Psychological abuse and gaslighting examples
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
if my husband fails, it's because of me.
I don't pray to Allah, but it hurt to hear this, considering her son stole from her and SHE blamed me for it. She thought that I did it.
I don't pray to Allah, but it hurt to hear this, considering her son stole from her and SHE blamed me for it. She thought that I did it.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
This thread has been healing for me ... I especially related to "death by a million paper cuts" I remember when I left my XAH, I told my family the truth about what my life was like and my family's response: "But he never hit you, right?"
Here are mine:
If you leave me, I will get full custody and you will never see your kids.
If you won't give me attention, there are plenty of other people waiting to give it to me. After posting pictures online with other women.
No one even likes you, all of my friends say you are a complete b*tch.
Your whole family is crazy, just like you.
You can have surgery after you have the baby to fix yourself.
If you worked out, I would be attracted to you.
If you would have had a boy, I would have helped with him. There isn't anything for me to do with a girl.
I just called my friend, and he said I wasn't that f-ed up at that bbq yesterday.
I already gave you the money for that bill, last week, you always are trying to take advantage of me.
My doctor knows how much I drink, it's good for my blood condition, you're just against any medication.
The only thing he ever said to me in our entire relationship that I believe to be true was the last time I spoke to him as we was telling me why I shouldn't leave him was he only "saves" the really hurtful things if he is saying something only "slightly" mean and I don't give him a reaction, he cuts deeper.
Thanks for letting me share. Been an odd release of the baggage.
Here are mine:
If you leave me, I will get full custody and you will never see your kids.
If you won't give me attention, there are plenty of other people waiting to give it to me. After posting pictures online with other women.
No one even likes you, all of my friends say you are a complete b*tch.
Your whole family is crazy, just like you.
You can have surgery after you have the baby to fix yourself.
If you worked out, I would be attracted to you.
If you would have had a boy, I would have helped with him. There isn't anything for me to do with a girl.
I just called my friend, and he said I wasn't that f-ed up at that bbq yesterday.
I already gave you the money for that bill, last week, you always are trying to take advantage of me.
My doctor knows how much I drink, it's good for my blood condition, you're just against any medication.
The only thing he ever said to me in our entire relationship that I believe to be true was the last time I spoke to him as we was telling me why I shouldn't leave him was he only "saves" the really hurtful things if he is saying something only "slightly" mean and I don't give him a reaction, he cuts deeper.
Thanks for letting me share. Been an odd release of the baggage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by Gm0824 
This thread has been healing for me ... I especially related to "death by a million paper cuts" I remember when I left my XAH, I told my family the truth about what my life was like and my family's response: "But he never hit you, right?"
Here are mine:
If you leave me, I will get full custody and you will never see your kids.
If you won't give me attention, there are plenty of other people waiting to give it to me. After posting pictures online with other women.
No one even likes you, all of my friends say you are a complete b*tch.
Your whole family is crazy, just like you.
You can have surgery after you have the baby to fix yourself.
If you worked out, I would be attracted to you.
If you would have had a boy, I would have helped with him. There isn't anything for me to do with a girl.
I just called my friend, and he said I wasn't that f-ed up at that bbq yesterday.
I already gave you the money for that bill, last week, you always are trying to take advantage of me.
My doctor knows how much I drink, it's good for my blood condition, you're just against any medication.
The only thing he ever said to me in our entire relationship that I believe to be true was the last time I spoke to him as we was telling me why I shouldn't leave him was he only "saves" the really hurtful things if he is saying something only "slightly" mean and I don't give him a reaction, he cuts deeper.
Thanks for letting me share. Been an odd release of the baggage.
Here are mine:
If you leave me, I will get full custody and you will never see your kids.
If you won't give me attention, there are plenty of other people waiting to give it to me. After posting pictures online with other women.
No one even likes you, all of my friends say you are a complete b*tch.
Your whole family is crazy, just like you.
You can have surgery after you have the baby to fix yourself.
If you worked out, I would be attracted to you.
If you would have had a boy, I would have helped with him. There isn't anything for me to do with a girl.
I just called my friend, and he said I wasn't that f-ed up at that bbq yesterday.
I already gave you the money for that bill, last week, you always are trying to take advantage of me.
My doctor knows how much I drink, it's good for my blood condition, you're just against any medication.
The only thing he ever said to me in our entire relationship that I believe to be true was the last time I spoke to him as we was telling me why I shouldn't leave him was he only "saves" the really hurtful things if he is saying something only "slightly" mean and I don't give him a reaction, he cuts deeper.
Thanks for letting me share. Been an odd release of the baggage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
It's easier for her to blame you than to think that she raised a son that could steal from his own mom.
This is the first time he bailed on me. He was supposed to drive me to the airport, he never came, he was binging on cocaine. He kept calling me and looking to apologize and then his mom started calling me back asking me to forgive him. This is 10 years ago.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Her own words: "You picked the son that has a heart, my other son is heartless, please forgive him".
That said, talk about throwing your children under a bus.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I will join
My all time favorites:
"Can you believe it, my step father just asked me as to why I am not marrying your sister - as she is much prettier! What a jerk!"(yes, you guessed it, was shared with me after our wedding reception. A red flag alright. I am not convinced his step father ever said that).
"You need to wear tighter pants/dresses/shorter skirts to work" (I chuckled last week when he was ranting about all the harrasment stuff that came out recently and how women need to be respected, I did not say anything - so proud of myself)
"If you had a better personality, you would have had an affair too". "I had an affair because your well paid career was emasculating me"
"My family thinks you are rude, you are completely unlikeable and intimidating, even your family does not like you"
"You don't have feelings, no one wants you, you will die alone" - still comes up once in a while especially when o ignore his overtures/calls. Narcissistic rage in its finest.
I shared the affair one with my therapist, she was shocked.
My all time favorites:
"Can you believe it, my step father just asked me as to why I am not marrying your sister - as she is much prettier! What a jerk!"(yes, you guessed it, was shared with me after our wedding reception. A red flag alright. I am not convinced his step father ever said that).
"You need to wear tighter pants/dresses/shorter skirts to work" (I chuckled last week when he was ranting about all the harrasment stuff that came out recently and how women need to be respected, I did not say anything - so proud of myself)
"If you had a better personality, you would have had an affair too". "I had an affair because your well paid career was emasculating me"
"My family thinks you are rude, you are completely unlikeable and intimidating, even your family does not like you"
"You don't have feelings, no one wants you, you will die alone" - still comes up once in a while especially when o ignore his overtures/calls. Narcissistic rage in its finest.
I shared the affair one with my therapist, she was shocked.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
I have one that truly burns a hole in my heart and kept me in this relationship for this long. So in Toronto, I have a license to purchase marijuana for my arthritis and I used to enjoy smoking it in the evening after my son went to bed to relax, especially when we used to argue or in winter when my body was hurting from the cold temperatures.
"Actually I am fixing a lot of my issues…. I have done my taxes and I actually am having a good month…. you have drug issues too… first thing you did was go see the clinic when you came to Toronto and smoke weed… I am not judging"
This created a big guilt in my heart, because I kept saying: who am I to judge him, I used to smoke a joint sometimes too.
"Actually I am fixing a lot of my issues…. I have done my taxes and I actually am having a good month…. you have drug issues too… first thing you did was go see the clinic when you came to Toronto and smoke weed… I am not judging"
This created a big guilt in my heart, because I kept saying: who am I to judge him, I used to smoke a joint sometimes too.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
"You need to lose weight. You need to get your sh*t together, or I'm leaving you. I have MY sh*t together."
Said while I was pregnant with my youngest. A pregnancy when, after he found out I was pregnant, he said that he needed to go do cocaine with his friend b/c he was so shocked and upset.
Apparently he had been sowing seeds of lies about me to his family and others, probably even working on getting his hooks into his affair girlfriend at that point by playing the victim game and saying that I wouldn't have sex with him. See, I had started working on myself, and I was starting to see reality. He didn't like that. He sensed a better enabler, and he ended up throwing away a 15 year marriage with 3 amazing children rather than face his own issues.
Said while I was pregnant with my youngest. A pregnancy when, after he found out I was pregnant, he said that he needed to go do cocaine with his friend b/c he was so shocked and upset.
Apparently he had been sowing seeds of lies about me to his family and others, probably even working on getting his hooks into his affair girlfriend at that point by playing the victim game and saying that I wouldn't have sex with him. See, I had started working on myself, and I was starting to see reality. He didn't like that. He sensed a better enabler, and he ended up throwing away a 15 year marriage with 3 amazing children rather than face his own issues.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Oh god, this happened to me too. When I started working on myself, he started complaining about me, telling lies, secretly chatting on his computer with god knows who, said he wasn't getting enough sex and therefore needed to drug himself, became violent, threw away 10 years together rather than face his own issues.
Originally Posted by TropicalWinter
Apparently he had been sowing seeds of lies about me to his family and others, probably even working on getting his hooks into his affair girlfriend at that point by playing the victim game and saying that I wouldn't have sex with him. See, I had started working on myself, and I was starting to see reality. He didn't like that. He sensed a better enabler, and he ended up throwing away a 15 year marriage with 3 amazing children rather than face his own issues.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Oh god, this happened to me too. When I started working on myself, he started complaining about me, telling lies, secretly chatting on his computer with god knows who, said he wasn't getting enough sex and therefore needed to drug himself, became violent, threw away 10 years together rather than face his own issues.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Ah, yes, my RAH has said almost all of these same things to me as well. It does make us crazy because their gas lighting becomes a normal daily thing. Until I get on SR and read threads like these! Hey, I'm not crazy after all! I've been recently told that "I have exaggerated the problems his alcoholism caused within our family," and "I need to quit controlling him." He also said that "if we ever get divorced it's just because I want to be with other men." Another good one, "He wouldn't drink so much if I made more money, and treated HIM better." And so on and so forth. Ridiculous. The way they have selective memory, twist the truth, and shift all the blame onto their spouse is mind boggling! The only way off this crazy train is to leave. But here we are. 14 years later....
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EXAH: If there is someone who I meet who can't get along with me, then they are the one with a problem.
Me: That sounds a little arrogant.
Him: Do I have any enemies?
Me: None that I know of.
Him: My point exactly....
Me: That sounds a little arrogant.
Him: Do I have any enemies?
Me: None that I know of.
Him: My point exactly....
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Ongoing torture
"Yourboundaries are false" (when I say I won't interact w him when he drinks; because I "exaggerate" what he's had
"You've been ****** up as long as I've known you"
Text-provokes me from 10 feet away; "Packing expired eggs in the kids' lunches?" "Well, princess, you are not a princess anymore. You have to work for a living and you are stuck with me." "You've been picking fights with me for several days -- supposedly sober. I think that you are constantly drunk with irrational emotions."
Condescending tone, mocking my speech and body language
"You've been ****** up as long as I've known you"
Text-provokes me from 10 feet away; "Packing expired eggs in the kids' lunches?" "Well, princess, you are not a princess anymore. You have to work for a living and you are stuck with me." "You've been picking fights with me for several days -- supposedly sober. I think that you are constantly drunk with irrational emotions."
Condescending tone, mocking my speech and body language
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
It baffles me how anyone can put up with such disdain. In my case, it finally got to a point where I had a creepy realization that if the apocalypse came, my guy would run off to where he was safe and just leave me wherever, and if I had supplies, he would take them for himself.
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Why
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
It baffles me how anyone can put up with such disdain. In my case, it finally got to a point where I had a creepy realization that if the apocalypse came, my guy would run off to where he was safe and just leave me wherever, and if I had supplies, he would take them for himself.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Actually, I take that back, because I also put up with it. Never again. Never ever ever. Very hard to co-parent with an addict. I'm sorry.
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Because of low self esteem and the fear of the unsupervised time with dad.
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Your example of what he said about your sister hit home! Wow! I’m kind of in shock right now. I always thought that maybe he was right or that I put her in front of him or something! But really he just doesn’t like me having an ally and I did put our marriage first. I gave it my all and he did not. Only recently have I begun to detach from him.
Thank you for helping me to see that I’m not “crazy”!
Thank you for helping me to see that I’m not “crazy”!
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Could have written this myself...I had a host of them;
"I cheated because I thought you were cheating" (this of course despite the fact that I was never cheating nor ever came close to it)
"I know you hate me. I will just leave you alone. I know what's coming and where you are heading with us"
"Your sister controls you. You are like her puppet. It's actually kind of pathetic"
"You don't know what problems are. You have no real problems. You are just a spoiled little rich girl who wanted to see what it was like to date a bad boy"
"I'll be ok. I'm always ok. Don't worry about me. ....it's how I always lived my life, don't trust and you won't get hurt" (nevermind the fact that he broke my trust over and over, not the other way around).
"You want to sleep with other men. You can't help it, it's who you are"
"I cheated because I thought you were cheating" (this of course despite the fact that I was never cheating nor ever came close to it)
"I know you hate me. I will just leave you alone. I know what's coming and where you are heading with us"
"Your sister controls you. You are like her puppet. It's actually kind of pathetic"
"You don't know what problems are. You have no real problems. You are just a spoiled little rich girl who wanted to see what it was like to date a bad boy"
"I'll be ok. I'm always ok. Don't worry about me. ....it's how I always lived my life, don't trust and you won't get hurt" (nevermind the fact that he broke my trust over and over, not the other way around).
"You want to sleep with other men. You can't help it, it's who you are"
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Once, when I told XAH that I thought he really needed to get some help, and that I would do anything I could to support that, he said to me "And what if I DO get better and then find out I don't like being here any more?" I did manage to say "well, then, you'd better find that out sooner rather than later, right?" before dissolving into tears. I still didn't take any real action for years after this, though...and of course HE didn't. Should I be grateful to him for being so dedicated to our marriage that he wouldn't rock the boat by getting help for his active alcoholism? 
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