leadingpie

I'm sorry about spelling and grammar, english is my second language.

I'm new here, and I'm reading the threads I don't know why exactly. Maybe I'm looking for some peace of mind or to further my guilt maybe. I don't know, I only know I'm hurting very much.

I was with my now ex fiancé for 4 years. When I met him he was out of rehab for alcohol and cocaine and was doing well. We had a very troubled relationship since the beginning. Soon he started drinking, and I didn't recognize this as being an acoholic; I thought he drank like most guys do.

My head is not so well right now but throughout the relationship many episodes of crazy drinking and snorting happened. I followed him many times so I didn't want to be alone - we were living together in his city and I didn't have any friends in there - and once i snorted cocaine too. I didn't like it, I don't like drinking either so to me was very easy to just cut when I thought things were too much. I don't drink since 2014, nothing, not even a beer all this time. He relapsed so many times.

We were on and off all this time. He disappeared before our wedding date and we had to set another one for 3 times. He essentially left me 3x. He disappeared for a month, two, three. Then he came back asking for forgiveness and to give him another chance.

Last august we reconnected and set again another wedding date (february next). Last month he vanished again and yesterday came back, Huge fight, i'm not proud of picking a fight at all but I have so much baggage over my shoulders I couldn't control. No violence involved of course, just verbal accusations from both sides.

I left. I was so tired, I am still tired. I feel my body aching like I got a millions punches everywhere. I couldn't sleep or eat still today. I can't even cry, I tried because my chest is so full but I just can't.

He admitted he was drinking and doing cocaine all this time he was gone. And the money we needed to set the wedding was gone too. This time he came with this attitude of take it or leave it, and claimed God was on his side because he was being "honest" in not hiding.

After I left he stormed my phone with messages. I didn't answer or read. I was feeling like I could jump of a bridge and be done with all of this. I felt and I'm still feeling life doesn't matter anymore.

This morning he went nuts and stormed my phone again with messages. Saying I don't deserve a good guy like him, I deserve a cheater. I should be glad he was honest, I was worth nothing. And I somehow believe him. Maybe if I stayed and helped him it would prove my love was real but I have no strenght! NONE.

I'm feeling SO BAD I can't describe. I feel like a billion rocks are over me, and I feel like I will never be happy again. I feel like this bad woman, this person that is so worthless a gram of cocaine values more than my own life.

I wanted to vent because I don't like to show weakness to RL friends. But this is almost bursting inside my chest, I want to be the person I was before.

Thank you so much for reading. I don't know what to do next.

Ariesagain

Save yourself. End the relationship and block him.

You are NOT a bad person. You are a kind, forgiving person who been exploited and brainwashed by an addict.

Unless you are tying him down and forcing drugs into his body, NOTHING YOU DO “makes” him use drugs. You’re an excuse.

Conversely, NOTHING YOU DO will stop him from using drugs. Nothing.

Do not marry him (really? He disappeared three times and you still scheduled another wedding?). Only more pain...emotional, physical, mental, financial...lies down that road.

I hope you’ll stay and do some reading here and you’ll see how common this is. I hope you’ll find some comfort and strength in that.

Sending you a hug.

leadingpie

I did. First time was April/2015, second time last May and now. Nobody believes me when I tell. I don't know why I allowed these things to happen, when I was a child this was one of my worst nightmares.

I appreciated writing this and your words so much because I finally could cry. I needed this.

I will read more and wait for better days. Thank you so much. I truly thank you.

Ariesagain

Sending you another hug.

Please don’t let his words affect you or change your mind. At this point in the progression of his addiction, you are only a means to an end and he doesn’t love YOU the person, he “loves” you as an enabler...a source of money, housing and sex and emotional punching bag.

His words mean nothing. His actions tell the real story.

You don’t have to waste anymore of your life on his problem.

dandylion

Leadingpie....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles about alcoholism/addiction, and the effects on the loved ones.
I hope you will take time to read through them....there is sooo much to know.

From what you tell us...you are living in an abusive relationship.....verbal abuse and emotional abuse is abuse....you don't have to be hit to be abused......
It is essential that you get some help......
I encourage you to call the local domestic violence center. They are equipped to help you....and, everything is kept confidential. You are obligated to do anything that you don't want to.....But, you can talk to them and they will be very understanding. They exist to help.....
Hotline phone number.....1-800--799--7233.......
Please ask for them to arrange for a counselor for you to talk to. You REALLY need some face to face support!

Link to articles......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

searching4shay

I have been lurking for awhile, but something about your post... I want you to know that you are worthy. You are worth so much more than any drug, and you deserve to spend your life with someone who views you that way.

What to do next? You're doing it. Breathe. Mourn the loss. Take care of yourself. Rebuild.

Please consider dandylion's advice and seek face to face help. You're worth it.

leadingpie

Thank you so much you all. The pain is pretty much in here, but being able to cry was the best thing I could do today. I'm still terrible, it comes in waves, but I've been through this before so many times I know it will get better (except this time is the last one, I'm really DONE with him, never again; something died and will stay dead). I still feel somewhat guilty, yes, I think about words I maybe said, actions I maybe took, ways I maybe acted that were bad to him... but then I think "every person has the right to simply live, why should I walk on eggshells all the time and be this perfect doll".

I booked a session with my therapist today but he's on vacations and I'll only be able to see him next month. Ugh. I know I will hear a lot this time, he advised so many times to cut the contact completely but I am the kind of person to forget the bad things easily. When the sadness and anger are gone I'm vulnerable again.

I wanna thank you all for your very kind responses, and to all of you who are sharing your experiences. I find it very hard to open up myself like this (consequences of this relationship - I'm a shell of the fun, loving and bubbly person I once was) and I know for many in here it is too. But your stories make us feel not so alone and help bring clarity to our troubled hearts.

Thank you!

Maudcat

Welcome, leadingpie.
Hugs and good luck.

maia1234

L,
Glad you reached out. This man is a full blown addict. He has gifted you that he blew you off and you didn't marry him . Cut contact, hit a therapist and move on in life. Good for you for searching for support and knowing this is wrong. Hugs.

Sissyfuss

Oh Leadingpie, you sound like a fantastic person loyal, patient, and loving. The kind that addicts seem to search out and hook on to. Going full no contact is what worked for me because no matter how much love and treasure I showered my addict with it meant nothing to them. They were in love with their substances and there was no room left in their mind for me other than as an enabler. Addicts are incredible liars that will have you believing their lies over your own observations. The pain will ease and your life will make sense again, I guarantee it. Check out Alanon and any literature on codependency. They were extremely helpful to me. Big hugs and I have faith that you will find your way back to your authentic and happy self. People on this site do it all the time.

Hummer

Stay strong leadingpie - you really are so much better off away from this man.
Best wishes for a happy and healthy future of your own making

leadingpie

Thank you so much for your kind words y'all.

Today I'm really bad. I feel I can't move without feeling something is hurting, legs, arms, chest, head.

I can't still cry as I wanted, that's why I'm writing, when I type and things come I feel the emotions flow a bit easier.

I don't know what make us turn our heads to such obvious flags. I don't know how love and dependency can make a person turn a blind eye to their own survival instincts, because that's what I did. Not that he was violent or anything, but I allowed myself to pursue a situation VERY harmful to myself. I'm only holding on right now because I have an amazing family that cares very much.

He was always complaining about his family. His parents came to the point of selling the house and moving 3h away from the city he lives. His family tried to help, his dad paid for his first rehab years ago and dude was right back into the same things he did that put him there.

I'm an introvert, and I have very few close friends, but none I feel comfortable sharing anything about my feelings. I wish I did. He has no friends at all; I won't lie, he is a very nice guy when he is sober but he has these feelings of persecution all the time, thinks people are all bad and have a hidden agenda against him. Then yesterday he said to me I have no friends because I'm s***. Everything I confided to him in the past he somehow used against me throughout the relationship when a fight happened.

I'm so sad, so, so sad. Everything is gray. I loved this man, I truly did. He was the first and only person I allowed myself to lose to, and I was married before. I would build stairs to the sky if he asked me to. I loved him with all I had.

I'm so tired right now.

maia1234

L,
Good for you for feeling the pain, the years with our addicts we could never feel our pain because we always felt their pain. Just like an addict, we have to hit our rock bottom to fully make a change. The question is, is this your rock bottom??

Are you recognizing what you have given up to help this very sick man? You loved this man more then yourself. You have been groomed over the the years to step in the path to protect him, while you felt the pain. It will take a lot of gray days before you see the sun. Just like an addict, day one hurts, day 2 might hurt worse. None of us want to hurt, but it is truly part of the process of healing. Just own it, work a program, post and attend meetings.

The majority of us on this forum have had to work very hard to find serenity in our lives. It is not easy, and we all slip, and go back to thinking that we can do it an easier way, but we cant. It has to burn us before we fully commit to change in who we are and what we contributed to this disfunctional relationship.

Keep posting, we are all here for you, we are your friends that understand what it is like. I had no friends that would understand my life either, and then they would say "oh its just a midlife crisis"... no! Not!!

Try and commit to no contact. Cut him off your phone, texting, social media. You are worth so much more then the scraps he is throwing you. Reach out here if you want to reach out to him, we will talk you out of it. He is a very sick man and maybe one day he will see that and will choose to get some help for himself. But that is his decision not yours . Hugs my friend, we get it.

dandylion

leadingpie.....I still encourage you to call the number that I gave you....because they can help you get the support that you need, right now. These are compassionate and understanding people. They do not judge...their only goal is to help you.
You need face to face people...or one person...that you can talk to about what is going on in your life.....(as well as with us)....

LOl...a person cannot hide behind the statement "I am an introvert". It is not true that introverts have no friends or that they need to stay isolated. Yes, introverts may "recharge" their batteries while alone....but, they do need some friends to talk to and social contacts. Isolation is no good for anyone...introverts or extroverts. No man (or woman) is an island.

I may (will) be necessary to do some things that you don't savor doing...but, will be necessary to take care of yourself.....you need to take care of yourself, now, more than ever....

Have you considered seeing a doctor for a checkup? There are lots of things that can make a person feel the way you describe....tired...feeling grey...hurting all over....like, anemia, for example...and thyroid disease, diabetes, auto-immune diseases,,,,,to name a few (lol...this list is longer than your leg....and, you might be having a degree of depression as well....don't forget that a person can have more than one thing going on at one time.....
And, of course, there is no doubt that you are grieving, as well....which makes everything more difficult, of course.....

Leadingpie....please makes some steps toward getting some help for yourself.....this is simply too difficult for you to try to walk alone!

CentralOhioDad

I'm an introvert too, and do enjoy my 'alone' time, but I still have good, dear friends, and need those people in my life. I could also work-from-home more than I do, but I don't because I want that interaction.

You can do this!

COD

dandylion

COD....this is slightly OT....but, did you know that Dr. Phil describes h imself as, basically, an introvert? Who knew!

CentralOhioDad

I never saw that coming!

dandylion

COD....Yes. I hope that leading pie will forgive my discussing this on her thread...but....it seems that there is a lot of misunderstanding about what "introvert" actually means. As I understand it...introversion/extroversion is an inborn temperament (of varying degrees)....and, it often gets confused with social anxiety disorder (of varying degrees),,,which is a learned behavior.
I have read that the introversion/extroversion thing is actually a spectrum (lol...what isn't?)....with lots of people being in the middle...and very fluid....in that they can be quite satisfied if they are left alone...and, be quite happy in a room full of people type situation.....so that many people are neither just one or the other.....
I have heard this example given---If a person is invited to a party and just doesn't really want to go, and, prefers to stay at home and read a book....that is on the introversion side....
but, if a person is invited to a party and would love to go...but, dreads it and is very uncomfortable while there and can't wait to get away....and wishes that they were otherwise...that smacks of social anxiety....and, the term disorder can be tacked on the end if it is so severe that it interferes with their life functioning....

CentralOhioDad

Then I have both - introversion and social anxiety.

Quite helpful and useful information.

dandylion

COD....Wellll....introversion should not be a problem...but, the social anxiety can easily be treated......
Another, related fun fact: Worldwide...anxiety is the most commonly reported symptom that bothers people...more than depression, even....That came as a surprise, to me......and, it is more easily treated....And, furthermore, depression can sometimes present as anxiety....