LLLisa

I'll take numbers 1 and 3 thanks!

RUN AWAY FROM THIS MAN NOW!

Smarie78

Lexie - Thank you for pointing this out. That is a huge support for victims. Sometimes we are trying to process what happened ourselves and we are terrified and can't even begin to understand it. I have been in abusive situations myself and often times the first thing people ask me is what was I thinking and how could I question or allow it to happen, etc. etc. What they don't always understand is that abuse is cunning and its entire purpose is to take power away from its victim. The victim doesn't always see it coming and when it happens, it is so shocking that not only do we question it as it is happening, ('he can't possibly want to hurt me, he was so sweet and well he is just drunk and doesn't know..and gosh am I blowing things out of proportion? I should be lucky he really loves me and wanted to see me, etc. etc.'), we ourselves are trying to understand what just happened to us because we are normal. We expect others to be normal toward us to. As you said, when they aren't, the brain literally does a freeze because we are being traumatized in an unexpected way.

I'm sure others just want to make sure you are safe and away from him so got excited to tell you not to even think about questioning it. But as Lexie says it was NOT your fault. You were abused and victimized and are trying to understand wtf just happened. Once you process this, hopefully with a therapist or someone you trust, you will make sense of it. Your questions running through your brain are all normal. What he did to you, and who he is, is not.

The good news is that you saw this behavior very early in the relationship so hopefully can write him off for good. The longer we stay or give 'one more chance', the longer we stay stuck.

Ariesagain

Something you might want to evaluate is why, when all your instincts were screaming at you that this guy was bad news (see your thread from early March) you not only ignored them, but put yourself in a potentially very dangerous situation by agreeing to stay at his house for a weekend...someone you had never actually met?

You need to protect and value yourself more highly, yes?

velma929

I would say, yes, there is a drug problem, but that clearly isn't the only problem.

Smarie78

I didn't read her prior post that there were flags before this. I have trouble seeing flags early on. In fact I see them, but for some reason ignore. I agree in that it's a good idea for her to evaluate why there wasn't pause. I know I've had to do that as well.

AnvilheadII

one should also review night #1 at the house with the bathtub, holding her head under water, block her movements, him not responding when she said STOP. why would someone STAY? this is when we LEAVE, as quickly and safely as possible.

this has to be a teaching point for ALL women. for anyone who begins to experience abuse. to get away from the danger IMMEDIATELY. to not let a man put hands on us and restrict our movements; for a man to bully or threaten or scare.

no matter what he SAYS, no matter how good looking, no matter how much he had to drink, or his horrid childhood. we HAVE to be SAFE. we can't want to be "loved" or "liked" so bad we overlook all the signs. no man is worth it. -i realize that is a very gender-specific statement but as i AM a woman, this is very important to me.

LexieCat

Anvil, I know you mean to be helpful, but I honestly don't think you understand how complex these situations become, how quickly they can escalate, and how confusing and frightening it can be. And it's not only co-dependents or women with low self-esteem who find themselves victimized in this way. Strong, competent women can find themselves just as paralyzed. And it's impossible to know, too, with someone acting in this kind of bizarre and frightening manner, would he might do if you grabbed your stuff and tried to walk out. This guy was blocking her path coming out of the bathroom. For all we know, she saved her life by not being confrontational.

And the important thing is, this is what the abusers COUNT on--that the victim and others (police, potential jurors) will judge the victim just as harshly and blame her, rather than the person who so skillfully put her in that position. It's a big reason why so many victims hesitate to report it, and why so many of these creeps continue their predatory behavior.

I breathe this stuff every day in my job. I know it's hard to understand. This is why we call experts who testify at trial, to explain this to jurors. NOBODY asks to be abused this way. And I know you're advocating being cautious, but it really can feel to a victim like she's being blamed.

AnvilheadII

i get that. i was IN an abusive relationship....god he was sooo cute, and when we'd be out dancing and he'd grab my hair and shake my head til i stumbled to my knees , i just thought he was being "funny". then there was the night he came home drunk, crawled in thru the window instead of the door (god knows why), pinned me down on the floor with his hands around my neck, then when he let me go and i got away he started taking swings at me, til i was on the floor, then he was kicking me across the floor.....

i should have paid attention the FIRST time he was "rough" with me. but i downplayed it. when i caught him IN BED with another woman. when he "showed" me that he didn't respect me. when he, when he, when he..........

i want willow to know how dangerous this situation is and why she should get as far away from this man as she can.

LexieCat

Right, I get that. I think we all want her to know that.

I just don't want her to feel ashamed. She didn't do anything to ask for it--any more than you did, just because you didn't leave right away.

And I know you feel the same way.

Willow0003

Thank you everyone for your comments! They have helped me in this time to make sense of it all and find some peace within. I have not done anything as in report to police.. I thought about it. Yet, didn't want to have to go through the process of it all. I just want to keep things at a peaceful state for myself oppose to what I assume would be an over whelming experience for me... with contacting the police, paperwork, examinations, the guy involved, court, attorneys, costs and whatever else. If that's how it even works?

I have yet to call my local rape crisis center. These last days I have been hit with a huge amount of depression due to guys lack of compassion towards me. Not to mention... Taking it all in of what did happen to me. I'm still trying to come to terms of the fact that I was indeed abused, threatened and sexual,y assaulted. I don't understand why he acted like that towards me?? Although, yes I know it's not my fault.

The day after it happened they guy texted me to apologize on his mean words towards me that night when we talked on the phone. He then went on to threaten me that he'll come to my house if he finds that I stole anything from his house. I'm not sure why he continues to accuse/imply these things like this towards me. I know you all advised NO CONTACT with him... Yet, at that point I was boiled with my mix of emotions so I couldn't resist in texting him back to give him a piece of my mind. I said what I had to say and left it with ... Leave me alone!!!

I think he got the point because I haven't heard back from him.

I will call that crisis number.. I really do need someone to talk to about all this. I didn't think it would effect me to a point of feeling unworthy, disgusting, disrespected, bullied... The list goes on...

To answers those comments on ... If I saw red flags earlier on with his drinking and not knowing him well enough then why spend a weekend with him? My answer is... I guess I was infatuated by this guy. He's a charmer and told me what I wanted to hear. I felt we bonded enough were our "supposedly strong connection" was enough for me to spend the weekend with him. Guess I was wrong.

To answer those comments on... When everything was happening during the time of his aggressive abusive manner towards me then why not leave quickly and safety? I was scared... Intimidated.. And afraid that if I did show any sign of leaving then he would become more aggressive and abusive towards me. Therefore, I simply went along with it all.

Again, I appreciate everyone's comments!! Thank you for being there for me

LexieCat

I'm glad you're working on processing and that you're not blaming yourself--that's huge. Yes, the legal process can be pretty daunting, so I understand why you don't want to make a formal report. I'm working right now on a project to improve the law enforcement response, and we are making great progress on that front but it's still a very individual decision whether to report.

I do urge you to follow through with the rape crisis center, though. They can hook you up with whatever you need in terms of an ear, counseling, and a safety plan in case this guy continues to contact you. The advocates I've worked with are awesome, and you will be well taken care of. There will be no pressure to make a report or to do anything you're not comfortable with.

I'm so glad you checked back in with us.

aliciagr

It can be a confusing when something like this happens. I think it is reasonable when you were in the bathtub situation for example to question is he trying to be playful and Im misunderstanding, or is he trying to drown me. Maybe it will help if I share what I experienced with my husband. He had been using cocaine and drinking during this period of time. We had a basis of normal, respectful, consensual relations. So I was actively participating but when I felt like he wasnt acting normal and was abnormally aggressive I asked him to stop. He didnt. It was hard for me to get all of it into perspective because what he did broke that level of trust I felt for him. And it happened with him twice, the second time being even more dramatic for me.

So it made me question him, but also myself, especially after I got too close to the fire a second time when I knew he was using and acting abnormal. I think because we are married and have had a strong bond what he did made me feel minimized, and it did poke at my self esteem. I feel like I have moved past it now but it did help me to talk about it in some therapy sessions, In my case, it also helped to work though it with my husband once he stopped using and began to get himself back to normal.

I think you did the right thing in telling this guy to just leave you alone. I dont know what his issues are, but I hope he keeps them to himself. Hopefully after some introspection and a little distance you will find what he did has no lasting impact on you.

Ariesagain

It's crucially important that you understand that there is NOTHING you did that excuses or invited his behavior toward you. Wondering "why he acted that way"...here's the truth: he's a dangerous and sick person. He was before he targeted you, he is now, he will be forevermore.

There is nothng about addictions that he may or may not have that gives him a pass on ANYTHING that he's done to you.

What I was tryng to say earlier and didn't very well was that you can learn from this...that you are a smart person, that you have excellent instincts, and the next time someone seems even a tiny bit sketchy to you, TRUST YOURSELF, yes?

dandylion

Willow.....I think it is a good idea to call the rape crisis center.....they can help you get set up with someone to talk to.....to help you work through your emotions.
You can ask them about making a police report.
I am not a lawyer, but, I think you can just tell them what happened....so that there is a record of it....
I have a feeling that he has done some bad stuff before and probably will again.

LexieCat

dandy,

Anything she tells them will be confidential unless she signs a release. The police would never know she contacted the rape crisis center.

There are lots of other good reasons to call them; I just don't want anyone to think that's a way for the police later to connect the dots if he does this to someone else.

dandylion

Lexie....thanks.

firebolt

I'm so glad - it's very important that you talk to someone and take care of yourself after such an event. It's traumatic and can have lasting effects and you deserve to move through it and rise above.

On this stuff:
I want to clarify that the questions aren't meant to accuse or blame you in any way. Those questions are ones we all have been asked in here. Many of us stayed in long relationships with all kinds of abuse. Those are questions we have to answer for ourselves - to help get to the roots of why we pick the people we pick, and then stay with them through unacceptable behavior. They might be further down the road for you, as I suspect you may need some targeted healing from what just happened to you first. We are here if and when you need us - Be gentile with yourself - you went through a lot!

Maudcat

I agree with Firebolt. Take care of yourself. You are worth it. As Viola Davis said in The Help, one of my faves: You are kind. You are smart. You are important. Peace.

Ladybird579

I agree with what everyone else has said and in future please get to know somone before spending the weekend with them. This man is very dangerous and it doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not. Ple ase stay away from him.

Lovebug7

I'm new here and reading your story made me cringe in fear. I'm glad you got out alive. I'm glad you wrote about it sooner rather than later, for if you choose to report it it can help your case. I hate when guys do something wrong and try to put the blame elsewhere. It hurts and it's wrong.
I'm new so I don't really have advice, as I'm also trying to learn everything in stride.