Letting go and acceptance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Letting go and acceptance
I have such hard time letting go. I still ask people how he is doing, what he said about me and stuff like that. Do normal people find it so hard to let go? or is it just a codependent thing? In the back of my mind, when I am being honest with myself, I still want him back. I don't even know why. I have tried the pros and cons thing and even as I read it, I feel like I miss him so terribly. Even crying doesn't help. It's going to be a month in a week and he seems to be carrying on just fine. Everyone who met him said he is fine and even sober. He seems to be carrying on with so much anger and resentment towards me. There are reasons to be angry about but in his denial, he doesn't see what he has done. He seems to be free and happy. Is he truly happy? I know I should focus on myself but it just seems to unfair that he doesn't even give a sh*t. Five years of everything meant nothing, evidently and I feel like I didn't matter. My love for him didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Hi Ituvia 
It sounds like you're obsessing with him and are waiting for some kind of justice. Like you wait for him to finally see what you've done for him or expect him to apologise. While you wait for that to happen you make yourself and your mood 100% dependent on his behaviour. Don't do that. Waiting for these things to happen make you feel bad and because they probably won't happen, you'll feel bad for a very long time. I know it's extremely hard to accept that you've been treated unfair and are left feeling used. I speak from experience. Unfortunately there's not always justice in life, at least not in an immediate, obvious way.
You can either choose to keep going the way you go, making yourself unhappy and dependent or you can free yourself from the past, close that chapter and move on. If you find it unfair and it hurts you that he doesn't acknowledge what you have invested in the relationship, do you really wanna continue doing that by still caring and putting himself first in a way?
Letting go is hard but you can learn it. Find things or other people to give love and passion to. Spend time with those who value your time and love. Do things you're passionate about, that distract you and make you happy. And when you notice you're thinking of him in an obsessive way, tell yourself STOP and think of something else instead.
Sorry my post came out a bit unstructured. Maybe you'll find parts of it helpful anyway.
It sounds like you're obsessing with him and are waiting for some kind of justice. Like you wait for him to finally see what you've done for him or expect him to apologise. While you wait for that to happen you make yourself and your mood 100% dependent on his behaviour. Don't do that. Waiting for these things to happen make you feel bad and because they probably won't happen, you'll feel bad for a very long time. I know it's extremely hard to accept that you've been treated unfair and are left feeling used. I speak from experience. Unfortunately there's not always justice in life, at least not in an immediate, obvious way.
You can either choose to keep going the way you go, making yourself unhappy and dependent or you can free yourself from the past, close that chapter and move on. If you find it unfair and it hurts you that he doesn't acknowledge what you have invested in the relationship, do you really wanna continue doing that by still caring and putting himself first in a way?
Letting go is hard but you can learn it. Find things or other people to give love and passion to. Spend time with those who value your time and love. Do things you're passionate about, that distract you and make you happy. And when you notice you're thinking of him in an obsessive way, tell yourself STOP and think of something else instead.
Sorry my post came out a bit unstructured. Maybe you'll find parts of it helpful anyway.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Time takes time.
Three weeks in, you're pretty much right where anyone would expect you to be. Letting go is a process, not an event. The best thing you can do right now is take good care of yourself and treating yourself with love and gentleness. For me, that meant eating well, getting exercise, and seeing a therapist. What would that mean for you?
Three weeks in, you're pretty much right where anyone would expect you to be. Letting go is a process, not an event. The best thing you can do right now is take good care of yourself and treating yourself with love and gentleness. For me, that meant eating well, getting exercise, and seeing a therapist. What would that mean for you?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia....actually, you have made it almost a month. That much is good,,,because every day brings you closer to healing.....Every day that you get through is progress.
The thoughts and feelings that you are having are normal....obsessional thoughts a kalediscope of different painful emotions are par for the course, early in the mourning process...it is part of processing the whole experience so that, eventually, we can come to acceptance and peace with it.
Yes, it will take weeks to months...as it gradually lessens in stages.......
I remember going through all of this myself, and it is a painful emotional time...sometimes, it feels like the pain will swallow you up...it is the fear of the oain, itself...but, it won't. Remember that it won't. don't fight the emotions, at this early stage, so much, as , just let the emotions come, feel them, and let them pass, out of your body. Envision it like the tide of the sea...coming in...pausing for a bit, then rolling back out...with smooth waters for a while..
Over time, the waves come less and less, and are less strong....
Resist asking others about him. The less contact you have, and the less you know, the sooner relief will come to you. Every time you have contact and new information...you go back to square one, all over again, You pull the scab off the wound, again.....
Ituvia, you ask if other people find it this hard. My answer is a loud YES! Hace you never known anyone to go through a break up before?
If you were to read the thousands of other stories on this forum, and you had a dime for every o ne who describes exactly what you are feeling, also...you would be a rich woman.....
What you are feeling is normal for what you are going through....Just because it hurts, doesn't mean that it is not normal....
If you don't want those items, get rid of them. They are a constant reminder....
Can you pay someone to take them to him....?
The thoughts and feelings that you are having are normal....obsessional thoughts a kalediscope of different painful emotions are par for the course, early in the mourning process...it is part of processing the whole experience so that, eventually, we can come to acceptance and peace with it.
Yes, it will take weeks to months...as it gradually lessens in stages.......
I remember going through all of this myself, and it is a painful emotional time...sometimes, it feels like the pain will swallow you up...it is the fear of the oain, itself...but, it won't. Remember that it won't. don't fight the emotions, at this early stage, so much, as , just let the emotions come, feel them, and let them pass, out of your body. Envision it like the tide of the sea...coming in...pausing for a bit, then rolling back out...with smooth waters for a while..
Over time, the waves come less and less, and are less strong....
Resist asking others about him. The less contact you have, and the less you know, the sooner relief will come to you. Every time you have contact and new information...you go back to square one, all over again, You pull the scab off the wound, again.....
Ituvia, you ask if other people find it this hard. My answer is a loud YES! Hace you never known anyone to go through a break up before?
If you were to read the thousands of other stories on this forum, and you had a dime for every o ne who describes exactly what you are feeling, also...you would be a rich woman.....
What you are feeling is normal for what you are going through....Just because it hurts, doesn't mean that it is not normal....
If you don't want those items, get rid of them. They are a constant reminder....
Can you pay someone to take them to him....?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Hard truth is life isn't fair. Sometimes ppl just don't see things the way we do and they never will. There are lots of people that have had a lot more than 5 years invested in a relationship that got the boot. You weren't the first and you won't be the last. But things DO and WILL get better, but we need to be willing to let time do it's job. Yes, it blows dead rats in the short term, it hurts and there's anger and tears and frustration, we've all been there. You've probably been there before, too. But you will bounce back. This raw feeling you're passing thru right now won't last forever. Hang in there. We're all here for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You are hurting, you want him to be hurting like you, because if he is hurting as well then he must still have feelings for you, and if he still has feelings for you then there is still some hope to savage this relationship. This is probably why you still keep asking people about him, about how he feels, etc.
You are only 1 month out of this 5 year relationship, it’s going to take time and there are things YOU can actually do to help that process along, like STOP asking people about. Try and stop thinking how he feels and focus on how you feel and accepting that he is not the fix to your hurt feelings and sense of a broken heart………he’s the cause of it.
You are only 1 month out of this 5 year relationship, it’s going to take time and there are things YOU can actually do to help that process along, like STOP asking people about. Try and stop thinking how he feels and focus on how you feel and accepting that he is not the fix to your hurt feelings and sense of a broken heart………he’s the cause of it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It will pass much FASTER if you tell your friends you don't want to hear what he's doing or what he says about you. Stay OFF his FB--block him. Nothing you need to see/know about.
Yes, it takes time to process a breakup. Don't make it longer or more painful than it has to be.
Yes, it takes time to process a breakup. Don't make it longer or more painful than it has to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I barely eat and I am surprised my body is not giving up. Everything is so screwed up. He is just moving on with his life, abandoning me and my dogs. How can someone who did so much harm sleep at night peacefully?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia....how can he sleep at night....
The answer is....He had his denial to shield him. He has his alcohol to blot his feelings and thoughts out.....
Did you read any of these articles? Papers on Addiction and Recovery
Your feelings are normal for this point in time....
You are asking for "fairness"....
There are certain laws of the Universe....one of them is....everything has consequences (either good or bad).
A consequence of loving and being in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic is that one will get damaged and have a broken heart...
Is it "fair", NO! But , it is consistent with the laws of the Universe.
(I am not being snarky....this is just the way it is)...
The answer is....He had his denial to shield him. He has his alcohol to blot his feelings and thoughts out.....
Did you read any of these articles? Papers on Addiction and Recovery
Your feelings are normal for this point in time....
You are asking for "fairness"....
There are certain laws of the Universe....one of them is....everything has consequences (either good or bad).
A consequence of loving and being in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic is that one will get damaged and have a broken heart...
Is it "fair", NO! But , it is consistent with the laws of the Universe.
(I am not being snarky....this is just the way it is)...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How can someone who did so much harm sleep at night peacefully?
You might instead ask, how can someone who allowed so much emotional harm to themselves and their lives at the hands of someone else, not let go of that harmer and obsess about wanting them back. That’s the real question you need to be asking.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's not causing you not to eat, you are. It really is, right now, about YOU and not about him or what he's done or what he's doing.
You can keep asking "Why" and "How could he" and keep focusing on how UNFAIR it is. You can do that till the cows come home and it won't make one bit of difference. You're not going to get an answer that will make it fair.
It IS reality, and that's where you have to begin. With things as they are, not as you wish they were.
You can keep asking "Why" and "How could he" and keep focusing on how UNFAIR it is. You can do that till the cows come home and it won't make one bit of difference. You're not going to get an answer that will make it fair.
It IS reality, and that's where you have to begin. With things as they are, not as you wish they were.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is a BIG difference between "didn't matter" and "over". people exit relationships differently - for some they just move on and never look back, because that works for them.
is your clinging on and staying mired in "why" and "how could he?" working for YOU? this is where the rubber meets the road, kiddo.....this is a situation in your life that you may not have ASKED for, but here it is anyway, directly in front of you. this is LIFE. it ain't fair, it doesn't always make sense, but IT IS WHAT IT IS.
i'm not suggesting that in 30 days you be completely OVER everything, but i AM suggesting that you begin to take steps to move forward.
you stay hung up on "he dumped me" when in fact....you kicked him out and then he said he was done. this was after things had gotten very toxic between you both, with you striking him. there was absolutely NO GOOD to come of any of that.
is your clinging on and staying mired in "why" and "how could he?" working for YOU? this is where the rubber meets the road, kiddo.....this is a situation in your life that you may not have ASKED for, but here it is anyway, directly in front of you. this is LIFE. it ain't fair, it doesn't always make sense, but IT IS WHAT IT IS.
i'm not suggesting that in 30 days you be completely OVER everything, but i AM suggesting that you begin to take steps to move forward.
you stay hung up on "he dumped me" when in fact....you kicked him out and then he said he was done. this was after things had gotten very toxic between you both, with you striking him. there was absolutely NO GOOD to come of any of that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I understand what you mean, Anvilhead and others, it's just that since he said he is going to be sober *now* after leaving me, I keep thinking why couldn't he do it earlier? Why didn't he want to fight for us? Why did I fight for so long and took him back every time he promised to change?
I am scared of moving on.
I am scared of moving on.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Its quite common for an addict to change surroundings etc to try and get better- a fresh start; move to a new town, leave the old relationships behind sort of thing. An addict cant just say "I'll be sober now" and make it stick without doing some kind of recovery work. Sooner or later they'll be back in the old habits again- that cycle is indicative of someone caught in addiction. Painful as it is, its possible him dropping you is the best thing he could do for you because things will always get worse with an addict; theres nothing addiction cannot and will not destroy.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
((((HUgs)))). I remember so well the same feelings- No contact really helps. I also could barely eat and I lost a lot of weight- my coworkers were all worried about me. I am slender now and I like it- but that's an aside. All the advice has been good. I remember wondering why I felt the urge to go back when he had been sooo mean to me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
a definition f courage---Being afraid and doing it anyway....
a definition of hero---someone who is willing to be afraid 5 minutes longer than anyone else....
It seems that a lot of people think that one can't do something if they are afraid....or, that, it they are afraid of something, they shouldn't do it....
***I didn't make this stuff, up, myself....these are concepts that have helped me when I was afraid
a definition of hero---someone who is willing to be afraid 5 minutes longer than anyone else....
It seems that a lot of people think that one can't do something if they are afraid....or, that, it they are afraid of something, they shouldn't do it....
***I didn't make this stuff, up, myself....these are concepts that have helped me when I was afraid
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