dandylion

Even if he DID want you back...what would you gain by rushing back into a burning house?

Ituvia

Nothing. I know after reading so much and thinking so much that going to "couple of AA meetings" is not going to help and he really isn't ready for it. I just know it.

dandylion

Exactly. go with what you know!

Ituvia

Gave him his stuff back and also a gift he gave me last year for my birthday. He was drunk when I saw him and was driving around. Broke my heart to see him like that. All the talk of him going to AA meetings are sh*t of course He looked so weak and eyes were bloodshot and also looked like he was crying. I know I can't do anything to help and it makes me even more sad. He called me pathetic for returning his gift

SparkleKitty

And he's what, some sort of drunk driving bastion of dignity?

I'm glad this chapter of "stuff" between you is behind you.

LexieCat

Good for you. Now, time to close this chapter and move on to one that's about YOU.

Ituvia

I guess there's nothing more he would call me about. I guess that's a relief. Just seeing him brought back so many memories. I can't believe he STILL thinks he is under control. I used to love single malt before but after this, I don't want to think about alcohol ever again. I hate everything about it.

Ituvia

After Saturday, he hasn't called. While part of me is relieved, part of me is still holding out hope that he'd get better and come back in six months. I attended another al-anon, cried and cried I also feel like I have no lid on my emotions and I am crying and telling my story to anyone that'd listen. even people I barely know. I have no idea what to decide.

FeelingGreat

No need to decide anything Ituvia. Seeing him has freshened your grief, but you're well on your way to a better life.
He brought out the worst in you. Do you really want to be that person?

Ituvia

No, I don't. I am trying to get better but this sudden "missing him" and seeing him move on hurts me more. He is in a different building at work and I see him online on IM and I don't get any pings. We started talking on IM before we started seeing each other and now nothing. I just had a breakdown at work, ran into the loo and cried.

dandylion

Ituvia....you are in the early part of grieving....This kind of crying is normal and natural. As I have said to you, many times....grieving takes weeks to months (on average)....there is no way around it---only through it.
It is like the tide...it comes in waves...and...becomes less and less frequent over time....until one is finally, healed....
When I was goin through it...I cried oceans of tears....(and a lot of time, in the bathroom)....
I actually planned a "grieving time", ever night...after the kids were in bed.
I lit candles, put on "Purple Rain" by Prince...and let the tears flow...
Just because there is pain, doesn't mean that you have done the wrong thing....

Grieving is the first step of healing.

dandylion

If you go Forward
YOU will be glad
If you go backward
you will stay sad

by dandylion

Bird615

I've found that the more I can let myself feel the sadness when it comes and not fight it, the sooner I was able to move through it. It does come and go in waves, so I would just take a breath and dive right in. I've done that with any sort of grief.

I've felt that kind of pain -- crying at work and having to go home because I was too devastated and upset to get anything done. I can tell you that as I let go over the following weeks and months, I found acceptance and worked on making the best of things. Then I began to see that I was now free for something better.

dandylion

^^^^^^exactly^^^^^^^

Ituvia

The thing is I have not accepted that it's over. How do I accept that's it's over? Why am I still hoping and crying?

dandylion

Ituvia....acceotance is one of the last stages of grieving...if not the actual final stage....
You are not even close to the end of the grieving...you are still in the early part....

Let me ask you a question, if I may....
When you as "why?"...is that a rhetorical question...or just a statement?
If you are making the statement: "I am still hoping and crying"....well, that is normal and understandable for the stag e you are in.
If you want an explanation of that...if you really want to know the "why"...well, I can tell you that my fingers used to be very long....now, they are tiny and short, because in the almost ten thousand posts that I have made, here, I have attempted to answer that question to hundreds of grieving, heartbroken people....answered it from a biological explanation, from a sociological angle, from a psychological angle.....
And, you know what....I have not ever h ad a single person say that knowing the "why" helped, while they were in the middle of the grief.....

It will hurt and you will still hope until you get further along in the grieving/healing. It just hurts. It just does.
It won't stop just because you want it to...it will stop in it's own time....
You job is to go on living while you are healing.....

Ituvia

Dandylion, you know I spoke to his childhood friend by accident and he says XABF used to do smack in college(got kicked out when the dean found out) and continued to abuse alcohol. He also did Acid when I was out of town when we first started seeing each other. I think he has addictive tendencies towards anything and everything and finally settled for the legal drug(Alcohol). I am baffled that I didn't see this. It's like anything goes for him. Maybe he has deeper emotional issues than addiction. He started drinking at the age of 16 *gasp*

dandylion

Ituvia....I can see, and understand that this kind of information may be hard for you to wrap your mind around.
When one begins using substances at an early age..it can become so ingrained to use those substances to cope with emotions of all kinds...then, of course when addiction is "triggered".....it becomes a very powerful force within the individual.....
Addicts can be very stealth in hiding their addictions if they want to...or, need to...
It can be very hard to identify other pathologies as long as the addictions are clouding the picture....although it is estimated that many addicts have other issues, also.....

Ituvia

I think so too. He has deep seated issues and since his father was an alcoholic, he has genetic predisposition to addiction as well. I asked myself if I'm 100% certain he never did any OTHER drug while he was with me and If I have to be honest wit myself, I can't say for sure. I don't think his issues will go away until he addresses the emotional problems and it may take years. Years I don't have. I have to live for myself now and I think I am getting closer to seeing the truth. Hard as it maybe, it's the truth nonetheless. Thanks for being patient with me. I am fine now but I may go back in my grieving stage and I'd need you all to help me take this one day at a time.

dandylion

Ituvia....you are encouraged to post at any time you want to...not just when you need help with grieving.
It is pretty much guranteeed that whatever you are feeling or thinking....there is somebody else, on the forum that is going through the same...or has been through the same...
This is how we help each other....
By the way, just so you k now....if you look at the very bottom of the main page,,,it tells how many people are on the forum and how many are reading the forum, at any given time...
I have seen as many as more that 200 people reading this forum!
This forum really reaches a lot of people!