Bekindalways

Heya Joel. I sent you a PM.

atalose

A couple things come to mind from my own experiences.

Someone posted this years ago and it stuck with me and also helped me to understand myself better and my situation…………………..when we know better we do better.


For me it took a awhile to get to the do better part but I did get there.

And lightbulb moments where what I didn’t/couldn't see or couldn’t understand before- becomes crystal clear.

That is when I said to myself…………so that’s what they all meant! Aha

Sticking with SR and al-anon is what truly helped me through my life altering experience of loving an A.

GoodguyJoel

littlesister...

I think I should address your question from yesterday. If looks were the only thing, then I would just move on to the next. Yes, she was a model, and she was gorgeous, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am not the type of person to select solely on beauty. I detailed this in a previous thread, because I was asked something similar. I will just say that although we had different walks of life, me in science, and her a model/real estate agent...we had so much in common otherwise. I cherished her kindness when she was sober, and loved her innate intuition about the big questions of life. We shared in every activity, and always enjoyed cooking, dancing, music, outdoors, the dog, etc.... (I could go on forever). I of course appreciated her beauty, and was quite attracted to her...but physical attraction was not the sole purpose. Period.

You asked if she was 25 lbs heavier...or had other "suggestive flaws." Well, she had plenty, and did shift that amount of weight over time, up and down. So, I never left her then...why would I care now, especially after all this drama.

One thing I have been reading more about lately aside from all the provided works people on here suggested (including codependent no more)...is about late stage alcoholism.

I had a revelation last night, and it came from information in my second thread, and the various responses. People suggested that she had been an alcoholic for a long time before me. The way that I didn't see this before is that because times were good between us...she didn't have a need to drink more than socially. When the stressors of life came to her full force again, I think it was triggered in her to respond as addicts do...to drink away the problems. Now, I could be wrong...but it seems like this latest hardcore bout with drinking over the past year or so could really be a relapse. The whole thing. I don't want to over simplify, but it came on so strong that it felt like one of the later in-detox-out-of-detox-and-drink-again's that I experienced with her...meaning the whole thing just escalated so quickly. It doesn't seem absurd to me that this may be true. Doesn't change anything, but it certainly changes my perspective on the situation.

GoodguyJoel

Hardlessons,

Are you asking about my puppy?

Trailmix,

It changes my perspective because initially I thought this all sprung up over my watch, I blamed myself so deeply for it. I blamed, and blamed, and blamed over and over, and felt so awful as though it was my fault...all of it. But I see that this was there before me...and if anything, I provided such a happy positive time, that she actually did remain sober for the longest period in her adult life. It was only when her failures occurred, that she was triggered and fell back into it. I mean I could be totally wrong...but it seems to make sense given what I have posted about how her other friends told me about it, that it existed before me. I guess I am happy knowing I can even provide someone that type of life that was good enough to have positive change for a long time...it was then her who couldn't handle the heat of her own making.

Littlesister,

I am trying hard to accept this...I suppose I am just not there still. I do hear the advice of others, and I haven't involved myself since she is back at rehab. I am trying to make the choice to take my thoughts off of it and work on my work. I have tiny glimpses in my mind that I do understand I am lucky I am avoiding this mess...but it is my nature to fight for what I believe in, and I did believe in us so deeply. So, I struggle with letting go...and that is where I had brought myself back into it all. But for two days...I have not. It doesn't feel wonderful, but then again, there is nothing I can do.

GoodguyJoel

Shiro (pup) is doing great! He actually has been a great help with all of what I am dealing with. Long walks, lots of play, and new tricks and training have been part of everyday. He was a sore spot for a while because we picked him out together, he was our protobaby. And she saw him the other week and he was just sooooo excited. So it can be tough, but I love the little guy. He’s so sweet. He’s a shiba Inu, so he’s got lots of spirit and plenty of energy! He’s truly a treasure to have in my life. She also missed him dearly, her choice...

Anyways, to end that on a positive note...he is just learning a new trick. Trying to learn the balance of the treat on the nose until I say ok! Then he can take it. He learns so quickly, unlike me :/

But he has all the best tricks. Sit, stand, spin around (both ways), high five, low five, lay down, roll over...etc. pretty amazing little guy.

Thanks for asking a positive thing about my life

amy55

I remember when I was feeling like you are feeling. I just wanted for both of us to come out and be OK and that we would be together. I had so much "hope". I was going to do whatever I could so that things would work out just right. I mean, How could I be wrong when there was going to be such a rosey ending?

Well, I was the only working there for that ending.

I remember the day, that I got up, (oh, how I hated to get up, it only meant another day of misery). Well, anyway, I did get up that day, and I did what I usually did. I sat in front of a TV that wasn't even on and I let my one track mind take over. What could I have done better? What didn't I do that I should have done? All these questions, but no answers.

There were no answers because I tried everything, I was trying to change a person. My life just held unto that "hope". I started to think, what was the "hope" for? Would things actually be better, would I ever trust him again? Would I even want to be physical with him again?

The answer was "No". I would never trust him again. Without the trust, how can you be physical (sex) with someone?

As I say there pondering these things, I saw where I was. I had spiraled down into the depth of the abyss. I was in the deepest depression that I could ever imagine.

Funny thing happened then. I saw the bottom, and I saw the thing that was holding me there. I had anchored myself to the bottom of the abyss. I unchained myself from that anchor.

I didn't feel better immediately. I saw a light. I let go of the "hope" that was dragging me down. I still sat in front of that TV that was not on that I was watching, but I began to finally see that I might be able to crawl out of the abyss that I put myself into.

This may sound crazy, and I am sorry for that.

See, sometimes in the midst of depression they tell you that you need to have "hope". For me I needed to let go of the "hope" that I had (changing someone) to see the "hope" that I could have for a future.

It's strange. I was always trying to "see" a future with my ex when I was married, but I never saw one. I saw arguments, and lots of drunken fights, lots of put downs. Now, I can actually see a future. I can imagine where I would like my life to be and where I want to go.

You'll find your way.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Ariesagain

Beautiful, Amy55...

amy55

Joel,

I'm going to leave you with this tonight. I listened to it often.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLTCXVyWDlQ

Just go down to the well, it's like going to h3ll.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Here for you

DontRemember

I didn't read the replies,Joel. I hope you checked out that site I pm'd you. You have lost yourself,my friend. The most important person in the world. You.

Again..Come on,man.

amy55

I meant, don't go down to the well, it's a lonely place to be. This song relates to a place that I was at. I was drowning in a well. It was the abyss. I had to let go of the anchor, (the hope).

Someone had thrown down a rope ladder, but I had to crawl out of the muck that I was in to reach that ladder. I finally reached out, and I found that first rung of the rope. I had to really pull myself up hard to get on that rope ladder, but I did it. I got out of that well.

You can also.
amy

DesertEyes

Due to continued harrasment against the OP I am locking this thread and removing posts that are not following SR rules against giving advice, or are offensive, or are out-of-control responses to being triggered, or are repetitions of previous answers.

Mike
Moderator, SR