Happy endings? It's still early.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hearthealth......I don't call it love....
Love does not behave that way....
When you are loved ....you know it...and, you can feel it...and, you can see it in the form of action...
And, it doesn't deliberately aim to hurt......
Love does not behave that way....
When you are loved ....you know it...and, you can feel it...and, you can see it in the form of action...
And, it doesn't deliberately aim to hurt......
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He just called me every foul name you could think of in a long winded rant
You're not stupid. Just human.
I'm sorry. I know that you were really hoping for something different this time.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I remember well my feelings each time that XAH would drop the pretense and show me who and where he was, and I know how much it hurts.
This incident should clarify things for you even more, I'd think. What actions are you ready to take, now that you have this new information?
This incident should clarify things for you even more, I'd think. What actions are you ready to take, now that you have this new information?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
The children were present. They were trying to ignore it but my daughter is the fixer. I told him I will not put up with this disrespect and to prepare for the divorce. I wanted to ask him to leave the house but I knew he wouldn't. He eventually, without prompting, apologized. He states everyone swears he was just called a p***d*** that day. I stated that's not my standard.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Soo much responsibility for a child to take on the "fixer" role. It is almost like rehearsal to becoming a co-dependent in future adult relataionships....
I am glad to hear that you stood up to him...
Stick by your boundary.....
I am glad to hear that you stood up to him...
Stick by your boundary.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Soo much responsibility for a child to take on the "fixer" role. It is almost like rehearsal to becoming a co-dependent in future adult relataionships....
I am glad to hear that you stood up to him...
Stick by your boundary.....
I am glad to hear that you stood up to him...
Stick by your boundary.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sometimes, words are so cheap..."I'm sorry" is easy to SAY. Especially, if he knows that is the way to keep you in line.....(they know which buttons to push...because they remember what has always worked for them in the past).....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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hearthealth....my answer to your question would be this.....start showing her by your example. You are her role model. Stick by your boundary.
I believe that, when children live with alcoholism in their home, one of the consequences is that they take on a parental role, prematurely.......their way of trying to "fix" the dysfunction in the family.
This shortchanges them....A child should be able to be a child while they are developing....and the parents (adults) should be in charge of the adult issues in the family.
On this subject, I have read that a hallmark of healthy family is that the generational boundaries are clear....The adults are clearly the adults and the children are clearly, the children. There is no confusion in that.
I believe that Adult Children of Alcoholics deals with these kinds of dynamics.
You can get the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics, on amazon.com.
You could, also, consider going to their meetings, if there are any in your area.
Desert Eyes is very informed on this, I believe...(Adult Children of Alcoholics).....
Also, I believe that your children are, currently in therapy....? You might discuss this with their therapist, also.....
I believe that, when children live with alcoholism in their home, one of the consequences is that they take on a parental role, prematurely.......their way of trying to "fix" the dysfunction in the family.
This shortchanges them....A child should be able to be a child while they are developing....and the parents (adults) should be in charge of the adult issues in the family.
On this subject, I have read that a hallmark of healthy family is that the generational boundaries are clear....The adults are clearly the adults and the children are clearly, the children. There is no confusion in that.
I believe that Adult Children of Alcoholics deals with these kinds of dynamics.
You can get the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics, on amazon.com.
You could, also, consider going to their meetings, if there are any in your area.
Desert Eyes is very informed on this, I believe...(Adult Children of Alcoholics).....
Also, I believe that your children are, currently in therapy....? You might discuss this with their therapist, also.....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He states everyone swears he was just called a p***d*** that day. I stated that's not my standard.
It sounds like that he may have had a pretty lousy day and tried to vomit it all over you. I tell my 12YO son that the worst thing you can do when you have a bad day is to make everybody feel as bad as you do. You can talk about your feelings, and we can discuss coping strategies. But yelling and screaming and insulting people in the effort to make yourself feel better is unacceptable. That's what bullies do.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello hearthealth,
I am sorry that you once again had to live through your husband's abuse. You are the only one who can decide how much you can take, but I hope you will consider how your staying has affected your daughter. She wants to fix things because of the chaos in which she lives. I hate it when people raise their voices around me and would always want to run interference and smooth things over as a child.
It doesn't seem as though he really wants to change...certainly not enough to put in the real work needed to do so. Meanwhile, you and your children suffer.
Again, I will never tell you what you should or should not do, but certainly you are the only one whose behavior and choices you control in this situation. I am wishing you peace, clarity, and joy!
I am sorry that you once again had to live through your husband's abuse. You are the only one who can decide how much you can take, but I hope you will consider how your staying has affected your daughter. She wants to fix things because of the chaos in which she lives. I hate it when people raise their voices around me and would always want to run interference and smooth things over as a child.
It doesn't seem as though he really wants to change...certainly not enough to put in the real work needed to do so. Meanwhile, you and your children suffer.
Again, I will never tell you what you should or should not do, but certainly you are the only one whose behavior and choices you control in this situation. I am wishing you peace, clarity, and joy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
It was that I accused him of lying about being at work one day. He was at work but there was a paycheck error. The thing is he had days to tell me his check would short and didn't. Instead of telling me he was actually trying to be cute and told me he was doing 'things'. He doesn't communicate and then I get the brunt. This is not the relationship I want or the example I want to set.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
It was that I accused him of lying about being at work one day.
The thing is he had days to tell me his check would short and didn't. Instead of telling me he was actually trying to be cute and told me he was doing 'things'.
The whole "cute" routine would **** me off too. That just sounds like conflict avoidance to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
[I]I'm just stupid. I thought he would be different. He just called me every foul name you could think of in a long winded rant. I told him I didn't deserve his foul mouth and I need some space. How can one use those words to someone they love. [
You are not stupid and he doesn't love you. That's why he doesn' t care what he says to you and in front of your kids. I think you were right before to start separation and going down the divorce route but, like me, you gave him one more chance. I hope this has helped you see that more chances are not on the cards and you can move forward to get away from him asap. ((hugs)) ps you might consider he is drinking again too..it has all the hallmarks.
You are not stupid and he doesn't love you. That's why he doesn' t care what he says to you and in front of your kids. I think you were right before to start separation and going down the divorce route but, like me, you gave him one more chance. I hope this has helped you see that more chances are not on the cards and you can move forward to get away from him asap. ((hugs)) ps you might consider he is drinking again too..it has all the hallmarks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
H is still sober although not in a program. He has been extremely attentive since the verbal abuse assault. I thought the second cycle was ending after three days. I could feel acceleration of tension but then it disinpatated. We are talking better. We have a different issue OT, that we are dealing with.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
Day by day...boundary by boundary.
I think you may just have to figure out what your boundaries are with his verbal assaults. My first AH used to do that frequently until I started replying, "You must feel really badly about yourself to feel the need to put me down like that. I am sorry"--and that was not said with a sarcastic tone at all...it was with a tone of love. I doubt that will work with every AH, but I don't think he liked being psychoanalyzed...lol...so he stopped doing it to me.
I didn't live in a drinking home, but I heard stories that my grandpa used to drink when he was in the military. He would come home drunk and was very hard to deal with. I don't know the whole deal, but he did stop drinking when he left the military and my grandma threatened him, and he never had a program or anything so maybe he had some of the same traits still, but without the alcohol, it didn't seem that bad (hard to say, but through my kid eyes, I thought he was a pretty good grandpa).
All that to say that everyone's journey is different. Maybe you guys can go to marriage counseling to deal with the behaviors that are hurting your marriage and do some workaround like that?
I think you may just have to figure out what your boundaries are with his verbal assaults. My first AH used to do that frequently until I started replying, "You must feel really badly about yourself to feel the need to put me down like that. I am sorry"--and that was not said with a sarcastic tone at all...it was with a tone of love. I doubt that will work with every AH, but I don't think he liked being psychoanalyzed...lol...so he stopped doing it to me.
I didn't live in a drinking home, but I heard stories that my grandpa used to drink when he was in the military. He would come home drunk and was very hard to deal with. I don't know the whole deal, but he did stop drinking when he left the military and my grandma threatened him, and he never had a program or anything so maybe he had some of the same traits still, but without the alcohol, it didn't seem that bad (hard to say, but through my kid eyes, I thought he was a pretty good grandpa).
All that to say that everyone's journey is different. Maybe you guys can go to marriage counseling to deal with the behaviors that are hurting your marriage and do some workaround like that?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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When married to my ex-husband, we attempted marriage counseling. He was not an alcoholic or addict at that time (some evidence points to a period of alcohol abuse during and after the end of the marriage).
My ex had an affair, and filed for a divorce. But, he agreed initially to go to marriage counseling. That, however, was all talk and no action. He would be a no show to appointments, or call and cancel them without telling me--so I would show up and an embarrassed receptionist would tell me that the appointment had been cancelled. He took the divorce proceedings up to the point that the only remaining thing to do was have the judge sign the decree--but he didn't do it and held that over my head for months.
There were periods where he would be very kind and attentive to me, and periods where he would be very verbally and mentally abusive to me. I tried to understand his behavior, but just couldn't. I had to simply accept that it was what it was.
By accepting the truth of the situation, all that was left for me to do was make a decision for myself, and that scared me. Was I willing to just be the mental and verbal pressure relief valve for this man, or could I make a decision to build a better life for myself? Was I going to put everything in my life on hold waiting for him to make a decision that affected both of us, or was I going to make a decision for my own good? What would my family think of my failure?
At first I felt obligated and bound by my marriage vows to try...and I did. I let him have many passes, forgave quite a bit, and yet nothing changed about his behavior. I take marriage very seriously. I am not one to stay married only as long as the shine is new, so to speak.
Finally, I was tired of my life being held hostage by someone who did not have my best interest at heart--I would have respected him a bit more if he said that he was letting me go for my good because he had too many issues to work out. But what I finally told him was that if he did not have the decree signed, I would get an attorney and do so myself.
Needless to say, a furious rain of verbal abuse followed, but I was determined to not be a hostage to his whims any longer. Thankfully, we did not have children caught in the middle, but you do. I think you also realize that if left untreated, your husband's abusive behavior is extraordinarily unlikely to correct itself.
I have no children of my own, so I cannot advise you how to handle the effects you are now seeing in your daughter based on growing up in a home with active alcoholism and verbal and mental abuse. Forgive me, because I don't remember, but have you been able to secure counseling for your children? I hope that you will, perhaps, at least consider the possibility of counseling for them.
Please do take good care, hearthealth! You are deserving of a peaceful and joy-filled life. Whatever form that takes.
My ex had an affair, and filed for a divorce. But, he agreed initially to go to marriage counseling. That, however, was all talk and no action. He would be a no show to appointments, or call and cancel them without telling me--so I would show up and an embarrassed receptionist would tell me that the appointment had been cancelled. He took the divorce proceedings up to the point that the only remaining thing to do was have the judge sign the decree--but he didn't do it and held that over my head for months.
There were periods where he would be very kind and attentive to me, and periods where he would be very verbally and mentally abusive to me. I tried to understand his behavior, but just couldn't. I had to simply accept that it was what it was.
By accepting the truth of the situation, all that was left for me to do was make a decision for myself, and that scared me. Was I willing to just be the mental and verbal pressure relief valve for this man, or could I make a decision to build a better life for myself? Was I going to put everything in my life on hold waiting for him to make a decision that affected both of us, or was I going to make a decision for my own good? What would my family think of my failure?
At first I felt obligated and bound by my marriage vows to try...and I did. I let him have many passes, forgave quite a bit, and yet nothing changed about his behavior. I take marriage very seriously. I am not one to stay married only as long as the shine is new, so to speak.
Finally, I was tired of my life being held hostage by someone who did not have my best interest at heart--I would have respected him a bit more if he said that he was letting me go for my good because he had too many issues to work out. But what I finally told him was that if he did not have the decree signed, I would get an attorney and do so myself.
Needless to say, a furious rain of verbal abuse followed, but I was determined to not be a hostage to his whims any longer. Thankfully, we did not have children caught in the middle, but you do. I think you also realize that if left untreated, your husband's abusive behavior is extraordinarily unlikely to correct itself.
I have no children of my own, so I cannot advise you how to handle the effects you are now seeing in your daughter based on growing up in a home with active alcoholism and verbal and mental abuse. Forgive me, because I don't remember, but have you been able to secure counseling for your children? I hope that you will, perhaps, at least consider the possibility of counseling for them.
Please do take good care, hearthealth! You are deserving of a peaceful and joy-filled life. Whatever form that takes.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth.....lol...they know what it takes to keep us corralled. They know our hot buttons...after all, we teach them what/where they are.....
A good manipulator is always better at "reading" the other person.....
that is what makes them so good....
A good manipulator is always better at "reading" the other person.....
that is what makes them so good....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
The children are in counseling. One of the counties GL. The person states that the children report dad has been better and my daughter has a better self esteem. They will continue going the the person.
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