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Walking away

Old 06-06-2017, 08:43 PM
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Walking away

Walking away is so much easier said than done. I am going to call him my ex now, because that is what he is. I started dating my ex almost two years ago. I had just ended a long distance relationship with someone who was almost perfect. Prior to dating my now ex, I had never experienced dating anyone with any type of alcohol or drug issues.

I honestly, don't know how I ended up where I am today. It's embarrassing almost, because part of me feels like if people knew I was dating someone with a drinking problem they would probably be like... WTH to me. I am smart, successful, and am usually the one on the looking glass looking in. I am an attorney... I never thought that I would be tricked into dating a drinker.

I met him at the end of November. It seemed like perfect timing, and he seemed pretty great since I don't know many guys that would want to go black friday shopping. He worked next door to me, and I met him through work basically. The person that I saw at work is the person that I thought he was. He seemed put together. He was nice, and the biggest thing was it wasn't long distance. It was a real relationship with someone I could see every day if I wanted to.

The first couple of months were bliss... perfect. I think in February or March... maybe even January, I started to notice that something seemed not right. I remember use to thinking, wow he drinks a lot of soda. Later, I realized it wasn't just soda it was alcohol mixed with soda.

Then, at some point... and this could even have been earlier than February, maybe even December because he lied to me. I woke up in the middle of the night and the bed was wet. I woke him up, and asked him what the hell happened. It wasn't normal. He told me that he must have knocked over this pitcher of water that was by his bed. I didn't totally believe it, but I couldn't really understand what it could be. I thought maybe sweat... and wetting the bed crossed my mind, but what adults do that.

It happened a couple more times after that, and I just didn't buy it. It didn't happen all the time. But it shouldn't be happening. Eventually he told me that sometimes, he doesn't know why, but he wets the bed. This was before I really knew he had a problem. I tried to be supportive and tell him to see a doctor. I am probably one of the most understanding people when it comes to bed wetting because I started to randomly wet my bed when I was 6 and i did it until like 5th grade (my dad was abusive towards my mom and when I stopped having visits with him for a few months is why i stopped forever... and I didn't realize until later in life that he was probably the reason for it).

Anyway, I tried to be supportive. I told him he should see a doctor. That I would go with him. I would never make fun of him for it because I know what that is like. My dad treated me like **** for wetting the bed when I was a kid. He refused to see a doctor though.

I think in March, I really started to see... okay this is a problem. Me being the fighter that I am, I was like-- okay I can help him. I thought that maybe somehow I could help. To verify... even though I knew he had a problem, I started to count his drinks. It felt like he was always drinking more than 2 drinks, sometimes 4-6. This was on work nights too.

I tried to discuss it with him, but there was no discussing. We would fight and argue (I should note he has never been physical with me- that I would never tolerate) and I would grab my stuff from him place and leave... but it was never for long. I had a hard time going more than a few days without talking to him. I really cared/ still do care, about him. I loved him. I saw the good, and just wanted to help.

This has been such an up an down and up and down constant battle. It got to the point where, I am just stressed out and frustrated all the time. I feel like since November, I've been slowly detaching myself from him. I use to sleep over during the week and then I just stopped because I couldn't handle his drinking. I also stopped because I was so fearful of him wetting the bed.

His wetting the bed, ruined any sleep I could ever get. If I slept over, even if he didn't drink a lot that day- I would wake up randomly in the middle of the night to see if the bed was wet... hoping it would not be, but at the same time not really knowing what to expect. I felt like I slept in fear. I would sleep as far away from him as possible because I did not want to wake up wet. I hated the feeling. On nights that he drank so much he would snore so loud, that it would keep me up... So I would sometimes sleep in the other bedroom. He would wake up.. and then be pissed at me for sleeping in the other room. I could never win.

I kept trying to help him though. I did so much research about drinking. Honestly, I think I stayed with him longer than I should partly because of what I read. I thought maybe if I behaved differently it would get better. But it didn't. I kept trying though because I cared for him. I saw the good, and knew to some end it was the alcohol... not him.

He had an issue with his hip last summer, something about blood circulation, which caused hip pain. When researching about effects of excessive drinking I read that it can cause people to lose circulation. Even though none of his doctor's know he drinks a lot... i wouldn't be surprised if this is a factor. I wish I could let his doctor's know... but it's not my place.

Sometime last summer I also told his parents. I felt desperate to tell someone. I was pissed and I really thought I reached the breaking point. He had promised me he wouldn't drink. I caught him drinking at his parents house though. I was so pissed that I left and on my way to leave I said... basically, I know this is not my place, but your son has a drinking problem. His mom simply replied with a "we know."

I later talked to his sister about it, since I could talk to her-- we were both the same age, and got along well. She had texted me and I told her that me and her brother broke up... she asked why and I just told her. I was tired of keeping a secret that it turns out wasn't really a secret. she told me basically the same thing. She knew.

I guess... and i can only guess, because I don't really know how long he has been having problems for-- but my guess is too long. Years. At least 3 years is my guess... but probably longer. His sister didn't know how bad it was. I told her more details than I ever told his parents. I said nothing to them about it.. they never asked. I told her about the bed wetting. I also told her about the 2-3 times I woke up in the middle of the night and he was like sleep walking, and would just like pee on the floor... it was weird. Luckily.. I haven't seen him do that since last summer... but I even took a picture to show him-- since "he doesn't remember".

I kept trying to help me... he would constantly tell me that he could control his drinking. He told me that he would drink less. He kept making promises and breaking them. He would say sorry, and I was just suppose to move on like nothing happened.

Sometimes he would say that he knows he has a problem... but he always seemed to put it as-- I am not an alcoholic... "sometimes I drink too much". He would never take any real responsibility. He would tell he he wouldn't quit drinking. I would tell him.. I am not asking for you to not drink, but not drink so much. If you can't do that though you shouldn't drink. i told him personally- I don't think you should drink. And personally... today-- I think he shouldn't be drinking period. He has no control.

Detaching from him was a gradual... slow process. At some point and I don't even know where... I realized that I couldn't help him or change him. He was the way he was-- and I was powerless. I knew for myself all along- that his drinking was a deal breaker... and I told him many times that I can't handle it and I don't want it in my life. I want my kids to have a better childhood than the one I had, and I would never marry or have kids with someone who has a drinking problem.

Like I said... i've left him and stopped talking to him so many times only to take him back again.. and try one more time... on the dumb promise that I will drink less... I have control. He would insist he has control- he can handle it.

I would ask him to got to AA or see a therapist and he would just make accuses. He didn't want anyone to know. He was afraid if his job found out that he would lose his job. He didn't want to run into people he sees at his job. And he has a public job.... both are jobs you interact with many people. I would tell him then to see a therapist and that would be confidential... but he would just make accuses.

One day one of his co-worker's who I know is like a second mother to him asked me how we were doing. I was honest with her because I felt desperate... His family seemed to just accept him the way he was. I was the only one that would "pester" him about his drinking. I told her that it wasn't good. She said that she knew he sometimes drank a lot, but didn't realize how serious. I told her his excuses with his job... an she was like that wouldn't happen. She asked me what I was going to do.. and I told her I already knew what I was going to do... it was just when. I knew I would leave him. I had to.

The end for me came the night me and him decided to go to the casino by where we live. I already told him earlier that day I didn't want him drinking. He drove us there and he parked his car. Then he opened his back door and grabbed a mason jar with his typical mix drink... (he use to do the coke and liquor and changed it to one of those sparkling drinks and alcohol.)... He pulled out the drink... I was pissed. I couldn't believe that he would even bring a drink with him. One it was just weird... it's not like this is college and you are pregaming. I was just pissed. He excused as, it's cheaper to bring this. I made him promise he wouldn't drink inside and ofcourse he did... I saw him order two drinks before i walked off and decided to just do my own thing at the casino because I didn't want to watch him drink and get pissed.

About an hour or two later, he found me, and he was clearly drunk. I could tell he drank more... how many IDK.. but i didn't want to know. I drove him home. I went in his house and go the few things I had there, and told him- I was done.

Prior to this, I had stopped bringing things over... because I was expecting to leave and not stay the night... I saw the end coming...

His drinking tormented me. I felt alone with and without him. He could be so mean when he drank... but then again even on the days when he promised to be sober... and actually was-- he could be soo mean. He could also be nice though...

I remember when we use to go recycle his bottles... I knew that ever soda can and every vitamin drink-- was a mixed drink of his. It would **** me off. It would **** me off when he would buy the drinks at the grocery store.

Since telling him I was done two Saturdays ago, I spoke to him very little. He called me the very next day and I reiterated that i just couldn't do this anymore. I told him that, if he gets sober I can spend time with him, but until then I can't be around him. I sent him a message about a good deal on some item he bought... and told him that no matter what that I still care about him. I work next door to him-- I see him when I go into the courthouse... I can't just avoid him. i can't just no see him. he can't just not see me. I forget what day... but one night he called me during the first week at like midnight... he woke me up, and I answered because i didn't know if somethin was wrong.... he was clearly drunk... and I told him I was sleeping and hung up. The next day he called me after work...and I told him again I was done...-- he then started yelling at me, and trying to tell me as many mean things as he could... I would hang up.. and he would just keep calling... My last conversation with him was 12 seconds... and I don't even remember any of it.

He did not speak to him at all last week. I did notice yesterday that I appearently missed a phone call from him on Friday.. but was glad I didn't notice it at the time.

i am not good at just not talking to him.. because there is the part of me that wants him to just wake up... and tell me all the things I want to hear when I know there will be no action...

I don't think me breaking contact with him will have any change in him to be honest. At night when I am down, I think to myself-- he is probably drinking right now and feel better about my decision. I go through ups and downs... and I need as much support as I can get, because it is hard. I think about him daily.

I've been doing Yoga for a month and I think that helped.. me pick me... and since breaking up with him i've been running and exercising almost every day. I've been spending more time with friends. I've also been a little crazy busy at work... which in a way is good.

I saw him for the first time today since we stopped talking... I tried to not look at him...and I didn't say hi or anything... I don't run into him all the time... but I will probably see him tomorrow.. and every day next week. It will be hard. I've never gone more than 3 weeks away from him... and I know this weekend will be the hardest, and the weekend after that even harder... but I know eventually it will get easier. I am not going back. Part of me thinks... he probably thinks I will go back... that I will get over being upset and just go back... and this time-- I won't let me.

i am so sick and tired of it. I can't handle his drinking... I hate it. Part of me feels sad... like if he really loved me, he would pick me over alcohol... then my brain kicks in and tells me-- it's a disease... he has no brain. Part of me also... just really thinks he doesn't care at all about my feelings, or me. I don't know if he really loves me. Part of me thinks he doesn't. Which is just a better reason to be done. I don't want to be with a person who doesn't love me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about my feelings. I've cried so many times because of him-- and I don't ever see any remorse from him.

Part of me wishes that I could just never see him again. It be so much easier if I could just move and never see him again (which is a possibility as I would love to move back to where I use to live).. but I like my job, and I want to leave because of me... not because I don't want to see my ex because it's hard...

Thank you for reading this, I would love to see any comments. It's nice being on a board where I am not alone.
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Old 06-06-2017, 09:43 PM
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I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like you're doing as much as you can. Others will chime in soon enough. But I wanted you to know that you're not alone.
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Old 06-07-2017, 12:29 AM
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I understand. I'm a scientist. Part of my job involves drugs of abuse. You just want to help them - you feel they deserve better than you just walking away from them. But what about you? What do you deserve? It has taken me 10 years to realise my husband is an alcoholic - and even now I still doubt myself at times. You don't have the ties like some of us do. I am only just realising they have to decide for themselves that there is a problem and they want to do something about it. You cant do it for them. And some of them just never have that realisation or make that conscious decision. I don't think you deserve to be part of that - you have given it your best shot. Now go look after yourself cause you deserve better!! Stay strong.
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Old 06-07-2017, 12:55 AM
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Complicated......anyone who has been through this will verify that breaking up with someone that you have bonded to and invested in, is exquisitely painful....
Everything that you describe....one, literally, goes through a grieving process....and, it doesn't just go away, overnight....
(I have been there....).....
You have done the only thing that y ou can do, unless you want a lot more pain and anguish in your life...lol...there is a saying, around here..."Let go or be dragged".....
He sounds so in denial of his disease....and, that can go on for years, or, even decades....And, he sounds like he is pretty deep into his disease, right now....

I am glad to hear that you have been educating yourself about alcoholism....and, co-dependency.....
Please---go to the "stickies" on the front page---just above the threads.
Find the one called "classic readings".....there, you will find a boot camp of information on these subjects...You won't find a better collection of readings, anywhere!

Another thought---I can't help but think the fact that your father was abusive to your mother (and you?)....must be some factor in why you have been so determined to hang on, even though he was being so mean to you....
I don't know if you have seen a therapist, but, if not, I think that you should gift yourself with that asap....you need the support and you probably have some baggage of your own to gain insight into....(we tend to repeat our patterns).....
This is the perfect time for therapy....people usually gain the greatest benefit when they are actually in crisis and hurting.....who knew?

You are doing good, for this point in time...keep it up...don't give in and think you can go back with him and "fix" anything... you can't....
It will get easier, over time....
I know that you feel like you love him...and that is o.k.....but that feeling won't be enough.....

Keep coming back...and keep learning and investing in yourself....
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Old 06-07-2017, 06:06 AM
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Hey, I'm a lawyer, too, and managed to marry another alcoholic after marrying a guy who got sober (and stayed that way). Number two almost died of drinking, and I married him after a BRIEF period of sobriety. When he went back to it, I left him after only a few months of marriage. AND then I became an alcoholic drinker, myself (now sober eight years--almost nine). So "smart" has nothing to do with it.

SMART was leaving before your life became more unmanageable than it already was. Be patient with yourself, it's only been a couple of weeks.

Incidentally, I didn't stop CARING about my second husband, either. But there was nothing I could do to help him and he had the right to live his own life. I didn't have to go down with the ship, however.
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Old 06-07-2017, 02:10 PM
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Welcome Complicated. I'm glad you found SR and hope you find it supportive.

Your A probably cares about you and your feelings as much as any alcoholic which isn't much. I see addiction as a bit of a natural disaster. It's nothing personal; it's just a tsunami bearing down on your life. Get out of the way and find a safe place. I wish it wasn't like this but it is.

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself with exercise and good friends. Please continue to be gentle with yourself at this difficult time.
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Old 06-07-2017, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by MarieCat View Post
I understand. I'm a scientist. Part of my job involves drugs of abuse. You just want to help them - you feel they deserve better than you just walking away from them. But what about you? What do you deserve? It has taken me 10 years to realise my husband is an alcoholic - and even now I still doubt myself at times. You don't have the ties like some of us do. I am only just realising they have to decide for themselves that there is a problem and they want to do something about it. You cant do it for them. And some of them just never have that realisation or make that conscious decision. I don't think you deserve to be part of that - you have given it your best shot. Now go look after yourself cause you deserve better!! Stay strong.

Thanks. The truth is I feel like our entire relationship was about him. There was no me. I know enough to put a barrier up. But it isn't easy. It's so hard when I have to see him. He is very fuctional and if you see him during the work day he is like a completely different person. When I start to miss him I think he is probably drinking another drink right now. I can't see him changing for anyone or anything.
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Old 06-07-2017, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Complicated......anyone who has been through this will verify that breaking up with someone that you have bonded to and invested in, is exquisitely painful....
Everything that you describe....one, literally, goes through a grieving process....and, it doesn't just go away, overnight....
(I have been there....).....
You have done the only thing that y ou can do, unless you want a lot more pain and anguish in your life...lol...there is a saying, around here..."Let go or be dragged".....
He sounds so in denial of his disease....and, that can go on for years, or, even decades....And, he sounds like he is pretty deep into his disease, right now....

I am glad to hear that you have been educating yourself about alcoholism....and, co-dependency.....
Please---go to the "stickies" on the front page---just above the threads.
Find the one called "classic readings".....there, you will find a boot camp of information on these subjects...You won't find a better collection of readings, anywhere!

Another thought---I can't help but think the fact that your father was abusive to your mother (and you?)....must be some factor in why you have been so determined to hang on, even though he was being so mean to you....
I don't know if you have seen a therapist, but, if not, I think that you should gift yourself with that asap....you need the support and you probably have some baggage of your own to gain insight into....(we tend to repeat our patterns).....
This is the perfect time for therapy....people usually gain the greatest benefit when they are actually in crisis and hurting.....who knew?

You are doing good, for this point in time...keep it up...don't give in and think you can go back with him and "fix" anything... you can't....
It will get easier, over time....
I know that you feel like you love him...and that is o.k.....but that feeling won't be enough.....

Keep coming back...and keep learning and investing in yourself....

I think he is so so in denial. I was too in a way though because I use to think I could fix or change him and I realize over time- I can't. It's never been easy to walk away from someone I care about but I can't do it... it's for my own survival.

I've seen therapists regarding my parents before and my relationship with both. I almost wished he was like my dad because that for me is an automatic run. But he wasn't... he never hit me or threatened to. He would get mean sometimes but I knew to some ends he never meant what he said. It was different, but still bad. I kept giving him more and more chances because I cared, loved him, and I don't think fully grasped how bad it was. I've never dated any guy with any type of alcohol or drug issues and I am not a drinker.

It's hard. He would in a way know how olto get to me. He would make me feel bad if I gave up. Made me feel like I wasn't trying when all I did was try and felt like he was making no major changes. He couldn't control his drinking even though he would claim he could. He would drink less but gen ruin it. There was never any- not drinking though. Maybe he would go a day. It was sad because when he could stay sober I was so happy of him. But he couldn't maintain it and didn't seem to try.

I started to feel that by me sticking around I was enabling him. Saying it's ok when it's not. I don't want to be in his life if this is his life. It's sad that drinking can have such a hold over a person.

I use to wish he would get a dwi so he would be forced to get help. Sorry I can tell I am rambling.
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Old 06-07-2017, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Hey, I'm a lawyer, too, and managed to marry another alcoholic after marrying a guy who got sober (and stayed that way). Number two almost died of drinking, and I married him after a BRIEF period of sobriety. When he went back to it, I left him after only a few months of marriage. AND then I became an alcoholic drinker, myself (now sober eight years--almost nine). So "smart" has nothing to do with it.

SMART was leaving before your life became more unmanageable than it already was. Be patient with yourself, it's only been a couple of weeks.

Incidentally, I didn't stop CARING about my second husband, either. But there was nothing I could do to help him and he had the right to live his own life. I didn't have to go down with the ship, however.
Glad to see another lawyer on here. I feel like in my profession I see so much drug and alcohol issues- that if anyone knew what I was dealing with they would almost look down on me for even trying.

I realize that I can't help him no matter how much I want. No ultimatum or bartering will do anything. Drinking is his choice and leaving is mine. I want better. I miss having a stable relationship. I love him and I wish one day he will do something, but I dont know if it will ever happen. My godmother was a functional alcoholic. It eventually killed her if you ask me. I wasn't as invested though and it's not like I was so involved.

Here. I can't even be his friend because I care too much. I don't want to see him drinking. I would rather pretend that maybe he is drinking less, maybe he got help, or maybe something happened where he decides to do something.
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Old 06-07-2017, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Welcome Complicated. I'm glad you found SR and hope you find it supportive.

Your A probably cares about you and your feelings as much as any alcoholic which isn't much. I see addiction as a bit of a natural disaster. It's nothing personal; it's just a tsunami bearing down on your life. Get out of the way and find a safe place. I wish it wasn't like this but it is.

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself with exercise and good friends. Please continue to be gentle with yourself at this difficult time.

I think to some end he cares... but I think he is too far gone. I think part of him thinks I won't give up and will come right back. Then again I also think that he just doesn't care if I don't accept him for him.

When he would drink excessively sometimes he would be like... I am not perfect, no one is... and make it seem like I was expecting perfection when anyone with a brain would know that's not the case. I always wondered if anyone else left him because of his drinking. I find it hard to believe that I am the first. I find it hard to believe that no other girls have taken issue with it.

I feel lucky that we live on opposite ends of town. I don't see him coming to my house. I don't see him trying because in his mind I am the one being unreasonable. I can look past him when I see him when I am working. These next few weeks will be the hardest.
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Old 06-07-2017, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
I can't help but think the fact that your father was abusive to your mother (and you?)....must be some factor in why you have been so determined to hang on, even though he was being so mean to you....
I don't know if you have seen a therapist, but, if not, I think that you should gift yourself with that asap....you need the support and you probably have some baggage of your own to gain insight into....(we tend to repeat our patterns).....

You sound quite healthy and on your way to a good life without this BF, but this part of your childhood is worth thinking more about. Like you, I was an older child bed wetter and it often signals inordinate emotional stress in the home. I know this was so for me. Perhaps this relationship can still do some good for you and lead you to work on and heal some childhood pain that keeps showing up in present day relationships. The patterns we repeat will be emotional patterns, not necessarily our going for the same type of person over and over. The characters can look very different from one another, but the emotional pattern is eerily similar.
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Old 06-07-2017, 05:28 PM
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Walking away from any relationship your invested in is hard. Even though you have to see him, I think it will get easier in time. A;though you know he has good qualities, you also know that he is not right for you, I would focus on that part even though I know it hurts to think he has this alcohol problem and is clearly in denial.

Never had to deal with bed wetting and my husband. But that just goes to show you how much the brain lies to them, because most guys would begin to suspect it might be a problem especially with your GF sleeping over.

You did the right thing, but Im sorry its so painful. Its really hard to say what, if anything, will prompt him to admit a problem and seek out some help. But it sounded like you were pretty miserable for the most part and you cant build any sort of relationship from that, even if you wanted to. At least not a healthy one. So kudos to you for looking beyond to the future you want. Knowing what we want, and knowing that we deserve to have it -help us confirm our decisions regarding those hard choices in life.
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Old 06-07-2017, 09:00 PM
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Thought you might find some comfort here. Take care of yourself


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/398830-today-i-walk-away.html
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Old 06-08-2017, 06:15 PM
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he called me yesterday

He called me yesterday and it took all that I had to not pick up the phone and answer. I knew that any conversation would upset me. He would either be down on me, act like he doesn't care (which I think he doesn't), or apologize and say all the things I want to hear-- yet there would never be any action. So I didn't pick up. It's hard, because I care about him but I know I have to stay away from him.

I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be hard. I miss him, but I don't miss his drinking. I don't miss the up and downs. I don't miss seeing him clearly intoxicated, even though he will just claim he is just tried from a long day. I am sure by this time, he is on drink number 2-4.
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Old 06-08-2017, 07:42 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Old 06-09-2017, 08:31 AM
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You go girl! You are so strong!! <3
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Old 06-12-2017, 09:17 PM
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Today was a horrible day.... I should have never answered the phone when he called.
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Old 06-12-2017, 09:21 PM
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OK, so you touched the stove and found out it's still hot.

Try to get a good night's rest. Is there any way you can block his calls?
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