dandylion

hearthealth...O.K. ....fair enough. That just wasn't made clear in the post.....

hopeful4

HH, no one can tell you what to do or not do. We only want to see you take care of yourself and your children, and to make your environment more healthy for you.

Take care!

hearthealth

Thank you, I know a major decision will be confirmed by serving the papers within the next few days. It scares the....... out of me, second guessing, as I walk over the ravine of a new unknown life in front of us.

dandylion

hearthealth...there comes a time when you just take a deep breath...let go...and, fly!!!!!!

LexieCat

And remember, you have lots of support available to help you. Advocates, your lawyer, us. Al-Anon, too. You're not stepping off a ravine. You're escaping to freedom.

hopeful4

I understand that feeling of dread. For myself, I instantly felt much better once things had actually moved forward.

I second what Lexie said, you are not alone.

Hugs.

firebolt

Oh man, I remember this feeling all too well.

I used to think - all xabf wanted to do was argue with me...but when it came to leaving, I was more of an arguer with myself than he could've ever hoped to me.

I think the inability to move, despite all of our knowledge and lessons learned (let alone our much disregarded gut instincts) is a pretty common codie trait.

My aunt was an addictions counselor for years, and when I talked to her the first time about wanting to leave xabf, she said statistically, it takes people an average of 7 times trying to leave before they actually do leave their addict and or abuser. I, for one, am pretty much about national average there.

But please know that after I finally did leave, my ONLY regret has been not taking action the first time I told him it was the vodka or me.

hearthealth

Thank you firebolt, I have had three official leavings. I don't want another 4 attempts to make the average.

I've had those characters on my shoulders all morning. Shoo them away. The only reason to stay is for the benefits and there not that many and not those kinds of benefits.
I have decided that I do have boundaries. I have told him my boundaries. I have watched his inaction to my boundaries. I have set a timeline as of next week. I have given him more time on my boundaries then I owed him or myself. Time is near to say I am truly done.

LexieCat

Why do you need another timeline? Aren't you truly done, already? Cut this too close and the window of opportunity CLOSES, for several weeks, correct?

You're actually readier than you think you are.

hearthealth

The time line is more about when he gets served now. I don't want him home alone with the children when he gets served. I don't know exactly when he'll be home.

LexieCat

Why not have him served at work? You know where he's working now, right? Are you getting the protective order? That was your original plan, if I remember right.

hearthealth

I was actually going to post a question about husband's potential depression before another thread. I did bring up his appearance of depression to him about two weeks ago. What if part of his problem is depression? He needs to fix that himself too.

LexieCat

What if he IS depressed? Not your problem to fix, any more than are his alcoholism or his abusive behavior. As long as he drinks, his depression, if any, will be impossible to treat. So it still comes back to that.

He's an adult, and can find his own treatment program and mental health care if he decides he's sick of feeling like crap.

dandylion

Hearthealth....alcohol is, in itself, depressant. It would be hard to tell how much would be from drinking and other possible types of depression....if that were to be the case...
It is treatable....

hearthealth

I had a good talk with H today. The first good talk in weeks. I don't know though if he was really taking in what I was saying. I guess only time will tell. Maybe he was minimizing my needs. I don't think he knows how dissatified I am in this marriage. I guess this week he'll understand. I just hope I'm not making a big mistake in my choice. I know the past I don't know the future.

SparkleKitty

Can one good talk one day really balance out years of dissatisfaction, drinking, and abuse?

The unknown is always frightening. For me, what's more frightening would be signing on for many more years of exactly the same unhappiness.

atalose

What are the laws regarding divorce in your state? I know in my state an 18 month separation was required prior to divorce. And in that separation period I came to see that in fact I was making the right decision for my children and myself.

LexieCat

Oh, please. He has been treating you and the kids like crap for years and years. He is NOT suddenly hearing you and willing to change.

Here's what it looks like to me, as an outsider, based ONLY on what you've posted. Every time you come close to taking an action that will get you and the kids free, something "comes up"--the lawyer didn't listen to you, there's a long wait for a court hearing, he's leaving for a work trip, he seems "depressed" so maybe that's really the problem, he had a reasonable conversation with you. It really seems to me you are grasping at ANYTHING to avoid taking that final step.

Yes, your life will change once you file. Some of it will be scary, but none of it is anything you can't handle. And living with this constant abuse is wearing you down. Re-read your threads. Every time you've had a shred of hope he might be "getting it," he does something else appalling.

He doesn't "get it" and he doesn't WANT to get it. He wants YOU to keep holding the fort, taking care of things, while he does what he wants. And anytime you or the kids displeases him, there will be hell to pay.

Please, decided that you and the kids are worth the effort to get free of this.

dandylion

Hearthealth.....do the tried and true method of writing the very worst things that have brought you to this point, on a piece of paper. Keeping it with you at all times....and, reading it every time you feel weak in the knees. You may have to read it a dozen times a day....
That helps you keep the real reality of the past, firmly in mind.....

I. also, encourage you to re-read your threads.......It really helps to counteract selective recall....

hearthealth

Thank you Lexie and everyone else. It's not that I'm backing down. It's that the mind keeps spinning about all this tidbits. I'm mentioning the 1% pot concerns but I'm not forgetting the 99% that he has treated us like crap.

He hasn't gotten it and I've given him Almost three years more of my life.