Soulful

So I spent a lot of time going through many of the conversations I had with my AH and I wanted to post some examples of QUACK QUACK QUACK, or gaslighting with hopes that may help others in here recognize this type of communication. We have not spoken face to face in years, we live together but we cannot communicate with one another, we just email each other.

I am numb about him and angry at myself. How can I not see it? How can I allow this to happen for YEARS? How can I take him back over and over? How can I do this to our son? I am so angry at myself.

"Hey we totally got to remain friends …. we have a child that we love and he needs that if you don't be together"

"Since we have a child I would hope you would be more professional"

"I am not a bad person… and if **** didn't work out and you want out fine… I will be gone… just be mature for our kid"

"really I didn't cheat on you or do cocaine or anything but if you don't want to be with me then I understand"

"Let's be civil and not angry people…. I just want to be happy.. I get it you want to be other people, etc and I am not standing in your way if you want to be with some Canadian, American or Mexican, etc"

"This is hard for me as well because I love you…. I am not a bad person and I work hard everyday"

"I promise I don't do cocaine, I am just spending time with friends, you are not allowing me to have any friends?"

"You crushed my heart as well…. because you decided not to work with me and the slightest thing would upset you so much… I know you like being in control… but that’s not right either I have feelings too and I am only human"

"Let's love each other and make things better"

"We have a good thing and if you want to make a miracle we need to forgive and forget and let go"

"I know you like to be in control and be bossy at times and I lash out because of that… we just got to respect each other and love each other and just be supportive"

honeypig

Soulful, my XAH accused me of "rushing to divorce" and "not giving him a chance." Now, as far as how long it was from my first knowledge of the drinking problem to the date of the divorce--I believe it's in the neighborhood of 6 years, maybe more. I used to have the number of years on the tip of my tongue but don't any more b/c it simply doesn't matter.

Reality as viewed through the lens of active alcoholism is not one bit like the reality that other people see, at least as far as I can tell.

OpheliaKatz

Wow. Soulful, were you my husband's secret other wife? Because all those quacks sound like him when we were having a disagreement on a good day. Disagreements that left me in tears were so much more insulting... but that's not a quack, is it? That's just really blatant abuse. Thanks for posting this. Guy sounds like a manipulative grade A jerk. I got slightly triggered by reading the quotes.

Soulful

It's time to deflate all these elephants, one by one

I wanted to post this, because I wanted to:

read them myself over and over
help others find a similar story in the abuse I accepted for so long

No more.

thousandwords53

I was reading your "quotes" and thinking..so? Isn't that normal ? (Lol)
I am able to recognize OBVIOUS abusive verbiage but I really had to think about this one. Thank you! So much inner work to do.

Smarie78

Could have written this myself...I had a host of them;

"I cheated because I thought you were cheating" (this of course despite the fact that I was never cheating nor ever came close to it)

"I know you hate me. I will just leave you alone. I know what's coming and where you are heading with us"

"Your sister controls you. You are like her puppet. It's actually kind of pathetic"

"You don't know what problems are. You have no real problems. You are just a spoiled little rich girl who wanted to see what it was like to date a bad boy"

"I'll be ok. I'm always ok. Don't worry about me. ....it's how I always lived my life, don't trust and you won't get hurt" (nevermind the fact that he broke my trust over and over, not the other way around).

"You want to sleep with other men. You can't help it, it's who you are"

thousandwords53

"This is why we never resolve issues, you always walk away"
"You don't talk to anyone, everyone has been worried about you"
"I guess I kept picking you apart because I felt insecure about your passion and I don't want to look like a loser next to you"
"I told you I was going to drink again and I did! It was only 4 beers!"



Do these count? Or are these just in the annoying category lol

dandylion

thousandwords...I see it as like death by a million little paper cuts.....
All designed to be critical and deflect blame onto you (on a very passive aggressive kind of way).....

thousandwords53

well then, winner winner chicken dinner lol. I seriously did not even consider this abusive, not until I read the original post..these are just a few of the "gems" I heard while we "talked" about the divorce news this past weekend. I thought we were hashing things out....Oy. I have much learning to do still. I'll be here on this forum...FOREVER.

dandylion

I think that passive aggressive people can make you feel crazy....because it is so indirect and sleuthful. Sneaky.
A very skillful passive aggressive is very dangerous, because you don't know you have been stabbed until you find a knife...much later....stuck in your back...lol.....

Did I just win a chicken dinner?!? (I've never won anything before!)

Soulful

You know what's even worse? When they say these things and thinking it's ok to say them, that they are warranted and most importantly, that they have no idea when they are saying it's actually psychological abuse.

"You are the one with the past, stop being angry all the time, how come I never get angry at you, I didn't cause all your issues from the past."

this one is the knife that he knows to use and hurt me. Actually writing this triggers a lot of pain in me right now.

PuzzledHeart

Oh I'll add one - "If you keep sitting on the sofa like that, you're going to end up morbidly obese. Oh, I was only joking."

Soulful

Wow OMG! That's awful.

PuzzledHeart

Soulful, it would have been awful if

1) if my husband had said it. It was my sister.
2) if I hadn't run a marathon a couple weeks before.

dandylion

Soulful....I want to point out that yes, he knew that his statement to you was hurtful. It was MEANT to hurt....He was saying that to make himself feel better by HURTING you.

Why and how? Because he knows at a gut level that you can't/wont defend yourself...that you have weak boundaries to protect yourself. He knows a gut l evel that your self esteem is sagging.
And, above all....the root of all abuse...he feel that h e has a natural entitlement and right to do so......

Nola0250

Ok I'll play. How bout these gems:

"you know, you're very offputting. Not a lot of people will tolerate you, but I actually like it that you're demanding."

"I knew about your baggage before I married you, and I married you anyway."

Soulful

Oh yes, so many times I heard those too.

Soulful

I have weak boundaries to defend myself. I need to sit with this one for a while, because you are absolutely right here. That's EXACTLY the problem.

dandylion

I can remember my grandmother reciting this to me....

Proverbs 140: 3
"They make their tongues sharp as a serpent's. and under their l ips is the venom of asps."

PuzzledHeart

I'll add one more (different person - ExFiance)

"You're not smart enough to realize I kissed another woman last week."

And then he smiled.

And no, he was not joking. And yet I stayed with him for another two years.