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Old 02-14-2018, 01:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Do I message him?


So it has been almost two weeks since my break up with my alcoholic boyfriend. He still has not apologised for the hurt he has caused me or taken any ownership whatsoever for his mishaps. I know that this is probably part of a built in defence mechanism to avoid feeling any further hurt than he already does yet until he can accept ownership of his mistakes and his problems I am not interested in hearing from him.

He was pretty good and laid off contact for a full week before messaging me via social media (presumably drunk) to tell me he missed me. I know he is hurting but I was so angry that I blocked him. I miss him too but that doesnít make things better between us.

Of course though now I am stressing. I think it was the right decision to block him but should I send him a text explaining why? I donít want him to take it the wrong way. I love him but at this stage I think we could both do with a bit of space. I know this sounds very contradictory. I donít want to open up a dialogue at all but I just want him to undereatand that I donít hate him. I donít want to give him another excuse to feel hurt and continue to drown his sorrows with booze
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Old 02-14-2018, 02:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You know, he'll find an excuse to drink if that's what he wants to do, with or without your input.

I'd suggest maintaining the no-contact and look into ways of working on your own recovery, as you're still making this all about him, what he may or may not think or feel. What is good for him. HE is responsible for him. YOU are responsible for you and your life and your happiness. You may need to stop looking in the rear view mirror if you want to enjoy the journey ahead.

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Old 02-14-2018, 02:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hello Harperlee,

It seems to me that while in active addiction, a person does not really have relationships so much as use people as props in the scenarios in their minds--the scenario in which everything is OK and there is nothing wrong with the drinking.

As long as the people who love an alcoholic don't hassle him/her about it, then the alcoholic can say "see, I'm good!"

As soon the people who love an alcoholic begin to question their drinking or ask them to stop, then that is a threat to this perfect drinking world they have in their minds.

The response seems to be either one of two things: belittle and gaslight the person into submission; or end the relationship and tell everyone the person is crazy.

This can continue unless and until the alcoholic decides to finally change their own life. That can only come from within.

Take good care of yourself! You are worthy of a peaceful and joy-filled life!
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Old 02-14-2018, 04:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you berrybean and seren for knocking some sense into me already! You are both entirely right. Itís funny how you know these things deep down but then your mind starts to play tricks on you.

And it is funny what you said seren because Iíve been through two breaks ups with my current alcoholic ex. The first time he ended it and made it out I was crazy and then the next time we got together it was the former, he gaslighted me for a long time until I finally woke up (or saw the light haha) and left him. Thanks for illuminating me once again (and sorry for the truly terrible puns!)
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Of course though now I am stressing. I think it was the right decision to block him but should I send him a text explaining why?
No. Unless you want a drunk for a boyfriend continue no contact. And forget getting an apology from him, only drunken texts and calls. Life is too short to spend it on an active alcoholic.
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
No. Unless you want a drunk for a boyfriend continue no contact. And forget getting an apology from him, only drunken texts and calls. Life is too short to spend it on an active alcoholic.


You most likely won't get the apologize you want or deserve. Just forget that part.

Leave him be.
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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^^^^^^^^^^ Yep, this.
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Old 02-14-2018, 07:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Seren;6786540]Hello Harperlee,


As long as the people who love an alcoholic don't hassle him/her about it, then the alcoholic can say "see, I'm good!"

As soon the people who love an alcoholic begin to question their drinking or ask them to stop, then that is a threat to this perfect drinking world they have in their minds.

The response seems to be either one of two things: belittle and gaslight the person into submission; or end the relationship and tell everyone the person is crazy.

Omg so true! So true!!!
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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"....tell everyone the person is crazy..."

Of course, I would gladly admit to being a little crazy when we first separated.
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Old 02-14-2018, 11:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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it's never a good idea to break No Contact with someone for the express purpose of telling them you are going No Contact.
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Old 02-14-2018, 11:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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It does not sound like much has changed. You really deserve so much more. No contact is what is good for you, and that is where your head, and heart, have to be now. Keep reading, and keep taking care of yourself!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Harperlee4 View Post
Thank you berrybean and seren for knocking some sense into me already! You are both entirely right. Itís funny how you know these things deep down but then your mind starts to play tricks on you.

And it is funny what you said seren because Iíve been through two breaks ups with my current alcoholic ex. The first time he ended it and made it out I was crazy and then the next time we got together it was the former, he gaslighted me for a long time until I finally woke up (or saw the light haha) and left him. Thanks for illuminating me once again (and sorry for the truly terrible puns!)
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