thousandwords53

HH, I am so sorry. I was just getting caught up on this thread and I see this. We really, really must be married to clones.
I think in my situation, I have never ending optimism which makes me hang on, and I see some changes and hope that with those changes AH will eventually get to a place where deeper issues are worked on and inner work is done on his part. But then they so conveniently remind us that their minds work differently than ours and we will never be in the same reality. I too have been called so many nasty things lately it is unbelievable. I would never, ever think to say such things to anyone, let alone my spouse- yet it spews from their mouths like nothing.
I don't know if this makes any sense I'm just free flowing right now haha. I don't comment much because I don't feel that I have much input. I'm still "stuck" to some degree, although I am still putting in the work, and have come a long way- HH keep up your inner work.

hearthealth

I stay optimistic also because it is better. It is still so hard. It takes a lot of my energy and stress to change the things that are wrong. I still catch myself doing things that I shouldn't have to. I try to be nice person and it gets me where? I was reading how stress effects memory. While he's a *** behind close doors and everyone likes him because he's social, smart and all of his other good qualities.

AnvilheadII

I stay optimistic also because it is better.

how is it better? or are you saying that being optimistic is better for you?

thousandwords53

The way I read it: "because it is better" = things are better (relatively) since no drinking - so she stays optimistic. (One change may lead to more?) That's how I read it, and feel myself. Although My optimism is certainly draining daily.

hearthealth

Yes exactly, Thousandwords. I feel the same way... better but draining. Yesterday no major blowup but he acted like a self centered double standard popous.... . I couldn't act that way nor would I want to. This morning he wakes me up with a stroke and a kiss and I realized sometime since yesterday I don't love him any more. All that is gone. I'm together only to be together. Now I must decide what to do about it.

hearthealth

The children had couseling today. They are still doing good according to their counselor. He states what ever I decide I should make a condition for him to have a support group. My response was I don't know any counselors that work with addiction.

qtpi

Heart health- what you said about everyone thinking he is so wonderful - it's called house devil, street angel. I remember it well!

hopeful4

This. Be concerned about this. I saw my daughter growing into a fine little fixer. Through ALOT of counseling with the right counselor, it has gotten worlds better. Make sure you communicate to the counselor that is a concern of yours. Your child cannot articulate that to the counselor in her position.

dandylion

hearthealth...AA is an excellent support group...the largest support group in the world....
In fact, there is a saying ..."AA is the worlds's largest support group that nobody wanted to belong to"......lol...

I have known of soo many "house devils; street angels"
qtpi.....I love that saying!

LovePeaceSushi

Hearthealth,

I am currently in a similar situation and I'm trying to stay and make this marriage work. My AH has been to AA meetings, but recently he got into a trend of wanting me to go with him to them. I don't mind going to 1 meeting per week, but I don't feel like I need to go to Every. Single. One of them. Since I told him that, he quit going to AA. He likes everyone to do everything for him. He cannot delegate his sobriety to me.

Was your AH under the influence when he went on his rant? Maybe he is threatened by the boundaries that you are setting up, so, like a child, he tries to throw a temper tantrum and get his way. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but just know that we're here for you and we're not here to judge. Only you will know when enough is enough or if you just stick it out for life. <3

Snoopy664

HH, I have been catching up on your situation and can relate! I have done the same and received the same results. It’s a constant roller coaster. Nice, nasty, nice, nasty.....
The “closed door” really hit home. This is something that has driven me crazy. We could be with neighbors and he is funny, kind, and cordial but then boom, go inside and somehow between walking from outside to inside, I have done something wrong and the nastiness flies.
My heart hurts for you, knowing how it feels to be the recipient of such awe-fullness. Stay strong! Sending hugs!

hearthealth

I never heard that expression but it fits. I'll have to mention daughters behavior to fix things to the counselor. I don't think he was drinking but Friday's use to be his big drinking night so maybe he was white knuckling it bad that night that he was caught trying to be cute.

I just don't care to interact with him anymore. I respond to his small talk. I mention important things but I just can't pull myself into having a serious relationship with him.

qtpi

Been there. It's not pretty and it's a shock. I still remember very clearly the day I lost that lovin' feeling. He was being an a$$ and my kids got upset, my son cried, and I just lost all the love I ever felt for him. Wiped out in an instant. I am sorry to say I stayed for years and tried to make it work.

Ladybird579

I can still remember the exact moment I knew I didn't love my exah anymore. I was shocked at the time but it was the beginning of a very fast end cos once I realised I knew there was nothing left to save except myself and our kids.

PeacefulWater12

I would say my story is a success. My husband and myself used to drink together every day. I eventually quit a few years ago.

I work the Al-anon program. I worked my own program. Learnt to detach from my husband when he drinks.

I like how we live. I am the happiest I have ever been.

Just as an aside, hubby is a quiet, gentle drunk. Whereas I was a verbally abusive drunk. Working my Al-anon program, I am now also quiet and gentle. I feel very blessed

hearthealth

I know husband is not putting in the hard work to change. I know that suffering is optional. It's a choice I choose like constantly touching the hot burner. Husband has been away at work once again and the atmosphere is so different. I had to stop and think about turning on the furnace but then I remembered I could do it and not have an argument or I should say his way. All this serenity could have been mine. The hard part of divorce, all the stories during and after is what keeps me stuck.

hopeful4

I can only say that for myself, touching that hot burner over and over was a lot more painful than anything I experienced during or after my divorce.

dandylion

For me...after divorce was sooo much better...and, I had three small children and a full time job....
I had so much more fun!!!!!!!!

Ladybird579

All this serenity could have been mine. The hard part of divorce, all the stories during and after is what keeps me stuck.

Yes it is hard but once you are free life gets 100% better, In fact it gets better from the moment you turn the key in the door before bed at night and he is not in the house anymore drinking or being abusive or argumentative. Noone is upsetting your kids. You cannot bottle that feeling of peace and calm. You go around the house and you sneak in and see your kids sleeping happy and secure. Noone is clinking bottle or cans or starting a fight over nothing. You don't have to worry about a round of abuse designed to grind down your self worth even more. You get ready for bed, climb in, read for a bit and sleep peacefully.

Yeah you might take a cut in money, you may have a few months of him being a moron in court but it is worth it...it really is. It's not been easy but my only regret is not doing it sooner.

qtpi

Now that court is over and the financial settlement will be soon, i feel sooo much better. Life is much better for me- everyone is so kind and life is good.