Letting go and acceptance
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Ituvia, I know it may not make sense to you now, but as you begin putting the focus more on you and less on him, you will notice how he sounds or what he says will stop mattering so much to you. Right now the tone of his voice, his words and actions are all you can think about. That is normal for someone who is enmeshed with an alcoholic. But as you learn to detach, you will notice that your mind will move away from focusing on every thing he does. It does take time but it feels so good to not have to constantly think and react to everything they say and do. Distance helps facilitate this. The more distance you can put between you and him, the more you can refrain from asking others about him, the sooner you can heal. Have you read anything about detachment and enmeshment? There is a good sticky about this I believe. It is what helped me the most. Learning how to detach. How to stop obsessing. You can do this. Glad you are here. Keep reading here. Read other's threads on detaching. Lots of support here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Originally Posted by Ituvia 
I slipped and asked his friend if he attended the meetings and he said he attended 30 minutes and went to drinking and called an AA member claiming he drank and that he is feeling guilty. In between all of this, he messaged me saying he wants to send movers and packers. I texted back saying I don't have time for this now and once I settle at my new place, he can send them to take the stuff away. Even though all my money went into the common pool, he still thinks he owns everything. I don't even want to bring up how much I've spent on everything including two international trips. His messages are so cold and disconnected. Like he has turned off any emotion at all for me. Is this an alcoholic thing or a guy thing? I also told him not to contact me and that I am leading a peaceful life. he replied saying , "Cool, I am trying best not to contact you but you need to make the transition smooth". I don't know what transition he is talking about. His behaviour makes no f*king sense.
It sounds like you need to separate your possessions before you can truly go no contact. Of course the sooner the better.
Stringing those no contact days together is the best way to calculate your own healing. Some days will be worse than others. Y
You can do it lady. Keep breathing, stepping forward and posting!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ituvia....it seems like you waffle between not wanting the stuff....and, wanting to keep the stuff.
I suspect the waffling about the material things is symbolic of the ambivalence you feel about leaving the relationship....
If you make a decision...and follow through with it....this will become easier on you.
(remember that grieving takes weeks to months)......even when you have made the right decision.....
In other words...we have to be willing to go through the short term pain to get to the long term gain.
I suspect the waffling about the material things is symbolic of the ambivalence you feel about leaving the relationship....
If you make a decision...and follow through with it....this will become easier on you.
(remember that grieving takes weeks to months)......even when you have made the right decision.....
In other words...we have to be willing to go through the short term pain to get to the long term gain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
"Cool, I am trying best not to contact you but you need to make the transition smooth". I don't know what transition he is talking about. His behaviour makes no f*king sense.
I texted back saying I don't have time for this now and once I settle at my new place, he can send them to take the stuff away.
When are you moving into your own place?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
[ focus on how you feel and accepting that he is not the fix to your hurt feelings and sense of a broken heart………he’s the cause of it.[/QUOTE]
Omg! How this resonates with me. I had taken some positive steps in caring for myself.
Last night and today the chest pain is back. I feel paralyzed. I had not seen him in 5 weeks, no contact whatsover (his doing). I saw him for the first time in our first family counseling session. He flat out told counselor he is divorcing me(after going to AA for 6 mos) said this is the first time he has had clarity in years and I am the cause of his drinking, and staying with me will cause him to relapse.
26 years together and he throws me away like trash after getting sober. He also has a gf (he denies) I assume that is why he wouldn't even look at me. He said he has already moved on and I better move on too. He was cold, indifferent. (those of you who know my story, pardon my indulgence for re-sharing some facts)
He moved out while I was at work. I am having a really bad weekend.
Feeling like chit, no Alanon tonight.
damnn him!!! I am giving him back the power to hurt me.
I am sorry you are feeling bad. I guess its one step forward, 2 steps back. I try not to pump the kids for info when they see him (infrequently) but that is so hard. Codependency blows!!
Thanks for listening
Omg! How this resonates with me. I had taken some positive steps in caring for myself.
Last night and today the chest pain is back. I feel paralyzed. I had not seen him in 5 weeks, no contact whatsover (his doing). I saw him for the first time in our first family counseling session. He flat out told counselor he is divorcing me(after going to AA for 6 mos) said this is the first time he has had clarity in years and I am the cause of his drinking, and staying with me will cause him to relapse.
26 years together and he throws me away like trash after getting sober. He also has a gf (he denies) I assume that is why he wouldn't even look at me. He said he has already moved on and I better move on too. He was cold, indifferent. (those of you who know my story, pardon my indulgence for re-sharing some facts)
He moved out while I was at work. I am having a really bad weekend.
Feeling like chit, no Alanon tonight.
damnn him!!! I am giving him back the power to hurt me.
I am sorry you are feeling bad. I guess its one step forward, 2 steps back. I try not to pump the kids for info when they see him (infrequently) but that is so hard. Codependency blows!!
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
let's try this.....you say you love him. which means you want what is best for him. so let's say that AFTER the split he DID decide to get sober. and that the toxic dynamic that had developed IN the relationship was the catalyst that propelled him to sobriety.
isn't that a GOOD thing? would you wish him a happy sober life or ONLY if he has it with YOU???
isn't that a GOOD thing? would you wish him a happy sober life or ONLY if he has it with YOU???
I want, the boys want him sober with us.
hard to wish somebody good things when you stuck with them for better or worse(alcoholic madness and pain) and now he moves on with somebody new after 26 years after he got sober.
(but I don't blame you for saying it naturally and I mean no disrespect.) it is probably what I should be feeling. I'm just not there yet. fine line between love and hate.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Moving on Tuesday. The thing is, it's not his stuff. It's both of our stuff. He thinks he is entitled to everything. I just don't want to make it easy I suppose. I keep a lot of meat for the dogs if I give back the fridge, it's going to be difficult and right now.
I am in such severe financial crunch hence getting new everything is going to take a bit of time so I can't understand why he keeps asking for it when he knows all of this.
I am in such severe financial crunch hence getting new everything is going to take a bit of time so I can't understand why he keeps asking for it when he knows all of this.
Originally Posted by atalose
The transition of the relationship ending. He wants his stuff, he wants to move on and your response was..............
The only confusing part is that you are still not accepting it's over. You want to hold onto his stuff you don't want him coming to get it and you don't want him texting you as if keeping his things is the link between you to him and you want to control that.
When are you moving into your own place?
The only confusing part is that you are still not accepting it's over. You want to hold onto his stuff you don't want him coming to get it and you don't want him texting you as if keeping his things is the link between you to him and you want to control that.
When are you moving into your own place?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia.....why not just use logic....and keep what is essential....
For example--fridge, stove, table and chairs, couch, and bed....
If you are moving....there will be less stuff for you to cart around....
Let the movers and packers come and clear out his stuff...and that is a lot of bother that is over, right away.....
You can make it roughly, 50/50....
For example--fridge, stove, table and chairs, couch, and bed....
If you are moving....there will be less stuff for you to cart around....
Let the movers and packers come and clear out his stuff...and that is a lot of bother that is over, right away.....
You can make it roughly, 50/50....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Dandylion, he says he wants all of the stuff and the security deposit from my current place. If I give everything, I will have nothing. I won't be able to move. He left me so broke and I don't even know why he is being vicious
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Ituvia
he says he wants all of the stuff and the security deposit from my current place.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
said this is the first time he has had clarity in years and I am the cause of his drinking, and staying with me will cause him to relapse
He's blaming you. This does not look good for true recovery. You did not cause his drinking. If he was truly in recovery and working on himself he'd know that.
He's blaming you. This does not look good for true recovery. You did not cause his drinking. If he was truly in recovery and working on himself he'd know that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You are going to have to negotiate with him much like in a divorce. He can't have it all and neither can you.
He can't just come and take what he wants and you can't just move and take what you want, this has to be agreed upon other wise he can sue you and vice versa.
How about you begin via email to a proposal of items you want and take it from there. Don't do anything verbal, always have it in writing via email or text.
You take what you came into the living arrangement with he takes what he came into it and then the purchased together items need to be split 50/50.
He can't just come and take what he wants and you can't just move and take what you want, this has to be agreed upon other wise he can sue you and vice versa.
How about you begin via email to a proposal of items you want and take it from there. Don't do anything verbal, always have it in writing via email or text.
You take what you came into the living arrangement with he takes what he came into it and then the purchased together items need to be split 50/50.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd use my best judgment on taking what seems fair/reasonable (what you NEED and he does not, at the moment). Let him take you to court if he's got a problem with that. Small claims court (which is what I'm betting this would be unless it's a huge amount in dispute) isn't a big deal, and the worst that happens is he gets a judgment in his favor for the value of some of the items. My bet is he would never bother with it.
Possession really is nine-tenths of the law in this situation. The burden would be on him to prove you owed him the money. (Incidentally, having an "honest claim of right" is a defense to any charge of theft, so I can't imagine their being a complaint for theft). If you're worried about it, consult a lawyer first.
Possession really is nine-tenths of the law in this situation. The burden would be on him to prove you owed him the money. (Incidentally, having an "honest claim of right" is a defense to any charge of theft, so I can't imagine their being a complaint for theft). If you're worried about it, consult a lawyer first.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he says he wants all of the stuff and the security deposit from my current place. If I give everything, I will have nothing.
so why would you DO that? he can SAY anything he wants, but you aren't under his control anymore.
you need to take the "personal" out of it - it's business now. when you lived together, did he contribute anything financially? 90/10? 60/40? 50/50? 100/0? assuming you keep decent records - bank and credit card statements, that should give you a fair assessment of things.
go thru the place and decide what you NEED - think basic living needs first....bed, couch, table, cooking ware. if you are renting, i assume the appliances stay. this is also a time to downsize, if there is anything big, bulky, non-essential, or just useless.
be smart, be rational. he is no longer a factor. this is about you now.
so why would you DO that? he can SAY anything he wants, but you aren't under his control anymore.
you need to take the "personal" out of it - it's business now. when you lived together, did he contribute anything financially? 90/10? 60/40? 50/50? 100/0? assuming you keep decent records - bank and credit card statements, that should give you a fair assessment of things.
go thru the place and decide what you NEED - think basic living needs first....bed, couch, table, cooking ware. if you are renting, i assume the appliances stay. this is also a time to downsize, if there is anything big, bulky, non-essential, or just useless.
be smart, be rational. he is no longer a factor. this is about you now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Try focusing on the trivial, yourself. This piece of it is nuts and bolts. Sometimes focusing on these kinds of details can be a good distraction from "pain and despair."
Yes, it's painful, but I see no basis for despair. Despair implies ongoing misery for the rest of your life. Your life will go on, and it will be fine.
Yes, it's painful, but I see no basis for despair. Despair implies ongoing misery for the rest of your life. Your life will go on, and it will be fine.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Are you still paying rent there? Did he pay rent or split it with you when he lived there? You should get half of the security deposit especially since you are still paying the rent and still living there maintaining the place and I am assuming you are. It will get so much easier for you when can settle this and get your own place and move on.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
I lived with a guy once and when I moved out, I took the furniture I brought with me when I moved in and left the rest with him. He tried to get money from me for clothes he bought for me when I lived with him. Clothes I didn't ask him to buy. My mom ended up writing him a check just to shut him up. I moved into an efficiency apt. Got a futon and lived cheap until I got through nursing school and could afford a better place. It can be done. You will get there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Yes, I am still living here. He paid the rent, I paid for the household expenses and his booze 
.
He is calling my dad and threatening to call my pregnant sister and make her life miserable. Also texted me to say that he will make my life miserable too.
I think I should give all of this up and be done. I am sure he will find something else to fight about later. Don't know why he is being so mean.
.He is calling my dad and threatening to call my pregnant sister and make her life miserable. Also texted me to say that he will make my life miserable too.
I think I should give all of this up and be done. I am sure he will find something else to fight about later. Don't know why he is being so mean.
Originally Posted by suncatcher
Are you still paying rent there? Did he pay rent or split it with you when he lived there? You should get half of the security deposit especially since you are still paying the rent and still living there maintaining the place and I am assuming you are. It will get so much easier for you when can settle this and get your own place and move on.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
He sounds like he is not doing as well as you thought he was in his recovery program if in fact he is even really in a program. He sounds unstable and you will be much better off without him. I know you have been through a lot but the sooner you can put this all behind you the better. Remember no one can make you miserable unless you allow it. Not sure what he thinks he is going to gain by calling your dad and making your sister miserable. Sounds like quacking at its finest to me. Maybe he is drinking when he texts these things. You just have to take steps to get on your feet and gather your things and get out of there. We are here for you.
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