Sad day
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by savingmein2017 
He has broken me past the point of return.
You're carrying a lot that's not yours. Let go of it and I think you'll find you can go on a lot farther than you imagined.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
I know there are many success stories out there but I'm tired. I can't fight anymore. He has broken me past the point of return.
If you are tired of fighting, stop. Let your lawyer do it. You will come out of this just fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
i feel so foolish asking this question.
Why would he choose not to stop/change such a destructive path over fighting for our marriage. He says he just doesn't have it in him to fight for the marriage but he will fight me in the divorce proceedings? WHY
Why hook up with this " friend" that he has taken to his mothers home to meet her?
Why stay in my life for years ? Why complain to our friends ; about the fact I don't drink.
He says all I want to do is go to school( F school is what he said when I was studying for finals)
Why would he choose not to stop/change such a destructive path over fighting for our marriage. He says he just doesn't have it in him to fight for the marriage but he will fight me in the divorce proceedings? WHY
Why hook up with this " friend" that he has taken to his mothers home to meet her?
Why stay in my life for years ? Why complain to our friends ; about the fact I don't drink.
He says all I want to do is go to school( F school is what he said when I was studying for finals)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I really suggest you stop trying to make sense of it. Alcoholics become very warped in their thinking as the need to drink takes over. You are divorcing him, for very good reasons. He doesn't have to like it, and he has every right to see whomever he wants. You don't have a claim on him anymore.
Start focusing on why YOU are having so much difficulty letting go of someone who has treated you badly and is continuing to treat you badly in the legal proceedings. Have you been to Al-Anon? The more you invest in your own well-being, rather than focusing on what he's doing, the sooner you will start to feel better.
Start focusing on why YOU are having so much difficulty letting go of someone who has treated you badly and is continuing to treat you badly in the legal proceedings. Have you been to Al-Anon? The more you invest in your own well-being, rather than focusing on what he's doing, the sooner you will start to feel better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
LexieCat
"Have you been to Al-Anon? "
No , I haven't. I've been trying to cope day by day.
"You are divorcing him, for very good reasons. "
I still love him though. And through all the drinking and out every weekend. What else could I do after he abandon me?
"Have you been to Al-Anon? "
No , I haven't. I've been trying to cope day by day.
"You are divorcing him, for very good reasons. "
I still love him though. And through all the drinking and out every weekend. What else could I do after he abandon me?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
i feel so foolish asking this question.
Why would he choose not to stop/change such a destructive path over fighting for our marriage. He says he just doesn't have it in him to fight for the marriage but he will fight me in the divorce proceedings? WHY
Why hook up with this " friend" that he has taken to his mothers home to meet her?
Why stay in my life for years ? Why complain to our friends ; about the fact I don't drink.
He says all I want to do is go to school( F school is what he said when I was studying for finals)
Why would he choose not to stop/change such a destructive path over fighting for our marriage. He says he just doesn't have it in him to fight for the marriage but he will fight me in the divorce proceedings? WHY
Why hook up with this " friend" that he has taken to his mothers home to meet her?
Why stay in my life for years ? Why complain to our friends ; about the fact I don't drink.
He says all I want to do is go to school( F school is what he said when I was studying for finals)
Get off Facebook...it's high school on steroids.
He is nothing but selfishness now. It's not even personal...his addiction is in charge, not whatever remains of him.
This isn't about what you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, are or aren't. This has nothing to do with you, even though he'll try to blame you for it.
He's a man lost to addiction, no more and no less, and he's the only one who can save himself. But it doesn't sound likely.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
"Have you been to Al-Anon? "
No , I haven't. I've been trying to cope day by day.
No , I haven't. I've been trying to cope day by day.
As Lexie says, you can bemoan the fact that he's chosen a different life, beating yourself up and crying "but I still LOVE him!", or you can turn around and take a long hard look at yourself, asking "why would I WANT someone who treats me like that?" THAT is where your focus needs to be right now, NOT on him and his new plaything.
Truly, savingme, what is there to love about him now, right here, in real life? Not your misty dreams of what could have been, not blurry memories of what used to be, but right. here. right. now.
Its not about him and what he's doing. It's about YOU and what YOU'RE doing.
Please don't think I'm being cruel--it took me quite a while before I realized that a good portion of what I "loved" and "missed" about XAH was moonbeams and stardust--stuff I'd made up, stuff I remembered from years ago. When I took a look at the hard reality, I still felt sad, but sad b/c I'd devoted so much time to a relationship where there was no more trust, no honesty, no real relating. I had been doing the best I could w/what I knew, but once I learned more, it became clear that my path led in a different direction.
It's hard to face. It's painful. But making yourself out to be a victim who is "so broken she can't recover" is not going to help you in any way. Laying on the floor and crying only means that you get a better look at the dust bunnies under the refrigerator and how worn the flooring is. Eventually you're gonna have to get up and make dinner and do the dishes, right?
When you do get up off the floor, your view will improve, and eventually you grab a broom and a vac and start cleaning up the house you live in, until one day you go "wow, I never realized this place was so nice!" The sunshine comes in your kitchen window and you see it like it's the first time.
It may sound silly, but one of the best purchases I've ever made is a handful of those teardrop-shaped crystals like on a chandelier--I got them at JoAnn Fabrics. I hung one in a window in each room of my house, and when the light shines through, they cast lovely little rainbow lights all over the walls. I truly think those little dancing rainbows have saved my life more than once...
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I hope you'll stay around and do lots of reading on this board. You'll see how incredibly common this story is and that will help you understand how little his addiction has to do with you and most importantly, that is not your fault.
You will come out the other side of this...there are wonderful role models and support for you here. But finding real life support is crucial, too.
You will come out the other side of this...there are wonderful role models and support for you here. But finding real life support is crucial, too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
savingme......perhaps this is a situation where he has a fool for an attorney.
To answer your question...Yes, you have a right to your anger. You have a right to all of your emotions. I think it is natural for you to have a myriad of emotions, just now. go ahead and feel them...and cry and scream and anything else that makes you feel better (just don't hurt anyone else or do anything stupid...lol)....
I think that him turning his attention to some other person (to make h imself feel better) is hurting your heart more than anything else....
that is pretty natural, and it makes you human.
In the big picture..honeypig, and the others are right....
Just know that it boils down to this.....short term pain--for the long term gain....
this pain, which is intense, is short--term....you just have to wade through it..
It won't look and feel like this, next year....
Go ahead and cry, my dear...you are entitled....
To answer your question...Yes, you have a right to your anger. You have a right to all of your emotions. I think it is natural for you to have a myriad of emotions, just now. go ahead and feel them...and cry and scream and anything else that makes you feel better (just don't hurt anyone else or do anything stupid...lol)....
I think that him turning his attention to some other person (to make h imself feel better) is hurting your heart more than anything else....
that is pretty natural, and it makes you human.
In the big picture..honeypig, and the others are right....
Just know that it boils down to this.....short term pain--for the long term gain....
this pain, which is intense, is short--term....you just have to wade through it..
It won't look and feel like this, next year....
Go ahead and cry, my dear...you are entitled....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
It helps to repeat to yourself over and over "every word out of his mouth is a lie, and I should expect that". Regardless of what he is saying...because that's the truth. But you're conditioned to believe the man you think loves you.
Anything kind thing he says or does, is to achieve a goal. Anything negative thing is also to achieve a goal. These aren't normal rules of life. His words simply have NO MEANING. Don't let them define your reality.
You're reeling from the contact with him, from the rush of confused feelings, from the conflict between what's happening and your body memory of something that doesn't exist. Add to that the outrage that what's happening is even POSSIBLE, and the fear that he can drag it on forever, and God forbid, even WIN something...because it's all just so WRONG.
All of that is legitimate. Allow the feelings and then find a way to put them on hold or keep them in check. Go zombie if it works, get angry, whatever. (I apparently went zombie a little while to get the work done--to make it past all of that, sign all the papers, and then sit on the floor and melt.) Only when I was truly done with him could I begin to really work through all of the feelings, because it rendered me useless. For me, recognizing what needed to be done meant I had to shut all that off until I was "safe".
Because here's the kicker...if you cave...if you back down...if you're too tired to fight...he DOES win this unfair battle. Lexie is right--place your attorney in the line of fire, place your trust in HP or the universe or karma (or your lawyer), and it will unfold. Remember, everything he says is a lie. You'll be surprised the things he'd boldly assert as complete fact that are utterly incorrect. It's all about fear and control. If you can cut those strings, you will win, regardless of what the courts do.
And an aside, my X bought a truck we couldn't afford years ago. It was mine in the divorce along with my car, and I love that truck now--due to the way I earned it, the memories it reminds me of in how I've grown and prospered, and because it can tow things and carry large items.
You may not want the truck, but I just wanted to point out the view over the mountain. I am stronger financially and emotionally than I ever was with him. You can get there. Just breathe.
Sending you hugs, prayers, and support.
Anything kind thing he says or does, is to achieve a goal. Anything negative thing is also to achieve a goal. These aren't normal rules of life. His words simply have NO MEANING. Don't let them define your reality.
You're reeling from the contact with him, from the rush of confused feelings, from the conflict between what's happening and your body memory of something that doesn't exist. Add to that the outrage that what's happening is even POSSIBLE, and the fear that he can drag it on forever, and God forbid, even WIN something...because it's all just so WRONG.
All of that is legitimate. Allow the feelings and then find a way to put them on hold or keep them in check. Go zombie if it works, get angry, whatever. (I apparently went zombie a little while to get the work done--to make it past all of that, sign all the papers, and then sit on the floor and melt.) Only when I was truly done with him could I begin to really work through all of the feelings, because it rendered me useless. For me, recognizing what needed to be done meant I had to shut all that off until I was "safe".
Because here's the kicker...if you cave...if you back down...if you're too tired to fight...he DOES win this unfair battle. Lexie is right--place your attorney in the line of fire, place your trust in HP or the universe or karma (or your lawyer), and it will unfold. Remember, everything he says is a lie. You'll be surprised the things he'd boldly assert as complete fact that are utterly incorrect. It's all about fear and control. If you can cut those strings, you will win, regardless of what the courts do.
And an aside, my X bought a truck we couldn't afford years ago. It was mine in the divorce along with my car, and I love that truck now--due to the way I earned it, the memories it reminds me of in how I've grown and prospered, and because it can tow things and carry large items.
You may not want the truck, but I just wanted to point out the view over the mountain. I am stronger financially and emotionally than I ever was with him. You can get there. Just breathe. Sending you hugs, prayers, and support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Praying
It helps to repeat to yourself over and over "every word out of his mouth is a lie, and I should expect that". Regardless of what he is saying...because that's the truth. But you're conditioned to believe the man you think loves you.
Anything kind thing he says or does, is to achieve a goal. Anything negative thing is also to achieve a goal. These aren't normal rules of life. His words simply have NO MEANING. Don't let them define your reality.
You're reeling from the contact with him, from the rush of confused feelings, from the conflict between what's happening and your body memory of something that doesn't exist. Add to that the outrage that what's happening is even POSSIBLE, and the fear that he can drag it on forever, and God forbid, even WIN something...because it's all just so WRONG.
All of that is legitimate. Allow the feelings and then find a way to put them on hold or keep them in check. Go zombie if it works, get angry, whatever. (I apparently went zombie a little while to get the work done--to make it past all of that, sign all the papers, and then sit on the floor and melt.) Only when I was truly done with him could I begin to really work through all of the feelings, because it rendered me useless. For me, recognizing what needed to be done meant I had to shut all that off until I was "safe".
Because here's the kicker...if you cave...if you back down...if you're too tired to fight...he DOES win this unfair battle. Lexie is right--place your attorney in the line of fire, place your trust in HP or the universe or karma (or your lawyer), and it will unfold. Remember, everything he says is a lie. You'll be surprised the things he'd boldly assert as complete fact that are utterly incorrect. It's all about fear and control. If you can cut those strings, you will win, regardless of what the courts do.
And an aside, my X bought a truck we couldn't afford years ago. It was mine in the divorce along with my car, and I love that truck now--due to the way I earned it, the memories it reminds me of in how I've grown and prospered, and because it can tow things and carry large items. You may not want the truck, but I just wanted to point out the view over the mountain. I am stronger financially and emotionally than I ever was with him. You can get there. Just breathe.
Sending you hugs, prayers, and support.
Anything kind thing he says or does, is to achieve a goal. Anything negative thing is also to achieve a goal. These aren't normal rules of life. His words simply have NO MEANING. Don't let them define your reality.
You're reeling from the contact with him, from the rush of confused feelings, from the conflict between what's happening and your body memory of something that doesn't exist. Add to that the outrage that what's happening is even POSSIBLE, and the fear that he can drag it on forever, and God forbid, even WIN something...because it's all just so WRONG.
All of that is legitimate. Allow the feelings and then find a way to put them on hold or keep them in check. Go zombie if it works, get angry, whatever. (I apparently went zombie a little while to get the work done--to make it past all of that, sign all the papers, and then sit on the floor and melt.) Only when I was truly done with him could I begin to really work through all of the feelings, because it rendered me useless. For me, recognizing what needed to be done meant I had to shut all that off until I was "safe".
Because here's the kicker...if you cave...if you back down...if you're too tired to fight...he DOES win this unfair battle. Lexie is right--place your attorney in the line of fire, place your trust in HP or the universe or karma (or your lawyer), and it will unfold. Remember, everything he says is a lie. You'll be surprised the things he'd boldly assert as complete fact that are utterly incorrect. It's all about fear and control. If you can cut those strings, you will win, regardless of what the courts do.
And an aside, my X bought a truck we couldn't afford years ago. It was mine in the divorce along with my car, and I love that truck now--due to the way I earned it, the memories it reminds me of in how I've grown and prospered, and because it can tow things and carry large items.
You may not want the truck, but I just wanted to point out the view over the mountain. I am stronger financially and emotionally than I ever was with him. You can get there. Just breathe. Sending you hugs, prayers, and support.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Another positive for the future is that you can now control your own life and future without this leach sucking you dry financially. You can save money, build up a fund for a holiday; YOU have control. Never give it up to anyone ever again, especially not for love.
You are one of the many loving women who have contracted STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt), but hard as your lesson is for you now, it will make you stronger.
You are one of the many loving women who have contracted STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt), but hard as your lesson is for you now, it will make you stronger.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
Hon, you are expecting "normal" from an addict. There is no "normal" with an addict. It is a circus. All the questions you keep asking about why can't he see this and why is he doing this..... he is an addict. You are not an addict and would not understand, so stop trying.
Accept the fact, he is an addict. He will do and say anything he wants to, then change his mind tomorrow, because he is an addict. Trying to live and make an addict happy is impossible because they are to sick to be happy. So you are beating yourself up to please him and there is no pleasing an addict, impossible.
I was with my axh for 34 years...... That is a very long time of living in the circus. I divorced him still loving him. That's ok, just because you "love" someone, does not mean you have to live with them. If you divorce and he gets his act together, get back together, it happens on this forum.
What we are saying to you today is that you are in a really bad place. He is the addict, but you are the out of control spouse.
You need to take some deep breaths. Like the others said, you need to get the attorney involved to deal with this. Once you get the divorce you can deal with selling the cars and grouping the debt together. You can work this out and get on some payment plans. You have to deal with one thing at a time. Let him hang with the bar fly. If he is lucky he can pick up a disease or two.
In alanonn and AA, they say one day at a time. Thats all you have to deal with, just today. Tomorrow will follow and you will survive that. I know you don't see it, but you will be ok. We are all here for you. Keep purging and getting it off your chest. We have an answer for "most" everything. Hugs to you my friend!!
Hon, you are expecting "normal" from an addict. There is no "normal" with an addict. It is a circus. All the questions you keep asking about why can't he see this and why is he doing this..... he is an addict. You are not an addict and would not understand, so stop trying.
Accept the fact, he is an addict. He will do and say anything he wants to, then change his mind tomorrow, because he is an addict. Trying to live and make an addict happy is impossible because they are to sick to be happy. So you are beating yourself up to please him and there is no pleasing an addict, impossible.
I was with my axh for 34 years...... That is a very long time of living in the circus. I divorced him still loving him. That's ok, just because you "love" someone, does not mean you have to live with them. If you divorce and he gets his act together, get back together, it happens on this forum.
What we are saying to you today is that you are in a really bad place. He is the addict, but you are the out of control spouse.
You need to take some deep breaths. Like the others said, you need to get the attorney involved to deal with this. Once you get the divorce you can deal with selling the cars and grouping the debt together. You can work this out and get on some payment plans. You have to deal with one thing at a time. Let him hang with the bar fly. If he is lucky he can pick up a disease or two.
In alanonn and AA, they say one day at a time. Thats all you have to deal with, just today. Tomorrow will follow and you will survive that. I know you don't see it, but you will be ok. We are all here for you. Keep purging and getting it off your chest. We have an answer for "most" everything. Hugs to you my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please consider going no contact. You could start by blocking his number. You give him a lot of power by allowing him to text you and by reading the texts. You know who he is now-- he's shown you over and over and over and over and continues to show you every time he texts.
Believe him. No contact, move on with your life, get counseling so you don't replace him with... another him.
My two cents...
Cyranoak
Believe him. No contact, move on with your life, get counseling so you don't replace him with... another him.
My two cents...
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Hi Savinmein2017. That is a great name and coming here for support is a great way to get saving yourself underway.
As you have noticed, what you are going through is excruciating. When I left, I felt I was doing heart surgery on myself without anesthesia . . . yep, that bad.
What the others are saying is true. It will get better if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other doing the next right thing.
Please consider Alanon; it is there for folks like you who are just surviving this horrible time. It can help you do what you need to to heal and grow.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are getting along.
As you have noticed, what you are going through is excruciating. When I left, I felt I was doing heart surgery on myself without anesthesia . . . yep, that bad.
What the others are saying is true. It will get better if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other doing the next right thing.
Please consider Alanon; it is there for folks like you who are just surviving this horrible time. It can help you do what you need to to heal and grow.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are getting along.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Thank you everyone for all the support!!!
I'm really trying to take it one day at a time. I'm trying very hard to believe there was nothing More I could have done to save the marriage. STBXAH is sick and it looks like it runs in the family. More and more seems to unfold. So STBXAH advises the mediator he doesn't have the ability to carry his half of the marital debt but news has now surfaced that STBXAH recently went on a cruise with his mother and the bar chick. I guess he can put the alcohol down for them but not me ( I'm just the wife)
I'm really trying to take it one day at a time. I'm trying very hard to believe there was nothing More I could have done to save the marriage. STBXAH is sick and it looks like it runs in the family. More and more seems to unfold. So STBXAH advises the mediator he doesn't have the ability to carry his half of the marital debt but news has now surfaced that STBXAH recently went on a cruise with his mother and the bar chick. I guess he can put the alcohol down for them but not me ( I'm just the wife)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
news has now surfaced that STBXAH recently went on a cruise with his mother and the bar chick. I guess he can put the alcohol down for them but not me ( I'm just the wife)
And truthfully, how awful do you think it might be to be stuck on a boat, no matter how big and fancy, in the middle of a lot of water w/your drunk husband? Yeeks, no thanks...let his mom and the barfly have all the so-called fun.
And I'm sure all this will come out eventually and be factored into the settlement, as others have said.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
LexieCat
"Have you been to Al-Anon? "
No , I haven't. I've been trying to cope day by day.
"You are divorcing him, for very good reasons. "
I still love him though. And through all the drinking and out every weekend. What else could I do after he abandon me?
"Have you been to Al-Anon? "
No , I haven't. I've been trying to cope day by day.
"You are divorcing him, for very good reasons. "
I still love him though. And through all the drinking and out every weekend. What else could I do after he abandon me?
He has shown you exactly who he is. He is on a path to cause you grief with every breath you take, and honestly you are allowing it. You realize every time you get upset he wins. His intent is to KEEP you upset all the time. Have you sitting there wondering how in the world could he leave you!!
I have read through some of your posts. I believe this marriage was pretty simple, he went to work (amazing) and paid bills. Other than that he drank everyday, and did nothing but sit on the couch until he passed out at 9 pm. I am sure this is not what you envisioned a marriage to be.
Hmmmm. What's so special about this that you would feel bad that its not in your house anymore? Do you think the girl he met at the bar is going to experience some cosmic shift in the universe, and that your Drunk is going to be such a better partner to her than he was to you? have you ever known anyone that showed up to a job interview late, in a pair of dirty sweat pants and flip flops, pulled out a bottle of vodka, poured it into a solo cup then proceeded to pass out? Of course not. Dating for losers is not any different. They can shine that penny up when needed. At the end of it all.........he will be passing out in her house at 9 pm too. For now he is heavily invested in a PR stunt, delusional in a belief that he wont have to pay you a penny! Your ability to pay all these debts yourself will be proof enough to the Court that he doesn't have to pay a dime!! Yeah, let me know when that hearing is taking place I'll show up with the popcorn, and we can sit back and get a good laugh. Pro Se only makes it all the more enticing.
Its a hard road to divorce or leave a long time relationship. At times getting it out of it SEEMS is more trouble than staying in, but that is only temporary. Strongly suggest you go no contact with this person immediately. Forget mediation - waste of money. I understand the logic here that working things out between the two of you would save money but you are attempting logic with a person that has none. In the end trying to be logical here might cost you more money than just letting your atty deal with this person and move forward. You do not need to discuss with HIM anything you need to do financially. He has made clear he is non participatory I am sure you have that in writing. Certainly you should be able to Motion to start reducing debts such as selling that truck to begin with.
As long as you are forlorn over what appears to be a STBXAH out having a good time you will have trouble enjoying the peace of your home. The future that you have, the bright and wonderful things that will happen to you are yours to enjoy. For him, the future is a red solo cup, and a tacky recliner. Gee, who won here? YOU.
No contact ma'am. Tell the FB trolls to keep it to themselves. Not interested at all....this will end. and when it does Mr. "don't have to pay a dime" is going to be reaping what he has sown.
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