WifeofAddict25

Hi SheisBeautiful,

I’m so moved by your post. I identify fully with all of the things you say you have felt, thought, seen, and experienced and all the things you described happening with your wife. I’m so sorry for what brings you here. Group hug.

You are not only not alone, but you are surrounded here online and in your community by thousands of people who have experienced exactly what you are experiencing. So, first, know you are not alone. All of us who love an alcoholic have been there. Truly.

I have been with my AH for three years and married for almost five months. He’s 35 and also had a DUI ten years ago. He’s been an active drinker since he was around 20. I came into the relationship with complete naivety; I truly thought that if I LOVED my AH well enough, and stuck by him no matter how hard he tried to self destruct, it would change him and we’d live happily ever after. What I have learned is no one can love alcoholism away. At ALL. In the same way you can’t love cancer or any other chronic disease away.

Here are some tips that have helped me. My AH is 37 days into his first ever IP program so I’ve had 37 days to “sober up” myself. I can tell you we who are surrounded by this disease daily need detox just as much as our loved ones.

1. Go to at least six different Al-Anon meetings. You will find support and peace there as well as mucho education!
2. Get a therapist for YOU: ideally a trained substance abuse professional who can coach you on what this disease means for you and for Beautiful.
3. Alcoholism is a disease that affects loved ones the MOST. We who are closest to the alcoholic also become *the sickest.* Think about your life before meeting your beautiful wife. Is there anything you miss about that life that you may want to return to now, for yourself? For example: I gave up an entire company for my AH. I gave up going to the gym. I did these things because I thought staying home with him could somehow “protect” him and our dog, who he was too drunk to take care of. It doesn’t. It just disempowers us and gives us less time for our own self love, growth and perspective.
4. Agree with all that literature is helpful. Read all the AL-ANON literature. Read Codependent No More. Read books about setting boundaries. Read other posts on this forum. Read Gorski’s book called Getting Sober. Your eyes will be opened. You’ll learn your sweet wife has an incurable disease that only worsens with age and the only way to arrest disease progression is your wife will need to want to stop drinking, for all time, for herself. Nothing you do can force her to find her rock bottom. My AH had to wake up so sick one morning he felt like he was having a heart attack before he admitted voluntarily to care. And no, once a week OP therapy NEVER helped him. He just lied to his therapist about his consumption and went to appease me. I know he lied because one day he was drunk and showed me his year-long therapy records. This disease is TOO big for once a week. Start reading recovery center web sites to learn more about what real recovery entails.
5. Set up a mini “I am beautiful, too” support team. Let 2-3 good friends know what is going on. You know who your real friends are. Ask them to be there for you. Choose the family members you tell carefully. I regret having told some of my family about my AH’s crazy behavior because now they all have strong opinions about him without understanding he has a disease.
6. When you wake up each day think of one nice thing you can do for yourself. Even if it’s just a five minute thing.
7. Do not confront your wife anymore when she drinks. Reading shows it never works. Don’t worry about her hiding stuff. It’s part of the disease. Accept it. Just let her do her and you do you and enjoy the small good moments when they happen. We never know how much good time we’ll have left with our loved ones. Keep things at home simple. Let go and let God. Stop trying so hard to “save” her. This actually does nothing at all to save her, ironically, in my experience. :/
8. Know that as long as you are sharing space and she is drinking your judgement will be super foggy. I only realized how foggy my judgement had gotten after AH went into rehab— that took me almost the whole 37 days. Still on my journey to get “codependent clean.”
9. Consider the legal and financial implications of her actions on your marriage and assets.
10. If you wouldn’t allow anyone else to lie, cheat, hide, manipulate etc. this way ask yourself why you are willing to allow this ONE person to do so? What can you work on within you to find out more about that?

Don’t want to overwhelm you. Thanks for reaching out. Keep coming back here for support and know you are just as awesome and worthy of a healthy life. Take it one day at a time...one hour at a time, and breathe.
Welcome.

Learning14

THIS ^^^

I don't give ultimatums to anyone. They don't work regardless.

I DO say what I am willing to put or not put up with though. It's my life and I get a say in how it goes.

aliciagr

I hope I'm not rambling too much. I'm writing this from my phone on my couch while I sit in our dark living room with my wife asleep / passed out a few feet away from me. I don't have any tears left for this, but at the same time, I can't picture my life without her. Will a weekly visit to a substance abuse counselor be enough or does she need in-patient treatment? I realize this question can only be answered based on my interpretation of our situation. I'm grateful for any advice that anyone here has.



Im sorry for what you are going through. Brings back memories of sitting in my home with so many questions, tears streaming down.

To try and answer your question I will share what has been helpful for me.

I did research online and found a lot of medical information about addiction and treatment options. I went to see a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine. Look at the credentials before picking one. Ive found the field of addiction not to be regulated too well. For example one can be called an addiction counselor and really only have knowledge of the 12 step programs. There are already free Alanon and AA meetings if one wants to go this route.

The therapist I saw helped me get control of my emotions, This helped me to think more rationally. I learned about addiction, treatment options, talked about my feelings, what was going on in our home. It became a safe place when home was chaotic.

Does your wife admit she has a problem? Has she ever expressed interest in getting help?

This is my feeling on treatment:

A person needs to see their primary doctor first. Alcoholism is really called Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) and its staged according to symptoms. Then treatment recommendations are made.

Inpatient treatment can be good because it takes a person out of their element, removes alcohol and other substances, and allows the body and brain a chance to heal slightly. But you have to do research on what their center offers for treatment, and aftercare. You cant make people go unfortunately and some are so short ! or so expensive!

A lot of local medical centers have good outpatient programs which can be combined with personal therapy. I think both of these take more motivation, but those who work with patients are usually trained in how to help motivate. I think how often a person goes to therapy depends on the severity of the issue. And what underlying things are going on, plus what one can afford. My husband used therapy with good success. He started out a couple times a week, then began to space further out over time.

Peer support can also be added in with meeting or online support. I think these can be good but for example AA is for drinking and its not equipped to deal with underlying issues like depression, anxiety, past abuse, trauma, bipolar.

I know I felt a lot better when I built a team up around myself. Getting the therapist for myself was the start, and it led to me being able to open up more to my family with honesty. Their support was amazing for both of us. My therapist actually helped my husband find appropriate treatment when he was willing.

Coming online just as you are and sharing with others also helped me. It became clear I wasn't alone with all these issues. Sad, but comforting at the same time.

MCESaint

#1 - If you haven't had any children with this person, then don't. Do whatever you need to do not to have children. AW + H is trouble enough (and difficult to extract from); but AW + H +C increases the difficulty factor by a factor of, at least, 100.

#2. They lie. It's what alcoholics do.

#3. Giving up the booze may not be enough. Unfortunately with addiction (including but not limited to alcohol addiction) you're really dealing with a "brain disease" - the "software" (thinking and actions) may not be the only part that's messed up; the "hardware" (the brain tissue, neurons, dopamine receptors, hormones) may be all out of whack too. Worse, there may be more than ONE "brain disease" involved to -- like depression, compulsive disorder, anxiety, bi-polarism, etc. Therefore, I'm a BIG believer in NON-AA therapies (use of Vivetrol/Naltrexone, anti-depressants, etc.). These drugs are NOT fixes, but can help get the physical brain back on track - giving a "software" overwrite a better chance of sticking.

#4. You are NOT the only MAN who has an Alcoholic for a wife. And for a MAN with children, there a lot fewer resources than there is for a woman in similar circumstances (and, btw, that's NOT saying that women with children have LOTS of options). So hang in there.

CentralOhioDad

I wholeheartedly agree with #1 and #2.

TLC

SIB, you are living with an overwhelming situation and you turn to this group and are perhaps disheartening to hear that she will not change until she is ready to.
When I first posted here, I got so much advice (which I wanted) but it really wasn't the advice I was looking for.

We often want answers that will fix this whole thing and bring back the loved one to a healthy place. Everyone jumps in (including myself) to give the harsh truth of what you are dealing with, and that feels like crap and we want to log off and not come back.

I hope you keep coming back, as often as you need. There are many many very wise people here, that have so much experience and while perhaps harsh, speak the truth because they care and they've lived through it. They have been here for me and I am ever so grateful.

What I learned is that this harsh truth, is in fact the truth. It's hard to hear, its hard to "allow" our loved one to be swallowed up by alcohol. If they would only wake up and see what we see. I found that trying to save him, only hurt him (and me). My efforts stopped him from hitting bottom enough that he would want to get help. My efforts just made me the villain in his story. He grew to hate the mirror I held for him and hated me for it. I was worn down by his lies, his lies I thought were limited to his drinking but it turned out that lying was his way of living day to day.

You will find the path that works for you. We all do and do in our own time. But listen to dandelion and look into the extensive resources this site offers. Knowledge is power, its liberating and brings us back to health for ourselves. The healthier you are, the better for the entire situation overall.
There is a reason why they say this is a family disease, it truly does affect the entire family.
Take care of yourself and know you are very supported here. TLC

CentralOhioDad

Amen to this!! Man, I was PO'd when I first came here and people told me that my situation wasn't special, that my AW was basically a run-of-the-mill alcoholic, and that I couldn't DO something about it??!?!!? WHo were these people??!!

Five years later, and this group are my best friends, my support system, my brothers and sisters. They said it wasn't my fault she drank - check; they said it would get worse - check; they said she would lie and manipulate and deflect and and and and - check; they said I would need to get out at some point to protect my child - check (in progress).

Stick around, probably be the best thing you ever did.

firebolt

^^ Ditto

When I got here, I didn't think my xabf was THAT BAD, and I certainly wasn't like 'you people.'



Talk about the wake up call of a lifetime - all thanks to this place!! <3

Wells

Man, such great sentiment here for sure. I was the same way. I came here wanting to share my story just to "talk" to people but also because I wanted to grasp at straws to find the "fix" for the problem or for people to tell me what I need to do in order to get my relationship back on track and get her better.

I appreciated the candor but boy did I keep reading post after post looking for someone to tell me "here's what you can do to make her stop drinking and come around". It never happened and it took me a long time for some of the great advice to really sink in.

The hardest things I had to learn was to let go, stop trying to fix, and to understand that I was absolutely 100% not in control of any life decisions she made about her drinking. None. I felt a little silly when I realized it when I thought back to the countless conversations I had with her about cutting back, or stopping, or bargaining, everything...Because when I had those I genuinely thought I could make her change her mind about it.

It takes a lot of us a long time to realize a lot of things, so don't leap -- Baby step into this stuff, read our stories, read what you can, keep coming back. You don't have to make any decisions about your relationship until you are ready, but you can learn as much as you can about alcoholism because those tools were the most helpful to me in moving past it.

Take care of yourself!

hopeful4

Same. It made me so mad that I left for a while. When I came back it was with a realization the Three C's are so true, I did not Cause it, I could not Control it, and I certainly could not Cure it. So, I listened to the fine folks here at SR and began working on ME.

The rest is history......

Gosh, I love you guys...

CedarTexas

Hey buddy, I'm glad you found this place. It's been a God send to me. You're posts have made me think about you in the last few days so figured I's shoot you a line. Check out my post if you want to hear my story....it's similar to yours. Long story short, I had to call off my wedding to a girl I've known for over 30 years because she relapsed after a little over a year sober and I wasn't ready to get married to her on May 5 this year. Any who, I agree with most of the posts of the other people....you gotta take care of you FIRST....you gotta do the time with Al-Anon, mediate on the issue, write down the stuff your feeling in a journal, doesn't have to be in any format...and find someone to talk to about it who is a neutral party.....I've got A LOT of advice that I need to break contact with my X for good, I'm not sure if I'll go that route but I have a kind of unique point of view. I know my X and I will not have a romantic relationship or get married. That bridge has been burned, however before we were involved we were good friends, and I miss my friend. I know she's got to get her act together first and foremost, it's life or death choices for an alcoholic, but one day I'd like to be a support for her should she chose. You see, I'm a combat vet with PTSD.....my uniqueness...I've seen some crazy stuff that other returned Vets have done to themselves and their families,friends, etc....it's a horrible disorder but manageable....I'm doing pretty good now. I know there were times that my friends and family could well have written me off for good so I could handle me, but it was BECAUSE they stuck with me that helped me out soooo much......just a fact.....75% of Vets with PTSD are substance abusers/alcoholics.....it was because of the support of my family, true friends (yeah, I found out real quick who thought I was "crazy" and who really cared), and hell, even my ex-wife that I know the good in me and can handle the loss of an intimate relationship.......Last thing, I've been told this by this group and I totally agree. So happy that this happened BEFORE we got married. I've been down the divorce road before.......you think PTSD is bad.....divorce is worse! I lost ever thing....my wife, kids, house, money....hell she even kept the dog.....If there is a rock bottom, I was there....I couldn't afford a stick of gum.....Marriage in general is hard enough in the first place...compound that with alcohol and I don't even want to thin k about that....just something to chew on. Good luck, friend, we are all here to help each other!

Zik4soul

yes... I was going to ask the same thing. 12 step programs don't take responsibility off of the individual and put it onto a high power at all. 😪 rather, they bring us to examine ourselves and what we are in power to change in the situation, and to look to a higher power in order to transcend ourselves. No need to demean anyone's path of recovery. To each his own.

Ileana

Welcome
Depending on the level of her addiction she may need inpatient treatment especially to detox to avoid serious medical issues. This is just my opinion but I would say she has a significant problem. My reasoning, the fact that she abruptly left workat 10AMafter being clean for a few days. That shows me- that the anxiety was getting to her bad, so bad that she couldn't wait until the end of the day to get a drink. Again, just my opinion but I would urge her to find an inpatient program.

SheIsBeautiful

This whole scenario is heart-breaking to say the least. I can't even imagine my life without my partner in crime, my soul mate, my best friend. There have been numerous incidents since my initial post. Right now, I have no idea where my wife is. She took off on foot this morning after a few hours of sneaking alcohol. At this point she has been gone for over 4 hours. I called my boss who I consider a friend and someone that is aware of the situation and he strongly suggested that I call the police and have them look for her. I've also reached out to her company's HR department to see what kind of options there are for employee assistance and FLMA.

She changed therapists and greatly enjoyed her visit on Tuesday... or so she said, but she stopped and picked up box wine on the way back to work and drank some that night. She then ended up getting drunk yesterday and I had to make her let me drive home. We take a German class together on Wednesday nights as traveling to Germany every summer is one of our things... we had to miss class last night because her drinking continued into the evening. That especially hurt, and still hurts, because if feels like nothing is off limits now.

I've been reading a lot of the comments here regarding a therapist not being enough because she could easily lie to the therapist and use the visit to say she's trying to appease me. I really have no idea at this point if she wants to quit drinking and get real help or not. She told me today, with tears streaming down both of our faces, that she wanted to stop. That she hated this life.... but then she immediately went to drinking before storming out.

It's so hard not even knowing where she is. I can't understand why this is happening now. I am just foolishly hoping that she is going to come back through that door. I'm feeling completely hopeless but there is a small amount of comfort in knowing I'm not alone from reading these posts. Thanks everyone for the genuine compassion.

ladyscribbler

My ex went to therapy for years. And drank, and changed doctors as soon as they brought up his drinking. And drank.

It was really difficult and confusing, because I really wanted to believe that he would eventually take inventory, get sober and repent. (I had the order a little mixed up).

I really thought he would be able to see things the way that I saw them. I expected him to have "normal" thinking about alcohol, and didn't understand that it wasn't possible for him to do that. He knew he was hurting himself, and was fine with it. He was in denial about hurting others, and was fine with it.

I tried so hard to control every circumstance around his drinking, and he would periodically take off and spend a few days with a relative until the drunken raging got out of control and someone dumped him on the front porch (or lawn).

All the countermeasures I tried to employ against alcoholism backfired because I was trying to control another adult's behavior. It just added to the chaos.

Glad you're reaching out. I hope your wife is safe, but right now she's doing exactly what she wants to do. Take care of yourself right now, as much as you can.

FireSprite

I'm REALLY sorry this is happening SIB, I am too well versed in disappearing acts - I completely understand your discomfort & fear right now.

I would highly advise you to NOT contact the police or her employer at this point. 4 hours is not terribly long in all reality & it's a waste of their time chasing a grown adult simply off making bad choices. You have no reason to believe she's in obvious & apparent danger.

Dealing with FMLA & her employer is solidly on her side of things to be managed - you can't do for her what she refuses to value for herself.

What about YOU? Can you get to a meeting today to help manage this discomfort? Do you see a therapist that you can schedule with? What recovery tools work for you at times like these to help keep your focus on You - the part you can control?

SheIsBeautiful

It's all just so exhausting. Beyond my own emotions I'm doing everything I can for damage control as I can only imagine the depression that would come from her losing her job, close friends, etc. At the same time though, this is enabling her by minimizing consequences. I don't want to quit on her. I promised her and promised myself that I wouldn't.

SheIsBeautiful

The reason that I do believe she may be in danger is that last night she grabbed scissors out of our knife block and I had to bear hug her and force her to drop them. It's also not beneath her to get in her car and drive in her current condition.

I've found an Al-Anon meeting that is happening relatively close to me tonight. Assuming I don't hear from her I plan to attend.

FireSprite

Don't confuse lack of enabling with lack of compassion. They aren't the same thing.

I understand your fear but again - you don't have any information that shows she is in clear & present danger at this very minute or any idea where to find her. What could the police possibly even do?

Go to the meeting whether you hear from her or not.

ChloeRose63

You need to get to that meeting. It is so important that you surround yourself with face to face with people who know what you are going thru. You need to listen to their experiences and explain yours. It will be a big step for your sanity.