View Poll Results: Who should I choose?
Sarah (Alcoholic) - She loves you, stay with her and support her
0
0%
No one - Risk losing the kids anyways, but avoid the relationship struggle
5
83.33%
Jessica - Go with the life that'll help your kids, if I don't lose them in court
1
16.67%
Voters: 6. You may not vote on this poll
Help! Crazy situation. Will she get better?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry. I am not saying this to be hurtful, but you do not seem like relationship material right now. For anyone. Until you build a more solid relationship with yourself, you won't be good for anyone else.
We always have more choices than we tell ourselves we do, my friend.
We always have more choices than we tell ourselves we do, my friend.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
You don't have to make a choice just because they say you do, or even because you think they have the right to expect you to. You have the right to do whatever you feel is right.
Again, I have to say...I do not believe you are ready for either relationship. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if you made any choice under pressure.
You always have a choice.
Again, I have to say...I do not believe you are ready for either relationship. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if you made any choice under pressure.
You always have a choice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I would not want a guy who chose me because of an ultimatum, knowing "she" is out there, knowing it was such a tough decision! Yikes, how degrading. IMO either relationship is bound to fail. Both women (and you too) deserve a partner for whom they are #1.
For what it's worth, I agree with the others who said don't commit to either woman. Commit to your children. Do whatever it takes to be there legally, financially, emotionally. There are many many parents who are not couples.
Best of luck to you, and thank you for your service to our country.
For what it's worth, I agree with the others who said don't commit to either woman. Commit to your children. Do whatever it takes to be there legally, financially, emotionally. There are many many parents who are not couples.
Best of luck to you, and thank you for your service to our country.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can pick the direction of not choosing a partner based on being pressured to choose. Don't get me wrong, I think the women involved have every right to insist on a commitment from you to be with them or not be with them.
You CAN step back. It isn't that you have a problem; you have a solution you don't like.
Incidentally, you wouldn't be the one burning any bridges. You're simply afraid that THEY will burn bridges. And they may. They have every right to. If either one of these women were to post here, I'd tell them both to walk away and not look back (except for child support and parenting issues). You're not ready for an adult relationship with either one, from what I can see.
You CAN step back. It isn't that you have a problem; you have a solution you don't like.
Incidentally, you wouldn't be the one burning any bridges. You're simply afraid that THEY will burn bridges. And they may. They have every right to. If either one of these women were to post here, I'd tell them both to walk away and not look back (except for child support and parenting issues). You're not ready for an adult relationship with either one, from what I can see.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
After reading your story, I didn't vote.
Nobody who doesn't even know you can read a few paragraphs and then give you sound advice. Especially where children are involved.
Honestly, sounds like you are very mixed up and taking a time out for a while might be the best recommendation for you?
M-Bob
Nobody who doesn't even know you can read a few paragraphs and then give you sound advice. Especially where children are involved.
Honestly, sounds like you are very mixed up and taking a time out for a while might be the best recommendation for you?
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I am in agreement with several others. Take a step back and focus on being with your kids. Whether or not a Sarah will remain sober, is unfortunately not at all something that is within your control.
You should want to be with one of these women because you love them, and want to take that next life step with them. Until you can sort out these feelings be a dad to your two children (yes, I know one is not your biological child), and to your baby on the way.
You should want to be with one of these women because you love them, and want to take that next life step with them. Until you can sort out these feelings be a dad to your two children (yes, I know one is not your biological child), and to your baby on the way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Looking back to a time when I was freelance dating...there were times when I found myself in a position of trying tp make a pick between two attractive (to me) guys who were different in many ways....
And, I get it... it really can trigger a period of cognitive dissonance...
Life and relationships are complex and this can happen....
Looking back, in review....there were three such situations that really stand out, in my memory. And, it was tough...because each guy had some really outstanding characteristics that I was really drawn to....
And, like you, I felt a real inner need to ferret out the one that I might want to join my life with, in commitment. The time in my life was ripe for that...I really wanted a permanent partner to settle down with....for life....
What happened, you ask...lol. It is amazing, now, that in ever single case--I didn't end up with any single one of them! What is amazing about this is that they were such great guys.
In each case, it did take some time for the dynamics to "play out".....Slowly, what I call "deal breakers" would raise to the surface....(bingo)......
Deal breakers, in the sense that I am using the term, can be anything....like, for instance---timing. People can be in very different stages of their lives--bringing a whole set of life pressures. Life goals--one might want to have children, and the other has already had all the children they want. Age--this can bring eventual dissatisfactions if there is too much of a difference... Philosophical, cultural religious differences---make no mistake...these can present great chaisms , if there is not enough overlap and agreement...
Differences in temperament. Not enough equity in the basic "chemistry".
Differences in maturity. etc. etc. etc...........
All of these things can become issues in relationships that can trump initial attraction....eventually.....
I think that these issues might not even come to light when one makes a decision under pressure. One might be tempted to just push certain things under the rug (but they won't stay there!).
The price that one will pay for a forced decision....is to arrive at a point, down the line, where they say...."OMG. What was I thinking...why didn't I see that. I would give anything to turn back time and change my decision!!".
by the way, I did find another that was right for me...and I was right for him. It all fell into p lace, when it happened.
I am just sharing some of my life experience with you.....
And, I get it... it really can trigger a period of cognitive dissonance...
Life and relationships are complex and this can happen....
Looking back, in review....there were three such situations that really stand out, in my memory. And, it was tough...because each guy had some really outstanding characteristics that I was really drawn to....
And, like you, I felt a real inner need to ferret out the one that I might want to join my life with, in commitment. The time in my life was ripe for that...I really wanted a permanent partner to settle down with....for life....
What happened, you ask...lol. It is amazing, now, that in ever single case--I didn't end up with any single one of them! What is amazing about this is that they were such great guys.
In each case, it did take some time for the dynamics to "play out".....Slowly, what I call "deal breakers" would raise to the surface....(bingo)......
Deal breakers, in the sense that I am using the term, can be anything....like, for instance---timing. People can be in very different stages of their lives--bringing a whole set of life pressures. Life goals--one might want to have children, and the other has already had all the children they want. Age--this can bring eventual dissatisfactions if there is too much of a difference... Philosophical, cultural religious differences---make no mistake...these can present great chaisms , if there is not enough overlap and agreement...
Differences in temperament. Not enough equity in the basic "chemistry".
Differences in maturity. etc. etc. etc...........
All of these things can become issues in relationships that can trump initial attraction....eventually.....
I think that these issues might not even come to light when one makes a decision under pressure. One might be tempted to just push certain things under the rug (but they won't stay there!).
The price that one will pay for a forced decision....is to arrive at a point, down the line, where they say...."OMG. What was I thinking...why didn't I see that. I would give anything to turn back time and change my decision!!".
by the way, I did find another that was right for me...and I was right for him. It all fell into p lace, when it happened.
I am just sharing some of my life experience with you.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
I voted no one. I do not believe in giving someone ultimatums and forcing them into life changing snap decisions.
I have no kids, but in my opinion their welfare should come first in any relationship because they do not have a choice. What they are raised with will forever imprint on them.
Marrying a normie for comfort and security may work for some people, but it did not work for me. There were never any feelings of passion on my end, only ones of friendship and a caring love. It did not work but for a couple of years. Not being true to myself ate away at me. With passion missing, the relationship did not grow, it broke.
I have no kids, but in my opinion their welfare should come first in any relationship because they do not have a choice. What they are raised with will forever imprint on them.
Marrying a normie for comfort and security may work for some people, but it did not work for me. There were never any feelings of passion on my end, only ones of friendship and a caring love. It did not work but for a couple of years. Not being true to myself ate away at me. With passion missing, the relationship did not grow, it broke.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
You say if you go with no one, you risk losing the children. I'm not sure why you think that. Of course, if you don't live with your children you'll see less of them, but you've already impregnated two women. You can't have exclusive relationships with both of them.
There are no guarantees on the future. Even if you picked one over the other, there's no guarantee that five years from now, you'd still be together.
There are no guarantees on the future. Even if you picked one over the other, there's no guarantee that five years from now, you'd still be together.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Another vote with everyone else. Step back, work on you. I just wanted to say that it's possible you don't click with the healthy one because you're wired to be needed. You say that sarah is emotional and Jessica is not...it may just be sarah isn't emotionally healthy and Jessica is. I've been there. I'm a more stoic person myself so I found my exabf's abundance of "love" and emotion really attractive. The guy was a black hole of emotion. We had a bond like no other. In reality he was just really sick and needy and I needed that. Read up on codependency.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My opinion is you don't truly love either of them or there would be no choice. I would, as others have said, concentrate on being a dad and try not to get any else knocked up until you have worked out what you want from life cos it doesn't sound like it's either of them and you need to step back and have a re-think. I didn't vote cos none of the options re valid imo.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The reason I find it difficult to just "step back," as many say, is that I've been left with little choice but to pick a direction
I have to agree, if you truly loved either one of them there would be no choice. And I also agree with how about just focusing on being a dad not a partner.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Take your time, and don't form a connection with either woman. They might live with it if you treat both the same i.e. don't commit to either until you've had time to consult and think.
You can still be a good father without having a relationship with the mother.
Sarah is trying to use the children to coerce you to choose her. Consult a lawyer as soon as you can regarding your rights, especially the about the child who isn't yours biologically. She must be a desperate woman to try and separate you from a child who considers you her father, while your biological child gets to see you. That on it's own would be a reason to stay away from her.
If you're right and S does relapse, your children will need you. Just make sure you've established your rights to see both of them. It's worth fighting for.
You can still be a good father without having a relationship with the mother.
Sarah is trying to use the children to coerce you to choose her. Consult a lawyer as soon as you can regarding your rights, especially the about the child who isn't yours biologically. She must be a desperate woman to try and separate you from a child who considers you her father, while your biological child gets to see you. That on it's own would be a reason to stay away from her.
If you're right and S does relapse, your children will need you. Just make sure you've established your rights to see both of them. It's worth fighting for.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I think you should go to therapy and find out why you fell in love with alcoholic and had a child with her. Even if you choose to live without Sarah, your child will have to stay and will have to deal with her! And then you had another child with woman who already had 2 kids from different relationship.
Non of those kids will have full and happy family and you want to solve this by poll? And wander whats best for you? If you will have good physical connection with the mother?
You should get help.
Non of those kids will have full and happy family and you want to solve this by poll? And wander whats best for you? If you will have good physical connection with the mother?
You should get help.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If you can't choose then neither choice is the right one.
Focus for now on helping the children through this turmoil on both sides. Stop running back and forth from woman to woman...that's some weak tea, hon. It's probably some fun for your ego but it's incredibly damaging for everyone, especially the children.
Step back and figure out how to best support them in their roles as single parents. Definitely stop dating until this settles out...you're only going to attract drama addicts with big problems of their own and you sure don't need Baby Mama number three, yes?
Focus for now on helping the children through this turmoil on both sides. Stop running back and forth from woman to woman...that's some weak tea, hon. It's probably some fun for your ego but it's incredibly damaging for everyone, especially the children.
Step back and figure out how to best support them in their roles as single parents. Definitely stop dating until this settles out...you're only going to attract drama addicts with big problems of their own and you sure don't need Baby Mama number three, yes?
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