Psychological abuse and gaslighting examples
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
I’ve read LOTS of things about how addicts manipulate those around them. Gaslighting is one of those I think.
I didn’t realize how much she was doing to me. During her first go round of inpatient rehab, I went to “Family Week” assuming I’d learn how to help her stay sober. When I found out it was to help me heal I got rather angry. There’s the understatement of the day!
I didn’t realize how much she was doing to me. During her first go round of inpatient rehab, I went to “Family Week” assuming I’d learn how to help her stay sober. When I found out it was to help me heal I got rather angry. There’s the understatement of the day!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Ex: I think you're seriously depressed right now.
Sasha: I don't think I'm that badly off.
Ex: You're so depressed you don't know how depressed you are. But I do.
Ex: It's really, really hard on me to be married to someone like you.
Sasha: What do you mean, someone like me?
Ex: I can't explain it. If you don't understand, I can't just spell it out for you.
Ex: [Insert other woman's name] is really attracted to me but we're just platonic friends.
Sasha: Why are you telling me this?
Ex: Because I want you to know you can trust me. But you're obviously just paranoid and suspicious, so I don't know why I even bother. It is SO hard to be married to someone like you!
... fast forward six months ...
Ex: Okay, I was having an affair with [insert other woman's name]. But I figured you knew about it and you were okay with it.
Sasha: What did I do or say that made you think I was okay with it?
Ex: I can't explain. It was like a feeling I had in my mind that you were okay with it.
Sasha: I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT!
Ex: Well, you should have made that more clear and not let me think that it was fine.
And of course the classic:
I wouldn't drink so much if you:
-didn't earn more than me
-wanted to have sex more
-respected me
-didn't walk so fast (seriously)
-didn't have so many friends who were lesbians (again, seriously)
-didn't try to talk to me about our deteriorating relationship
-left all my piles of stuff exactly where I put them
... and on and on ...
Sasha: I don't think I'm that badly off.
Ex: You're so depressed you don't know how depressed you are. But I do.
Ex: It's really, really hard on me to be married to someone like you.
Sasha: What do you mean, someone like me?
Ex: I can't explain it. If you don't understand, I can't just spell it out for you.
Ex: [Insert other woman's name] is really attracted to me but we're just platonic friends.
Sasha: Why are you telling me this?
Ex: Because I want you to know you can trust me. But you're obviously just paranoid and suspicious, so I don't know why I even bother. It is SO hard to be married to someone like you!
... fast forward six months ...
Ex: Okay, I was having an affair with [insert other woman's name]. But I figured you knew about it and you were okay with it.
Sasha: What did I do or say that made you think I was okay with it?
Ex: I can't explain. It was like a feeling I had in my mind that you were okay with it.
Sasha: I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT!
Ex: Well, you should have made that more clear and not let me think that it was fine.
And of course the classic:
I wouldn't drink so much if you:
-didn't earn more than me
-wanted to have sex more
-respected me
-didn't walk so fast (seriously)
-didn't have so many friends who were lesbians (again, seriously)
-didn't try to talk to me about our deteriorating relationship
-left all my piles of stuff exactly where I put them
... and on and on ...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
Soulful, it would have been awful if
1) if my husband had said it. It was my sister.
2) if I hadn't run a marathon a couple weeks before.
1) if my husband had said it. It was my sister.
2) if I hadn't run a marathon a couple weeks before.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Your "classic" list is really classic. I've heard those excuses before except, walking too fast.
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Ex: I think you're seriously depressed right now.
Sasha: I don't think I'm that badly off.
Ex: You're so depressed you don't know how depressed you are. But I do.
Ex: It's really, really hard on me to be married to someone like you.
Sasha: What do you mean, someone like me?
Ex: I can't explain it. If you don't understand, I can't just spell it out for you.
Ex: [Insert other woman's name] is really attracted to me but we're just platonic friends.
Sasha: Why are you telling me this?
Ex: Because I want you to know you can trust me. But you're obviously just paranoid and suspicious, so I don't know why I even bother. It is SO hard to be married to someone like you!
... fast forward six months ...
Ex: Okay, I was having an affair with [insert other woman's name]. But I figured you knew about it and you were okay with it.
Sasha: What did I do or say that made you think I was okay with it?
Ex: I can't explain. It was like a feeling I had in my mind that you were okay with it.
Sasha: I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT!
Ex: Well, you should have made that more clear and not let me think that it was fine.
And of course the classic:
I wouldn't drink so much if you:
-didn't earn more than me
-wanted to have sex more
-respected me
-didn't walk so fast (seriously)
-didn't have so many friends who were lesbians (again, seriously)
-didn't try to talk to me about our deteriorating relationship
-left all my piles of stuff exactly where I put them
... and on and on ...
Sasha: I don't think I'm that badly off.
Ex: You're so depressed you don't know how depressed you are. But I do.
Ex: It's really, really hard on me to be married to someone like you.
Sasha: What do you mean, someone like me?
Ex: I can't explain it. If you don't understand, I can't just spell it out for you.
Ex: [Insert other woman's name] is really attracted to me but we're just platonic friends.
Sasha: Why are you telling me this?
Ex: Because I want you to know you can trust me. But you're obviously just paranoid and suspicious, so I don't know why I even bother. It is SO hard to be married to someone like you!
... fast forward six months ...
Ex: Okay, I was having an affair with [insert other woman's name]. But I figured you knew about it and you were okay with it.
Sasha: What did I do or say that made you think I was okay with it?
Ex: I can't explain. It was like a feeling I had in my mind that you were okay with it.
Sasha: I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT!
Ex: Well, you should have made that more clear and not let me think that it was fine.
And of course the classic:
I wouldn't drink so much if you:
-didn't earn more than me
-wanted to have sex more
-respected me
-didn't walk so fast (seriously)
-didn't have so many friends who were lesbians (again, seriously)
-didn't try to talk to me about our deteriorating relationship
-left all my piles of stuff exactly where I put them
... and on and on ...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
The most bizarre thing my first husband ever said was.....
"You need to learn to be more b@tchy!"
"I consider your mother to be a perfect wife. I wish you were more like her"
I, honestly, have never heard any man utter those words.....
"You need to learn to be more b@tchy!"
"I consider your mother to be a perfect wife. I wish you were more like her"
I, honestly, have never heard any man utter those words.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sylvie....there is one method to achieve what you are talking about.... a simple directive that we could live by...and, it comes in a saying that is older than dirt...
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".......
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".......
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
Just wow to this whole thread! I came from a very verbally and sometimes physically abusive home I was very unprepared for the passive aggressive monster I lived with.
"Why are you always so angry"- after expressing any opinion that differed btw not in anger
"Why can't you be happy I do all of these things for you....." - I'm a pretty happy person I'm not manic about it but pretty satisfied with my life
The thing that drove me the craziest is that my AH would try and insert himself into my successes he just couldn't be proud or happy for me and always looked for a way to take credit for things I did fully on my own. This became especially true toward the end when I was living my own life pretty separate from him even though we lived in the same house.
"Why are you always so angry"- after expressing any opinion that differed btw not in anger
"Why can't you be happy I do all of these things for you....." - I'm a pretty happy person I'm not manic about it but pretty satisfied with my life
The thing that drove me the craziest is that my AH would try and insert himself into my successes he just couldn't be proud or happy for me and always looked for a way to take credit for things I did fully on my own. This became especially true toward the end when I was living my own life pretty separate from him even though we lived in the same house.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Sylvie, banter is so tricky. My husband and I tease each other all the time, but there's no malice in it. And it's usually about personality quirks, like raisins and toothpaste (don't ask), never about personality flaws.
IMHO, banter is a subtle art, but if you expect an addict to banter that's like asking an elephant to paint the Mona Lisa. It's just not going to happen and you're going to get whacked.
IMHO, banter is a subtle art, but if you expect an addict to banter that's like asking an elephant to paint the Mona Lisa. It's just not going to happen and you're going to get whacked.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I got the "I think you would be the perfect mother, but you don't realize that you're very controlling, if we had children I would worry that you would be controlling of them. You would be difficult if they took drugs because you are ignorant about drugs." He said this when I suggested that he keep a record of his expenses.
The reason why I suggested he keep a record of his expenses was the usual reason: he spent all his money on drugs. If I had known more about addiction back then, I would have realized that my suggestion was ludicrous.
Also...
Me: You miss a lot of deadlines, maybe you should write those things down in a diary?
Him: I think you'd make a good mother, except you're very controlling and that's a huge red flag for me because that's just like my mother. If she wasn't so controlling, her husband wouldn't be violent.
Me: You know it's not her fault that he is violent, right?
Him: See, this is what people don't understand about domestic violence. It's never one person's fault, both parties are wrong. She always initiated the fights.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: She's crazy and she attacks people. She's illogical.
Me: And you're comparing ME to her? [Pause]. I think you need a diary for your deadlines --
Him: Stop changing the topic... this is just like my mother always changing the topic.
Etc... .
The reason why I suggested he keep a record of his expenses was the usual reason: he spent all his money on drugs. If I had known more about addiction back then, I would have realized that my suggestion was ludicrous.
Also...
Me: You miss a lot of deadlines, maybe you should write those things down in a diary?
Him: I think you'd make a good mother, except you're very controlling and that's a huge red flag for me because that's just like my mother. If she wasn't so controlling, her husband wouldn't be violent.
Me: You know it's not her fault that he is violent, right?
Him: See, this is what people don't understand about domestic violence. It's never one person's fault, both parties are wrong. She always initiated the fights.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: She's crazy and she attacks people. She's illogical.
Me: And you're comparing ME to her? [Pause]. I think you need a diary for your deadlines --
Him: Stop changing the topic... this is just like my mother always changing the topic.
Etc... .
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Yeah, for some reason, if I ever had an opinion that differed in anyway... or even if I was making a statement like: "I like this or that", my family would see it as some kind of challenge and try to tear it down. "Oh you like this or that, that's inadequate because...".
I think we carry a lot of our families with us into our relationships. If we don't manage our issues, it can cause problems. I was so used to taking the blame for everything, that in my relationship with STBXAH, I self-blamed for his dysfunctional choices.
I think we carry a lot of our families with us into our relationships. If we don't manage our issues, it can cause problems. I was so used to taking the blame for everything, that in my relationship with STBXAH, I self-blamed for his dysfunctional choices.
Originally Posted by viola71
Just wow to this whole thread! I came from a very verbally and sometimes physically abusive home I was very unprepared for the passive aggressive monster I lived with.
"Why are you always so angry"- after expressing any opinion that differed btw not in anger
"Why can't you be happy I do all of these things for you....." - I'm a pretty happy person I'm not manic about it but pretty satisfied with my life
The thing that drove me the craziest is that my AH would try and insert himself into my successes he just couldn't be proud or happy for me and always looked for a way to take credit for things I did fully on my own. This became especially true toward the end when I was living my own life pretty separate from him even though we lived in the same house.
"Why are you always so angry"- after expressing any opinion that differed btw not in anger
"Why can't you be happy I do all of these things for you....." - I'm a pretty happy person I'm not manic about it but pretty satisfied with my life
The thing that drove me the craziest is that my AH would try and insert himself into my successes he just couldn't be proud or happy for me and always looked for a way to take credit for things I did fully on my own. This became especially true toward the end when I was living my own life pretty separate from him even though we lived in the same house.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I used to get: "You're not right. You think you have to be right. Do you even hear what you are saying? How would you feel if someone said that to you?" That was his response to me telling him that I knew he was trying to gaslight me.
So many different ways for them to say that they are right.
So many different ways for them to say that they are right.
Originally Posted by hearthealth
"Aren't you tired of always being wrong." If you flip that around, "I'm always right."
My husband also talks about me walking away during arguments.
My husband also talks about me walking away during arguments.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
So my experience with gaslighting was a little different. My AH used to really mess with my sense of reality. Like turning on and off lights and saying it wasn't happening, saying there was vodka in the bottle and me believing him even though I just took a swig and knew it was water. He could have told me that the sky was purple and I would have believed him. It's so strange to me that my mind was so fragile that it allowed me to believe things that weren't reality.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I got the "I think you would be the perfect mother, but you don't realize that you're very controlling, if we had children I would worry that you would be controlling of them. You would be difficult if they took drugs because you are ignorant about drugs." He said this when I suggested that he keep a record of his expenses.
The reason why I suggested he keep a record of his expenses was the usual reason: he spent all his money on drugs. If I had known more about addiction back then, I would have realized that my suggestion was ludicrous.
The reason why I suggested he keep a record of his expenses was the usual reason: he spent all his money on drugs. If I had known more about addiction back then, I would have realized that my suggestion was ludicrous.
I said the exact same thing to him re finances. He has not paid taxes in 10 years and the government started calling my # looking for him. I had no idea how bad his situation was until we tried to buy a home and they did a credit check on us. Mine was perfect. His was the worst that could ever be and because at that time, I wasn't making enough to get the mortgage we needed for that home, we lost the home. It broke my heart. I was pregnant and I wanted to start a family.
The collection agency have been calling his parents, but his mother is the biggest enabler there is and she somehow got them off her back. Then they started calling me non stop... then my family's home, you can imagine the embarrassment. They were very mad at this whole thing. They are STILL calling me to this day.
He said he hired some company to handle his bankruptcy, he decided to declare bankruptcy. I suggested to setup a budget and pay the debt off and not go so drastic and his response? "I know I can hire someone to do some tricks and if I declare bankruptcy, I don' t have to pay the other debts off, including the school loan." In Canada, you can discharge all loans if you declare bankruptcy, but the whole process takes a long time and might take up to 10 years to have a clean slate.
This was more than 2 years ago. I would gently ask him for an update on it (since he can't buy home, car, etc) He would say, oh they are still working on it. I would say, have you written it down as a reminder just to call them for an update? He would tell me to stop nagging him.
He is very bad with money. He constantly buys things we don't need and he has no control over his spending AT all. He has stolen from my account (when it was joint), he has stolen jewelry from his parents. He has pawned our wedding ring to buy cocaine.
I just... this is making me so mad writing this.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Oh my god... whaaat? Lol. He's something else.
Originally Posted by rae145
My ex actually said this
Every woman in the damn country cooks breakfast for their husband except you and your sisters
Every woman in the damn country cooks breakfast for their husband except you and your sisters
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I spent my time with him trying to "kill him with kindness". I just thought, if I'm nice enough, he'll stop being depressed and get his act together. I was a fool. Now I wish I had just said: Will you please GROW the f*** UP ALREADY you freaking CHILD! Unfortunately I never said anything that mean. What adult doesn't pay their taxes in 10 years? Good grief. The thing that bugged me most (apart from the lack of sleep and having an ambulance on speed dial) is having to constantly pay off their debts, constantly loan them money, constantly make appointments for them and reschedule appointments for them. Once I even had to contact his work to say that he was in hospital because he was "unwell". Of course that didn't stop him from losing his job. What a mess.
Originally Posted by Soulful
My AH loses and forgets everything. He loses his bank card probably every other month. His phone. Forgets items. Forgets to do things.
I said the exact same thing to him re finances. He has not paid taxes in 10 years and the government started calling my # looking for him. I had no idea how bad his situation was until we tried to buy a home and they did a credit check on us. Mine was perfect. His was the worst that could ever be and because at that time, I wasn't making enough to get the mortgage we needed for that home, we lost the home. It broke my heart. I was pregnant and I wanted to start a family.
The collection agency have been calling his parents, but his mother is the biggest enabler there is and she somehow got them off her back. Then they started calling me non stop... then my family's home, you can imagine the embarrassment. They were very mad at this whole thing. They are STILL calling me to this day.
He said he hired some company to handle his bankruptcy, he decided to declare bankruptcy. I suggested to setup a budget and pay the debt off and not go so drastic and his response? "I know I can hire someone to do some tricks and if I declare bankruptcy, I don' t have to pay the other debts off, including the school loan." In Canada, you can discharge all loans if you declare bankruptcy, but the whole process takes a long time and might take up to 10 years to have a clean slate.
This was more than 2 years ago. I would gently ask him for an update on it (since he can't buy home, car, etc) He would say, oh they are still working on it. I would say, have you written it down as a reminder just to call them for an update? He would tell me to stop nagging him.
He is very bad with money. He constantly buys things we don't need and he has no control over his spending AT all. He has stolen from my account (when it was joint), he has stolen jewelry from his parents. He has pawned our wedding ring to buy cocaine.
I just... this is making me so mad writing this.
I said the exact same thing to him re finances. He has not paid taxes in 10 years and the government started calling my # looking for him. I had no idea how bad his situation was until we tried to buy a home and they did a credit check on us. Mine was perfect. His was the worst that could ever be and because at that time, I wasn't making enough to get the mortgage we needed for that home, we lost the home. It broke my heart. I was pregnant and I wanted to start a family.
The collection agency have been calling his parents, but his mother is the biggest enabler there is and she somehow got them off her back. Then they started calling me non stop... then my family's home, you can imagine the embarrassment. They were very mad at this whole thing. They are STILL calling me to this day.
He said he hired some company to handle his bankruptcy, he decided to declare bankruptcy. I suggested to setup a budget and pay the debt off and not go so drastic and his response? "I know I can hire someone to do some tricks and if I declare bankruptcy, I don' t have to pay the other debts off, including the school loan." In Canada, you can discharge all loans if you declare bankruptcy, but the whole process takes a long time and might take up to 10 years to have a clean slate.
This was more than 2 years ago. I would gently ask him for an update on it (since he can't buy home, car, etc) He would say, oh they are still working on it. I would say, have you written it down as a reminder just to call them for an update? He would tell me to stop nagging him.
He is very bad with money. He constantly buys things we don't need and he has no control over his spending AT all. He has stolen from my account (when it was joint), he has stolen jewelry from his parents. He has pawned our wedding ring to buy cocaine.
I just... this is making me so mad writing this.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He is very bad with money. He constantly buys things we don't need and he has no control over his spending AT all. He has stolen from my account (when it was joint), he has stolen jewelry from his parents. He has pawned our wedding ring to buy cocaine.
I just... this is making me so mad writing this.
I just... this is making me so mad writing this.
My sister is really bad with money too. So much so that her children now live with my parents. And yet she got plastic surgery this year because she deserved it.
In one of my father's more twisted enabling episodes, he wanted me to sell my car to him so he could give it to my sister and then he could buy me another used car. He didn't want to feel guilty about buying her a new car without getting me a new car, but I told him that we were fine with the car that we had. Did this paragraph make sense to you? Then you would definitely be one step ahead of me.
I worry that she will turn to her daughters as she gets older because she doesn't have any money saved for retirement, and they will feel obligated to shelter her even though she didn't do the same for them. Well, I suppose that's out of my control too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Oh my goodness, what a mess. I kind of makes sense to me, but not on a logical way. My AH's mother is very religious (muslim) and told me that as a wife, it's my duty to pray to Allah and if my husband fails, it's because of me.
I don't pray to Allah, but it hurt to hear this, considering her son stole from her and SHE blamed me for it. She thought that I did it.
I don't pray to Allah, but it hurt to hear this, considering her son stole from her and SHE blamed me for it. She thought that I did it.
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