Ladybird579

My thought is what if the divorce is the motivating factor to change his spots?

If it is you will have done him a favor. However it won't be. This man shows no signs whatsoever of wanting recovery or caring what his actions have done to you or your children.. You said yourself he was condescending towards you with no self reflection.

I'd use his 700 mile distance to get out of there.

dandylion

Hearthealth....I agree with Ladybird. If he were to get sober....then, good for him.
"Changing spots" is one of the hardest things for humans and leopards to do...
It take time....diligence....dedication....

His "no self reflection" is a huge red flag, I think....it implies no insight....and, lack of insight weighs heavily against human change.....

My suggestion....guard against future tripping....
Stay in your present and deal with the issues presented to you, here, today.....

hearthealth

My busy week is almost done. I was going to have him served next week. Now I hear he has six weeks of out of town job sites. He won't be home for three straight weeks. I won't even know where he will be staying or where he will be at during any given time.

LexieCat

Presumably his job can give you those details, can't they? Or how about serving him before he leaves? When I was afraid my second husband was getting ready to move to Africa (where his sister lives), I got my papers filed and hired a private investigator to make sure he was served immediately. All they needed was the address and a photo so they could be sure who they were serving.

Check with your lawyer about your options. Presumably he'll have some ideas.

dandylion

hearthealth....that was my first thought, also...why not have him served now.
Probably, no time is going to feel absolutely "perfect".....

I remember one time, when I was going to take a splinter out of my daughter's finger...lol... She was really scared that it was going to hurt...
So, she used every stalling tactic she could think of....
"I need a drink of water...then, "I have to go to the bathroom"...then.."I want to get my blanket"....then..."Lets wait till tonight"....then.....

I am not, necessarily, saying that you are deliberately stalling....but, I know that it is human nature to put off those things that we are loath to do.....

hearthealth

Back history, he blamed me, one of his points of contention last time was I tried to have him served at work and they wouldn't offer the information. That wasn't how it was suppose to go down he was suppose to be served at some hearing but I didn't know they cancelled that hearing.
He works in gated resticted areas locked parking lots. I won't even know when he's at the hotel or which hotel he's at and it's 1300 miles away. I'll have to do it before he leaves just wasn't my plan B

dandylion

I understand. Well....lol...isn't that why we have the plan B...in case that plan A doesn't work out how we planned?

hearthealth

Yes, but my husband laughs at me because I always need a plan C or even D.

LexieCat

Let him laugh all he wants. It's YOUR plan, not his.

I'd work on getting him served before he leaves town.

hearthealth

So I was reading another post and a comment was made on the other post about not working out the relationship and being a coward. The counselor doesn't think the children need to return until after the divorce is made known. They seem fine though he doesn't see the behind the scene and the influence I play in that well adjustment. H also had drank alot less recently and he states it la because he's been too tired. We still have our marriage issues mainly because he does not change.

dandylion

hearthealth...may I suggest.....that you write down the top, most compelling reason for needing to file, in the first place...carry it with you at all times. Read it several times a day and when you find yourself getting weak in the knees.
You need to do this to keep your HEAD in charge...as your heart will sabotage you....your heart cannot be trusted, right now. LOL..it is what got you in trouble, in the first place......

LexieCat

So you are reconsidering because of ONE POST that takes a view in direct opposition to the views of the overwhelming majority of people on this forum with hard-won experience with alcoholics and abusers? There is nothing "courageous" about continuing to subject yourself and your children to his drunken abuse. You have BEEN courageous. You have survived. Hopefully your kids are not too damaged (but they HAVE been hurt--repeatedly--by him).

Ever hear the expression that "discretion is the better part of valor"? You can't WIN this battle. You win only by saving yourself and your children.

It seems to me you are grasping at straws to avoid doing what you've repeatedly concluded you must do.

I think once you DO it (and get over the initial shock of having done it), your life (and your kids' lives) will become much, much more peaceful. I'd suggest reading some of those threads--not the ones who accuse someone who protects herself and her family of "cowardice."

LexieCat

Hey, folks, I don't have the ability to research right now, but can someone post links to some of the success stories here about life after leaving? Maybe starting with newbeginings's?

dandylion

When you go forward
You will be glad
if you go backward
you will be sad (again)

by dandylion

dandylion

You have brains in your head
and you have feet in your shoes
You can direct them any way that you choose

by Dr. Seuss

DesertEyes

Here's a few, including newbeginings16:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

Mike

hearthealth

Thank you. I have two 'perfect' examples which occurred within the last 12 hours pertaining to the children. I called the counselor that things may appear fine in the office but the home enviromment is not right. I dont want the children's lack of talking to effect the need when what I know is wrong.

dandylion

Hearthealth....I think that you should give the counselor more credit for knowing what she is doing.....Obviously, this is not her first rodeo....
I an sure she knows that the home has conflict...or, likely the kids wouldn't even be there....
She is there to help the kids...not to pump them for info or to vilify either parent or to just gather information for court.
You can't direct the therapy or push for your own goals.
(true, she may ask you for historic information, etc., but that is to be used as background for her to understand the kids)....
It takes time for kids to trust...and, they will verbalize only what they feel safe doing when they feel like it....
Try not to try to control the kids therapy or to hover over it....it is of no help to anybody.
Remember that they are not there to carry your water. You are responsible for doing that.

I am not trying to criticize...but, I think that we can want to control things so much that we lose perspective.....

Ladybird579

I called the counselor that things may appear fine in the office but the home enviromment is not right. I dont want the children's lack of talking to effect the need when what I know is wrong.

I am not getting why they have to say anything to prove anything. YOU are the parent. You know what is going on. Involving them is just causing stress to them. Reading your post above I think you have cold feet and are looking for excuses to back out. It's OK to be scared but do you honestly think staying with him is in anyone's interest given how he is?

The poster who thinks it is cowardly to leave may view things differently in time. Personally I think its cowardly to stay. It easier to stay and not change and keep doing the same old same old making excuses for them and ourselves for years. Change is brave. Change means new things and new challenges. Also you have worked on the relationship but it takes two to tango and he is not working back and never will.

hearthealth

The information I gave the counselor was about the children's behavior and had nothing to do with father.