Hi SheisBeautiful,
I’m so moved by your post. I identify fully with all of the things you say you have felt, thought, seen, and experienced and all the things you described happening with your wife. I’m so sorry for what brings you here. Group hug.
You are not only not alone, but you are surrounded here online and in your community by thousands of people who have experienced exactly what you are experiencing. So, first, know you are not alone. All of us who love an alcoholic have been there. Truly.
I have been with my AH for three years and married for almost five months. He’s 35 and also had a DUI ten years ago. He’s been an active drinker since he was around 20. I came into the relationship with complete naivety; I truly thought that if I LOVED my AH well enough, and stuck by him no matter how hard he tried to self destruct, it would change him and we’d live happily ever after. What I have learned is no one can love alcoholism away. At ALL. In the same way you can’t love cancer or any other chronic disease away.
Here are some tips that have helped me. My AH is 37 days into his first ever IP program so I’ve had 37 days to “sober up” myself. I can tell you we who are surrounded by this disease daily need detox just as much as our loved ones.
1. Go to at least six different Al-Anon meetings. You will find support and peace there as well as mucho education!
2. Get a therapist for YOU: ideally a trained substance abuse professional who can coach you on what this disease means for you and for Beautiful.
3. Alcoholism is a disease that affects loved ones the MOST. We who are closest to the alcoholic also become *the sickest.* Think about your life before meeting your beautiful wife. Is there anything you miss about that life that you may want to return to now, for yourself? For example: I gave up an entire company for my AH. I gave up going to the gym. I did these things because I thought staying home with him could somehow “protect” him and our dog, who he was too drunk to take care of. It doesn’t. It just disempowers us and gives us less time for our own self love, growth and perspective.
4. Agree with all that literature is helpful. Read all the AL-ANON literature. Read Codependent No More. Read books about setting boundaries. Read other posts on this forum. Read Gorski’s book called Getting Sober. Your eyes will be opened. You’ll learn your sweet wife has an incurable disease that only worsens with age and the only way to arrest disease progression is your wife will need to want to stop drinking, for all time, for herself. Nothing you do can force her to find her rock bottom. My AH had to wake up so sick one morning he felt like he was having a heart attack before he admitted voluntarily to care. And no, once a week OP therapy NEVER helped him. He just lied to his therapist about his consumption and went to appease me. I know he lied because one day he was drunk and showed me his year-long therapy records. This disease is TOO big for once a week. Start reading recovery center web sites to learn more about what real recovery entails.
5. Set up a mini “I am beautiful, too” support team. Let 2-3 good friends know what is going on. You know who your real friends are. Ask them to be there for you. Choose the family members you tell carefully. I regret having told some of my family about my AH’s crazy behavior because now they all have strong opinions about him without understanding he has a disease.
6. When you wake up each day think of one nice thing you can do for yourself. Even if it’s just a five minute thing.
7. Do not confront your wife anymore when she drinks. Reading shows it never works. Don’t worry about her hiding stuff. It’s part of the disease. Accept it. Just let her do her and you do you and enjoy the small good moments when they happen. We never know how much good time we’ll have left with our loved ones. Keep things at home simple. Let go and let God. Stop trying so hard to “save” her. This actually does nothing at all to save her, ironically, in my experience. :/
8. Know that as long as you are sharing space and she is drinking your judgement will be super foggy. I only realized how foggy my judgement had gotten after AH went into rehab— that took me almost the whole 37 days. Still on my journey to get “codependent clean.”
9. Consider the legal and financial implications of her actions on your marriage and assets.
10. If you wouldn’t allow anyone else to lie, cheat, hide, manipulate etc. this way ask yourself why you are willing to allow this ONE person to do so? What can you work on within you to find out more about that?
Don’t want to overwhelm you. Thanks for reaching out. Keep coming back here for support and know you are just as awesome and worthy of a healthy life. Take it one day at a time...one hour at a time, and breathe.
Welcome.