Hes starting AA-I dont want him to
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I really appreciate your view of recovery! Its a very mature, selfless way to go about it.
Originally Posted by Lindajean68 
Haha! I really feel for you and your situation. Honestly, my view is that A LOT of people in AA don't really understand the program. There is a lot of bad information shared and a lot of twisted views of how the program is supposed to work. Yes, I agree, I have to make my recovery a priority. BUT my recovery involves thinking less of myself and more of others, reaching out to others who need me (not just other alcoholics), being responsible for my actions and accountable to those around me, being HONEST, making amends for the hurt I have caused.
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Location: St. Louis, MO
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wamma wrote:
I GET the anger and frustration, but I don't think this thought is helpful.
A spider is a spider; a snake is snake. The spider didn't CHOOSE to be a spider, it just WAS a spider. The snake didn't CHOOSE to be a snake, it just WAS a snake.
I imagine that being a spider makes it hard to NOT be a spider anymore. And I imagine that being a snake makes it hard NOT to be a snake anymore.
In short, I think its harmful to think of alcoholism to be a matter of *willpower* or choice. A lack of character. A "fault."
The question(s) for you are: why were you drawn to THIS particular "spider" or "snake."
Do YOU want to be with a "spider" or "snake" that is trying to be something other than what it is??
I am recovering from the problem he created
A spider is a spider; a snake is snake. The spider didn't CHOOSE to be a spider, it just WAS a spider. The snake didn't CHOOSE to be a snake, it just WAS a snake.
I imagine that being a spider makes it hard to NOT be a spider anymore. And I imagine that being a snake makes it hard NOT to be a snake anymore.
In short, I think its harmful to think of alcoholism to be a matter of *willpower* or choice. A lack of character. A "fault."
The question(s) for you are: why were you drawn to THIS particular "spider" or "snake."
Do YOU want to be with a "spider" or "snake" that is trying to be something other than what it is??
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Wamma.....Do..Not..push...yourself. Not when it comes to closeness or touching or anything to do with personal space. (I get it about the tick...but, I am sure that your son or anyone else could have taken it off)....
You have years of stuffed feelings....and, it is going to take time and lots of support to get back to a comfortable place with your feelings.
Even with the concept of "forgiveness".....I know that the concept of "forgiveness" is all the rage, these days...lol....and, there is a place for that....but, one can forgive when one is ready to....and, that time is as variable as human beings are. Same for the anger....
I think that the anger is protecting you, right now.....and you will let go of it when you feel "safe" enough. You sure don't sound like a person who feels safe, right now....
Just keep the focus on yourself, right now.....
You have years of stuffed feelings....and, it is going to take time and lots of support to get back to a comfortable place with your feelings.
Even with the concept of "forgiveness".....I know that the concept of "forgiveness" is all the rage, these days...lol....and, there is a place for that....but, one can forgive when one is ready to....and, that time is as variable as human beings are. Same for the anger....
I think that the anger is protecting you, right now.....and you will let go of it when you feel "safe" enough. You sure don't sound like a person who feels safe, right now....
Just keep the focus on yourself, right now.....
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Are you a counselor in real life? LOL You are very wise and intuitive in your responses. How did you know the anger is protecting me? That is exactly right. When I feel less angry I feel like I can push myself a little, maybe let my guard down just a little. Like the tick thing, and that didn't work out at all. I rubbed my fingers raw. Not doing that again.I shared the part about the anger and he said "God forbid you let your guard down" meaning I might be able to relax and enjoy things. I'm getting there thanks to everyone here. My thought on the way home today was of strength and perseverance. I have never in my life let anything beat me or keep me down for long. This situation has been the only one to bring me to my knees. I read Emmys post, the one who hasn't been on the forum for years and all those terrible things happened to her. She is such an encouraging person. If she can go through such horrible things, and thrive, I can get through this. I was a single mom of 2, then 3 little girls for 7 years before I got married. I can do it again if I have to. Scares the heck out of me though! 
Originally Posted by dandylion
Wamma.....Do..Not..push...yourself. Not when it comes to closeness or touching or anything to do with personal space. (I get it about the tick...but, I am sure that your son or anyone else could have taken it off)....
You have years of stuffed feelings....and, it is going to take time and lots of support to get back to a comfortable place with your feelings.
Even with the concept of "forgiveness".....I know that the concept of "forgiveness" is all the rage, these days...lol....and, there is a place for that....but, one can forgive when one is ready to....and, that time is as variable as human beings are. Same for the anger....
I think that the anger is protecting you, right now.....and you will let go of it when you feel "safe" enough. You sure don't sound like a person who feels safe, right now....
Just keep the focus on yourself, right now.....
You have years of stuffed feelings....and, it is going to take time and lots of support to get back to a comfortable place with your feelings.
Even with the concept of "forgiveness".....I know that the concept of "forgiveness" is all the rage, these days...lol....and, there is a place for that....but, one can forgive when one is ready to....and, that time is as variable as human beings are. Same for the anger....
I think that the anger is protecting you, right now.....and you will let go of it when you feel "safe" enough. You sure don't sound like a person who feels safe, right now....
Just keep the focus on yourself, right now.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wamama....Of course you can!
We all have much more courage and strength than we know/think we do. The thing about it is that we never really use it until there is no other option...and it shows up just the instant that we need it...not a second before....
I like your new avatar....your doggie is very handsome. He looks like he would be wonderful to sleep with....
We all have much more courage and strength than we know/think we do. The thing about it is that we never really use it until there is no other option...and it shows up just the instant that we need it...not a second before....
I like your new avatar....your doggie is very handsome. He looks like he would be wonderful to sleep with....
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Well she looks soft and cuddly, but she snores like a freight train, she drools and weighs 125 lbs. She has a bed on the floor. As far away from my bed as possible. But I love her anyways! I bet your kitty is much cuddlier and does not hog the whole bed.
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I have two kitties that hog the bed terribly! My daughter has a big dog that thinks he is a person who has to have his head on the other pillow next to you, and when you turn your back to him he has to put all 4 paws on your back LOL. However, she loves that dog like crazy!
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AA and the spiritual awakening
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I was hesitant to post what I did because I know many here have been very successful with AA. But I've learned here that feelings are feelings, and a lot of the time you don't get to choose them. Never in my life have I seen something that makes a person so selfish. It blows me away. It sounds like you are fine with your decision. You sound confident and ok. It must have been heartbreaking when he just stayed selfish and unapologetic. Thank you for sharing. Its encouraging to see someone who came through it, survived, and is doing well.
Yes it was very heartbreaking when he became so unapologetic and selfish, especially after I was the center of his world when he was really down with the disease. It took me months to get confident and okay, amazing to even come off that way. I was beyond devastated and was in bed for a lot of the winter. SR really helped, I have a good group of girls I talk to now everyday, we all went through it at the same time. I can become hysterical if I hear anything from him and have a long way to go with lots of healing but at least I got started.
My suggestion is to stay open, having seen the 12 steps in hundreds of situations professionally and personally, one thing I do know is everyone has a completely different experience. The tools in al anon work no matter what happens and I always keep one foot in that program even though I am the most stubborn case. I hope you keep reaching out and I'm glad you were brave to bring up this topic because there are things that happen and if you don't know the big book or the AA world it can be so misconstrued.
Hugs
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Originally Posted by kayleezen
Hello Wamama,
Yes it was very heartbreaking when he became so unapologetic and selfish, especially after I was the center of his world when he was really down with the disease. It took me months to get confident and okay, amazing to even come off that way. I was beyond devastated and was in bed for a lot of the winter. SR really helped, I have a good group of girls I talk to now everyday, we all went through it at the same time. I can become hysterical if I hear anything from him and have a long way to go with lots of healing but at least I got started.
My suggestion is to stay open, having seen the 12 steps in hundreds of situations professionally and personally, one thing I do know is everyone has a completely different experience. The tools in al anon work no matter what happens and I always keep one foot in that program even though I am the most stubborn case. I hope you keep reaching out and I'm glad you were brave to bring up this topic because there are things that happen and if you don't know the big book or the AA world it can be so misconstrued.
Hugs
Yes it was very heartbreaking when he became so unapologetic and selfish, especially after I was the center of his world when he was really down with the disease. It took me months to get confident and okay, amazing to even come off that way. I was beyond devastated and was in bed for a lot of the winter. SR really helped, I have a good group of girls I talk to now everyday, we all went through it at the same time. I can become hysterical if I hear anything from him and have a long way to go with lots of healing but at least I got started.
My suggestion is to stay open, having seen the 12 steps in hundreds of situations professionally and personally, one thing I do know is everyone has a completely different experience. The tools in al anon work no matter what happens and I always keep one foot in that program even though I am the most stubborn case. I hope you keep reaching out and I'm glad you were brave to bring up this topic because there are things that happen and if you don't know the big book or the AA world it can be so misconstrued.
Hugs
He is sober, AA is his life. Constantly on his phone and constantly talking about his support groups but sharing anything, communicating anything. It's Mother's day tomorrow and he goes for lunch with his friends from AA as that is 'the done thing' before the meeting so he isn't coming and hadn't even thought about it. We were supposed to go to a wedding today until he decided this morning that he didn't have any friends there and that church was my support group so he wouldn't come.
I feel I am dealing with a teenager most of the time (he figures he's been an addict since 13). I think he did a really good and brave thing and is still doing well with being so committed to his recovery but what about everything else? Or am I being selfish?
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You are in no way, shape or form being selfish. It a low blow he's dealing you! I will never get the selfishness of alcoholism.
Originally Posted by Dutchy36
I feel my husband is more interested in AA than us. Out of rehab for 3 weeks, lived with his mum since and keeps telling me that he doesn't know who he is or what he wants but he doesn't check in with us or ask after the girls. When he was still drinking I knew he really wanted to have the family and keep the family. When we spoke the night before he went in he told me that he is not doing this (rehab) as a joke and not just for him but for us as a couple and our family and that he hoped I would continue my investment in him.
He is sober, AA is his life. Constantly on his phone and constantly talking about his support groups but sharing anything, communicating anything. It's Mother's day tomorrow and he goes for lunch with his friends from AA as that is 'the done thing' before the meeting so he isn't coming and hadn't even thought about it. We were supposed to go to a wedding today until he decided this morning that he didn't have any friends there and that church was my support group so he wouldn't come.
I feel I am dealing with a teenager most of the time (he figures he's been an addict since 13). I think he did a really good and brave thing and is still doing well with being so committed to his recovery but what about everything else? Or am I being selfish?
He is sober, AA is his life. Constantly on his phone and constantly talking about his support groups but sharing anything, communicating anything. It's Mother's day tomorrow and he goes for lunch with his friends from AA as that is 'the done thing' before the meeting so he isn't coming and hadn't even thought about it. We were supposed to go to a wedding today until he decided this morning that he didn't have any friends there and that church was my support group so he wouldn't come.
I feel I am dealing with a teenager most of the time (he figures he's been an addict since 13). I think he did a really good and brave thing and is still doing well with being so committed to his recovery but what about everything else? Or am I being selfish?
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I'm giggling like a schoolgirl after reading that. Thanks. I'm getting there. RAH shared something from the meeting. A comment from older man regarding something I told RAH. It really made me mad! But I remained calm, even breaths, shared my thoughts calmly in two sentences and left it at that. What I wanted to say was to tell that jacka** he knows nothing about our marriage or me, and he can go pee up a rope! But SR has taught this firey grasshopper many things. Hmmm, I seem to have developed an anger problem over the past two years lol!
Originally Posted by DontRemember
You 'sound/seem' so much more at peace and content since the start of this thread..I'm happy for you! 
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remember anything that was supposedly said by someone else being relayed to you by your husband is just that.....being relayed TO you BY your H. you have no idea what was truly said, only what he TELLS you. that is the problem with hearsay.
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