New here...feeling helpless
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
still dont know how to do that multi quote thing, but:
"He said he couldn't believe he admitted it to me and that he thinks he has a problem. He said he has been hiding it quite a while (duh, he's a TERRIBLE hider!). He said he is scared because he doesn't know why he does it and he doesn't think he can stop. He also said he knows the consequences way outweigh the benefits, but even knowing that he could lose everything with his drinking (he works in a field that doesn't tolerate criminal/drinking/DWI/any type of records of any type and would be terminated immediately and he is the breadwinner), he still can't stop. Not to mention that he could kill someone drinking and driving."
reads like he crossed the line into full blown alcoholism
"He's also worried that if he gets help he will run into people that won't keep it confidential and he could put his job at risk. He's even afraid our employer will look to see if he's gone to counseling and he will lose his job. Paranoia. I told him none of that will happen and we can even find somewhere in another town to get help or go to meetings. "
an excuse to not get help. ive met a surgeon, sheriff, prosecuting attorney, pharmacist, police officers, realtors,nurses, chemist....even a psychologist ...
in recovery programs.even in rehabs- i think theres been an article or 2 here and there on the web of famous/well off/professional people that went to rehab. no terminal uniqueness.alcoholism is an equal oppurtunity destroyer
i honestly dont thing there isnt a profession that isnt represented in them. and small town living would be a copout- i met the majority of those people in small town USA.
id rather people learn im getting help for an alcohol/addiction problem than
read about me inthe paper after having killed someone while drunk.
there are laws in place that protect a person that gets treatment for alcoholism/addiction.many employers have in their employee handbook something about the topic.
hopefully he gets more worried about losing his family than being recognized.
"That being said, I still don't believe him. I think it's the cycle starting all over again. "
reads like not the 1st time? it was quite common for me to be quite serious about not drinking.
until the heat was off.
even after i got sober, no one that was left around me believed i was serious. that trust/faith/belief had to be earned- earned with actions over T.I.M.E.
and not just a couple weeks or months.
rehab can be a great thing- IF the alcoholic/addict wants it for themselves and themsevles alone- no other motive.
which the alcoholic/addict can show how serious they are just in who makes the call.
please do whats right for you and the kids.
"He said he couldn't believe he admitted it to me and that he thinks he has a problem. He said he has been hiding it quite a while (duh, he's a TERRIBLE hider!). He said he is scared because he doesn't know why he does it and he doesn't think he can stop. He also said he knows the consequences way outweigh the benefits, but even knowing that he could lose everything with his drinking (he works in a field that doesn't tolerate criminal/drinking/DWI/any type of records of any type and would be terminated immediately and he is the breadwinner), he still can't stop. Not to mention that he could kill someone drinking and driving."
reads like he crossed the line into full blown alcoholism
"He's also worried that if he gets help he will run into people that won't keep it confidential and he could put his job at risk. He's even afraid our employer will look to see if he's gone to counseling and he will lose his job. Paranoia. I told him none of that will happen and we can even find somewhere in another town to get help or go to meetings. "
an excuse to not get help. ive met a surgeon, sheriff, prosecuting attorney, pharmacist, police officers, realtors,nurses, chemist....even a psychologist ...
in recovery programs.even in rehabs- i think theres been an article or 2 here and there on the web of famous/well off/professional people that went to rehab. no terminal uniqueness.alcoholism is an equal oppurtunity destroyer
i honestly dont thing there isnt a profession that isnt represented in them. and small town living would be a copout- i met the majority of those people in small town USA.
id rather people learn im getting help for an alcohol/addiction problem than
read about me inthe paper after having killed someone while drunk.
there are laws in place that protect a person that gets treatment for alcoholism/addiction.many employers have in their employee handbook something about the topic.
hopefully he gets more worried about losing his family than being recognized.
"That being said, I still don't believe him. I think it's the cycle starting all over again. "
reads like not the 1st time? it was quite common for me to be quite serious about not drinking.
until the heat was off.
even after i got sober, no one that was left around me believed i was serious. that trust/faith/belief had to be earned- earned with actions over T.I.M.E.
and not just a couple weeks or months.
rehab can be a great thing- IF the alcoholic/addict wants it for themselves and themsevles alone- no other motive.
which the alcoholic/addict can show how serious they are just in who makes the call.
please do whats right for you and the kids.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jeepgirl....I'm in the medical profession (PA). It is one of those professions that has a zero toleration for anyone who gets a criminal record for anything....except for, maybe, a very minor traffic violation, like a speeding ticket, etc.
Same goes, if there is anything "suspicious" while on the job...like alcohol on the breath and any signs that something is amiss in that way.
Here is the thing...suppose something does come to their attention...there is a whole procedure and investigation and a hearing before a professional board...in short, what they can/usually do, if one is judged to have a substance abuse problem....is to suspend the medical license...order that one go to rehabilitation. and not be allowed to give any controlled substances...and report to someone in authority, about their compliance (lab tests, proof of therapy, etc). After about two years (I think)...if everything goes well, they can be given a provisional license....and, be on probation for a period of time.
All in all , it takes a long time...and it may be hard to get employment during that time, if not allowed to give certain medication (it all depends on circu mstances).
***In my profession, there is nothing that they can do if there is no criminal record...DWI, etc., and nothing comes to light in the workplace.
Going to treatment for anything is not punishable. Going to any kind of support program is not punishable.
I don't know what profession he is dealing with....but, I think that, if he really wants to preserve his work situation....that should be a big...really big reason for him to get sober, before anything worse than being recognized, happens. I can tell you, that he is fortunate, so far...because, in the workplace, it will be noticed, sooner or later...because alcoholism is progressive....
Even if he would feel better by going to another, distant community....that is really a small price to pay. I have known of people who did that.
I don't know if any of this is of help for you...but, I thought I would give it a shot.....
Same goes, if there is anything "suspicious" while on the job...like alcohol on the breath and any signs that something is amiss in that way.
Here is the thing...suppose something does come to their attention...there is a whole procedure and investigation and a hearing before a professional board...in short, what they can/usually do, if one is judged to have a substance abuse problem....is to suspend the medical license...order that one go to rehabilitation. and not be allowed to give any controlled substances...and report to someone in authority, about their compliance (lab tests, proof of therapy, etc). After about two years (I think)...if everything goes well, they can be given a provisional license....and, be on probation for a period of time.
All in all , it takes a long time...and it may be hard to get employment during that time, if not allowed to give certain medication (it all depends on circu mstances).
***In my profession, there is nothing that they can do if there is no criminal record...DWI, etc., and nothing comes to light in the workplace.
Going to treatment for anything is not punishable. Going to any kind of support program is not punishable.
I don't know what profession he is dealing with....but, I think that, if he really wants to preserve his work situation....that should be a big...really big reason for him to get sober, before anything worse than being recognized, happens. I can tell you, that he is fortunate, so far...because, in the workplace, it will be noticed, sooner or later...because alcoholism is progressive....
Even if he would feel better by going to another, distant community....that is really a small price to pay. I have known of people who did that.
I don't know if any of this is of help for you...but, I thought I would give it a shot.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Jeepgirl....I'm in the medical profession (PA). It is one of those professions that has a zero toleration for anyone who gets a criminal record for anything....except for, maybe, a very minor traffic violation, like a speeding ticket, etc.
Same goes, if there is anything "suspicious" while on the job...like alcohol on the breath and any signs that something is amiss in that way.
Here is the thing...suppose something does come to their attention...there is a whole procedure and investigation and a hearing before a professional board...in short, what they can/usually do, if one is judged to have a substance abuse problem....is to suspend the medical license...order that one go to rehabilitation. and not be allowed to give any controlled substances...and report to someone in authority, about their compliance (lab tests, proof of therapy, etc). After about two years (I think)...if everything goes well, they can be given a provisional license....and, be on probation for a period of time.
All in all , it takes a long time...and it may be hard to get employment during that time, if not allowed to give certain medication (it all depends on circu mstances).
***In my profession, there is nothing that they can do if there is no criminal record...DWI, etc., and nothing comes to light in the workplace.
Going to treatment for anything is not punishable. Going to any kind of support program is not punishable.
I don't know what profession he is dealing with....but, I think that, if he really wants to preserve his work situation....that should be a big...really big reason for him to get sober, before anything worse than being recognized, happens. I can tell you, that he is fortunate, so far...because, in the workplace, it will be noticed, sooner or later...because alcoholism is progressive....
Even if he would feel better by going to another, distant community....that is really a small price to pay. I have known of people who did that.
I don't know if any of this is of help for you...but, I thought I would give it a shot.....
Same goes, if there is anything "suspicious" while on the job...like alcohol on the breath and any signs that something is amiss in that way.
Here is the thing...suppose something does come to their attention...there is a whole procedure and investigation and a hearing before a professional board...in short, what they can/usually do, if one is judged to have a substance abuse problem....is to suspend the medical license...order that one go to rehabilitation. and not be allowed to give any controlled substances...and report to someone in authority, about their compliance (lab tests, proof of therapy, etc). After about two years (I think)...if everything goes well, they can be given a provisional license....and, be on probation for a period of time.
All in all , it takes a long time...and it may be hard to get employment during that time, if not allowed to give certain medication (it all depends on circu mstances).
***In my profession, there is nothing that they can do if there is no criminal record...DWI, etc., and nothing comes to light in the workplace.
Going to treatment for anything is not punishable. Going to any kind of support program is not punishable.
I don't know what profession he is dealing with....but, I think that, if he really wants to preserve his work situation....that should be a big...really big reason for him to get sober, before anything worse than being recognized, happens. I can tell you, that he is fortunate, so far...because, in the workplace, it will be noticed, sooner or later...because alcoholism is progressive....
Even if he would feel better by going to another, distant community....that is really a small price to pay. I have known of people who did that.
I don't know if any of this is of help for you...but, I thought I would give it a shot.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Hi Jeepgirl,
Very similar situation. See my recent blog "Fear of unlocking the door".
The most important thing is to focus on you not him. Al anon may be helpful, SR is really helpful and professional counselling can help.
You are right to have the welfare and happiness of the kids at top of mind. I like the saying (airline analogy) "Put on your oxygen mask first" before helping others.
Don't punish yourself about what you could have done - the past is the past. It is the life you want in the future. At this point it may be better to think day at a time.
Take care
Very similar situation. See my recent blog "Fear of unlocking the door".
The most important thing is to focus on you not him. Al anon may be helpful, SR is really helpful and professional counselling can help.
You are right to have the welfare and happiness of the kids at top of mind. I like the saying (airline analogy) "Put on your oxygen mask first" before helping others.
Don't punish yourself about what you could have done - the past is the past. It is the life you want in the future. At this point it may be better to think day at a time.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
Speaking as the alcoholic, unless he gets help and WANTS to, you are better off without him. Losing my marriage was my biggest initial motivator, and then I realized all the other benefits of laying off the booze. Ask yourself if you'd want your kids to have partners like their father.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by grayghost1965
Speaking as the alcoholic, unless he gets help and WANTS to, you are better off without him. Losing my marriage was my biggest initial motivator, and then I realized all the other benefits of laying off the booze. Ask yourself if you'd want your kids to have partners like their father.....
I'm not sure how much time I give him though. He will be fine not drinking for a couple of weeks but then what? Sadly, I already find myself looking for houses for my children and me and budgeting as a single mom. How long do I wait??? He seems more receptive than ever right now and has actually seemed to listen more to me and take me seriously for once so I feel like I need to give him time to heal/get treatment. I told him this is the last time we run this cycle again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
perhaps now is the time to give some serious thought, consideration and research into what "getting out" would entail. you'll need a plan. and there are lots of things to navigate. a visit to a divorce attorney would help you understand the legal issues and which steps to take, which obstacles to avoid.
you are not describing a person who is serious about changing or quitting. a single "honest" declaration of drinking is not a sign. statements of knowing he needs to do something is not a plan of action.
nothing about this is fun or easy. but then life is like that.
there are folks in texas who had homes yesterday, and today were plucked from that home by helicopter and are now in some shelter. they now have a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.
use the resources you have at your avail. don't look to him to FIX this....
you are not describing a person who is serious about changing or quitting. a single "honest" declaration of drinking is not a sign. statements of knowing he needs to do something is not a plan of action.
nothing about this is fun or easy. but then life is like that.
there are folks in texas who had homes yesterday, and today were plucked from that home by helicopter and are now in some shelter. they now have a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.
use the resources you have at your avail. don't look to him to FIX this....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jeepgirl.....Once the alcoholic puts down the bottle AND begins working a strong program of recovery....it takes about one year for them to "level out"...but, most people who have worked closely with alcoholic , as well as long recovering alcoholics say that it takes tow or three years to really see the kinds of internal changes that recovery brings....like, changes in thinking; changes in attitude; and changes in behaviors.....
Those first 1-2-3yrs, is commonly referred to as :early recovery period". And, even with vigorous work, it can still be prone to relapse....
I think the question to ask yourself is this...Is he even working a program, and...how much time do you have to invest?
I think that the smartest and best thing that you can do for all involved is, to continue with your plan for your own future. That is the only thing you can really count on....
sometimes, the best thing a person can do for the alcoholic is to just get out of the alcoholic's way....that gives them the opportunity to face t hemselves.....
I am going to give you this link to an article from our Classic Reading collection..It is a pretty good yardstick.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
Those first 1-2-3yrs, is commonly referred to as :early recovery period". And, even with vigorous work, it can still be prone to relapse....
I think the question to ask yourself is this...Is he even working a program, and...how much time do you have to invest?
I think that the smartest and best thing that you can do for all involved is, to continue with your plan for your own future. That is the only thing you can really count on....
sometimes, the best thing a person can do for the alcoholic is to just get out of the alcoholic's way....that gives them the opportunity to face t hemselves.....
I am going to give you this link to an article from our Classic Reading collection..It is a pretty good yardstick.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by dandylion
Jeepgirl......lol....I think the link is there, now. It takes a couple of minutes to post the links...because, one has to get out of the thread, and then, go back to it again....
Do you see it now??
Do you see it now??
And how do I find aa meetings near me? I went to aa.org but it says it is not a place to find meetings. ???
In your experience, is a counselor or aa better to start? He wants a counselor because I think he fears running into someone at a meeting, and he is scared to admit that he has a problem to anyone but myself. I know that in and of itself is a problem, but at least he admitted it to me. It's a start, right?
And I think I will at least talk with an attorney to see what my options are. Do I have to pay them just to have a consult? And how do I find a good divorce attorney without letting on to people I know that this might be looming?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
perhaps now is the time to give some serious thought, consideration and research into what "getting out" would entail. you'll need a plan. and there are lots of things to navigate. a visit to a divorce attorney would help you understand the legal issues and which steps to take, which obstacles to avoid.
you are not describing a person who is serious about changing or quitting. a single "honest" declaration of drinking is not a sign. statements of knowing he needs to do something is not a plan of action.
nothing about this is fun or easy. but then life is like that.
there are folks in texas who had homes yesterday, and today were plucked from that home by helicopter and are now in some shelter. they now have a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.
use the resources you have at your avail. don't look to him to FIX this....
you are not describing a person who is serious about changing or quitting. a single "honest" declaration of drinking is not a sign. statements of knowing he needs to do something is not a plan of action.
nothing about this is fun or easy. but then life is like that.
there are folks in texas who had homes yesterday, and today were plucked from that home by helicopter and are now in some shelter. they now have a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.
use the resources you have at your avail. don't look to him to FIX this....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jeepgirl.....I think this is "link day"....lol...
I am going to give you one that is for women going through divorce. It is not to take the place of an attorney, of course...but, it is very educational, in nature. It covers almost every area of concern during divorce.....
It is organized by state....
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
In my opinion, and my experience from working with and knowing alcoholics, clinically, and, in my personal life.....
I feel very strongly about AA. I think that it should be a foundation for anyone who wants to be sober....it is compatible with any other kinds of help that a person needs....and, to be sure, there is often the need for specific kinds of simultaneous help....A lot of alcoholics have other conditions that the alcoholic may struggle with...like depression, ADD, past abuse (sexual and otherwise). etc.....
If he seeks help from a counselor...I suggest that he , at least, start with one who is a certified alcoholism counselor...because that person will know enough to kick his butt to AA.
these days, there is more awareness of dual diagnosis...and, the need to treat all of the persons conditions. Of course, the drinking has to be stopped for anything else to have much long term success.....
does this answer for you?
You can get free initial consults from a lot of lawyers.....the above link, that I gave, will help you to have a list of the important questions to ask the lawyer...to save time....
I am going to give you one that is for women going through divorce. It is not to take the place of an attorney, of course...but, it is very educational, in nature. It covers almost every area of concern during divorce.....
It is organized by state....
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
In my opinion, and my experience from working with and knowing alcoholics, clinically, and, in my personal life.....
I feel very strongly about AA. I think that it should be a foundation for anyone who wants to be sober....it is compatible with any other kinds of help that a person needs....and, to be sure, there is often the need for specific kinds of simultaneous help....A lot of alcoholics have other conditions that the alcoholic may struggle with...like depression, ADD, past abuse (sexual and otherwise). etc.....
If he seeks help from a counselor...I suggest that he , at least, start with one who is a certified alcoholism counselor...because that person will know enough to kick his butt to AA.
these days, there is more awareness of dual diagnosis...and, the need to treat all of the persons conditions. Of course, the drinking has to be stopped for anything else to have much long term success.....
does this answer for you?
You can get free initial consults from a lot of lawyers.....the above link, that I gave, will help you to have a list of the important questions to ask the lawyer...to save time....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Jeep, I gave you a link to find Alanon meetings in an earlier post on this same thread. Here is the link again: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
Just FYI, AA and Alanon are NOT the same organization. AA is for alcoholics seeking recovery. Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking.
You may see listings for "open" meetings of Alanon or AA, and at those meetings, it is appropriate for anyone who has an interest to attend, but for the most direct help for your own situation, regular Alanon meetings are what you want.
Just FYI, AA and Alanon are NOT the same organization. AA is for alcoholics seeking recovery. Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking.
You may see listings for "open" meetings of Alanon or AA, and at those meetings, it is appropriate for anyone who has an interest to attend, but for the most direct help for your own situation, regular Alanon meetings are what you want.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm wondering where the actual aa meetings are as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by honeypig
Don't you think he can (and should) find those himself? Recovery is something he has to do for himself, why not start out that way right from the very beginning?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by dandylion
Jeepgirl...can you make a list of the things, specifically, that you are afraid of?
He is in no way physcially abusive. I'm just scared he won't take care of it without a little push from me. Sending him the link to counselors in our area specializing in alcohol abuse, sending him the AA website for locations and times for meetings...that type of stuff.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jeepgirl....we all have to learn to accept the things that we have no control over.
It is true that he might not change...and, yet, he may---down the road.
You have to prepare yourself to live your own life, if he doesn't....
Hey....you can send the lists to him, in my opinion, if you want to. Just be aware that he may not act on them. Nothing that you do or don't do is going to ignite him, if he is not ready to take the steps....except, maybe, getting out of his way....
but, if it makes you feel better to send the stuff...have at it.
If it were me (lol...and it isn't)....I would print out the material in that link that I just gave you,along with the other stuff.....
The fact that you are "spinning in circles"...is exactly why you need the face to face help of analon and your own counselor....(and, US, of course...lol)...
It is true that he might not change...and, yet, he may---down the road.
You have to prepare yourself to live your own life, if he doesn't....
Hey....you can send the lists to him, in my opinion, if you want to. Just be aware that he may not act on them. Nothing that you do or don't do is going to ignite him, if he is not ready to take the steps....except, maybe, getting out of his way....
but, if it makes you feel better to send the stuff...have at it.
If it were me (lol...and it isn't)....I would print out the material in that link that I just gave you,along with the other stuff.....
The fact that you are "spinning in circles"...is exactly why you need the face to face help of analon and your own counselor....(and, US, of course...lol)...
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