My kid brother passed away
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
My kid brother passed away
My kid brother passed away and all my co-dependency issues have come exploding to the surface. He was a very gentle soul, who always reached out to help others. One of those "good guys" the world doesn't have enough of. When we were young I would be the one that would help him with homework, get him up in the morning, fix breakfast, made sure we both made it to school on time. Our parents were too busy with their addictions to bother with children.
As we got older we would cover for each other, the one protecting the other from the abuse in an alcoholic home. The bonds we built in that nightmare ran deep and wide.
Once we became adults we fell into the "self-medication" trap. He turned to sugar, caffeine and nicotine as his solution to the ACoA damage. He became seriously anorexic.
When I stumbled into recovery I immediately did all the wrong co-dependent things that al-anon lists. I tried to fix him, to change him, to show him that recovery is possible for us. Then, as I learned more about my own co-dependency issues I tried the healthier approach. Tried to be a role model, supported him in his choices whatever they may be, did all the things that were suggested to me in meetings of al-anon.
He chose not to seek recovery. He tried a few times but it never "stuck". He was always with a cigarette in one hand and a gallon jug of high-sugar soda in the other.
I got the phone call a few weeks ago, but have not been able to work past the denial until now. Massive heart attack at age 56.
Now I am dealing with the guilt. What could I have done that I didn't? What did I fail to try? None of which are correct thoughts, they're just my own co-dependent issues coming out. I did not cause his addictions, our parents did. I can't control his desire to seek recovery, only he could. Intelectually I know there was nothing more I could do, but emotionally it just hurts something wicked.
I am not doing too well on the acceptance part of the grief process, which is why I am writing here. I know you all understand what it's like to deal with this "stuff", I read your posts all the time. I need to give myself permision to hurt, something else I am not good at, and find some way to honor his memory. I'll work it thru, one day at a time.
Mike
As we got older we would cover for each other, the one protecting the other from the abuse in an alcoholic home. The bonds we built in that nightmare ran deep and wide.
Once we became adults we fell into the "self-medication" trap. He turned to sugar, caffeine and nicotine as his solution to the ACoA damage. He became seriously anorexic.
When I stumbled into recovery I immediately did all the wrong co-dependent things that al-anon lists. I tried to fix him, to change him, to show him that recovery is possible for us. Then, as I learned more about my own co-dependency issues I tried the healthier approach. Tried to be a role model, supported him in his choices whatever they may be, did all the things that were suggested to me in meetings of al-anon.
He chose not to seek recovery. He tried a few times but it never "stuck". He was always with a cigarette in one hand and a gallon jug of high-sugar soda in the other.
I got the phone call a few weeks ago, but have not been able to work past the denial until now. Massive heart attack at age 56.
Now I am dealing with the guilt. What could I have done that I didn't? What did I fail to try? None of which are correct thoughts, they're just my own co-dependent issues coming out. I did not cause his addictions, our parents did. I can't control his desire to seek recovery, only he could. Intelectually I know there was nothing more I could do, but emotionally it just hurts something wicked.
I am not doing too well on the acceptance part of the grief process, which is why I am writing here. I know you all understand what it's like to deal with this "stuff", I read your posts all the time. I need to give myself permision to hurt, something else I am not good at, and find some way to honor his memory. I'll work it thru, one day at a time.
Mike
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
That awful stuff comes in stages, and takes time....which does nothing to help how you are feeling at this moment. Be good to yourself above all else right now.
Mike, sending you and his loved ones peace and comfort at this time, and big, big ((HUGS))). I am so sorry for your loss.
Mike, sending you and his loved ones peace and comfort at this time, and big, big ((HUGS))). I am so sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Mike - I'm so sorry about your Brother.
Honestly, i'm not very good with this stuff either. I tend to sweep those feelings under the rug. They surface occasionally and then back they go, it can seem so overwhelming, too much to handle, how dark of a place will those feelings take you (I ask myself)?
I think a grief support group might be part of the answer. I haven't applied that advice so I have no experience with it but perhaps someone else does.
You're right, there is nothing you could have done. You tried to set a good example and I'm sure your Brother loved you but just like with alcoholism, he chose his path and I think we have to accept that. As tough as it is we have to have respect for the choices people make.
It is something people here mention from time to time. Respect for the alcoholic's choices in life. I am a great believer in that, not just for alcoholics, of course, but for all people.
When I give advice, it is very much a take it or leave it contribution.
People make choices for their own reasons I figure. Your Brother was probably happy with his soda and cigarettes, it was his choice, it made him content? Respect for that. It seems counter-intuitive to you perhaps but I think it is the truth.
Sorry if this is turning in to a ramble. The loss of your Brother and the pain it brings is huge and those feelings really can't be swept under the carpet (well they can but they will keep surfacing).
If you have the strength to face them, with support, that is probably YOUR healthiest choice.
Hang in there.
Honestly, i'm not very good with this stuff either. I tend to sweep those feelings under the rug. They surface occasionally and then back they go, it can seem so overwhelming, too much to handle, how dark of a place will those feelings take you (I ask myself)?
I think a grief support group might be part of the answer. I haven't applied that advice so I have no experience with it but perhaps someone else does.
You're right, there is nothing you could have done. You tried to set a good example and I'm sure your Brother loved you but just like with alcoholism, he chose his path and I think we have to accept that. As tough as it is we have to have respect for the choices people make.
It is something people here mention from time to time. Respect for the alcoholic's choices in life. I am a great believer in that, not just for alcoholics, of course, but for all people.
When I give advice, it is very much a take it or leave it contribution.
People make choices for their own reasons I figure. Your Brother was probably happy with his soda and cigarettes, it was his choice, it made him content? Respect for that. It seems counter-intuitive to you perhaps but I think it is the truth.
Sorry if this is turning in to a ramble. The loss of your Brother and the pain it brings is huge and those feelings really can't be swept under the carpet (well they can but they will keep surfacing).
If you have the strength to face them, with support, that is probably YOUR healthiest choice.
Hang in there.
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