New here...feeling helpless
I'm just scared he won't take care of it without a little push from me.
but you did, YEARS ago. and......
I told him this time that he has to take the initiative. A couple years ago I printed out lists of AA meetimgs as well as substance abuse counselors on our insurance and he never did anything with it. His turn. He has to care enough to take care of it.
it's not that hard to type two A's into the google.........you can't watch TV for long without some type of addiction hotline coming on. he KNOWS what to do...........he's just not DOING it. it isn't that important to HIM.
but you did, YEARS ago. and......
I told him this time that he has to take the initiative. A couple years ago I printed out lists of AA meetimgs as well as substance abuse counselors on our insurance and he never did anything with it. His turn. He has to care enough to take care of it.
it's not that hard to type two A's into the google.........you can't watch TV for long without some type of addiction hotline coming on. he KNOWS what to do...........he's just not DOING it. it isn't that important to HIM.
Afraid that he won't take the initiative to find places to go, afraid he won't change, afraid I'm wasting time if he doesn't get started and I just spin in circles.
He is in no way physcially abusive. I'm just scared he won't take care of it without a little push from me. Sending him the link to counselors in our area specializing in alcohol abuse, sending him the AA website for locations and times for meetings...that type of stuff.
He is in no way physcially abusive. I'm just scared he won't take care of it without a little push from me. Sending him the link to counselors in our area specializing in alcohol abuse, sending him the AA website for locations and times for meetings...that type of stuff.
why are you afraid he wont change?
why are you afraid your wasting time?
why are you afraid he wont get help without a push( has a push helped before?)
And I don't want someone in my life or my kids' lives who is so weak he can't say no or admit something is wrong.
Herein lies the answer.
You can't change him but you can choose a healthier life for you & the kids. There is support here for you should you need it.
Regards
Rosie
Herein lies the answer.
You can't change him but you can choose a healthier life for you & the kids. There is support here for you should you need it.
Regards
Rosie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks. You're right. All of these things are on my mind. He said he doesn't want to lose us and will get help and is willing to change for us. I'm just not sure how much I believe. I'm also not sure how much time I should give him. I told him this time that he has to take the initiative. A couple years ago I printed out lists of AA meetimgs as well as substance abuse counselors on our insurance and he never did anything with it. His turn. He has to care enough to take care of it.
I'm not sure how much time I give him though. He will be fine not drinking for a couple of weeks but then what? Sadly, I already find myself looking for houses for my children and me and budgeting as a single mom. How long do I wait??? He seems more receptive than ever right now and has actually seemed to listen more to me and take me seriously for once so I feel like I need to give him time to heal/get treatment. I told him this is the last time we run this cycle again.
I'm not sure how much time I give him though. He will be fine not drinking for a couple of weeks but then what? Sadly, I already find myself looking for houses for my children and me and budgeting as a single mom. How long do I wait??? He seems more receptive than ever right now and has actually seemed to listen more to me and take me seriously for once so I feel like I need to give him time to heal/get treatment. I told him this is the last time we run this cycle again.
For me, leaving was the best choice I have ever made in my life. That doesn't mean it is the right choice for everyone.
(I also tried to find resources for my now-ex husband to get help. He told me he knew he had a problem but he was not going to do anything about it. It sounds like my ex was putting into words the same thing that your husband is showing through his actions, or lack of actions).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You mentioned earlier that your husband is hesitant to seek help because he's worried that people at his workplace will learn that he has a drinking problem. If he doesn't stop drinking, they will definitely find out that he has a drinking problem. From what I have experienced in my own life, functional alcoholics don't stay functional forever. It would be far better if his colleagues learned about his drinking problem in the context of his attempts to get help, rather than learning about it because it's becoming more and more apparent at work that something's wrong with him.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
As for how long you wait - how long do you want to wait living the way you do now? You have the right to leave tomorrow, if you choose, or to give it another year, if you choose. Ask yourself "how much longer can I tolerate living the way I am living today?", not "how long should I give my husband to get sober?".
You mentioned earlier that your husband is hesitant to seek help because he's worried that people at his workplace will learn that he has a drinking problem. If he doesn't stop drinking, they will definitely find out that he has a drinking problem. From what I have experienced in my own life, functional alcoholics don't stay functional forever. It would be far better if his colleagues learned about his drinking problem in the context of his attempts to get help, rather than learning about it because it's becoming more and more apparent at work that something's wrong with him.
I would certainly agree w/Sasha that when his alcoholism comes out into the open (and it is a matter of WHEN, not IF), it would be far better if it's b/c he's acknowledged the issue and is taking action rather than that he denies the problem and is continuing to try to hide it.
Yep, they are ALL functional--until they aren't...
I can only say that once I decided to be open and honest about my XAH's addiction, MY OWN life got lots better. I was so busy covering for him that I isolated myself and had no support for me and my own children.
I don't know your faith base, but if you have faith you may try to find a Celebrate Recovery meeting for yourself. Many have childcare, ours is free. It helped me so much, combined with therapy, and the fine people here at SR.
Addiction is out there. It's everywhere. If you (or he) cower in shame, it will put up all sorts of roadblocks from getting the help you need.
I would say his openness is coming from him seeing that you are very close to being at a decision on this soon. I would encourage you to make some firm boundaries for yourself.
You can certainly see an attorney, many times for free, to just get a feel for the situation. They are going to be familiar w/the judges in your area, and how those judges treat alcoholism in a custody dispute.
Gentle hugs.
I don't know your faith base, but if you have faith you may try to find a Celebrate Recovery meeting for yourself. Many have childcare, ours is free. It helped me so much, combined with therapy, and the fine people here at SR.
Addiction is out there. It's everywhere. If you (or he) cower in shame, it will put up all sorts of roadblocks from getting the help you need.
I would say his openness is coming from him seeing that you are very close to being at a decision on this soon. I would encourage you to make some firm boundaries for yourself.
You can certainly see an attorney, many times for free, to just get a feel for the situation. They are going to be familiar w/the judges in your area, and how those judges treat alcoholism in a custody dispute.
Gentle hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Thank you to everyone's perspective, and for being so responsive when there are so many in need on this site! Sorry I haven't written back in so long...my kids came down with stomach bugs and I have been missing work plus trying to get them healthy; it's been a crazy week and I'm exhausted.
Plus this site logs you out and won't let you log back in on your phone sometimes. I think there's a glitch. Has anyone else noticed this?
Anyways, no news. Husband hasn't had a drink this week, which is good. He's commenting on how well he's slept this week. Amazing when you're not passed out. This weekend will be interesting. Can he make it a weekend without drinking? I've honestly become numb to it all. I'm happy he hasn't had a drink but I also know he can't stick to anything for too long, so I don't trust it to last. I don't trust anything really.
I don't want to beat a dead horse, so I just wanted to check in and let people know I'm still here. I haven't decided what my next move is yet. Just living life and busy right now. I think he knows I'm pondering things. I haven't been rude or mean to him, just a little quieter than normal maybe. I just need to think. And I still need to read over the lawyer thread posted above and do some research of my own.
Thanks y'all. Really. This helps so much.
Plus this site logs you out and won't let you log back in on your phone sometimes. I think there's a glitch. Has anyone else noticed this?
Anyways, no news. Husband hasn't had a drink this week, which is good. He's commenting on how well he's slept this week. Amazing when you're not passed out. This weekend will be interesting. Can he make it a weekend without drinking? I've honestly become numb to it all. I'm happy he hasn't had a drink but I also know he can't stick to anything for too long, so I don't trust it to last. I don't trust anything really.
I don't want to beat a dead horse, so I just wanted to check in and let people know I'm still here. I haven't decided what my next move is yet. Just living life and busy right now. I think he knows I'm pondering things. I haven't been rude or mean to him, just a little quieter than normal maybe. I just need to think. And I still need to read over the lawyer thread posted above and do some research of my own.
Thanks y'all. Really. This helps so much.
Thanks for checking back in, JG. Don't feel rushed, or pressured--it takes time to make big decisions. Do the research, see what all your options are, get your feet underneath you. As the storm begins to calm, the water will clear, and you'll begin to see deeper into things.
It is always amazing to me how willing I was to settle, to accept so much less than what the world really could hold for me. XAH certainly had his good features too, or I wouldn't have stayed 20+ years. He fixed things, built things, didn't cheat on me or hit me, was emotionally present in the early years at least--but he also lied to me innumerable times and spent money that was not his to spend. And I wondered if that was "good enough", too afraid to be alone to consider life on my own.
Don't know if you've discovered this feature yet, but if you click on a member's name, over on the left-hand side of the page, you'll get a drop-down list of various choices. Among those choices are "Find more posts by Member X" and "Find All Threads Started by Member X." Using this feature to go back and read to see where someone started, what they've been through and where they are now can be a real eyeopener. It will also give you an idea of how some of us come here pretty much ready to let go and do so fairly quickly while others take much, much longer to make and/or act on their decision.
Take things at YOUR pace. You may not be 100% sure when it's time to leave (I don't think I was 100% sure until maybe a year after I was actually divorced!) but you'll be sure enough, and you'll act then.
It is always amazing to me how willing I was to settle, to accept so much less than what the world really could hold for me. XAH certainly had his good features too, or I wouldn't have stayed 20+ years. He fixed things, built things, didn't cheat on me or hit me, was emotionally present in the early years at least--but he also lied to me innumerable times and spent money that was not his to spend. And I wondered if that was "good enough", too afraid to be alone to consider life on my own.
Don't know if you've discovered this feature yet, but if you click on a member's name, over on the left-hand side of the page, you'll get a drop-down list of various choices. Among those choices are "Find more posts by Member X" and "Find All Threads Started by Member X." Using this feature to go back and read to see where someone started, what they've been through and where they are now can be a real eyeopener. It will also give you an idea of how some of us come here pretty much ready to let go and do so fairly quickly while others take much, much longer to make and/or act on their decision.
Take things at YOUR pace. You may not be 100% sure when it's time to leave (I don't think I was 100% sure until maybe a year after I was actually divorced!) but you'll be sure enough, and you'll act then.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Jeepgirl,
I have not left my AH yet because of my 3 children but I have made great progress. The children and I are in therapy. I am setting boundaries with my AH. I am rebuilding and nurturing relationships with friends and family. I am becoming whole and happy again as are my children. Our greatest wish is for him to get help
although I know in my heart that isn't likely to happen. What I do know is that I'm laying a solid foundation and that the children and I will be okay.
I reached rock bottom and reached out for help with a psychologist. It has been life altering.
I'm so sorry for all your going through.
I have not left my AH yet because of my 3 children but I have made great progress. The children and I are in therapy. I am setting boundaries with my AH. I am rebuilding and nurturing relationships with friends and family. I am becoming whole and happy again as are my children. Our greatest wish is for him to get help
although I know in my heart that isn't likely to happen. What I do know is that I'm laying a solid foundation and that the children and I will be okay.
I reached rock bottom and reached out for help with a psychologist. It has been life altering.
I'm so sorry for all your going through.
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