Is it time to move on?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I dont understand though. If he’s a great guy otherwise is it okay to have this be a flaw? I know no one is perfect and Im worried who ever else I meet will have another set of flaws that are equally awful.
This guy does not sound great. Maybe he's charming when sober but he's still a liar, manipulative and in debt.
Don't waste more time. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Take what you learned from this relationship and move on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
A "flaw", in my opinion, is something like habitually forgetting to record checks written in the check register, not putting the toilet seat down, or tracking mud into the kitchen b/c shoes are not taken off at the door.
A "flaw", in my opinion, is NOT physical, verbal, mental or emotional abuse. It is NOT dishonesty or cheating. It is NOT endangering others by driving drunk. It is NOT racking up debt due to an addiction.
Those behaviors go way beyond a mere "flaw", to my way of thinking, and if you'd be trading in the latter set of "flaws" for someone who tracks mud into your kitchen and leaves the seat up, it seems like a pretty good deal to me!
But, as others have said, only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't.
A "flaw", in my opinion, is NOT physical, verbal, mental or emotional abuse. It is NOT dishonesty or cheating. It is NOT endangering others by driving drunk. It is NOT racking up debt due to an addiction.
Those behaviors go way beyond a mere "flaw", to my way of thinking, and if you'd be trading in the latter set of "flaws" for someone who tracks mud into your kitchen and leaves the seat up, it seems like a pretty good deal to me!
But, as others have said, only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 37
Hi there bluegreenwater,
I'm sorry to hear you are at this realization about your BF. It sounds like it is already pretty bad in your relationship, which I can relate to very much, as can most people on this forum. As others have stated alcoholism is not a "flaw" it is a progressive and deadly disease. Unless he wants to stop AND will actively seek treatment it will only get worse from here. I think we all want to believe that our alcoholic/addict will change and it won't get THAT bad. We believe when they say they will change or they want to stop, but saying it and even wanting it is easier said than done. I have found that when he "wanted" to get sober it was just to keep me from leaving and then he would try to control it until I was willing to stick it out a little longer and then it was right back to how it had been.
When I was first learning about addiction and alcoholism I went to Al-Anon and read everything I could about it and even watched things like intervention. I would find myself saying to myself, he isn't THAT bad, he would never do THAT!, etc. and at the time it was true. The stories I would hear were so extreme that I could never imagine my fiance doing those things. I stuck it out 7 years of his off and on using (we were together 11 years) and it progressed to a horrifying level. He did not care at all about the pain he was inflicting on himself, on me, and on our relationship. Now sometimes I watch intervention and I am like, yep been there, or sometimes even, oh that isn't nearly as bad as him. !!
It is hard to imagine the stories you hear about or see on tv as real until you have actually lived through them. Maybe you are there already, but I wasn't when I first started reaching out for help, but I have now walked through that hell and am no longer with my ex.
I remember one of my first Al-Anon meetings that I had shared my story at and a woman came up to me after and said "I'm not supposed to say this to you, but RUN, get out of that relationship while you are still young (I was late 20's). My son was like your fiance and he died last year of his disease, his finace was completely destroyed by him and his addictions. You need to save yourself." I was kind of like, whoa crazy lady, he is nothing like that, it isn't that bad. Now I look back on that moment and think that woman was right on, she saw through my BS. I had to go through it for myself, but I have never forgotten her or what she said.
I am in no way telling you to leave (or stay) I think we all have to walk the path and will find our own way out. Since you are asking about it maybe you are ready, maybe what you read here on this site will help you to make that decision quicker than I was able to and you will save yourself a ton of pain, but nobody is going to judge you for not being there or never getting there. It is your life to live and none of us can tell you what is best for you.
The only advice I can give you is to educate yourself, learn about alcoholism, learn about co-dependency and learn how to take care of yourself while living with active alcoholism. Taking care of yourself will make a huge difference, but it isn't easy.
xoxo
I'm sorry to hear you are at this realization about your BF. It sounds like it is already pretty bad in your relationship, which I can relate to very much, as can most people on this forum. As others have stated alcoholism is not a "flaw" it is a progressive and deadly disease. Unless he wants to stop AND will actively seek treatment it will only get worse from here. I think we all want to believe that our alcoholic/addict will change and it won't get THAT bad. We believe when they say they will change or they want to stop, but saying it and even wanting it is easier said than done. I have found that when he "wanted" to get sober it was just to keep me from leaving and then he would try to control it until I was willing to stick it out a little longer and then it was right back to how it had been.
When I was first learning about addiction and alcoholism I went to Al-Anon and read everything I could about it and even watched things like intervention. I would find myself saying to myself, he isn't THAT bad, he would never do THAT!, etc. and at the time it was true. The stories I would hear were so extreme that I could never imagine my fiance doing those things. I stuck it out 7 years of his off and on using (we were together 11 years) and it progressed to a horrifying level. He did not care at all about the pain he was inflicting on himself, on me, and on our relationship. Now sometimes I watch intervention and I am like, yep been there, or sometimes even, oh that isn't nearly as bad as him. !!
It is hard to imagine the stories you hear about or see on tv as real until you have actually lived through them. Maybe you are there already, but I wasn't when I first started reaching out for help, but I have now walked through that hell and am no longer with my ex.
I remember one of my first Al-Anon meetings that I had shared my story at and a woman came up to me after and said "I'm not supposed to say this to you, but RUN, get out of that relationship while you are still young (I was late 20's). My son was like your fiance and he died last year of his disease, his finace was completely destroyed by him and his addictions. You need to save yourself." I was kind of like, whoa crazy lady, he is nothing like that, it isn't that bad. Now I look back on that moment and think that woman was right on, she saw through my BS. I had to go through it for myself, but I have never forgotten her or what she said.
I am in no way telling you to leave (or stay) I think we all have to walk the path and will find our own way out. Since you are asking about it maybe you are ready, maybe what you read here on this site will help you to make that decision quicker than I was able to and you will save yourself a ton of pain, but nobody is going to judge you for not being there or never getting there. It is your life to live and none of us can tell you what is best for you.
The only advice I can give you is to educate yourself, learn about alcoholism, learn about co-dependency and learn how to take care of yourself while living with active alcoholism. Taking care of yourself will make a huge difference, but it isn't easy.
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I am in a camp of “wasted 20’s and 30’s”
He is unable to cope with life now, if you add children, marriage woes, midlife crisis - it gets a lot worse. My story is atypical a bit as I married a recovering alcoholic - and have not seen him drink or use for 6 years. And then I did. If I knew back when I married him what active addiction is like, I would have never married him. Even sober, he was a dry drunk and there were all kinds of issues anyway.
Only you know what you can and cannot handle - but 30s is still very young. I am in my later 30s, and have a child with special needs, would much rather be alone then with an addict.
He is unable to cope with life now, if you add children, marriage woes, midlife crisis - it gets a lot worse. My story is atypical a bit as I married a recovering alcoholic - and have not seen him drink or use for 6 years. And then I did. If I knew back when I married him what active addiction is like, I would have never married him. Even sober, he was a dry drunk and there were all kinds of issues anyway.
Only you know what you can and cannot handle - but 30s is still very young. I am in my later 30s, and have a child with special needs, would much rather be alone then with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Except it isn’t “one” flaw. It will ultimately affect everything...your finances, his health, your health, your friendships, your family, your home, your car, your credit...alcoholism touches everything.
Please take some time to read the many, many other threads from people just like you who are another five, ten, twenty years down this sad road. That’s your future.
Sending you a hug.
Please take some time to read the many, many other threads from people just like you who are another five, ten, twenty years down this sad road. That’s your future.
Sending you a hug.
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