bluegreenwater

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. The first year and a half we were young and I didnt notice the drinking problem. He used weed regularly though. Two years in I found out he was drinking vodka bottles and hiding them. Since then its been a regular struggle with him getting drunk and hiding it. It’s put us through hell.

He’s an awful drunk, hes in debt, he gets emotional. He manipulates me by telling me I make him feel like **** for not trusting him when he knows hes lying. He’s been saying he’ll get help but he wont/hasnt. Im the only one that knows. I feel like I have a huge burden and its ruined my 20s dealing w it.

I go through depression. Im so unhappy. But when he’s sober we’re so perfect and happy together. I dont know what to do? I’m in my late 20s now and I feel like Ive wasted my 20s if I leave. My family doesnt support me leaving. Im in a new city. Id be starting my life again and I feel so lost. I feel so stupid for giving him so many chances.

It doesnt feel fair. Hes such a great guy. Why cant I deal with it?

SparkleKitty

You can't deal with it because it's not healthy and deep down you know you deserve better than a part-time partner.

You aren't stupid. You're up against a monster than no one understands until they are faced with it themselves. Addiction aggressively protects itself, regardless of the collateral damage it deals to the alcoholic's relationships.

It sounds like your boyfriend does not acknowledge he has a problem. You, however, don't need his permission (or your family's) to have a problem with his drinking. You have come to the right place for support.

And you're right, it isn't fair. Addiction is an indiscriminate disaster. It's also a progressive condition, meaning -- things will get worse if left unacknowledged and untreated.

You, however, have contol over your own life and choices moving forward. You can keep waiting for him to change, or you can make changes for yourself. We are here to support you either way.

Ariesagain

Fast forward a decade. It will be this, but worse. And you will have wasted your 30s.

At some point, you save your own life, yes?

teatreeoil007

I know what it's like to have that feeling of waste...and it can bring on depression. Waste is like a type of loss, so there's grief to bear. You don't have to this alone, though. There are others who totally understand what you're going through. Good on you for reaching out here. Yeah, the word "wasted" is very fitting for being drunk, isn't it? So, I get the impression you've "had it" with him. I would too. You aren't married, so what is stopping you from breaking it off. I know he's a great guy sober, but he's also a drunk and that is part of who he is. As co-dependents, we have our own type of denial of the problem. We rationalize, make excuses for and on and on. You don't have to do this. Many hugs to you.

bluegreenwater

thank you for your replies. They mean so much to me!
I dont understand though. If he’s a great guy otherwise is it okay to have this be a flaw? I know no one is perfect and Im worried who ever else I meet will have another set of flaws that are equally awful.

SparkleKitty

As I said before, alcoholism is progressive: left untreated, it just gets worse. This could be the best he ever gets.

And even at his best, you are depressed, unhappy, and feel burdened. If that's even half the time now, it will be even more as time goes on.

Ariesagain

Except it isn’t “one” flaw. It will ultimately affect everything...your finances, his health, your health, your friendships, your family, your home, your car, your credit...alcoholism touches everything.

Please take some time to read the many, many other threads from people just like you who are another five, ten, twenty years down this sad road. That’s your future.

Sending you a hug.

teatreeoil007

Is it just a little "flaw", though? I'm thinking not. Drinking is a behavior. Getting drunk is a behavior. Behaviors indicate a person's character. You love him, yet don't love him drunk, right? This is the place many people come to with the addicts in their life. You don't have to make any definite decisions now, but feel free to explore this here in a place where people have been through it with their addicts and really know their stuff.

BAW81

BlueGreenWater - I am so sorry you are in this place, I am sure you will realize from this forum, you are not alone! I have been where you are and I have a few comments on your post which to be honest are very normal for where you are but I'm pointing them out in case you don't see:

1.) You say he's awful drunk and when he's sober it's perfect..My question to you is, is it perfect? Or is it closer to perfect than when he's drunk...I know that I idealized things because I wanted them to be a certain way.

2.) You mention your family doesn't support you leaving? Do they not support you leaving the relationship when there are obvious alcohol addiction issues?! This is concerning to me about your family support system but maybe I've read it wrong?

3.) You say "I feel like I've wasted my 20s." My advice as someone who wasted her late 20s and early 30s.....DON'T WASTE ANYMORE TIME! You are on this forum for a reason. You know something isn't right for you and in my opinion, the fact that you recognize something is wrong is actually GOOD! Your inner voice is yelling at you to listen. I hope you do.

Please read other posts and educate yourself. You have MANY more years ahead of you, I don't want YOU to waste any more time on a losing battle.

Be well! Please come back and ask questions and post and learn. You are NOT alone. You are very much surrounded by others who understand.

SmallButMighty

When I was in my late 20s I had been married to my exhusband for several years and we had two children. It was while I was pregnant with the second child at age 26 that I learned he was an "actual" alcoholic... it only continued to get worse. He was never physically abusive but he treated me the way you describe yourself being treated by your guy. That we keep their dirty little secret is a big part of what makes us sick ourselves.

By the time I was in my late 30s and had teenagers my mental and emotional health were in shambles, so was my marriage. Not only had my kids seen their father's alcoholism worsen, they'd witnessed and experienced their mother's ridiculous codependence. It wasn't just him setting a bad example, I'm guilty too.

It took me until 40 to realize I needed out, I'd given my entire youth (since I was 16) to this relationship and it was destroying me. NOTHING I did ever helped him get better. And believe me , I tried everything, driving myself insane while trying to do so.We did have love, but love was not enough. It took me another couple years to finish getting untangled from the sick twisted mess my marriage and my life had become.

You are still a young woman. You have a long life ahead of you. I hope you make wiser choices than I did. Please learn all you can about codependency. You can't determine his behavior, but you can control your own.

*hugs*

P.S. Please trust your instincts.. not your heart, not your head...your GUT

jada1981

What exactly makes him a great guy? I don't consider a guy who causes you to be stressed, depressed, and constantly anxious to be a great guy.

Those of us who are sick rationalize staying because even though life is not good, it's familiar and we have what we think is a partner. The thought of the unknown and being alone stops us from moving on. The strange thing is, once I left my AH, I realized I felt way more alone in my relationship than I did actually being single. The difference was that at least being single, I had peace and not constant chaos.

I was with my AH from the age of 22 to 34. I had two kids with him. My biggest regret now is that I didn't leave him sooner. I love my kids and don't regret having them, but rather wish I could have had them with someone who was healthy. I can honestly say my decision to stay with my AH had a negative effect on my experience as a mother. And I will never be able to get those years back with my kids.

Have you read any books? Codependent No More is a great place to start. Hugs.

dandylion

bluegreenwater.....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...I hope you will read through them...you will find a lot of answers, there.....There is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

BAW81

As others have posted, it isn't a flaw, it is a disease, a very progressive and chaotic, take prisoners disease.

I thought my STBXAH just drank too much on occasion when we were dating but there were warning signs (like you see now) that there was something darker lurking. I married him anyway, I was in my early 30s, "I loved him." His drinking got worse, he lost multiple jobs, his emotional abuse became more obvious, and on and on and on and on.

Now I'm 14 months into a divorce with a small child, fighting every day to keep my child safe from a father who refuses to admit his problem even after authorities and a Judge telling it to his face.

Sorry to lay all of this out there but I am sharing in hopes that you learn from my mistakes. I wish I found this forum 6,7,8,9 years ago.

atalose

I think the moment we begin to question if it is time to move on –it is.

Challenger2013

That needs to be put on a t-shirt.

BAW81

I'd buy it!

AlcSis

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ Yep! I too, agree!!

Bluegreen, good luck with your OWN decision(s).

Hopefully you will factor in the responses from the
F&F forum members who reply to you.

(From personal experience, I have received some VERY beneficial wisdom and suggestions from F&F Forum members).

They are speaking from personal experiences of life with an alcoholic or addict.

Be sure to check out the links dandylion gave you, and read posts made by others who arrived here before you. Knowledge is power!!

viola71

Only thing worse than wasting your twenties is wasting your 30’s and 40’s as well. That’s when the fun really starts, just a little something to think about. Best of luck

Berrybean

Funny how living with active alcoholics often causes depression!!

Or perhaps it's not 'depression'. It's a natural and healthy response to living with someone whose actions and attitude is inconsistent and is not in your best interests. Thing is, you can't change him. What you can change are your boundaries - and that's the same regardless of whether you stay with him or leave him.

Have you considered AlAnon or similar to help you cope with this situation?

BB

honeypig

Along those lines:



Bluegreen, there's been a lot of useful info and experience passed on in this thread. I wish you strength and clarity as you find your own path.