Hes starting AA-I dont want him to
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you! I feel like Im doing something wrong because I cant let it go right now. I am truly, honestly trying! Im reading this forum and the stickies, I reading Al Anon material, Ive set up a counseling appointment. Im not doing it to punish him, I realize its punishing me. So there's all this material and advice on letting it go, stop expecting etc. But Im not there, I cant find a way to do it. So your post made me feel better. Im not failing at this, maybe I just need some time.
Originally Posted by aliciagr 
I was thinking about the time frame for healing these past few days.
When you wrote: I DO want to let it go. I'm miserable with it. But I'm stuck, I don't know how. Thats what Ive told RAH, Im stuck where I'm at right now.
I had to give myself time. Initially in our situation there was what I will call a stage of shock and things were dismal. I couldn't resolve my feelings until things began to settle down, as in home life became more stable. There is a time for being selfish in recovery on both sides, but the recovery for our family/relationship took working with my husband simply by talking and sharing going on between us. It had to be done at a pace we were both comfortable with so my suggestion is to not assume what he needs or wants, but simply ask. Likewise, when you know what you need or want, or even if you are conflicted its ok to share it with him. This is between the 2 of you. Each of you deciding what you need as individuals and then joining together in a way that works for you both.
I also would like to share my thoughts on this: I expect a relapse(s?) I can deal with that. Progress, not perfection. What matters is if he gets back up and keeps going. If he chooses not to keep going, 110% I am done
Relapse isn't a deal breaker for me because it depends on how its handled. I agree progress, not perfection. Picking up and keep going.
But one caution I want to add. Since the title of your thread was about concerns over AA, and there have been many testimonies to the program. I want to say be careful not to make too strong a correlation between your husbands reliance/attendance on AA and recovery. They are not mutually exclusive. Its really a small number of people who use it consistently. I found an interesting study a while back when my husband was exploring AA. Most of the studies show that attendance and reliance drops significantly in the first year. But the good news is that it seems those with lower grade substance use disorder are the ones who cut back or stop. Those with more significant addictions tend to go longer and with more frequency. ( If you want to see that study send me a pm and I will try to find it again).
Here on the family forum its usually discussed as if one is simply an alcoholic or not. I really wanted to share this because right now you may question the importance of AA, but later if he decides to stop or not go often then it may bring up new fears. Ive had to learn to look at recovery in a broad lens and I see it through attitude, actions, sharing of thoughts and feelings, reliability, trust building and all these very positive things. Its not really about what option is being used to accomplish this.
When you wrote: I DO want to let it go. I'm miserable with it. But I'm stuck, I don't know how. Thats what Ive told RAH, Im stuck where I'm at right now.
I had to give myself time. Initially in our situation there was what I will call a stage of shock and things were dismal. I couldn't resolve my feelings until things began to settle down, as in home life became more stable. There is a time for being selfish in recovery on both sides, but the recovery for our family/relationship took working with my husband simply by talking and sharing going on between us. It had to be done at a pace we were both comfortable with so my suggestion is to not assume what he needs or wants, but simply ask. Likewise, when you know what you need or want, or even if you are conflicted its ok to share it with him. This is between the 2 of you. Each of you deciding what you need as individuals and then joining together in a way that works for you both.
I also would like to share my thoughts on this: I expect a relapse(s?) I can deal with that. Progress, not perfection. What matters is if he gets back up and keeps going. If he chooses not to keep going, 110% I am done
Relapse isn't a deal breaker for me because it depends on how its handled. I agree progress, not perfection. Picking up and keep going.
But one caution I want to add. Since the title of your thread was about concerns over AA, and there have been many testimonies to the program. I want to say be careful not to make too strong a correlation between your husbands reliance/attendance on AA and recovery. They are not mutually exclusive. Its really a small number of people who use it consistently. I found an interesting study a while back when my husband was exploring AA. Most of the studies show that attendance and reliance drops significantly in the first year. But the good news is that it seems those with lower grade substance use disorder are the ones who cut back or stop. Those with more significant addictions tend to go longer and with more frequency. ( If you want to see that study send me a pm and I will try to find it again).
Here on the family forum its usually discussed as if one is simply an alcoholic or not. I really wanted to share this because right now you may question the importance of AA, but later if he decides to stop or not go often then it may bring up new fears. Ive had to learn to look at recovery in a broad lens and I see it through attitude, actions, sharing of thoughts and feelings, reliability, trust building and all these very positive things. Its not really about what option is being used to accomplish this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
UPDATE TO MY ORIGINAL POST. Thank you everyone for helping me. I would be a sobbing, depressed mess without you, but instead Im learning how to detach and not be a sobbing depressed mess. I now see the importance of AA and him being very involved in his recovery. A few things posters said that helped.....its not the program that requires them to be selfish while focusing on recovery, its recovery. And someone else asked me if I'd rather he be selfish and drinking who knows how long, or if Id rather he be selfish for a little longer while he recovers? Those two things, among many others hit me in the right way. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Wamama48
Thank you! I feel like Im not doing something wrong because I cant let it go right now. I am truly, honestly trying! Im reading this forum and the stickies, I reading Al Anon material, Ive set up a counseling appointment. Im not doing it to punish him, I realize its punishing me. So there's all this material and advice on letting it go, stop expecting etc. But Im not there, I cant find a way to do it. So your post made me feel better. Im not failing at this, maybe I just need some time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Wamama48
UPDATE TO MY ORIGINAL POST. Thank you everyone for helping me. I would be a sobbing, depressed mess without you, but instead Im learning how to detach and not be a sobbing depressed mess. I now see the importance of AA and him being very involved in his recovery. A few things posters said that helped.....its not the program that requires them to be selfish while focusing on recovery, its recovery. And someone else asked me if I'd rather he be selfish and drinking who knows how long, or if Id rather he be selfish for a little longer while he recovers? Those two things, among many others hit me in the right way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you for the encouragement.
😍
😍
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Your not failing ! It seems like your doing the same thing I did. Searching for answers, looking at concepts and ideas. This site barely touches on the info that is out there for family. Im so happy your going to try counseling too. It was hard for me to take that step, but I felt so confused and I needed a 1:1 where I could get into the specifics of my life, and what I was feeling. What was going on in my home and with my husband. Your Trying ! Its a wonderful thing ! Each step you take My belief is that you will get stronger IN yourself. This is about you, and what works to make you feel better. Cyber hugs !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I don't think there will ever be any kind of normalcy when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic.
Originally Posted by Clover71
Feeling rejected sucks, especially after going through so much and having so much hope of "normalcy". Maybe it's time for you to be "selfish" too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Yes I think we share that feeling of searching for answers.
So far they are elusive, but I hope to find them in time. I'm tired of the whole alcoholism subject in general. Its exhausting and wasting my limited brain energy right now lol
So far they are elusive, but I hope to find them in time. I'm tired of the whole alcoholism subject in general. Its exhausting and wasting my limited brain energy right now lol
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Your not failing ! It seems like your doing the same thing I did. Searching for answers, looking at concepts and ideas. This site barely touches on the info that is out there for family. Im so happy your going to try counseling too. It was hard for me to take that step, but I felt so confused and I needed a 1:1 where I could get into the specifics of my life, and what I was feeling. What was going on in my home and with my husband. Your Trying ! Its a wonderful thing ! Each step you take My belief is that you will get stronger IN yourself. This is about you, and what works to make you feel better. Cyber hugs !
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I think if your husband agreed to move out and respected your wishes about that you'd feel a whole lot better and be able to process things and move forward better. As he hasn't and he won't you are having to overcome that massive feeling of anger and resentment on top of everything else and are probably wondering just how committed he is to your happiness in the marriage. Which is understandable and I felt the same way. I'v e no easy answers. In my case my exah wasn't committed to anyone's happiness but his own. It was ALL about HIM. I found I could only heal once we are apart. I think many posters here have found that themselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You're exactly right! I can't explain the exact reason why he needs to leave for me to heal, I just know he does.
Interesting situation coming up that should be revealing.....He's leaving Thursday to stay at my daughter's house for 4 days to fix stuff. She lives 1 1/2 hours away. My daughter is visiting our house that day. He doesn't want to ride to her house with them. Our son in law will be there and he can't stand him (no one can)
Our youngest daughter will also be visiting that day. She lives 2 hours away and will go right by our other daughters house on her way home. He doesn't want to ride with her and friends. Yeah, locked in a car for 90 min with 3 21 year old girls would be miserable.
He can just suck it up! I get panicky and tense in the car with him. He hasn't asked me to drive him there, just says he doesn't want the other 2 options. We will see if he chooses my comfort over his.
Interesting situation coming up that should be revealing.....He's leaving Thursday to stay at my daughter's house for 4 days to fix stuff. She lives 1 1/2 hours away. My daughter is visiting our house that day. He doesn't want to ride to her house with them. Our son in law will be there and he can't stand him (no one can)
Our youngest daughter will also be visiting that day. She lives 2 hours away and will go right by our other daughters house on her way home. He doesn't want to ride with her and friends. Yeah, locked in a car for 90 min with 3 21 year old girls would be miserable.
He can just suck it up! I get panicky and tense in the car with him. He hasn't asked me to drive him there, just says he doesn't want the other 2 options. We will see if he chooses my comfort over his.
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I think if your husband agreed to move out and respected your wishes about that you'd feel a whole lot better and be able to process things and move forward better. As he hasn't and he won't you are having to overcome that massive feeling of anger and resentment on top of everything else and are probably wondering just how committed he is to your happiness in the marriage. Which is understandable and I felt the same way. I'v e no easy answers. In my case my exah wasn't committed to anyone's happiness but his own. It was ALL about HIM. I found I could only heal once we are apart. I think many posters here have found that themselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Wamama48
You're exactly right! I can't explain the exact reason why he needs to leave for me to heal, I just know he does.
Detachment requires some compassion that I just didn't have in the early recovery days. I was too raw. We were waging war on the same demon but had different languages, solutions & needs. He'd been fully selfish in his addiction & now he was required to be as selfish in recovery while I continued on, raising kid, paying bills, showing up in life in all kinds of ways that couldn't stop for both of us. When we were separated I had a more complete freedom - my schedule, my house, my space was all MINE fully & completely. I had control over our interactions (timing, duration) and the distance helped me get clarity that I could never get to with the constant roaring of day-to-day life with him.
It was one of the ways I had to get selfish in recovery, but at first I fought against it because it seemed so counterintuitive to fixing anything. I think it's HUGE that you sense the value in this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You don't have to know the reason why he needs to leave for you to heal -- we get it. It's like trying to recover from a sunburn in a hundred-degree heat, naked and without sunscreen. You're just going to keep feeding that burn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
It took me a full minute to figure out what you meant lol NO, as in "I owe you no explanation as to why I won't drive you", correct? Oh I'm a smart girl, I'm starting to catch on! I'm so excited, I might get unstuck now.
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Just remember that NO is a complete sentence
Last edited by Wamama48; 03-05-2018 at 11:09 AM. Reason: Because I spell like a first grader
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thank you! I feel like Im doing something wrong because I cant let it go right now. I am truly, honestly trying! Im reading this forum and the stickies, I reading Al Anon material, Ive set up a counseling appointment. Im not doing it to punish him, I realize its punishing me. So there's all this material and advice on letting it go, stop expecting etc. But Im not there, I cant find a way to do it. So your post made me feel better. Im not failing at this, maybe I just need some time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 68
Just throwing in my 2 cents for what it's worth. Treatment centers often perpetuate the idea that one needs to be "selfish" in recovery. But AA...as outlined by its founders...encourages the opposite of this. Becoming more selfless, being accountable and responsible, admitting faults and making amends, helping others....these are the tenets of AA.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I'm glad to hear that.
All I've heard about recovery is that the person has to make it their top priority. I'm glad AA encourages becoming selfLESS. I'm not seeing that so far, but I'm sure he doesn't share everything and that's ok. I repeat 100 times a day....I'm happy he's getting help, I'm happy he's getting help....
All I've heard about recovery is that the person has to make it their top priority. I'm glad AA encourages becoming selfLESS. I'm not seeing that so far, but I'm sure he doesn't share everything and that's ok. I repeat 100 times a day....I'm happy he's getting help, I'm happy he's getting help....
Originally Posted by Lindajean68
Just throwing in my 2 cents for what it's worth. Treatment centers often perpetuate the idea that one needs to be "selfish" in recovery. But AA...as outlined by its founders...encourages the opposite of this. Becoming more selfless, being accountable and responsible, admitting faults and making amends, helping others....these are the tenets of AA.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Hi W, I just want to reinforce what others have said that the letting go of the anger is a process. A long process. If you are not okay with what is going on, that is ok. Let those feelings come and let them go . . . . .and if you are like me those yuck feelings keep coming back again and again.
A monk once told me that the first step in forgiveness was admitting that you are not ready to forgive. Not being ready is ok.
A monk once told me that the first step in forgiveness was admitting that you are not ready to forgive. Not being ready is ok.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I'm glad to hear that.
All I've heard about recovery is that the person has to make it their top priority. I'm glad AA encourages becoming selfLESS. I'm not seeing that so far, but I'm sure he doesn't share everything and that's ok. I repeat 100 times a day....I'm happy he's getting help, I'm happy he's getting help....
All I've heard about recovery is that the person has to make it their top priority. I'm glad AA encourages becoming selfLESS. I'm not seeing that so far, but I'm sure he doesn't share everything and that's ok. I repeat 100 times a day....I'm happy he's getting help, I'm happy he's getting help....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 68
Sorry....just adding to my post above. When AA was founded, there were no rehabs or halfway houses, etc. People got sober within their home environments and were encouraged to focus on righting the wrongs they had done IN THOSE ENVIRONMENTS.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I like that monk! Yes we are alike, those feeling keep popping up when you think they are mostly worked through. I thought I'd be ok to touch him for 1 literal minute. He had a tiny tick on him, I pulled it off. Next thing I know I was crying and rubbing my fingers where I touched him. I just had to do that, for 10 minutes. I was mad at ME and told him I shouldn't get this worked up over touching a man I've loved for 20 years! He said he was sorry and I went to bed. Yes, its a process.
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hi W, I just want to reinforce what others have said that the letting go of the anger is a process. A long process. If you are not okay with what is going on, that is ok. Let those feelings come and let them go . . . . .and if you are like me those yuck feelings keep coming back again and again.
A monk once told me that the first step in forgiveness was admitting that you are not ready to forgive. Not being ready is ok.
A monk once told me that the first step in forgiveness was admitting that you are not ready to forgive. Not being ready is ok.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
