So scared tonight
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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So scared tonight
ABF has fallen off the wagon again. Things seemed ok for a while but today he has gone off the deep end. I was supposed to pick him up after I finished work... I called him when I was outside and he said he’d be out in a minute.
30 mins later and I’m still sitting waiting. I decided to knock. He lives with his mother at the moment so she let me in, I found him passed out on the bed. I tried to wake him but he only stirred slightly and went straight back to sleep. I left him there as I don’t want my daughter to witness that so wasn’t prepared to take him with me even if he DID wake up.
But now I’m realising he could be in serious trouble and I just left him. I tried contact his mother to say I was worried and did she think she should maybe call an ambulance but I haven’t been able to get hold of her yet.
I just hope she is at least keeping an eye on him but I know I can’t get too involved, for my own sake.
Feeling extremely worried, the fact I’ve had no response from his mum has left me reeling and worst case scenarios, like that something terrible has happened and that she hasn’t seen her phone because is too busy with paramedics or something
30 mins later and I’m still sitting waiting. I decided to knock. He lives with his mother at the moment so she let me in, I found him passed out on the bed. I tried to wake him but he only stirred slightly and went straight back to sleep. I left him there as I don’t want my daughter to witness that so wasn’t prepared to take him with me even if he DID wake up.
But now I’m realising he could be in serious trouble and I just left him. I tried contact his mother to say I was worried and did she think she should maybe call an ambulance but I haven’t been able to get hold of her yet.
I just hope she is at least keeping an eye on him but I know I can’t get too involved, for my own sake.
Feeling extremely worried, the fact I’ve had no response from his mum has left me reeling and worst case scenarios, like that something terrible has happened and that she hasn’t seen her phone because is too busy with paramedics or something
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You sound exactly like me. I don't know your story, but this shook me to the core many occasions where I wouldn't hear from him only to find him blacked out from the drink trying to shake him awake. In all likeliness he is probably sleeping off the drinking, or actively drinking in between passing out if he has fallen off the wagon. If he is safe and in her home, while it is enabling on the part of his mother, he seems to be ok in relative terms. Off the wagon, stirring slightly in bed means he is doing what alcoholics do.
Also, I recall never getting texts from his mom because honestly, who wants to deal with a hysterical girlfriend when the mom is so use to the antics of the addict and trying to cope herself?
You did good leaving him there, even if you didn't have your daughter. I use to rescue the addict all the time and take him home to tend to him. It wasn't pretty and brought on a lot of stress and mess and frustration. You didn't leave him on the side of the road, you left him cozied up in his own bed with his mother in her warm house.
He is okay....doing what alcoholics do. Get to a meeting tonight. *hugs*
Also, I recall never getting texts from his mom because honestly, who wants to deal with a hysterical girlfriend when the mom is so use to the antics of the addict and trying to cope herself?
You did good leaving him there, even if you didn't have your daughter. I use to rescue the addict all the time and take him home to tend to him. It wasn't pretty and brought on a lot of stress and mess and frustration. You didn't leave him on the side of the road, you left him cozied up in his own bed with his mother in her warm house.
He is okay....doing what alcoholics do. Get to a meeting tonight. *hugs*
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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And thank you for your kind words. I’m finding it so difficult to distance myself from him. I’ve heard so many stories on here about the difficulties of going no contact and I just can’t see myself ever being strong enough to do it
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Keep posting here then, there will be plenty of words of support. Sometimes for me it helps to just stop and collect my thoughts. To be rational. In this case you can say "ok...so he is drinking again....but he's safe. He's with his mom and she can take care of it. I'm glad he is not in the streets".
Do you have a sponsor you can call (yours) or someone from a meeting list if you've gone to alanon? Also, if you have a copy laying around or can download I suggest reading Codependent No More. It always brings me back down to earth.
You know where he is. Many times they disappear and that can be agonizing, but you know he is home safe drinking right?
Do you have a sponsor you can call (yours) or someone from a meeting list if you've gone to alanon? Also, if you have a copy laying around or can download I suggest reading Codependent No More. It always brings me back down to earth.
You know where he is. Many times they disappear and that can be agonizing, but you know he is home safe drinking right?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Upside down - I'm so sorry. That must have been so scary and I'm sorry you're hurting.
" I just can’t see myself ever being strong enough to do it" This is a gentle nudge to let you know that by thinking this way, you are holding back your strength. Maybe it would be good for you to focus on that statement and be honest about why you can't see yourself being strong enough?
Are you afraid of something?
I guess what I'm trying to do is to help you refocus your energy on what you can control right now which is YOU. You get to control your own thoughts, your own actions, you get to control and empower your own strength.
You have a little girl looking up to you right now. Be the woman you want her to be! You got this!
" I just can’t see myself ever being strong enough to do it" This is a gentle nudge to let you know that by thinking this way, you are holding back your strength. Maybe it would be good for you to focus on that statement and be honest about why you can't see yourself being strong enough?
Are you afraid of something?
I guess what I'm trying to do is to help you refocus your energy on what you can control right now which is YOU. You get to control your own thoughts, your own actions, you get to control and empower your own strength.
You have a little girl looking up to you right now. Be the woman you want her to be! You got this!
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No Contact has been a gift for me.
When my husband relapsed the last time, I went No Contact and it was the best thing possible I could have done for our son and I.
It wasn't nearly as hard as the trauma of being in the vicinity of an active alcoholic... whether that is a connection by phone or text it was still a hurtful connection until I finally broke it.
When my husband relapsed the last time, I went No Contact and it was the best thing possible I could have done for our son and I.
It wasn't nearly as hard as the trauma of being in the vicinity of an active alcoholic... whether that is a connection by phone or text it was still a hurtful connection until I finally broke it.
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interesting that you sat there waiting outside for 30 minutes......taxi cabs only wait about 5. you knew he was inside, he has said he'd be right out and yet you let 30 minutes of YOUR precious time tick by......
then as it turns out, he's passed out drunk. he knew you were coming to get him, and yet...........he made other choices.
this grown man is living at mom's. as smarie said, she's been thru this before.
and you have too. THIS is what life is like with untreated addiction. you have a body of work to examine now. you are not having a healthy relationship with another fully formed adult.
then as it turns out, he's passed out drunk. he knew you were coming to get him, and yet...........he made other choices.
this grown man is living at mom's. as smarie said, she's been thru this before.
and you have too. THIS is what life is like with untreated addiction. you have a body of work to examine now. you are not having a healthy relationship with another fully formed adult.
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[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;6761999
this grown man is living at mom's. as smarie said, she's been thru this before.[/QUOTE]
He actually only recently moved back to his mothers and she hasn’t had much experience with this at all, that’s why I was so worried. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp the gravity of the situation.
As it turns out, he was ‘ok’ - he says he is really suffering for it today and I’m not surprised. He has so far managed not to reach for the hair of the dog but he has been as sick as one
this grown man is living at mom's. as smarie said, she's been thru this before.[/QUOTE]
He actually only recently moved back to his mothers and she hasn’t had much experience with this at all, that’s why I was so worried. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp the gravity of the situation.
As it turns out, he was ‘ok’ - he says he is really suffering for it today and I’m not surprised. He has so far managed not to reach for the hair of the dog but he has been as sick as one
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23 
He actually only recently moved back to his mothers and she hasn’t had much experience with this at all, that’s why I was so worried. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp the gravity of the situation.
As it turns out, he was ‘ok’ - he says he is really suffering for it today and I’m not surprised. He has so far managed not to reach for the hair of the dog but he has been as sick as one
As it turns out, he was ‘ok’ - he says he is really suffering for it today and I’m not surprised. He has so far managed not to reach for the hair of the dog but he has been as sick as one
As you may know, alcoholism tends to be progressive. Moving back in with his mom might be part of the spiral down.
Going no-contact with my qualifier was one of the most difficult things I've done in my life. I was as addicted to him as he was to drugs/alcohol.
You may very well not be able to go no contact right now but you can start putting together a support system for doing it eventually: get yourself to an Alanon meeting, find a counselor, keep posting here and educate yourself about codependency and alcoholism.
Absolutely nothing will make no-contact easy but it is possible for many to gather the tools to make going no-contact possible.
Hugs to you lady.
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As it turns out, he was ‘ok’
but you were not. he was doing exactly what he wanted, regardless of any plans or any consideration to how his actions might affect his mother or you.
he's showing you what's on the menu..........
but you were not. he was doing exactly what he wanted, regardless of any plans or any consideration to how his actions might affect his mother or you.
he's showing you what's on the menu..........
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He actually only recently moved back to his mothers and she hasn’t had much experience with this at all, that’s why I was so worried. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp the gravity of the situation.
Defending his living status doesn't make the reality any better.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
interesting that you sat there waiting outside for 30 minutes......taxi cabs only wait about 5. you knew he was inside, he has said he'd be right out and yet you let 30 minutes of YOUR precious time tick by......
then as it turns out, he's passed out drunk. he knew you were coming to get him, and yet...........he made other choices.
this grown man is living at mom's. as smarie said, she's been thru this before.
and you have too. THIS is what life is like with untreated addiction. you have a body of work to examine now. you are not having a healthy relationship with another fully formed adult.
then as it turns out, he's passed out drunk. he knew you were coming to get him, and yet...........he made other choices.
this grown man is living at mom's. as smarie said, she's been thru this before.
and you have too. THIS is what life is like with untreated addiction. you have a body of work to examine now. you are not having a healthy relationship with another fully formed adult.
My time is precious, your time is precious...everyone's time is precious. I no longer allow anyone to hijack my time.
The second to last physical contact (where I actually laid eyes on him) I had with my AF was picking him up at his coworkers house after work. During an ice storm. I was on my way, I tried calling and texting to let him know that I would be there in 5 min and to come straight out, that I was not waiting.
Long story short, he wasn't waiting outside when I pulled up. No answer on the phone...I texted the coworker and said I was leaving...he stumbled out (could barely walk), so I knew he wasn't just drunk, but probably high. I told him I was done and he was going to have to find another place to live. He put his hand on the door handle. I stopped the car in the middle of the parking lot and told him to get out. He did and I left.
I drove home in the ice storm safely, made myself dinner and had a beautiful, quiet evening with myself and the dog. That was strike 3 for me being roommates with him.
The cost was too high.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I don’t think you are fully grasping the gravity of the situation. I don’t say this in a mean fashion, just reality.
Defending his living status doesn't make the reality any better.
Defending his living status doesn't make the reality any better.
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Originally Posted by Upsidedown23
I assure you, I’m not defending anything, just adding a little background to the situation
Please Upside, do everything to educate yourself about alcoholics and codependency.
Your qualifier's mother might not know much about alcoholism and the health/life risks but what is more important is that you understand the risks you take for yourself and your daughter by being in this relationship. You may not be ready to leave but you can start gaining tools and working on your own recovery.
Let us know how you are doing. This is not an easy situation to face.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
^^^^^ Understood.
Please Upside, do everything to educate yourself about alcoholics and codependency.
Your qualifier's mother might not know much about alcoholism and the health/life risks but what is more important is that you understand the risks you take for yourself and your daughter by being in this relationship. You may not be ready to leave but you can start gaining tools and working on your own recovery.
Let us know how you are doing. This is not an easy situation to face.
Please Upside, do everything to educate yourself about alcoholics and codependency.
Your qualifier's mother might not know much about alcoholism and the health/life risks but what is more important is that you understand the risks you take for yourself and your daughter by being in this relationship. You may not be ready to leave but you can start gaining tools and working on your own recovery.
Let us know how you are doing. This is not an easy situation to face.
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