HURTINGDINA

It has been a month since my husband left me and boys after getting sober. I want to get away, I want to disappear. Since we share same ph acct. I found outhe is calling "Alternate websites that promote nude massage/meditation or sexual acts. [in our town]. I can't breathe.

SparkleKitty

Can you un-share your account? It's hard to heal when your wounds are constantly being reopened...

honeypig

Breathe. And separate the phone accounts.

You will be OK.

MicroMacro

Is it a good idea to look into the details of his calls?

dandylion

Hurting....I know that this feels like the worst time in your life....
I think that all of us have been there...maybe, more than once....if we have lived long enough....
The mourning process is a kalediscope of emotions...sadness, anger, confusion, depression, etc.....
We can only assure you that, in time, it will not feel like this....
You are still in the early stages...which is really hard...
(I call it the "active bleeding" stage....
don't fight the emotions....you need to express them....in support group, with your own counselor, Here on SR....and writing them on paper and destroying the paper, doing the wailing wall exercise....talking only to those who truly understand....Cry as often as you need to...
All of this helps....

As much as you ae hurting, now...you are going to be o.k.

HURTINGDINA

I don't know. He told boys he blames me for his drinking. and won't come back because being married to me will make him relapse. I don't know what to do with the info. Confront him later on. Still an a-hole, dry drunk sober

Ariesagain

That's one schmancy way to say massage parlor...

I'm sorry. This sucks. Can you figure out a way to distract yourself? A day in a hotel with room service and a great book? An interest you've always wanted to explore? A class to take?

I'm a big fan of destraction when the only real cure is time. Just because time has to pass in order to heal doesn't mean you need to think about it every minute of it.

Sending you a hug.

SparkleKitty

Yup. Pretty much.

You don't have to do anything with the info. It's just noise. Blame-shifting. Someone embracing recovery embraces responsibilities for the consequences of the choices they made. On top of that, bad-mouthing their mother to your boys is the act of a self-obsessed cowardly jerk. But you know, confronting him with his own words will just reinforce his delusion. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go like the hot air that it is.

You deserve better.

HURTINGDINA

and i pathetically still love him.
I am frozen in place

SparkleKitty

The first and best thing you can do for yourself is to stop beating yourself up for how you feel. How we talk to ourselves is incredibly powerful. You are a human being worthy of love, respect, and acceptance. First and foremost, from yourself.

honeypig

What will the confrontation do for you? Do you think you can force him to see "the truth" from your point of view? You know what is true and what is not, and that is what is important.

I like this from Ariesagain. It's so true--why give him free rent in your head? You may be powerless over him and his drinking/lying/whatever, but you certainly are not helpless, and there IS a difference.

Another member here recently posted this nugget of wisdom:
You don’t need answers or explanations to find closure. No matter what the loss, the closure comes from inside of you, not from him.

Hope you can take it to heart.

Ariesagain

Get moving? Sometimes moving your feet and breathing outside air is the only thing you can do and for me, being out in nature helps remind me that in the span of time and space, one self-centered asshat doesn't mean squat.

Is that cutie in your avatar your pup? Walk! The dog will be so happy and that will make you feel a tiny bit better. Dogs and cats understand living in the moment better than we do and it's a great lesson to learn.

Sending you a hug.

P.S. You realize he's going to crash and burn with the new distraction, right? This is a relapse waiting to happen.

atalose

I wouldn't confront him, why, so that you can get more blame that some how it's your fault.

Don't give him any more bullets for the gun he shoots you with.

Separate the account and realize he's not doing any kind of recovery so really nothing has change, has it?

dandylion

HURTING.....we are not telling you to stop loving him, If that is what you feel,,,that is what you feel. All feelings are valid. It is just that we have to decide how we manage them.

We don't always get to keep those that we love. Sometimes, the love is so destructive and painful for us, that we have to love from a distance.

another fact...Feelings can change, over time...and, often do...

fact number three.....It is possible to confuse love with other emotions...like familiarity, and security.....
Just because we feel pain in the absence of another, doesn't necessarily mean love in the sense we actually think of it.....

Whatever we feel and whatever we call it....none of it is enough to make a toxic relationship to work....to allow us to thrive, in life.....

HURTINGDINA

Everyone has had wonderful and insightful comments and suggestions.
Thank you from deep in my heart.

I cried with the puppies for a bit. One sleeps on that cheating, lying chit's side of the bed all the time. Must miss him, that is pretty sad.

I am affirming....because my words and thoughts are powerful {thank you**

I went to the gym, did the treadmill on my highest speed so far and used 3 arm machines {first time**. I was exhausted and but so pleased with myself.

I am so grateful for this site and all of you . "We" turned this day around!

teatreeoil007

I am glad this day turned out better than it started for you....well done!

FeelingGreat

Dina, you go kill that treadmill! I'm not sure how old the boys are, but they will work things out for themselves eventually, and it won't be to his credit.
A puppy on the other side of the bed sounds like a much better arrangement that the one you had.
It is going to get better, much better, you know.

Ariesagain

Your puppy may just be saying that's his place now!

Good for you, no GREAT for you in taking your day back!! That's amazing. Every time you do that you retrain your brain to understand you can move on.

There will come a day when you will begin to see how this has liberated you from his toxic influence on your so-precious life. No more dancing to his moods, no more eggshells.

Sending you admiring applause and a big hug.

dandylion

Dina.....I once read that dogs use sleeping spaces as their measure of status in the pack. You are the pack leader...so, you have the highest status space. The space closest to you is the next most desirable higher order. Dogs will be very competitive with each other over sleeping status/space...
So, based on that....lol....don't project too much of your human emotion onto the dog....as, the dog is probably just glad to have his former space......lol....

Maudcat

I think dogs just like beds because they are comfy. Hang in there. Be sad, but keep going forward. Eventually you will be far ahead of the lying, drinking chucklehead.