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Emotionally exhausted.......

Old 07-21-2017, 02:45 PM
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My emotional baggage
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Emotionally exhausted.......

So, I used to post here a lot. I just checked my account when I last checked in and it was almost exactly three years ago.

I am not sure where to start. My ExAH was drinking again.

I left him about 6 years ago after him being very, very verbally abusive for a number of years. He was drinking way too much daily. I didn't want my boys to see that as normal. The added bonus was he was a very decorated police officer. I fought for years and was finally able to prove and get him to admit he had a drinking problem. The court ordered AA, counseling, the whole nine yards.

The boys and I have had a relatively calm last couple of years. Until late last summer, early fall. I could tell something was wrong with my older son. After many, many talks he finally broke down and told me his Dad had been verbally abusing him like he used to me, over everything. That his Dada pushing him had started. But now that he had told me, he was terrified of going back. My ExAH had gas lighted the boys into believing he knew everything they said at my house. They thought the house was bugged.

He was so terrified of going to my ex's house for his weekend visits, that the school got involved, called CPS who did nothing. Never even spoke to me. Even though my older son said he would commit suicide if he had to go back. Courts finally listened after he told them that. They had ignored two early filings I has submitted saying things were going south.

Since the end of January, my older son no longer has to visit my ExAH but the courts still require my 9 year old to go for two 5 hour visits a week by himself. Even after the police had to be called to a baseball practice he was running as the coach because he was fall down drunk. The cop just told another Dad to not let him drive home because he had to go to another call before practice was over. That was in May. Even after my ExAH got a DUI coming home from an All-Stars baseball practice that started at 5:00pm. Which means he must have been drinking while watching practice. That was just last month.

He is working some sort of program with the VA now, and I think the DUI may have saved his life. He looked like he was heading for liver failure before he got arrested. Now he looks pretty healthy.

I hate the system. I have been working within it and been proved right with my accusations of his drinking over and over for the past 6 years. Yet they still keep giving him chances. I am soooo tired. For 4 of the past six years I would say I have been in the court room every other month or so for something because of his behavior. It is a joke in courtroom and with the attorneys, regarding how big the file is.

I feel broken now. He is clean for now, but I don't know how much more I can take. When are they going to decide enough is enough?

I feel so guilty that this my my children's childhood. I picked him and can deal with my consequences but I can't stand that I can't keep them safe.

Is anyone else tired of fighting? I just had to vent to the only people who really understand it.

4MyBoys
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Old 07-21-2017, 03:04 PM
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hey there stranger!! it is good to SEE you. i am sure sorry for all you continue to endure with the exah. and your precious boys. i don't want to get on a soap box about how broken the system is becoming but i can't begin to imagine the courage and strength you summon to keep fighting the good fight. you must be so, so tired.

perhaps you can "rest" here with us a spell.
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Old 07-21-2017, 03:56 PM
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i bet this is actionable... consult an attorney? just a thought...
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Old 07-21-2017, 04:03 PM
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My emotional baggage
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I did get attorney again in December. That is how I got my older son away again in January. We had court June 27th. All was told briefly and ExAH admitted to the DUI. Even though there is already a no drinking at all clause, he lost no time with my younger son. He has a DMV admin date on Aug. 8th. and we go back on the 21st of August. I don't see much changing on that date other then trying to figure out how is supposed to get his visits without his license.
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Old 07-21-2017, 04:04 PM
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My emotional baggage
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AnvilheadII, it is very nice to see some of your familiar names again. Kind of like running into old friends.
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Old 07-21-2017, 08:55 PM
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Welcome back 4my. How is your younger son reacting to the visits? Is his father treating him ok?
I find it outrageous that the courts can't put 2+2 together regarding his drinking, and his drinking and driving, not to mention coaching while under the influence. Doesn't anyone care for the children?
Please don't beat yourself up about the past. Obviously we would avoid all mistakes if we could see into the future, but you did what you thought best with the information and experience you had at the time.
I think your steadfast fight for the welfare of your children is heroic.
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Old 07-24-2017, 09:19 AM
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Hello and welcome back! It's good to hear from you.

I can only say with disgust that the family courts do nothing to protect the children of addicts. It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

My XAH just verbally abused myself and my oldest child this past weekend. It makes no sense, it's terrible, and I feel so awful for her, and even more so for my youngest who also still has to go spend time there, even though she hates it.

Sending you a big hug! You are not alone!
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Old 07-24-2017, 09:32 AM
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Howdy, 4MB! I'm so sorry to read this, it must be soooo, so exhausting for you. I admire your strength and courage to keep fighting for the kiddos - they are lucky to have you.

I have no words of wisdom, other than to offer support and hugs to you and the boys. It makes me angry to think that the system has failed to protect those children.

We are always here for you.

COD
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Old 07-24-2017, 10:31 AM
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(((higs))) welcome back!!!!
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Old 07-24-2017, 11:01 AM
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My emotional baggage
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The thing I struggle with is, I keep being told by my attorney to call the police every time he is verbally abusive to me. It is in court orders that he is not allowed to.

After all these years, you would think it would be easy now but I always second guess myself. Is this that bad? Am I overreacting, don't the police have other things to do?
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Old 07-24-2017, 11:28 AM
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What is the groups opinion of this?

How to you handle outing your A to others about their issue? I really want to out him to the football league that he is Asst. Coaching in, that he got a DUI last month. The real practices have not started yet. He looks healthy now but what if in a few weeks I am dealing the coach of a two months ago who was showing up drunk everyday to baseball practice?

How do you guys handle letting others know about your A's issue when it could affect kids?

Oh and believe me he is telling EVERYONE who will listen about what a crazy ex I am. He is so innocent, and would have the boys if it wasn't for me and my evil attorney making up lies about him. The baseball head coach told me.
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Old 07-24-2017, 11:45 AM
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The thing I struggle with is, I keep being told by my attorney to call the police every time he is verbally abusive to me. It is in court orders that he is not allowed to.

After all these years, you would think it would be easy now but I always second guess myself. Is this that bad? Am I overreacting, don't the police have other things to do?
You have hard time doing this ^ ^ ^ ^

But you want to do this………

I really want to out him to the football league that he is Asst. Coaching in, that he got a DUI last month. The real practices have not started yet. He looks healthy now but what if in a few weeks I am dealing the coach of a two months ago who was showing up drunk everyday to baseball practice?
On one hand you don’t think it’s a big enough deal to call the police when he verbal abuses you but you do think it’s a good idea to out him as an A to a sports league………………hummmm
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Old 07-24-2017, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by 4MyBoys View Post
What is the groups opinion of this?

How to you handle outing your A to others about their issue? I really want to out him to the football league that he is Asst. Coaching in, that he got a DUI last month. The real practices have not started yet. He looks healthy now but what if in a few weeks I am dealing the coach of a two months ago who was showing up drunk everyday to baseball practice?

How do you guys handle letting others know about your A's issue when it could affect kids?

Oh and believe me he is telling EVERYONE who will listen about what a crazy ex I am. He is so innocent, and would have the boys if it wasn't for me and my evil attorney making up lies about him. The baseball head coach told me.

Well, he got a DUI. That's pretty hard for a "crazy ex" to make up. If you think his drinking would pose a danger to the kids he's coaching, let the football league know about the DUI. I would rely on evidence (do you have confirmation of this DUI anywhere?) and let the evidence speak for itself rather than you trying to "interpret" your ex to third parties. So:

"Dear football league, I would like to bring to your attention that Mr X was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol on [date]. Please see attached [documentation]. I am providing this information so that you can act on it as you see fit. Sincerely, Mom".
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Old 07-24-2017, 12:15 PM
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I'm so sorry this has dragged on and affected the kids. A very big hug to you.
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Old 07-25-2017, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by 4MyBoys View Post
The thing I struggle with is, I keep being told by my attorney to call the police every time he is verbally abusive to me. It is in court orders that he is not allowed to.

After all these years, you would think it would be easy now but I always second guess myself. Is this that bad? Am I overreacting, don't the police have other things to do?
The police are THERE to enforce court orders. And court orders are good ONLY to the extent that you report violations. Believe me, police are trained to take these things seriously. If it isn't an "arrestable" violation, he won't be arrested. Still, every time you report, you are building a record--he can't later claim that some more serious incident later was a one-off aberration or misunderstanding.

Really good to see you--sorry you are still having to deal with this nonsense, but it tends to be an ongoing issue when the other parent is an alcoholic unless/until the alcoholic gets sober or the kids are out on their own.

Hugs!
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Old 07-25-2017, 12:58 PM
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((((((hugs))))) I just.... (((((hugs)))))

You are so strong, 4myboys. And I totally understand how you feel. I remember being there and I am so, very sorry that you're feeling so broken and tired. As a RA friend who was one of my supports as I was dealing with AXH used to tell me, "Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle." Hang in there, 4.
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Old 07-25-2017, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
The police are THERE to enforce court orders. And court orders are good ONLY to the extent that you report violations. Believe me, police are trained to take these things seriously. If it isn't an "arrestable" violation, he won't be arrested. Still, every time you report, you are building a record--he can't later claim that some more serious incident later was a one-off aberration or misunderstanding.

Really good to see you--sorry you are still having to deal with this nonsense, but it tends to be an ongoing issue when the other parent is an alcoholic unless/until the alcoholic gets sober or the kids are out on their own.

Hugs!
^^^ Yup! Happened with my ex. The police couldn't arrest him for DUI because the car in which he was drunk was not actually in motion at the time they arrived, but they did report and log the incident and the senior responding officer told me exactly what LexieCat said: if it happens again, the existence of this log will make it easier for them to make an arrest. He could argue that it was all a misunderstanding and he wasn't actually going to drivethe car once, but if it happens again, it's a pattern of activity and not just a one-off.

That's why I also report all of ex's crazy emails and texts and letters to the police liaison in the place where I work - so that if something really bad does go down, it's obvious that it's part of a pattern of behavior and not a momentary lapse in judgment. This was recommended to me by the police liaison.
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