Blogs


Notices

We signed the papers last week

Old 11-12-2017, 06:51 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
We signed the papers last week

We finalized our papers last week and now just waiting for the judge to sign off. I was the one who wanted the divorce but now after signing I feel sad, which I did not feel that way going through the divorce. I guess I feel like I am now mourning the loss of my family which really sucks. I wish it could be different but I know if I gave him another chance it would not have worked as our whole relationship was him having issues with alcohol or drugs and me taking him back each time thinking he would change.

Please tell me this will get better, Initially I was so glad to get away from all the drama and I still don't want him back I just did not expect it to be this hard,
mum22cuties is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to mum22cuties For This Useful Post:
53500 (11-12-2017), atalose (11-12-2017), BeachPlease (11-19-2017), Bekindalways (11-12-2017), firebolt (11-16-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Hawkeye13 (11-12-2017), hopeful4 (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-12-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017), Soulful (11-12-2017)
Old 11-12-2017, 06:55 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,473
mum....Yes. I does get better. You are right, there is a period of natural mourning.....which you must go through...which is actually, a part, a stage, of the overall healing. Almost everyone talks about feeling sad at the time of the signing...but, it will pass in a couple of days. Totally normal and expected.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
53500 (11-12-2017), BeachPlease (11-19-2017), Bekindalways (11-12-2017), CentralOhioDad (11-13-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-12-2017), mum22cuties (11-12-2017), PuzzledHeart (11-12-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017), Soulful (11-12-2017), SparkleKitty (11-12-2017)
Old 11-12-2017, 06:58 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
mum....Yes. I does get better. You are right, there is a period of natural mourning.....which you must go through...which is actually, a part, a stage, of the overall healing. Almost everyone talks about feeling sad at the time of the signing...but, it will pass in a couple of days. Totally normal and expected.....
Thank you, I literally could not quit crying yesterday and I don't think I have cried during the entire divorce process. It just hit me hard as I expected to feel relieved and instead felt sadness.
mum22cuties is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to mum22cuties For This Useful Post:
53500 (11-12-2017), Bekindalways (11-12-2017), CentralOhioDad (11-13-2017), dandylion (11-12-2017), dejavuwife (11-13-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-12-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017)
Old 11-12-2017, 08:07 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 5,386
Crying is so totally normal at this stage that it is almost worrying if you weren't crying.

There will probably be some ups and downs over the next few months. Grieving for the lost dream of that marriage is completely healthy.

Be super-dooper, extra kind to your-self right now and welcome those tears they are washing you towards a better emotional place.
Bekindalways is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Bekindalways For This Useful Post:
53500 (11-12-2017), anodes7102 (11-14-2017), BeachPlease (11-19-2017), dandylion (11-12-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), mum22cuties (11-12-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017)
Old 11-12-2017, 08:54 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 686
It'll absolutely get better. 100% guaranteed to get better. It's very normal to be sad. Divorce is hurtful even when it's the right thing to do. When I did it I cried every day, too. Cried on my way to work, cried in the bathroom during work, cried on the way home, cried in meetings I went to for newly separated people.

It took time but it got much, much better.
53500 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to 53500 For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (11-19-2017), Bekindalways (11-20-2017), dandylion (11-12-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), mum22cuties (11-12-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017)
Old 11-12-2017, 09:11 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
I remember balancing on that fence for years and years, never knowing which side I would fall on, one day it was the go away side and weeks later it was the come here side. Making that final decision is sad, it’s also empowering and freeing. Sadness is normal, tears are normal, it’s grieving – finally once and for all.

It really does get better, time is a wonderful healer.
atalose is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
53500 (11-12-2017), anodes7102 (11-14-2017), BeachPlease (11-19-2017), Bekindalways (11-20-2017), dandylion (11-12-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), mum22cuties (11-12-2017), Overtheriver (11-19-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017), thousandwords53 (11-12-2017)
Old 11-12-2017, 05:57 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
He let the kids know today that he is moving halfway across the country in 2 weeks. He had let me know yesterday but I told him he needed to the let the kids know today. I think that is what is making hard for me as now I am going to be totally raising 2 kids on my own. With his issues he had before I did most of the work any ways but it still makes me sad for my kids. His dad abandoned him when he was a teen and I am afraid this is what he is doing as well. Co-parenting with him for the most part was going surprisingly well.

I had wanted to move before but was planning on stay here. No place far just 35 minutes away. I guess I don't need to worry about that anymore as I am sure I will be able to move.
mum22cuties is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to mum22cuties For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (11-20-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017)
Old 11-13-2017, 01:55 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,052
Hi Mum, you will feel better and I'm sure soon. A pity about him moving away for the children's sake. I can imagine what would be said if a woman made that decision.
Do you have any reservations about the kids visiting him?
FeelingGreat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to FeelingGreat For This Useful Post:
dandylion (11-13-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017)
Old 11-13-2017, 04:02 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,606
Blog Entries: 8
Hello mum,

I promise it does get better. I've been divorced, and even without children and active addiction involved, I cried for days when certain paperwork was signed. I think it's a normal reaction. I mean, I didn't get married to get divorced, right? It seemed like the most epic failure of my life.

But I took a lot of time to work on myself, my thought processes, and I came to a much better and happier place I know it can happen for you, too.

Sending light and prayers to you, your kiddos, and your ex for a better future!
Seren is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (11-19-2017), CentralOhioDad (11-13-2017), HardLessons (11-13-2017), hopeful4 (11-16-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), qtpi (11-19-2017)
Old 11-13-2017, 06:40 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hi Mum, you will feel better and I'm sure soon. A pity about him moving away for the children's sake. I can imagine what would be said if a woman made that decision.
Do you have any reservations about the kids visiting him?
Yes, he has supervised visitation so it will only happen if his mom takes them to visit. My kids are older, DD is a college student so she could actually visit by herself but we also have a 10 year old that would require someone to come with him.

I am having a hard time figuring out my emotions here. Us divorcing was the right thing to do as he is an alcoholic that has battled that our entire marriage. I left in July after it was apparent that he also had a drug addiction. I do believe he has stopped the drugs but I think in turn he is drinking more. I don't want him back so why am I having such a hard time??

I do think I am grieving the loss of my family. I was one that stayed for years because of the kids until the situation just became so bad I could not do it anymore. There was something that happened that was a total dealbreaker for me. This was something that I will not ever get over and it essentially is was what caused me to leave. Maybe I still have some unresolved issues towards that I don't know.
mum22cuties is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to mum22cuties For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (11-20-2017), dandylion (11-13-2017), hopeful4 (11-14-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017), Soulful (11-19-2017)
Old 11-13-2017, 10:22 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,473
mum.....you still have your grieving and mourning the loss, as you already know. What you may not k now is that it will take weeks to months for you to get your sea legs back....it will get better in increments....Grieving takes time....and you just have to soldier through it.....
I call it the short0term pain for the long-term gain......
I think the signing has made it all very real for you.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (11-19-2017), Bekindalways (11-20-2017), hopeful4 (11-14-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017), Soulful (11-19-2017)
Old 11-13-2017, 11:42 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
mum.....you still have your grieving and mourning the loss, as you already know. What you may not k now is that it will take weeks to months for you to get your sea legs back....it will get better in increments....Grieving takes time....and you just have to soldier through it.....
I call it the short0term pain for the long-term gain......
I think the signing has made it all very real for you.....
Thank you Dandylion. Funny you should say that because that is what I have been telling myself all along. I know I will get through it, just will take time.
mum22cuties is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to mum22cuties For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (11-20-2017), dandylion (11-14-2017), hopeful4 (11-14-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017)
Old 11-13-2017, 12:25 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
mum- I am so sorry you're hurting.

I'm currently going through a divorce and I cry a lot but I've realized it isn't for marriage/family life we had, I cry for the marriage/family life I envisioned that will never come to be. For me, I continue to mourn the disappointment of a dream that will forever be unfulfilled.
After I'm done crying so hard there is nothing left to cry - I do my very best to realize that if I stayed, my dream would have NEVER had the possibility to become a reality. I find comfort in my hope that by leaving, there is a possibility for me to find it with someone else.

Also - my STBXAH moved half way across the country already! It's not easy but we're strong and remember you're not alone.

Sending you lots of hugs and support!
BAW81 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to BAW81 For This Useful Post:
Ariesagain (11-15-2017), BeachPlease (11-19-2017), CentralOhioDad (11-14-2017), dandylion (11-13-2017), hopeful4 (11-14-2017), Hummer (11-14-2017), Mango blast (11-14-2017), qtpi (11-13-2017)
Old 11-14-2017, 02:49 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,052
Mum, my experience is that divorced or separated women especially, become part of friendship groups with other singles and can have rich fulfilling social lives. Nuclear family may be your ideal, but it's not the only sort around.
This will still be there for you as your children grow and leave the nest.
FeelingGreat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to FeelingGreat For This Useful Post:
BeachPlease (11-19-2017), CentralOhioDad (11-14-2017), dandylion (11-14-2017), Soulful (11-19-2017)
Old 11-14-2017, 03:04 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,473
FeelingGreat makes a good point.

(FeelinGreat understanding the Venus world...lol....)
dandylion is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
FeelingGreat (11-14-2017), hopeful4 (11-14-2017)
Old 11-15-2017, 07:30 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
After a couple of rough days I woke and felt fine. I have accepted the fact that I might be parenting my kids alone. I was not able to depend on him all the time when we were married so that much has not changed.

Regarding friendship groups and such, how do you go about making new friends? I have been quite isolated almost all of our marriage (17 years) and besides a few mom friends I do not have to many friends. I am active with volunteering for different activities for my kids but I don't really have a social life. Any ideas on how to reach out and make connections?
mum22cuties is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to mum22cuties For This Useful Post:
firebolt (11-16-2017), hopeful4 (11-16-2017), Mango blast (11-15-2017)
Old 11-16-2017, 01:51 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,052
Hi Mum, you could try activities clubs, a 'moving on' group which will be mainly women I guarantee. Do they have them in the US? For newly separated women. Bridge club. Classes, especially for something fun. Or Google it!
Once you start putting yourself out there, it tends to happen but the trick is forcing yourself the first few times.
FeelingGreat is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to FeelingGreat For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (11-16-2017)
Old 11-16-2017, 08:48 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
firebolt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
meetup.com is pretty great. When I moved out, I made a point of introducing myself to everyone in my new neighborhood that I ran in to and have made a few new friends that way. I also reached out to old friends on facebook and started chatting - it took some time, but now i have some more gal groups that I do things with again - the ones i kinda kept at arms length when i didn't want them all to know too much about my home life!
firebolt is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to firebolt For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (11-16-2017), qtpi (11-19-2017)
Old 11-16-2017, 09:54 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Hi mum - I went on a (blind) date a few months ago and during the beginning of conversation when I was asked what I liked to do....I was dumbfounded and also embarrassed that I had no immediate answer. I realized I had no real hobbies, just working and being a mom.

ANYWAY, it was the catalyst I needed to realize that I needed to figure out what I liked to do now. I used love going to concerts and running races years ago but life is different now....so after some thought I decided to sign up for group tennis lessons ( I used to play as a child), join a gym (for group classes), and re-engage with the church of my faith and join the mom's group.

It's still early stages but just putting myself out there for the sake of exploring is actually really nice. After putting my STBXAH's feelings/likes/dislikes/everything first for 9 years, I'm interested to re-engage and re-discover me. I know I'm not the same person I was 9 years ago and it's time I figure out who she is and what she wants and I'm hoping I might meet some new people along the way!

I hope this was helpful!
BAW81 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to BAW81 For This Useful Post:
CentralOhioDad (11-16-2017), firebolt (11-16-2017), hopeful4 (11-16-2017), qtpi (11-19-2017)
Old 11-19-2017, 08:44 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
After a couple of rough days I woke and felt fine. I have accepted the fact that I might be parenting my kids alone. I was not able to depend on him all the time when we were married so that much has not changed.

Regarding friendship groups and such, how do you go about making new friends? I have been quite isolated almost all of our marriage (17 years) and besides a few mom friends I do not have to many friends. I am active with volunteering for different activities for my kids but I don't really have a social life. Any ideas on how to reach out and make connections?
I suggest taking some time to remember what you really enjoy doing. Something that you could do for hours if you had the time. Once you remember what that is, then look for local groups who do that. You'll feel energized being around others who share that same interest and conversations will flow naturally.
BeachPlease is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to BeachPlease For This Useful Post:
qtpi (11-19-2017)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:17 PM.