Abused by possible alcoholic?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Abused by possible alcoholic?
Hi everyone... this is my second post. My first post was in-regards to a guy I was dating in whom I had questions about regarding his odd behavior. This post is in-regards to the same guy.
I recently spent the weekend with him at his house. We have only been talking for two months... every night we talked on the phone. Therefore, I didn't know him really well. I've only seen him a total of two times in person. We didn't have a title as in "dating" but just hanging out to see were things would go.
What I do know of him by talking ever night on the phone is that he has 5-6 alcoholic drinks a night... Beer and whiskey mixed with coke. I know this because he told me. This explains his odd behavior that I questioned in first post. When he would drink and either get really buzzed or drunk he would... Repeat himself.... Forget things he said... Or forget what I said... Etc.
Anyhow... The weekend with him was awkward. I felt he was being distant towards me... I was confused because he would always say how he was excited to see me... Hold me... Kiss me... That he was really into me. However, when I got to his house he seemed opposite so I questioned it and he just said nothing's changed.
The first night he drank.. Although he was an ok compromising drunk. The second night was a different story. At one point we took a bubble bath together (it was good bonding time). Yet, the last ten minutes of bath time things got weird. He pulled my legs back and forth making my face go into the water. He pulled my legs in an aggressive manner. I grabbed onto the edge of the bath tube and told him to stop 2-3 times but he pursued in pulling my legs. I was t sure what his intentions were... Was he being playful? Paws he trying drown me?? The fourth time I told him to STOP in a stern voice looking at him dead in the eyes and he stopped. He unplugged the water and told me to come over to him to give him a hug. I said... No. He asked a second time and I said... No. He then pulled my legs towards him (we're still sitting in bathtub) and he gently hugs me.. then he pulls my hair twice in an aggressive manner while saying... Not so tough now huh.
As we got out of the bathtub he got out first ... I was on my knees getting up so I asked if he could give me my towel. He grabbed my towel and threw it over my head. Total a-hole!
We ended up in his room... We were standing in front of each other and I was trying to walked past him to get my clothes but he wouldn't let me walk past him... As in... If I moved to the right, he moved to the right. If I moved to the left, he moved to the left. He then grabs both of my shoulders and shakes me in an aggressive manner. At this point I admit I was scared and intimidated by him.. I couldn't even look at him in his eyes. Therefore... In a soft tone voice I said.. Stop being a bullying .. giving him a slight smile only not to upset him.
The night followed with him performing a sexual act on me (fondling -I won't get into details).... That I didn't like or ask him to do. It hurt me. I asked him to stop 4-5 times but he wouldn't. At one point when I told him to stop he pursued in a aggressive manner. I tried wiggling my way out of the position but he had a good grip on me were I couldn't move. I believe he was turned on by seeing or hearing me in pain... He seemed to take pleasure from it.
The weekend ended with us having tension between one another. It was a awkward weekend. Also, both times I met him he accused me of being on drugs.... These are his reasons why... I was sniffling my nose wiping it with a tissue everyone and then (I had sinuses).... I supposedly was in the bathroom a lot... I don't recall being in bathroom a lot but when I was I was literally using the restroom or fixing my hair or make-up lol. The third reason is that I'm a night owl.. And when I was with him for the weekend I woke up super early due to still being on jet lag from a recent vacation I took with my family (the time zone was 3 hours ahead). I expressed all of these reasons to him and he doesn't believe me.
Our recent phone conversation was brutal. He expressed how he no longer wanted to talk or hang out due to thinking I'm drama or on drugs. I tried to stand up for myself but he wouldn't listen. He said... No matter what you say I don't believe you and I never will. I assume he was buzzed or really drunk when we talked on phone because he was really .. Really.. Really mean to me. He said a bunch of hurtful things to me on phone then hung up on me. He then texted me a handful of times with words that ripped through me... He insulted me... Called me names. Within that hour he was texting me I didn't respond back because I was so baffled by what he was saying. His words were so rude and hurtful... I was litters,y in tears. His last text reads... I'm now blocking you your the ******* walking dead to me.
So... Their you go... That's my story... Weekend from hell...
Can someone please help to give me clarity of all this. I'm confused and going through a bunch of emotions. Yet, mainly dealing with the hurtful words he said to me. I'm hoping to find some peace through all this. Was I dealing with a possible alcoholic? Was he being playful during the bathtub and other moments?? Or is he just a abusive a-hole??? I'd appreciate any feedback. Thank you
I recently spent the weekend with him at his house. We have only been talking for two months... every night we talked on the phone. Therefore, I didn't know him really well. I've only seen him a total of two times in person. We didn't have a title as in "dating" but just hanging out to see were things would go.
What I do know of him by talking ever night on the phone is that he has 5-6 alcoholic drinks a night... Beer and whiskey mixed with coke. I know this because he told me. This explains his odd behavior that I questioned in first post. When he would drink and either get really buzzed or drunk he would... Repeat himself.... Forget things he said... Or forget what I said... Etc.
Anyhow... The weekend with him was awkward. I felt he was being distant towards me... I was confused because he would always say how he was excited to see me... Hold me... Kiss me... That he was really into me. However, when I got to his house he seemed opposite so I questioned it and he just said nothing's changed.
The first night he drank.. Although he was an ok compromising drunk. The second night was a different story. At one point we took a bubble bath together (it was good bonding time). Yet, the last ten minutes of bath time things got weird. He pulled my legs back and forth making my face go into the water. He pulled my legs in an aggressive manner. I grabbed onto the edge of the bath tube and told him to stop 2-3 times but he pursued in pulling my legs. I was t sure what his intentions were... Was he being playful? Paws he trying drown me?? The fourth time I told him to STOP in a stern voice looking at him dead in the eyes and he stopped. He unplugged the water and told me to come over to him to give him a hug. I said... No. He asked a second time and I said... No. He then pulled my legs towards him (we're still sitting in bathtub) and he gently hugs me.. then he pulls my hair twice in an aggressive manner while saying... Not so tough now huh.
As we got out of the bathtub he got out first ... I was on my knees getting up so I asked if he could give me my towel. He grabbed my towel and threw it over my head. Total a-hole!
We ended up in his room... We were standing in front of each other and I was trying to walked past him to get my clothes but he wouldn't let me walk past him... As in... If I moved to the right, he moved to the right. If I moved to the left, he moved to the left. He then grabs both of my shoulders and shakes me in an aggressive manner. At this point I admit I was scared and intimidated by him.. I couldn't even look at him in his eyes. Therefore... In a soft tone voice I said.. Stop being a bullying .. giving him a slight smile only not to upset him.
The night followed with him performing a sexual act on me (fondling -I won't get into details).... That I didn't like or ask him to do. It hurt me. I asked him to stop 4-5 times but he wouldn't. At one point when I told him to stop he pursued in a aggressive manner. I tried wiggling my way out of the position but he had a good grip on me were I couldn't move. I believe he was turned on by seeing or hearing me in pain... He seemed to take pleasure from it.
The weekend ended with us having tension between one another. It was a awkward weekend. Also, both times I met him he accused me of being on drugs.... These are his reasons why... I was sniffling my nose wiping it with a tissue everyone and then (I had sinuses).... I supposedly was in the bathroom a lot... I don't recall being in bathroom a lot but when I was I was literally using the restroom or fixing my hair or make-up lol. The third reason is that I'm a night owl.. And when I was with him for the weekend I woke up super early due to still being on jet lag from a recent vacation I took with my family (the time zone was 3 hours ahead). I expressed all of these reasons to him and he doesn't believe me.
Our recent phone conversation was brutal. He expressed how he no longer wanted to talk or hang out due to thinking I'm drama or on drugs. I tried to stand up for myself but he wouldn't listen. He said... No matter what you say I don't believe you and I never will. I assume he was buzzed or really drunk when we talked on phone because he was really .. Really.. Really mean to me. He said a bunch of hurtful things to me on phone then hung up on me. He then texted me a handful of times with words that ripped through me... He insulted me... Called me names. Within that hour he was texting me I didn't respond back because I was so baffled by what he was saying. His words were so rude and hurtful... I was litters,y in tears. His last text reads... I'm now blocking you your the ******* walking dead to me.
So... Their you go... That's my story... Weekend from hell...
Can someone please help to give me clarity of all this. I'm confused and going through a bunch of emotions. Yet, mainly dealing with the hurtful words he said to me. I'm hoping to find some peace through all this. Was I dealing with a possible alcoholic? Was he being playful during the bathtub and other moments?? Or is he just a abusive a-hole??? I'd appreciate any feedback. Thank you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You were sexually assaulted. Does that make it clearer for you?
I've worked in the field of violence against women for a long time. I conduct trainings for police, prosecutors, and others in the system.
It's totally up to you whether you report this to the police. However, regardless of what you decide, I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center. Nothing that happened was your fault.
It really doesn't matter whether the guy is an alcoholic or not. He is an abuser and a rapist. And it sounds like he has a sadistic streak.
I really urge you not to talk to him again, and if he contacts you (even to apologize), you tell him not to contact you again. If he persists, you should be able to get a protective order. The rape crisis people can help with that, too.
Hugs,
I've worked in the field of violence against women for a long time. I conduct trainings for police, prosecutors, and others in the system.
It's totally up to you whether you report this to the police. However, regardless of what you decide, I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center. Nothing that happened was your fault.
It really doesn't matter whether the guy is an alcoholic or not. He is an abuser and a rapist. And it sounds like he has a sadistic streak.
I really urge you not to talk to him again, and if he contacts you (even to apologize), you tell him not to contact you again. If he persists, you should be able to get a protective order. The rape crisis people can help with that, too.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Love,
O.K. I must admit I could not read past the third paragraph of your post. ENOUGH! Who cares if this is the cause of alcohol or not. This is in the beginning of a relationship, can't imagine what a continued one would be like. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT have ANY contact with this crazy person again.
O.K. I must admit I could not read past the third paragraph of your post. ENOUGH! Who cares if this is the cause of alcohol or not. This is in the beginning of a relationship, can't imagine what a continued one would be like. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT have ANY contact with this crazy person again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Willow,
It doesnt sound playful. In the bathtub, that sounds scary and you said no and wanted to leave. No is no. And later when he was causing you pain. No is no. And causing pain and forcing someone to do something they dont want to do is abusive, assault.
I dont know if alcohol or drugs caused him to act the way he did. Was he drinking? My husband used cocaine. Im told the way it affects a person can result in sexual aggression. Its has a stimulant effect on that part of the body, along with removing psychological boundaries.
It still doesnt change the fact that he is responsible for what he did.
I can see why you called it the weekend from Hell.
It doesnt sound playful. In the bathtub, that sounds scary and you said no and wanted to leave. No is no. And later when he was causing you pain. No is no. And causing pain and forcing someone to do something they dont want to do is abusive, assault.
I dont know if alcohol or drugs caused him to act the way he did. Was he drinking? My husband used cocaine. Im told the way it affects a person can result in sexual aggression. Its has a stimulant effect on that part of the body, along with removing psychological boundaries.
It still doesnt change the fact that he is responsible for what he did.
I can see why you called it the weekend from Hell.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Just echoing everyone else - it doesn't matter whether this individual is an alcoholic or not, he's an abuser. His actions aren't because he was drinking. A few beers are not going to turn a decent person into someone who assaults you. Stay away from this loser and don't give him another chance.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Yes he was abusive. Incredibly so.
I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist, but I think I see some psychological projection here. He's having trouble with the alcohol so he accuses you of having a substance problem. He sexually assaults you and he accuses you of drama.
Block him.
both times I met him he accused me of being on drugs...
He expressed how he no longer wanted to talk or hang out due to thinking I'm drama or on drugs.
Block him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Okay. This guy is seriously scary. Report it, don't report it. Up to you.
But, do not have any more contact. Block him. Don't accept his calls or texts.
Leave this creepy, abusive a**hat in the dust.
But, do not have any more contact. Block him. Don't accept his calls or texts.
Leave this creepy, abusive a**hat in the dust.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Sweetie please don't analyze its cause. It's nothing to do with booze or not, this man sexually assaulted you and abused you (and may have even wanted to kill you if drowning you was playful to him). It's like getting raped or beaten and wondering what drove a person if they had a bad childhood or were on drugs....it doesn't matter. Only thing that matters is that someone did a series of pretty horrible things to you. He abused you. Physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually, psychologically. Doesn't matter if he was under influence.
Block his number and all contact immediately. Don't do what I do and let them explain themselves and feel bad and take them back. You just met him and he is dangerous. Like many posters said you don't have to report it unless yo want to, but please seek help for yourself as this sounds very traumatizing. Hugs
Block his number and all contact immediately. Don't do what I do and let them explain themselves and feel bad and take them back. You just met him and he is dangerous. Like many posters said you don't have to report it unless yo want to, but please seek help for yourself as this sounds very traumatizing. Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Oh man - I was scared just reading your post. I hope you're ok. You really should discuss this with someone you trust - friend, family member, counsellor.
He sounds deranged, I wouldn't go anywhere near him again and block his number.
Stay safe
He sounds deranged, I wouldn't go anywhere near him again and block his number.
Stay safe
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Can someone please help to give me clarity of all this. I'm confused and going through a bunch of emotions. Yet, mainly dealing with the hurtful words he said to me. I'm hoping to find some peace through all this. Was I dealing with a possible alcoholic? Was he being playful during the bathtub and other moments?? Or is he just a abusive a-hole??? I'd appreciate any feedback. Thank you
Whether or not alcohol abuse is involved with his odd out of the ordinary behavior it hard to tell. But even if he's an alcoholic that is no reason for that kind of behavior. Many alcoholics would never act in the manner he did.
When we say stop and they don't, that's a major issue and a sign that they don't really care about us only themselves.
I also see lots of red flags that you ignored, not blaming you that this happened but we always need to look at our own actions so that we can learn and not repeat them in the future.
Please do not contact this person again and make sure he cannot contact you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We have only been talking for two months... every night we talked on the phone. Therefore, I didn't know him really well. I've only seen him a total of two times in person.
ok, first big caution here for anyone.....after only knowing someone for such a short time, and only SEEING them in person twice, do not EVER go to their home. it's not safe. you were at his mercy.
his is violent, creepy and dangerous. do not have any further contact. don't waste time wondering WHY he did the things he did.....it doesn't matter. they happened. he assaulted you. holding your head under water, sexual assault. none of that is safe or normal.
ok, first big caution here for anyone.....after only knowing someone for such a short time, and only SEEING them in person twice, do not EVER go to their home. it's not safe. you were at his mercy.
his is violent, creepy and dangerous. do not have any further contact. don't waste time wondering WHY he did the things he did.....it doesn't matter. they happened. he assaulted you. holding your head under water, sexual assault. none of that is safe or normal.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm just gonna throw this out there, because a lot of the posts (including the first sentence of mine) could be read to imply that this is a "no-brainer". One could make the logical leap and conclude you were "dumb" for going to his house, or for not recognizing where this was headed, or for not leaving sooner.
It's easy to Monday-morning quarterback and pick out things you might have noticed but did not. And it takes many survivors time to recognize what happened to them, process it, and understand that it was an assault. Part of it is just the fear and trauma that's involved going through something like that. Your brain literally stops working in a normal way.
So I just wanted to re-emphasize that none of this was your fault. Even if you think you shouldn't have gone to his house, you didn't do that thinking you would be at risk. The fact that you knew he was a drinker was not an indicator he was likely to assault you. It's completely unrelated. You might have had a crappy weekend with someone who's an alcoholic, but you had no reason to believe he would behave as he did.
It's easy to Monday-morning quarterback and pick out things you might have noticed but did not. And it takes many survivors time to recognize what happened to them, process it, and understand that it was an assault. Part of it is just the fear and trauma that's involved going through something like that. Your brain literally stops working in a normal way.
So I just wanted to re-emphasize that none of this was your fault. Even if you think you shouldn't have gone to his house, you didn't do that thinking you would be at risk. The fact that you knew he was a drinker was not an indicator he was likely to assault you. It's completely unrelated. You might have had a crappy weekend with someone who's an alcoholic, but you had no reason to believe he would behave as he did.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon,
I am sorry for what happened to you. I hate to say that you are probably not his first and won't be his last.
I agree with all the other posters, you were assaulted. You can move on or pursue this, your choice. I am glad you are ok!!
I am sorry for what happened to you. I hate to say that you are probably not his first and won't be his last.
I agree with all the other posters, you were assaulted. You can move on or pursue this, your choice. I am glad you are ok!!
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