Sad day
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Originally Posted by savingmein2017 
NewRomanMan
(karma will catch up to him. You put that fight in God's hands.)
I'm trying so hard to believe this. I am so shocked he has no intent on doing right. All this time he has had to think of his actions and still more of the same from him. The mediator and my attorney tried to paint the picture for him. He is in contempt of a court order and he does not care. He can't see the wall he is about to hit very hard?
(karma will catch up to him. You put that fight in God's hands.)
I'm trying so hard to believe this. I am so shocked he has no intent on doing right. All this time he has had to think of his actions and still more of the same from him. The mediator and my attorney tried to paint the picture for him. He is in contempt of a court order and he does not care. He can't see the wall he is about to hit very hard?
But it's going to be ok for you. It will. Have patience and let things unfold as they will. You don't have anything to be afraid of. Your STBAXH might, but you don't. =)
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
("How could I possibly have been at fault? I was working OT, I was working a side job, I was doing everything I could to "get ahead", and meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, XAH was spending money from our savings to finance his alcohol and tobacco addictions (yes, he even hid his smoking from me). How could I be anything but the innocent victim? Clearly HE was wrong and I was right! There was no way I was going to accept one shred of responsibility for how things turned out!")
Honeypig
Please tell me how were you wrong in doing the above? Please I need to understand. I think I may still be a little blind.
My actions and motives seem to line up with your post above.
I worked fulltime / Overtime as much as I could , went to school 3 nights a week , ran the household , the finances etc.? By doing these things made me responsible for how things turned out?
Honeypig
Please tell me how were you wrong in doing the above? Please I need to understand. I think I may still be a little blind.
My actions and motives seem to line up with your post above.
I worked fulltime / Overtime as much as I could , went to school 3 nights a week , ran the household , the finances etc.? By doing these things made me responsible for how things turned out?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
First of all, let me be perfectly clear: I am NOT saying you are solely responsible for the situation you find yourself in, nor am I saying I was solely responsible for the eventual end of my marriage. Neither you nor I forced our A's to do the things they did, but both you and I played our parts in the relationship.
OK, now to try to explain: My responsibility is, as the quote said, in being "a willing participant." As another saying goes, "The first time you're a victim. The second time, you're a volunteer." The things that eventually drove me to leave my marriage happened again and again and AGAIN. Yet I clung to the belief that somehow THIS time would be different, even though there was absolutely no reason to think so....
XAH had shown me over and over who he was, but I didn't accept that reality. I kept doing the same things and getting the same results. I tried to run his life. I tried to control so many things about him. And it never worked, but yet I kept on doing it. Nobody is responsible for that but ME. And no, I didn't know any better at the time, but that doesn't make me not responsible...
It sounds like you've done the same. It sounds as if he has shown you, again and again and AGAIN, who he is and what he does, and yet you continue doing what you do, hoping that somehow this time the result will be different. OK, here's my 3rd quote: "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
As others have said, your way up and out will hinge on letting go of what he's doing, and focusing on yourself and what you're doing. One of those things you can control and change. Hint: It's NOT what he's doing...
I would urge you to read the stickies at the top of the page; there are some threads there that would likely be of use to you. Again, I'm going to echo the others and recommend Alanon. Alanon is NOT about the alcoholic; it's about YOU. All the knowledge you say you already have about HIM isn't doing you one bit of good, is it? So try looking at your part in the drama and see if maybe you can't find something to change...
(BTW, I get the angry part, the wanting-justice part--it's not wrong to feel that, but it does eat up energy that could be better used. "The best revenge is living well", or so it's said.)
OK, now to try to explain: My responsibility is, as the quote said, in being "a willing participant." As another saying goes, "The first time you're a victim. The second time, you're a volunteer." The things that eventually drove me to leave my marriage happened again and again and AGAIN. Yet I clung to the belief that somehow THIS time would be different, even though there was absolutely no reason to think so....
XAH had shown me over and over who he was, but I didn't accept that reality. I kept doing the same things and getting the same results. I tried to run his life. I tried to control so many things about him. And it never worked, but yet I kept on doing it. Nobody is responsible for that but ME. And no, I didn't know any better at the time, but that doesn't make me not responsible...It sounds like you've done the same. It sounds as if he has shown you, again and again and AGAIN, who he is and what he does, and yet you continue doing what you do, hoping that somehow this time the result will be different. OK, here's my 3rd quote: "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
As others have said, your way up and out will hinge on letting go of what he's doing, and focusing on yourself and what you're doing. One of those things you can control and change. Hint: It's NOT what he's doing...
I would urge you to read the stickies at the top of the page; there are some threads there that would likely be of use to you. Again, I'm going to echo the others and recommend Alanon. Alanon is NOT about the alcoholic; it's about YOU. All the knowledge you say you already have about HIM isn't doing you one bit of good, is it? So try looking at your part in the drama and see if maybe you can't find something to change...
(BTW, I get the angry part, the wanting-justice part--it's not wrong to feel that, but it does eat up energy that could be better used. "The best revenge is living well", or so it's said.)
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Thank you honeypig
"The first time you're a victim. The second time, you're a volunteer." The things that eventually drove me to leave my marriage happened again and again and AGAIN. Yet I clung to the belief that somehow THIS time would be different, even though there was absolutely no reason to think so.... XAH had shown me over and over who he was, but I didn't accept that reality. I kept doing the same things and getting the same results. I tried to run his life. I tried to control so many things about him. And it never worked, but yet I kept on doing it. Nobody is responsible for that but ME. And no, I didn't know any better at the time, but that doesn't make me not responsible...
uugghhh ,,.... ME all the way
"The first time you're a victim. The second time, you're a volunteer." The things that eventually drove me to leave my marriage happened again and again and AGAIN. Yet I clung to the belief that somehow THIS time would be different, even though there was absolutely no reason to think so.... XAH had shown me over and over who he was, but I didn't accept that reality. I kept doing the same things and getting the same results. I tried to run his life. I tried to control so many things about him. And it never worked, but yet I kept on doing it. Nobody is responsible for that but ME. And no, I didn't know any better at the time, but that doesn't make me not responsible...
uugghhh ,,.... ME all the way
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Well, if it makes you feel any better, savingme, the reason this forum exists, and the reason there are all those helpful quotes out there, is that you and I are FAAAAAAAR from alone in what we've done and thought and been through.
On the one hand, how sad that so many of us have had to go through it. On the other hand, I am so grateful for the wisdom and comfort and inspiration that has been passed on by all those who walked the path before us. I sometimes think about how much harder this all would have been years ago, when the only way to find out about meetings was word of mouth. And now we have the internet, bursting with ways to learn and connect...I'm sorry for what brought us all here, but I'm incredibly happy that we have such great tools to help us heal!
Keeping a candle burning for you, savingme.
On the one hand, how sad that so many of us have had to go through it. On the other hand, I am so grateful for the wisdom and comfort and inspiration that has been passed on by all those who walked the path before us. I sometimes think about how much harder this all would have been years ago, when the only way to find out about meetings was word of mouth. And now we have the internet, bursting with ways to learn and connect...I'm sorry for what brought us all here, but I'm incredibly happy that we have such great tools to help us heal!
Keeping a candle burning for you, savingme.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Thank you for all your wisdom. With the help of s r I am shifting my thinking towards what I can do to make a good life for me. I also find the divorce situation unfair... And had the same feelings about being a good wife and wonder if I opted out too early. I opted out way late. He isn't going to stop drinking and I deserve more than a few crumbs he tossed me.
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