dandylion

Upsidedown......Letting go of something that is bad for you is not the same thing as "giving up"......

I think that you would get a l ot of benefit from the book..."Co-Dependent No More". It is highly recommended by most members of this forum. It is an easy read, and I think that you will find that it will really resonate with you. You can get it from the local library or on amazon.com. You can get it really cheaply, if you get a used copy.....

Upsidedown...have you really read all the articles in our extensive library of excellent articles...on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
I suggest that you read an article every day...lol...there are enough for you do do that!
There is sooo much to know.....
Here is the link to our library (it is in the "stickies" just above the threads).....
You can click on the following link to go straight to them....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

dandylion

Upsidedown....there is a good chance that he will be "back". It is often said that it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic.....unless they move on to someone else who is more willing to put up with their crap.....
He has been doing this for over a decade....and you seem to be a young woman with a child to raise....
Please....please....consider long and hard if this is the kind of life that you really want?
LOL...I have given you plenty of material to read to help you with this.....

Upsidedown23

Yes, you have and I’ve been reading. I’m sorry if I’m not ‘getting it’ quick enough

Spence7471

Do not be sorry... you have nothing to be sorry for... it can take some time to break the cycle of codependance. Just keep moving forward and work on yourself, and you will have your "ah-ha" moment, just like many of us do.

However, with that said, you are on this forum for education and perhaps indirect advice... listen to what others are saying and heed their stories as warnings/advice... most have been thru similar things... your situation is really no different than most of ours.

Best wishes.. .we are here for you...

T

Roseb123

It is very difficult to do the "no contact". My ABF just broke up with me a couple days ago. I know it's only been a few days but I'm used to the everyday contact. Whenever you feel like you're going to reach out to him, reach out to friends or family or post here. Everyone tells me that this is a blessing in disguise or you dodged a bullet. I know that, but it still doesn't take away the hurt. Even when he wasn't drinking I found myself walking around on eggshells with him. Good luck to you and just know that you're not alone ❤

Upsidedown23

Thank you, I think mine has broken up with me too. He walked out and I haven’t seen him for a couple of days. I’ve barely heard from him. At first it was a few texts about how he thinks I’m better off without him. Then he started to talk about coming back, then went cold again. It’s all over the place and totally unlike him. I know I’ve been warned to expect this kind of thing so I shouldn’t be as shocked as I am, but it’s soooo painful, I can barely cope

BAW81

Upsidedown - I'm sorry you're in pain. Break ups are hard but he is right..Both you and your daughter are better off without him. I know that I do not know the details of your of your entire relationship but based on what you have shared, and I say this with love, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

And if you don't want to run, I encourage you to find support/therapy to figure out why you would stay? What is this relationship bringing to YOU that is good and healthy? How is it impacting your daughter?

Upsidedown23

The relationship itself has been great. He’s made me feel loved and accepted for who I am, I really feel like he understands me. His drinking has caused him to be distant at times but he’s never been overtly unkind and he has never blamed anything on me.
It would be so much easier to accept if he was an angry, belligerent drunk, or if we were always arguing or he showed more red flag behaviour. But what happens more often than not is that he lavishes me with love and affection, steps up and helps me with things, gives me emotizonal support when I’m having a tough time with things outside of the relationship. Then he gets drunk and sad and tells me he is no good for me.

Ultimately he says he thinks the problem is that he will never be good enough for me and it’s so difficult. The drinking IS no good for me, or him, or my daughter. I know that. But the closeness, the openness and the togetherness we share for the most part have been so wonderful and everything I’ve ever wanted and it’s so confusing.

Its difficult to accept because I don’t feel like I’m trying to force him to love me when he doesn’t. I feel like he truly does love me but he doesn’t love himself. He has lost all faith that he will ever recover and there is nothing I can do about it.

I understand I have codependency issues and that you may think the ‘love’ I’m describing can’t possibly be real, that he isn’t capable of it as an alcoholic, or that I’m seeing something in him that’s not there. I hear what you’re all saying about how this is not a proper relationship and will never be one while he is drinking. Everything you have all said to me and everything you’ve suggested I read all makes perfect sense.

But I can’t seem to find a way to get through the pain and carry on without him. I feel so deeply sad that he’d rather give up on us than try a little harder with his sobriety.

I feel like I’m the one letting me down, by not being strong enough to cope with this. I’ve never been so deeply heartbroken and I can’t currently conceive of a future where I feel ok again.

LLLisa

I'm sorry. You are heartbroken. It really, really sucks.

BUT, you have a child to raise. You have to suck this up and force yourself to think of your kid's future and your future.

You weren't put on this earth to feel miserable. Actively choose to forge through this. You are perfectly capable. This pain will not last.

Upsidedown23

Thank you. He’s come back and gone again and everything is up in the air but I gave him an ultimatum and today is the day for a final decision as to whether he is gonna go back into recovery or not. Now for 8 hours of work before I find out what I probably already know.

dandylion

Upsidedown....it doesn't sound like he is ready to do the hard work of sobriety/recovery....and, it really is HARD work.....it has to be first priority, for him....
I don't know the details of his recovery history...and, I haven't gone back to read all of your posts, this morning....or, even if he might have a dual diagnosis....but, he is going to have to work hard and dig deep, if he is ever going to get on the road of genuine, lasting recovery....
If he won't/can't/doesn't do so...then, I feel that you are facing a life of continuing pain and uncertainty....
That is the reality for you and your daughter....
A time of hard and important, life changing decisions for you....
As hard as it is...your life is your responsibility...your happiness is your responsibility....and we all have to face life on life's terms and reality...
He has to make his decisions...and, you have to make yours.

Be aware that you will have to mourn the loss of the relationship and the l oss of your dream of future life, with him....
Grief is extraordinarily painful....words don't really describe it, adequately....
It lasts as long as it lasts....usually, a few weeks to several months....in fits and starts...
But, it will come to an end, if that is the path that you decide to take...
I like to call it ....Short-term pain, for the Long-term gain.....

I know that you have the strength to do whatever you need to do....Courage always shows up at just the very second that we need it (not before)....

BAW81

Upsidedown - I want you to know that all of my comments come from a loving (somewhat tough love) place. I do not mean to hurt or belittle your feelings at all but I am going to question some of your comments based on things I've learned along my journey.

The relationship itself has been great.
- Are you truly being honest about what a great relationship is? How do you define great? I encourage you to take time to reflect on what your definition of a great relationship really is/means/feels like. I am only just learning what that means out of the ashes of my marriage to an alcoholic. I'm having to completely reset.

Then he gets drunk and sad and tells me he is no good for me.
- This sounds very emotionally manipulative and it also doesn't sound that great.

The drinking IS no good for me, or him, or my daughter. I know that.
- This is correct and I want you to re-read this over and over until you actually believe it enough to protect yourself and your daughter from it/him.

But the closeness, the openness and the togetherness we share for the most part have been so wonderful and everything I’ve ever wanted and it’s so confusing.
- "for the most part" There are people that can give it to ALL the time, they are healthy. You are not healthy if you think just having it for the most part is good enough. Would you want your daughter to settle "for the most part?" If not, why would you?

I feel like he truly does love me but he doesn’t love himself.
- THIS. If a person doesn't love and respect them self, they are NOT capable of loving and respecting others. He can only love you to a certain extent...If he was capable of truly loving you and not an addict and you asked him to stop doing something that was hurting him/you/your daughter, he would be able to do it. I know it's hard to believe right now but there are healthy people out there who love them self and in turn can love others. I also recommend you look in the mirror to make sure you love you. If you truly love yourself then why would you hold onto a relationship with someone like this? Love yourself FIRST. Teach your daughter to love herself first. I'm trying to learn this at 36 and it's starting to change my life and the people around me.

I understand I have codependency issues/I read all makes perfect sense.
-It's not fun when you recognize things about yourself that you're doing to hurt you. It is important to take time and examine them though. Learn from it. Grow and set a good example so that little girl learns too.

I feel so deeply sad that he’d rather give up on us than try a little harder with his sobriety.
- I say this with love but welcome to the club. You're not alone. We all have been there and you will get through it. You'll get through it and hopefully come out stronger and teach your daughter how to survive disappointment too.

I feel like I’m the one letting me down, by not being strong enough to cope with this. I’ve never been so deeply heartbroken and I can’t currently conceive of a future where I feel ok again.
- You're not letting yourself down by not being strong enough but you are by trying to force something that isn't right. If it was right, it wouldn't be hard. PLEASE DO NOT LET DOWN YOUR DAUGHTER! She needs you, she loves you, she looks up to you.

The people on this site are here for you, you are not alone. We are all at different stages of the same horrible experience of loving someone who is an alcoholic. You will get through this if you take the time to learn and heal and grow. Only then can you be healthy, attract healthy relationships, and teach your daughter what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

Carol Star

Somewhere on here I read"if you get between someone and their bottom they will land on you." Take care of you.

Bekindalways

Hi Upside, I sure do hear you about how hard this is.

When I left my qualifier I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel of pain. It took so ding-dang-dad blasted long to get through it. I didn't go through it because I wanted to. I did it because he was choosing to basically die and I chose life. It was so NOT fun.

There are quite a few drunks who are horrible people and some get sober and continue to be horrible people. My qualifier was kind, sensitive and brilliant. He was hard working and a good friend. He became an addict. No good human quality can withstand the force of an active addiction. Yes these qualities were still part of who he was but they were buried and obliterated by the drugs and alcohol.

It has been decades since I left him but I still remember the level of that pain. It is why I post here. I wish I could do more than type words of support. It just sucks so much for everyone of us during that time.