Eauchiche

Dear Mike
I have experienced guilt every time someone I love dies. I don't know if this is common to everyone. It seems you have your own struggle with it.

If your life were different, then maybe guilt would be justified. In other words, if you were still drinking and had been "drinking buddies" with your late brother.
On the contrary, you were a very good example to him instead. You sobriety is an encouragement to all the rest of us as well.

Thank you for coming to us for support. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

DesertEyes

In my case I think it's just some old ACoA / co-dependent issues coming up out of the swamp.

Thank you for those kind words, and the wonderful compliments, I am really needing some objective, external validation at this point.

I am managing this okay, and giving myself room to hurt and overcome, most of the day. Now and then it catches me for a few minutes, but a few tissues and remembering the kind words of everybody here gets me back to serenity.

Mike

dandylion

Mike....remember that every emotion that you feel is not co-dependency...…even for those who have co-dependent tendencies.....
And, you don't have to label every emotion that you have.....

biminiblue

I agree with dandylion, Mike. Survivor's guilt is just a human thing.

You loved him, there are always conflicting thoughts when someone dies. I've lost all my family, so unfortunately I'm on a first name basis with grief.

trailmix

The guilt. I think of it this way. You did the best you could. Is anyone perfect at that? Not that I've seen.

We all have our own lives, situations, work, other relationships and we do our best (mostly!). What more can you ask from yourself or anyone?

Our levels of contribution to the world and others are also dictated by our own lives, our own emotional capacity at any given time.

If you took a "time out" from addressing anything with your Brother for say, a year, is that something you should feel guilty about? It's not selfishness, it's that taking care of yourself.

Did you skip a weekend you could have gone to see him or take him something? Maybe. But you have to cope to and i'm sure you know very well that people get tapped out, you don't want to be the one that is tapped out because you are then not helping anyone, including yourself.

When someone in my family died I actually had a conversation with his Sister (who holds animosity toward me for something silly that happened over 20 years ago - but anyway), she accused me of hurting him by not talking to him for a year. Well that's probably true, but I was tapped out, I had had enough (not just of that situation but - well you know the story) and later that would all come back to kick me in the ass - thoroughly. So I was right to take that time out and should have probably done it much, much sooner.

Anyway, that's the way I look at it.

trailmix

One other thing. Hold on to this. Do you realize what your acceptance of him probably meant to him? You didn't judge, you accepted him just the way he was.

Doesn't mean you wouldn't have liked him to choose a different path and tried to help him get there, the bottom line is you accepted him!

That's huge. I'm sure he had many that just sat in judgement.

NYCDoglvr

My sincere sympathy. Acceptance is part of the grieving process but it takes time to get there. I realized I accepted my mother's death when I recalled her life, not her death. What I also know is guilt is the most common reaction when someone dies, but it passes. A big hug!

DesertEyes

I agree.

As an ACoA one of my biggest challenges has been untangling the "soup" of emotions that I feel. As a child I was taught not to feel, so I never developed skills to recognize emotions, never mind handle them. Part of the work we do in ACoA is attaching labels to what we feel, even if they are not always accurate, in order to give us a starting point on working with them.

-----------------------------------------

That is so true.

So have I. Nobody left but me.

I'm sorry to hear that, it's hard enough dealing with losing one family member.

---------------------------------------------

That's where my emotions get all tangled up. I have the normal grief of losing my closest friend and brother, but I also have my ACoA over-responsible issues, and my co-dependent I-must-fix issues. Mix them all together and I could write a book.

No. There's nothing I could say that I should feel guilty about. I know intellectually I did everything I could. It's just free-floating guilt that comes out of the whole mess of emotions I'm having.

Makes perfect sense to me. Part of that whole self-care principle in recovery.

No, I had never thought of that before. I never once rejected him in even the smallest way. Not ever.

Yes there were. The world was not good to him.

-------------------------------------------------------

hmmm... I had never thought of that. I will start doing that, sounds like a great idea.

So I've heard. I know it will pass, just need to give it time.

Thank you for the hug.

--------------------------------------------------

Mike

chicory

I'm so sorry Mike! It must be very hard for you.

I'm thinking, though, of how blessed you were to have each other.

love and prayers
chic

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry for your loss, Mike. Please be gentle with yourself as you process and work through and with the complex emotions that are surfacing. Sending gentle hugs and wishing you continued strength.
Michelle

hopeful4

I send you huge hugs friend! I cannot imagine losing my sibling.

There is nothing you could have done. That is there. I understand what you mean about letting yourself grieve. It's almost impossible to just accept what we cannot change.

You are in my heart, and we are here for you!

DesertEyes

Yes we were chic, we very much were

-----------------------------------------

ty, I am. In time I will overcome all this.

--------------------------------------------

ty, ty.

I know. Just need to get that fact down from my mind and into my heart.

That is why we are all here, isn't it?

Ty for that, it has made a huge differnce having that support.

Mike