I Love My Wife - She Loves Alcohol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 
You need to get to that meeting. It is so important that you surround yourself with face to face with people who know what you are going thru. You need to listen to their experiences and explain yours. It will be a big step for your sanity.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It's all just so exhausting. Beyond my own emotions I'm doing everything I can for damage control as I can only imagine the depression that would come from her losing her job, close friends, etc. At the same time though, this is enabling her by minimizing consequences. I don't want to quit on her. I promised her and promised myself that I wouldn't.
what if you just backed off and let her manage stuff on her side of the street? right now you are hyper alert and all over her business. a grown woman has the right to leave her residence for as long as she wishes. so far you've called your job, her job and are considering calling the police. after four hours.
if she wants to drink, she GETS to drink. and there ain't nothing you can do to CHANGE that.
you CAN change how your own life operates tho. you can continue to circle her like one of Saturn's moons, ever stuck in that orbit, OR you can take back your focus and your energy and worry about your very own planet!!!
what if you just backed off and let her manage stuff on her side of the street? right now you are hyper alert and all over her business. a grown woman has the right to leave her residence for as long as she wishes. so far you've called your job, her job and are considering calling the police. after four hours.
if she wants to drink, she GETS to drink. and there ain't nothing you can do to CHANGE that.
you CAN change how your own life operates tho. you can continue to circle her like one of Saturn's moons, ever stuck in that orbit, OR you can take back your focus and your energy and worry about your very own planet!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
It's all just so exhausting. Beyond my own emotions I'm doing everything I can for damage control as I can only imagine the depression that would come from her losing her job, close friends, etc. At the same time though, this is enabling her by minimizing consequences. I don't want to quit on her. I promised her and promised myself that I wouldn't.
what if you just backed off and let her manage stuff on her side of the street? right now you are hyper alert and all over her business. a grown woman has the right to leave her residence for as long as she wishes. so far you've called your job, her job and are considering calling the police. after four hours.
if she wants to drink, she GETS to drink. and there ain't nothing you can do to CHANGE that.
you CAN change how your own life operates tho. you can continue to circle her like one of Saturn's moons, ever stuck in that orbit, OR you can take back your focus and your energy and worry about your very own planet!!!
what if you just backed off and let her manage stuff on her side of the street? right now you are hyper alert and all over her business. a grown woman has the right to leave her residence for as long as she wishes. so far you've called your job, her job and are considering calling the police. after four hours.
if she wants to drink, she GETS to drink. and there ain't nothing you can do to CHANGE that.
you CAN change how your own life operates tho. you can continue to circle her like one of Saturn's moons, ever stuck in that orbit, OR you can take back your focus and your energy and worry about your very own planet!!!
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,698
So glad you are going to a meeting! It will be a big step in understanding the devastating effects of alcoholism and addiction on families and relationships. You will feel more empowered by being with others in similiar situations.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
At this point she has been gone for over 4 hours. I called my boss who I consider a friend and someone that is aware of the situation and he strongly suggested that I call the police and have them look for her.
I'd be furious if anyone got the police out looking for me after 4 hours and find it strange you were on her case so quickly. With my exah I'd consider it after 4 days but only if our kids were getting upset about his absence. ( hint they never did) I doubt the police would look for a teenager after 4 hours never mind a fully grown of adult. I know it was your bosses idea but that is VERY control freaky.
I'd be furious if anyone got the police out looking for me after 4 hours and find it strange you were on her case so quickly. With my exah I'd consider it after 4 days but only if our kids were getting upset about his absence. ( hint they never did) I doubt the police would look for a teenager after 4 hours never mind a fully grown of adult. I know it was your bosses idea but that is VERY control freaky.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I'd be furious if anyone got the police out looking for me after 4 hours and find it strange you were on her case so quickly. With my exah I'd consider it after 4 days but only if our kids were getting upset about his absence. ( hint they never did) I doubt the police would look for a teenager after 4 hours never mind a fully grown of adult. I know it was your bosses idea but that is VERY control freaky.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by SheIsBeautiful
You're right. I've been so obsessed with trying to fix this problem and perform damage control on what I can't fix that I've become obsessive. I attended my first Al-Alon meeting tonight and am going to really try and work on what I can control.
I have been there done all of that. YOU cannot cure her, cannot change her, cannot save her. She might be able to save herself.
You are sick too, you are co-dependent, you need to free yourself of your sickness.
Please please stick with Al anon, start to read the literature e.g. Courage to Change. Listen to Al anon podcasts. You have to do this for yourself, you have to free yourself from letting her actions, her behavior chain you to co-dependent responses. It is possible to be content while she is the way she is.
We are all rooting for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes. This.
I am so glad you went to Alanon. Keep going, you deserve that for you. Only you can decide when the craziness is up and you realize she has to want to be sober and work towards that, every day, forever, to recover. It's a huge commitment not many are willing to make. What you don't have to do is make any decisions right now. You also don't have to let her drag you down the rabbit hole with her. However, if she goes or not is up to her. Big hugs. I say this all kindly because I know it's so hard. Been there, it was miserable.
I am so glad you went to Alanon. Keep going, you deserve that for you. Only you can decide when the craziness is up and you realize she has to want to be sober and work towards that, every day, forever, to recover. It's a huge commitment not many are willing to make. What you don't have to do is make any decisions right now. You also don't have to let her drag you down the rabbit hole with her. However, if she goes or not is up to her. Big hugs. I say this all kindly because I know it's so hard. Been there, it was miserable.
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
Chasing after them, checking up on them, sitting outside their drinking places in your car, sitting up past 2 am , cross checking times, dates, etc, all marks of sickness.
I have been there done all of that. YOU cannot cure her, cannot change her, cannot save her. She might be able to save herself.
You are sick too, you are co-dependent, you need to free yourself of your sickness.
Please please stick with Al anon, start to read the literature e.g. Courage to Change. Listen to Al anon podcasts. You have to do this for yourself, you have to free yourself from letting her actions, her behavior chain you to co-dependent responses. It is possible to be content while she is the way she is.
We are all rooting for you.
I have been there done all of that. YOU cannot cure her, cannot change her, cannot save her. She might be able to save herself.
You are sick too, you are co-dependent, you need to free yourself of your sickness.
Please please stick with Al anon, start to read the literature e.g. Courage to Change. Listen to Al anon podcasts. You have to do this for yourself, you have to free yourself from letting her actions, her behavior chain you to co-dependent responses. It is possible to be content while she is the way she is.
We are all rooting for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
I haven't read through the entire thread, as I probably should, but is your wife in any sort of treatment like AA or addiction therapy? Has she ever been to rehab? As an alcoholic, while still bumps in the road, working a program is a must.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Babescake
I haven't read through the entire thread, as I probably should, but is your wife in any sort of treatment like AA or addiction therapy? Has she ever been to rehab? As an alcoholic, while still bumps in the road, working a program is a must.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
" if she wants to drink, she GETS to drink. and there ain't nothing you can do to CHANGE that. "
Love this quote^ it's the truth.
We are all different people with different paths, but I'll share two things I did twenty years ago: 1) I phoned the police, gave them my husband's license plate and reported that he drove drunk almost every day. They asked me why I was calling. I said I wanted to know that If he ever hurts someone, at least I've done what I can.
2) I visited the bank manager, told her we have financial problems because my husband is an alcoholic and asked her to not call me again to ask for money, but to phone him or foreclose on the mortgage.
Both things worked out for me: 1) he got pulled over by the police once when he was sober. When he explained the situation to me I told him I had called the police. He was angry but I never saw him stagger out of his car again after that. And 2) He started paying his share of the bills, we didn't have to lose our house, and I had grocery money.
I know it might not have worked out this way, but at the time it was such a relief to do what I felt I needed to do and then to be able to let go.
Love this quote^ it's the truth.
We are all different people with different paths, but I'll share two things I did twenty years ago: 1) I phoned the police, gave them my husband's license plate and reported that he drove drunk almost every day. They asked me why I was calling. I said I wanted to know that If he ever hurts someone, at least I've done what I can.
2) I visited the bank manager, told her we have financial problems because my husband is an alcoholic and asked her to not call me again to ask for money, but to phone him or foreclose on the mortgage.
Both things worked out for me: 1) he got pulled over by the police once when he was sober. When he explained the situation to me I told him I had called the police. He was angry but I never saw him stagger out of his car again after that. And 2) He started paying his share of the bills, we didn't have to lose our house, and I had grocery money.
I know it might not have worked out this way, but at the time it was such a relief to do what I felt I needed to do and then to be able to let go.
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