BrunetteBabe05

He was sober and we were rebuilding the relationship very good. He was mentally abusive and cheated when he would drink. He was an out of control alcoholic. When he was sober he was a 180 of what he acted like when drunk. Otherwise, I would give up on him if he was the same sober. He was very loving, non abusive at all, didn't cheat, etc. He relapsed and I wasn't going to go through that trauma again, so I cut it off. We were with each other for two years.

He kept contacting me, and begging me to come back to him. Making compromises I wouldn't risk because we already tried it and it failed. He told me he won't give up his job for rehab. I told him unless he goes to rehab and gets help is the only way I would be with him. He kept trying and trying. I saw that he added this bartender on Facebook he was interested in, so I flipped out on him, and told him that I will be dating other guys, and I am moving on. It was more like a separation for me more than a breakup. I was waiting for him to fall, miss, and want me so badly that he would go to rehab, but it seems to be failing. And him adding that bartender really just made me think he's very deceitful and it turned me off.

I said that out of frustration about dating guys. It will be 30 days on the nose since we've been apart on October 10th. I don't want to date guys. I just felt played. He was contacting my mother and my mother got pissed off and blocked him. She loves him like a son but she also felt that he was wrong because if he wants to date other women, then do so, but don't contact me and beg for me back, that's wrong. He lives with my mother's friend whom she knew for 7 years. His name is John. Well my ex started to become very abusive by texting me "Move on. Alexandra is gorgeous. She's a little italian girl. I met a girl who's beautiful and I am going to go out with her. You are a thing in my past. You are nothing." I didn't respond to him. Then he texted my mom from a different number and said "I am going out with Alexandra. I am glad this relationship ended. It was toxic. This girl is super gorgeous." My mom didn't respond, then he said an hour later "Off to see Alexandra, see ya." My mom blocked the new number.

My mother contacted her friend John who he is living with. He intervened while she was talking to her friend on the phone and was acting belligerent and just kept making the point that he moved on and doesn't want me. Meanwhile, I haven't said a word, or contacted him. My mom said to leave it alone, and leave me be then. She then hung up. So later that night he contacted me saying "I love you so much. I know I can never have you. Alexandra wanted sex, but I couldn't because I looked in here eyes, and all I saw was you. You are my soulmate. I drink until I feel numb because I know I can't have you back. I am too much in love with you to be with another girl. I haven't even kissed a girl. I know how you feel about me, but I will always love you." I didn't text him back and he hasn't contacted me at all. But earlier he said he was going over Alexandria's house and he's deleting my number and me as whole from his memory. It really hurt me and I cried, because I shouldn't be getting a play by play of what he is doing with this "new girl".

I assumed he moved on because he hasn't contacted me, and he has been harassing me non stop for me to be back with him, but he's blocked by my mother. So, I thought he found someone else already. Apparently John (the room mate) said "I don't know if this girl Alexandra is real? He was home the whole day and wasn't over her house. All he does is mope around and says "I can't go out with another girl. All I want is my Olivia. I miss her so much." All he does is say how much he misses your daughter. I don't even know if this woman he's talking about is real. He seems all over the place. He did tell me she's a little italian girl, but he was home and didn't go out that day at all." He said he is severely depressed and all he wants is me. He said he thinks he lying entirely about this girl. He also said all he does is lay in the room and drink, and sulk.

If that's the case why doesn't he tell me? I did tell him I moved on and want no parts of him but that was because I was mad. I also became mad because he was shoving this Alex girl in my mother's face and mine. So, I was angry and we both profusely told him to not contact me anymore. I said I was dating other guys which is not the case, I am too heartbroken and haven't spoken to one guy. Apparently, he didn't go over her house like he said in the text he sent me. He knows the rules that I clearly told him. If he goes to rehab I will be in his life. He knows this, so why doesn't he go to rehab if he is that depressed and missing me? Also why isn't he telling me? Why is making it like he moved on and wants no parts of me? He goes from one extreme to the other, but the last text was a text to me saying that he couldn't be with another girl, and I was his soulmate. He sent me some soulmate quote. That was our last contact. He also told John he wants my mom to contact him so he can apologize? What should I do? I want him, but I want him sober. How do I go about this? I just want him to go to rehab. He also has Bipolar disorder too. And can alcoholics be convincing liars like that? Thank you so much in an advance.

Maudcat

Hi, BrunetteBabe.
Welcome to SR.
Well, there is a lot going on in your life right now.
I think your ex is a hot mess and you are probably well rid of him, though it doesn't seem that way just now.
I also think, my opinion only, mind, that your mom and friend John should stay out of the situation.
So how about we all take a step back, and breathe?
You are heartbroken and sad, and I hope that in time your pain eases.
It would probably benefit you to go no contact with your ex for a while.
Good luck.

biminiblue

I agree you are well rid of him, even though you are still way too enmeshed in his stuff.

I would tell everyone to stop giving you "news" of him. Stop checking his facebook.

You are both playing manipulative games and it's a toxic dance you're doing.

If you want to "get to" him, that's not cool. That's not how healthy people act, right? That's a game and you will be much happier if you stop that kind of nonsense.

BrunetteBabe05

I appreciate that alot thank you. I just want some more insight, and my mom isn't trying to to be involved because she blocked him and called her friend who he lives with, and my ex got on the other home phone and was just acting belligerent and mouthing off. They both are trying to stay out of it. He is the one that keeps it going. But I appreciate your support.

dandylion

Brunette....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will look them over and begin to read the ones that appeal to you....
there is sooo much to learn...lol....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

atalose

No you shouldn’t – this is where you block him from continuing to mentally abuse you.

Go no contact and be done with his drama.

And he is showing you with his actions that he is not ready to stop drinking or go to rehab no matter what his words say, you need to go by his actions.

Love NEVER is going to get an addict clean or sober. There is nothing you can do or say to get him to really want to seek help for himself. It’s sad but true.

His words have you engaged and holding on in a magical way but his actions are in the reality of this situation.

Ariesagain

He wants alcohol. And you, but in that order. And you're a pretty distant second.

All this stuff about another woman is a ploy to get you jealous enough to come back on any terms. You have wisely chosen not to play second to his addiction. The end.

She may be real, she may be made up, it doesn't matter. Block him and stop letting him play you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you a hug.

Computer

No contact

BrunetteBabe05

[QUOTE=dandylion;6625489]Brunette....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will look them over and begin to read the ones that appeal to you....
there is sooo much to learn...lol....



Thank you so much for supporting me and giving me this info. <3

grayghost1965

This one's a no-brainer - he's textbook alcoholic/manipulator and to drag your mother into this is BS of the highest order. Al-Anon would be a great resource for help sorting through feelings, as is this site. Good thoughts !

BrunetteBabe05

I did go no contact. I didn't block him because he isn't bothering me now and my block feature only block calls, but not texts. I know. It sucks, because I'd rather block texts than calls, because he is more of a texter. However, I haven't spoken to him. I appreciate your insight, do you think in time he'll go to rehab? Or will it most likely be never? I am just really hoping he goes, but you are right. His actions speak louder, and he seems to be standing his ground on not going, and I am standing my ground. We are both being stubborn, but I am being stubborn in a good way. I tried so much with him and he quit cold turkey before many times, and had a psych doctor, yada yada yada, and he still relapsed. He needs rehab. Going to a psych ward for a week of detox is not enough. Hes never actualy been to a rehab, well actually one inpatient rehab. He only lasted 12 days and he signed himself out. I profusely told him to not do that, but supposedly he missed me too much. So, I feel at this point he needs intense 30 day inpatient then continued outpatient care, and therapy. It's really sad because he has so much potential. Thank you for the support and advice.

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you for the hug. *hugs back* I really appreciate your support and advice. I haven't spoken to him at all and he hasn't tried contacting me. I guess I am holding onto hope he would change and I would get a call from a rehab. You'd think I would be running, but I am not. Sadly, I am not. I wish I would just give up on him entirely. The whole female drama really got to me. Because I am a devoted and loyal person, and would never do that to him whether it was made up or not. I would never want to do that to him. Also my block feature is broken and only blocks calls but not texts. He is more of a texter, so I would rather it be the other way around. It's easy to decline calls. Thank you so much for your support, advice, and kindness. Xoxoxo.

SparkleKitty

Until he is ready to stop, nothing will be enough.

dandylion

Brunette....lol...remember the saying :What you see is what you get"?
There is validity to this in terms of a relationship...
It is not wise to tie your string to a star based on "potential".....it is best to base decisions on present reality.....because potential is not guaranteed to be realized.....

BrunetteBabe05

I am thinking about going to Al-Anon because I need to learn more about the disease. I know somewhat about it because both of my aunts were alcoholics and drug addicts. One died, and the other one got sober but recently relapsed so we all have been creating a distance with her. I am 24 years old and got a lot of learning to do. Alcohol has ruined my life and I am not even the one doing it. His mental abuse and everything is out of control when he drinks. He never gets physical but he insulted me to the core and made me want to commit suicide. He felt so bad sober and tried to make it up to me, but he relapsed and it's sad because he was perfect sober. He just doesn't think there's any hope for him and there is. Thank you for the support and I am horrified this is a classic alcoholic behavior. Thanks again.

PuzzledHeart

A friend of mine recently experienced a breakup. For various reasons she didn't want to block him, but she didn't want to succumb to temptation either. So she changed his name on the contact list to "Don't Do It." It worked!

OpheliaKatz

He lasted 12 weeks before he called you saying he missed you too much and wanted to leave.... My AH lasted 4 days before calling me saying he missed me too much and wanted to leave, and he had started arguing with other people there too. He said "arguing". Who knows what really happened. He didn't miss me too much. First thing he did when he got home is drug himself. No "hi". Just straight to drugs. The problem with thinking he was perfect sober -- and I get this, I really do because I think this about my (x)AH too -- is that this is not who they are. The reality of the situation is that you are not dealing with a sober person, you are dealing with a person who will always have this addiction. Always. Even if they go into recovery, they will have to manage it, and they can and usually do relapse.

Puzzledheart has a good suggestion. Change his name to "don't do it" Lol!

hopeful4

BB...I am very glad you are here. There is lots of info and support for you here.

You have already gotten lots of good feedback, but I want to mention that it seems you are awfully focused on HIM, and not nearly as focused on YOU. I too encourage Alanon so you can learn about yourself, and learn what is within your control in relation to yourself and future relationships.

Let go and move forward.

AnvilheadII

i hope that as more time passes that you are AWAY from this person, you will be able to see just how destructive and dysfunctional it all has become. at 24 this is all WAYYYY too much drama and sadness, for anyone.

cut ties. stop anyone who wants to give you "the dirt" on him. resist the urge to find out what he is doing. he's your ex for a reason. learn to be yourself, fully YOU again.

atalose

Any contact he makes with you is emotional abuse and the more you hold on wishing things will magically change for him and then eventually change for the both of you together as a couple, the more hurt you will become.

Who knows, it sounds to me like he needs a dual diagnosis facility that can properly diagnosis both the alcohol addiction as well as any mental health issues he may have, bi-polar, depression, etc. Most people do not go to rehab especially the young ones by their own choice. Most end up there by court order or because they were told to go to rehab instead of jail, those are usually repeaters at rehabs; they end up going back, some several times in their life time. Rehab is not a fix and outpatient is not a valued solution especially for someone who is not doing it for the proper reasons.

Addiction/alcoholism is life long, if he were able to successfully detox in rehab and learn some new coping skills and have a strong continued action plan in place, it is still just the very first tiny step on a lifelong road of remaining sober.

I would rather use the word “healthy” he is not healthy and by you getting away from him that is a healthy choice for yourself.

You can’t date someone’s potential you have to date their reality.