I'm exhausted.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The brain is amazingly efficient at protecting us when we are in danger. With trauma, emotional abuse, verbal abuse...
I encourage you to pray for guidance. Search for information on trauma bonding. There is a reason it's difficult to leave those who are abusive. It's not your fault. Healing is possible.
(((Hugs)))
I encourage you to pray for guidance. Search for information on trauma bonding. There is a reason it's difficult to leave those who are abusive. It's not your fault. Healing is possible.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
You guys can go off topic as much as you like lol I need to distract myself from the obsessive thoughts, so common at this stage 
Dandylion I think you're right. I meant introvert because I for sure know I am one, but I always thought I have undiagnosed social anxiety. I get extremely nervous when I need to talk to people, even online! Doesn't mean I don't do it, I guess is like some actors say, they go to stage almost everyday but some of them still feel the anxiety of facing the public. That's the best analogy I can find to what I feel.
I have diagnosed depression since 2005, it comes and goes and I have no problem in admitting this to anyone, but social anxiety is the thing I can't accept I have. That's why maybe I said I'm introverted but like CentralOhioDad I'm both I think.
I don't think I need protection right now. I'm with family and he's far away from me. Also I'm a very stubborn person and when I decide something I stick to it. I'm fully no contact and I blocked him everywhere and I'm not looking back. I guess the pain has to come, and like I said it comes in waves.
I hope you guys are having a great day btw
Dandylion I think you're right. I meant introvert because I for sure know I am one, but I always thought I have undiagnosed social anxiety. I get extremely nervous when I need to talk to people, even online! Doesn't mean I don't do it, I guess is like some actors say, they go to stage almost everyday but some of them still feel the anxiety of facing the public. That's the best analogy I can find to what I feel.
I have diagnosed depression since 2005, it comes and goes and I have no problem in admitting this to anyone, but social anxiety is the thing I can't accept I have. That's why maybe I said I'm introverted but like CentralOhioDad I'm both I think.
I don't think I need protection right now. I'm with family and he's far away from me. Also I'm a very stubborn person and when I decide something I stick to it. I'm fully no contact and I blocked him everywhere and I'm not looking back. I guess the pain has to come, and like I said it comes in waves.
I hope you guys are having a great day btw
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Well I will say to you all, and I know you all will feel frustrated (because that's how I feel when I read someone breaks no contact), that I am just calming down after a 2h messaging session with the ex. And he was full rage mode.
He contacted from another number and I engaged. I apologized from my part in the fight yesterday and then he started the verbal abuse. You will all ask me now why I waited 2h to block him again... I needed to see his true colors and I did.
I remained polite and accepted only what I know is my fault. The rest I delivered back. He then started with insults, name calling when I replied with some logic and sense. I remained calm and collected. I know I shouldn't do this. I think this is how the addict tries to regain control and I know this forum is not about common relationship problems and I'm sorry if I'm running out of the subject.
He is definitely blocked and out of my life forever. I can't. This is not the sweet man I fell in love with 4 and 1/2 years ago.
I feel much better. I feel my guilt a bit relieved. If i commited my own sins I will ask God's forgiveness. But this guy doesn't deserve an A of my keyboard or a whisper from my mouth.
Thank you all for being with me, and I'll stick to NC forever now. And rebuild my life. Stay safe and good <3
He contacted from another number and I engaged. I apologized from my part in the fight yesterday and then he started the verbal abuse. You will all ask me now why I waited 2h to block him again... I needed to see his true colors and I did.
I remained polite and accepted only what I know is my fault. The rest I delivered back. He then started with insults, name calling when I replied with some logic and sense. I remained calm and collected. I know I shouldn't do this. I think this is how the addict tries to regain control and I know this forum is not about common relationship problems and I'm sorry if I'm running out of the subject.
He is definitely blocked and out of my life forever. I can't. This is not the sweet man I fell in love with 4 and 1/2 years ago.
I feel much better. I feel my guilt a bit relieved. If i commited my own sins I will ask God's forgiveness. But this guy doesn't deserve an A of my keyboard or a whisper from my mouth.
Thank you all for being with me, and I'll stick to NC forever now. And rebuild my life. Stay safe and good <3
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sometimes we need one last reminder of how far gone things really are. Save that message thread...if you ever falter, re-reading it should help.
I hope you’ll stay here at SR...you’re among friends who understand. And we are here to support you as you work through this.
Sending you a hug.
I hope you’ll stay here at SR...you’re among friends who understand. And we are here to support you as you work through this.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
L,
I wish I could say that it will be this easy. You have not heard the last of him. Next He will give you the amazing I am sorry speech, I was just out of it and will ask for your forgiveness. This will be very hard as it will hit the heart strings.
Then if you continue with the NC he will get angry and then get more verbally abusive. Please hit some meeting and educate yourself about this cunning baffling disease. You will need some strength to fight this poor poor sole. Don't let your guard down!! You are doing great.
I wish I could say that it will be this easy. You have not heard the last of him. Next He will give you the amazing I am sorry speech, I was just out of it and will ask for your forgiveness. This will be very hard as it will hit the heart strings.
Then if you continue with the NC he will get angry and then get more verbally abusive. Please hit some meeting and educate yourself about this cunning baffling disease. You will need some strength to fight this poor poor sole. Don't let your guard down!! You are doing great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
After a few hours of the last developments, I feel again extreme guilt. No, I won't allow him to talk to me ever again, I'm just trying to process my feelings right now.
I saved our convo as a txt file to read anytime I feel bad, but I can't stop thinking about the things I said.
I called him a coward when the big fight happened and accused him of not loving me. Besides this, I was upset, and reacted in an upset way. Didn't call him names nor screamed, but I was yes upset.
Today he humilliated me pretty much. From my skills to "there are millions of women better than you out there". And said he was angry because I apologized, and it made him even angrier.
i'm processing. I feel yes better and validated but still the guilt...
I saved our convo as a txt file to read anytime I feel bad, but I can't stop thinking about the things I said.
I called him a coward when the big fight happened and accused him of not loving me. Besides this, I was upset, and reacted in an upset way. Didn't call him names nor screamed, but I was yes upset.
Today he humilliated me pretty much. From my skills to "there are millions of women better than you out there". And said he was angry because I apologized, and it made him even angrier.
i'm processing. I feel yes better and validated but still the guilt...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
leadingpie....No reason to feel guilt. You have a right to defend yourself and to have your own feelings!!
A helathy relationship has trust and RESPECT as the foundation.
Love does not hurt....and it doesn't demean....
Love is supposed to bring out the best and it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.
Love does not abuse...it just doesn't!
A helathy relationship has trust and RESPECT as the foundation.
Love does not hurt....and it doesn't demean....
Love is supposed to bring out the best and it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.
Love does not abuse...it just doesn't!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Good afternoon all! Beautiful day in here and I'm feeling ok.
Dandylion I know. I just can't shake the feeling I maybe abused him too when I called him a coward before. I'm overanalyzing this so much and I wish i could stop. I have no justification for saying that, not even frustration, but I said it. I feel very bad specially because he sounded really hurt by these words and didn't accept my apologies yesterday.
But guilty or not, I'm moving on. NC day 1 going well.
Ty for your support guys.
Dandylion I know. I just can't shake the feeling I maybe abused him too when I called him a coward before. I'm overanalyzing this so much and I wish i could stop. I have no justification for saying that, not even frustration, but I said it. I feel very bad specially because he sounded really hurt by these words and didn't accept my apologies yesterday.
But guilty or not, I'm moving on. NC day 1 going well.
Ty for your support guys.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Calling him a coward is actually the truth. No wonder he got so worked up.
That’s not abuse. The fact that it hit home is on him for behaving like a coward, not on you for saying so.
Onward, good woman. Let him have his drugs and his chaos. You choose better for your one precious life.
That’s not abuse. The fact that it hit home is on him for behaving like a coward, not on you for saying so.
Onward, good woman. Let him have his drugs and his chaos. You choose better for your one precious life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Major hugs to you. I relate so much to your post.
You have done the best thing for yourself by breaking up with him. Cocaine and alcohol addiction are so unbelievably damaging - my ex was on both, and he abandoned me and our 3 children. I would not wish my experience on anyone. It has been incredibly painful.
You are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he is able to give you. Please block his number so he can't harass you anymore. Take the time and space that you need to heal from this and work on yourself so you don't fall into the trap of a relationship with an addict again.
You have done the best thing for yourself by breaking up with him. Cocaine and alcohol addiction are so unbelievably damaging - my ex was on both, and he abandoned me and our 3 children. I would not wish my experience on anyone. It has been incredibly painful.
You are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he is able to give you. Please block his number so he can't harass you anymore. Take the time and space that you need to heal from this and work on yourself so you don't fall into the trap of a relationship with an addict again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Good morning y'all. I feel like venting, and maybe typing may help myself sort my feelings. And I know I won't be the last person, unfortunately, in similar situation so it stays documented to help anyone in the future dealing with such heartbreak. I don't wish this to anyone.
I'm being able to take care of myself. Yesterday I got a pedi/mani, could finally wash my hair, I'm eating healthy and slept a full night.
I'm writing tons of letters. Tons. I type them all on my phone and save them. I direct them all to him but of course I will never send. In there I vent, I rant, I say I miss and love him so much, I share my pain and things I could never do, and they help so much to let things go.
I'm getting used to the grief and its waves. The ones who lost a loved one to death know how it is... it comes in waves. You get a huge slap from nowhere and you cry, you think you can't make it... then it goes away after a little while. And you know it will come back, but I guess that's how our brain adjusts... I don't know.
This was not the first time I had to grieve his loss, actually it's the 3rd time. I wish I could say it gets easy, it's never easy even when they come and go every week. You're all the time hanging by a thread.
I don't know if I can do this here but I warn every single person able to read this and thinking about starting a serious relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. PLEASE don't do it. You have no idea the amount of pain and dispair you'll have to deal with when he's gone for weeks, when he places everything else above you, when he mistreats you.
I don't know why I kept this going for so long, co-dependency maybe... I come from a stable family, don't have a troubled past myself, I am an attractive woman but I aged so fast worrying with my ex and his antics. And I feel so bad for him too because he is the most handsome man I've ever seen, everybody stared at us when we were together, but you can see all over his beautiful face the effects of alcohol and drugs. It's sad!
But I will get better. And in my heart I wish he does too someday.
Yesterday I bought a lovely journal and I will write everything down, like I do in here. I plan to document and check back one year from now and see my progress.
Stay well and safe guys and a big hug back to you
I'm being able to take care of myself. Yesterday I got a pedi/mani, could finally wash my hair, I'm eating healthy and slept a full night.
I'm writing tons of letters. Tons. I type them all on my phone and save them. I direct them all to him but of course I will never send. In there I vent, I rant, I say I miss and love him so much, I share my pain and things I could never do, and they help so much to let things go.
I'm getting used to the grief and its waves. The ones who lost a loved one to death know how it is... it comes in waves. You get a huge slap from nowhere and you cry, you think you can't make it... then it goes away after a little while. And you know it will come back, but I guess that's how our brain adjusts... I don't know.
This was not the first time I had to grieve his loss, actually it's the 3rd time. I wish I could say it gets easy, it's never easy even when they come and go every week. You're all the time hanging by a thread.
I don't know if I can do this here but I warn every single person able to read this and thinking about starting a serious relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. PLEASE don't do it. You have no idea the amount of pain and dispair you'll have to deal with when he's gone for weeks, when he places everything else above you, when he mistreats you.
I don't know why I kept this going for so long, co-dependency maybe... I come from a stable family, don't have a troubled past myself, I am an attractive woman but I aged so fast worrying with my ex and his antics. And I feel so bad for him too because he is the most handsome man I've ever seen, everybody stared at us when we were together, but you can see all over his beautiful face the effects of alcohol and drugs. It's sad!
But I will get better. And in my heart I wish he does too someday.
Yesterday I bought a lovely journal and I will write everything down, like I do in here. I plan to document and check back one year from now and see my progress.
Stay well and safe guys and a big hug back to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
No I'm not saying goodbye! I'm reading about addiction in here and other people's experiences to understand what I lived and I'm hoping to recover fully and help the best I can. From the bottom of my heart I don't wish this kind of pain to my worst enemy.
I'm staying and hoping I can speak from a better place very soon <3
I'm staying and hoping I can speak from a better place very soon <3
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
leadinpie...Whew! I am so glad to hear that you are staying...because I really believe that you will come out of this very strong....you seem very motivated, to me....
Don't worry ab out what place you speak from now...just speak from where you are....
Don't worry ab out what place you speak from now...just speak from where you are....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
I'm sorry about putting this thread up often. I write in here because I don't want to create another ones talking about the same things.
I'm very bad today. I cried all day, and I couldn't find a way to feel the taste of food I could eat. I truly miss him, and when I think I will never see or be with him ever again I feel like giving up. I wish we at least hadn't end in so bad terms.
I don't want to sleep tonight because when I wake up tomorrow will be the same way. I wish I could never wake up again. I'm tired, so tired of everything.
I'm very bad today. I cried all day, and I couldn't find a way to feel the taste of food I could eat. I truly miss him, and when I think I will never see or be with him ever again I feel like giving up. I wish we at least hadn't end in so bad terms.
I don't want to sleep tonight because when I wake up tomorrow will be the same way. I wish I could never wake up again. I'm tired, so tired of everything.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
leadingpie..........I can remember crying oceans of tears, also. some days are l ike that when you are grieving....some days are better and some just suck. It ebbs and flows....
One thing that is recommended, that can help...is to change up your m orning routine in any ways that you can think of....begin to "break the pattern"......
One thing I can guarantee you is this...it will not last forever!! This is the short-term pain for the long-term gain. The crying is actually an early symptom of the healing process.....
***In case you think you might be dealing with some depression, over and above the sadness of normal grieving....do get in touch with your therapist and talk about it....
Also, don't worry about how many times you post on this thread....th at is w hat it is here for...
One thing that is recommended, that can help...is to change up your m orning routine in any ways that you can think of....begin to "break the pattern"......
One thing I can guarantee you is this...it will not last forever!! This is the short-term pain for the long-term gain. The crying is actually an early symptom of the healing process.....
***In case you think you might be dealing with some depression, over and above the sadness of normal grieving....do get in touch with your therapist and talk about it....
Also, don't worry about how many times you post on this thread....th at is w hat it is here for...
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