hopeful4

I have not updated for a while and thought it may be good to get it off my chest.

Both of my children are doing pretty good. Oldest just graduated high school and is going to college in the fall. Living at home for likely the first two years. Youngest is just her usual pretty chill self. I am encouraging her to do some things for the summer because it's easy for her to get in the cycle of laying around the house.

XAH is just going off the rails I fear. I keep getting these rambling texts from him. One day he actually said he was sorry the next day (amazing, that has NEVER happened before). It's stuff that does not even make sense.

I work for a company that gets perks once in a while. I got free tickets to an event that is about 2 hours from where I live. I gave tickets to my child, who took three of her friends. No big deal, and people from here go to that town all the time. Child posts pics on Facebook of her enjoying the event. XAH texts me and says he cannot believe how I did not tell him she was going out of town (she did not spend the night, was gone for about 8 hours total including drive time, got home before her curfew), how if I did that I would have his parental rights removed (that would be pretty neat if I could pull that off, but don't think so), and how I don't make the kids respect him, only me. That he has become their Uncle.

I did not feed into it, what is the point? Said child will be 19 years old soon and can make her own decisions. I am so very tired of him using me as his whipping girl to complain to. His own actions have gotten him to where he is now. Neither of our kids even like him, and that is because of the crap he pulls on a regular basis.

I speak to him as little as possible. I tell him what I have to, and that is it. I want to be left alone. These texts are picking up speed, and my children and I are sick of it. Unfortunately, it's nothing that the courts would do anything about. It's just enough to keep me on guard all the time, and I HATE feeling that way. I just want to be free of this lunatic. Ugh.

For anyone who has read this far, thanks. I am sorry for the rambling, I just had to get it out.

Mango212

(((hugs)))

AnvilheadII

that's the best he's got huh?

now mind you, as an 18 year old she can pretty much go wherever the hell she wants and not even tell YOU. it's not like you stuck an 8 year old on an airplane to fly solo across the country!

thhhhhhhhhhpppppppp. that's what i say. hopefully you have some catchy "nickname" for his listing in your contacts and can just ignore the rants??? when was the last time he communicated anything meaningful that you HAD to know about?

FireSprite

Change his ringtone - then you don't even have to LOOK at your phone, you can just ignore it.

Maybe circus music?

hopeful4

LOL, I do have a great name for him, and the pic assigned to him is a dirty bulldog that comes up on my phone...ha!

That's the part I cannot get over. It's the same ol crap. He wants to say he wants to be involved, so talk to the kids! Talk to them about their interests, their wants, their fears, and GIVE A CRAP! Instead it's all about him, all the time. They can barely stand him. My poor youngest still has to go over there, and he does not exercise all of his visitation, so I put up with things I should not out of fear about that. If she had to go all the time she is supposed to she would be devastated.

He wants me to make them feel a certain way even though I cannot stand him either. Uggghhh.....

Anvil...to answer, I cannot remember him communicating anything helpful to me...ever.

SmallButMighty

I use the duck quacking sound (from the list of available ringtones in my iphone settings) for texts and calls from my AXH. Not that he ever calls anymore, but I still haven't changed it.... It was good for preparing myself for what I WAS going to hear from him back then though....

trailmix

This part is particularly ridiculous. As you said above, he wants you to MAKE them respect him. How does one do that?

atalose

Tell him to change his phone to “drunk mode” tell him it’s located right near “airplane mode” and if he can’t find it to call his cell phone carrier right away!!! lol lol

LLLisa

I know the feeling. My eldest son is 20. He spent a night in the ER because of a weird infection/allergy and, as an adult, instructed me not to tell his father. So, when he told his father I copped a barrage of abuse. I think it's just what they do. Futile attempts to try to re-gain the control they had back when we didn't know we were co-dependents.

I bought my XAH out of the house, furniture, everything. He still abuses me (via email) and refers to the house etc as MY house, MY furniture, MY bed (I chucked that thing at the dump years ago! He doesn't understand that I paid him (quite well I might add) and therefore all that STUFF and my life belongs to ME. Tool.

hopeful4

Oh yes do I ever understand! I got the house, but I also paid for his college education to the tune of about $35k in exchange for the house. But of course lets forget all about that. Nor do I even have him pay his half of things he should be paying because my sanity is just not worth it.

hopeful4

Totally doing this! Ha!!!!

hopeful4

I have explained over and over that only he can earn their respect. In his world, he should be able to demand it, and like little puppets, they should respect him. He is a complete narcissist a$$hat, and there is no logic to his behavior or rants.

mamabear26

This roller coaster of a life that we live is crazy. I'm sorry you are still dealing with that. Maybe block his texts at night (while children are not with him) so you can get some peace and quiet. I hope it gets better for you ((Hugs))

Leelee168

She's 18 mom and she went, had a good time, and got home before curfew. I think you did a great job of raising her so far.

The A will always find something to try and blame you for. Glad you got this off your chest; now forget about it

Sasha1972

It sounds like your ex is my ex's brother from another mother! I too have to keep reminding myself - he got to where he is today because of his own actions and doings, not mine or anyone else's.

And going on about "respect" is really a desperation move. People who get (and deserve) respect are not people who demand it as their right just because they exist. (Didn't we learn this from The Sopranos? The characters who go on and on about respect being owed to them generally don't make it through the end of the season ... ).

I totally hate that feeling of having to be on guard all the time. Lots of sympathy for you.

Ladybird579

XAH texts me and says he cannot believe how I did not tell him she was going out of town (she did not spend the night, was gone for about 8 hours total including drive time, got home before her curfew), how if I did that I would have his parental rights removed (that would be pretty neat if I could pull that off, but don't think so),

My exah who has almost zero contact with his sons used to periodically whine about stuff I let them do and things I do for myself which means they have to have a modicum of independence for a while. They are nearly 20 but he acts like they are 10 and thinks them getting their own meals or doing a bit of food shopping is too hard for them, He used to try and lay the neglectful mother line on me while doing nothing for them himself ever. I blocked him from contacting me and only spoke to him recently cos he used my son's phone. It's probably the only way you will get any peace.

hopeful4

Unfortunately, my youngest is only 12 so blocking him is not an option. I can only wish.

AnvilheadII

Anvil...to answer, I cannot remember him communicating anything helpful to me...ever.

and so.......is it then necessary that you have to READ his texts? i just checked on my phone, and i can turn off the preview message thing so i can still see that i GOT a text, but none of the message shows up.

i can also enter spam numbers and it puts any texts from that number into a separate file that isn't right in my face. i can also select from my contacts.

hopeful4

It sounds like I need to do some checking into my settings. I cannot block all together (legal agreement due to minor child). However, it sounds like I can change my settings and make a pact w/myself to only check at a certain time.

Part of the anxiety is that is always comes at inopportune times, like 10 at night. I do read my texts, I have teen children so you have to.

Thanks!

AnvilheadII

well using my phone as the tester again, i can also change the notification sound of a contact - either phone OR text. or set it to NONE.