View Poll Results: Who should I choose?
Sarah (Alcoholic) - She loves you, stay with her and support her
0
0%
No one - Risk losing the kids anyways, but avoid the relationship struggle
5
83.33%
Jessica - Go with the life that'll help your kids, if I don't lose them in court
1
16.67%
Voters: 6. You may not vote on this poll
Help! Crazy situation. Will she get better?
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Help! Crazy situation. Will she get better?
Hi there,
I really hope I get some honest feedback because I'm in a crazy bind and have to make a life-altering decision, and soon.
There's two women in my life, a child with both, and I've been given an ultimatum on who to be with. Unfortunately, it seems I'm forever burning a bridge with the other, regardless of who I choose.
Sarah is a beautiful, funny, incredibly loving woman who I have two children with. Only one child is biologically mine, but the other has known no one but me and loves me dearly, as I do her. Sarah is also, or used to be, a horrible alcoholic. We're talking police calls, state involvement with child placement, and me pulling the toddler out of the car she just drove up to me in when she's at five times the legal limit. Horrible things that I'll never forget. Unfortunately, I love her. I can't stop wanting to care for her. The fact another woman has come into play (while we weren't together) and is now having my child is tearing her apart and I hate to see it. Our case with the state is coming to and end and it seems Sarah has turned around completely. She's doing AA three times a week, all required urinalysis (2x random weekly), group therapy, etc. It's amazing, but I really wonder if it's here to stay. She's at just over 100 days. Her mother (who's seen her through a decade of alcoholism) says she's never seen Sarah like this before, so it makes me wonder if this is really "for real." The problem is that the state sees everything as progress and is moving (slowly, but almost unavoidably) towards giving her 100% custody of "her" child back and 50/50 of "our" child. I can't lose my kids. I love them so much. But, as Sarah has said during fiery arguments over whether we're getting back together, if she gets custody and we're not together then I won't see "her" child much anymore (even though Sarah admits I'm the child's Dad, regardless of paperwork) and only half the time with my own girl. What scares me is that she can go incredibly long periods of time sober before relapsing. She had over a year and half prior (never once drinking through pregnancy) before she relapsed five times over the next year, endangering the kids and draining her bank account three times and a portion of mine, repeatedly.
On the other hand is Jessica. I was with her many years ago and we rekindled as of late, culminating in an unexpected pregnancy. I fully trust her, her judgement, I know she'll take great care of the kids (all 3), she has a great job, she's doing very well for herself financially, has no addictions, etc. The only problem is that I don't connect the same emotionally and physically as I do with Sarah. Sarah is gorgeous, feminine, sweet... Jessica is great, but very emotionally cold (as I can be) and much more a tomboy. When we were together for about two years previously it really bugged me, but I feel like I'm just being shallow. I just worry that I won't be as attracted to her and that our relationship will suffer. I also worry that the way the case with Sarah is going such a way as to lose one of my kids and possibly half the time with another, both to a person who may not be recovered or who could relapse at any time and endanger them. Life would be so much easier with Jess. I've even been told the stress and everything that I've been going through lately has been affecting me at work, and I know Jess would take a lot of that pressure away. We'd do well financially, professionally, etc., but there's this nagging thought that I wouldn't be truly happy. I know relationships have to grow and sometimes, even in crazy situations such as arranged marriages, it can take a long time but still become the great thing that people strive for.
I need to know what people think of Sarah's recovery. People that have been there. I don't know if it's for real, but I'm scared of losing my kids back to her. I love her, and she loves me desperately, but I just don't know... I'm scared of committing to her, especially since she wants an engagement or something else to show her that I'm really in it for the long haul and supporting her. On the other hand I have someone that loves me and wants me to be there with her (even with all three kids) and life will be great with, but I wonder about our relationship.
I just don't know what to do, but I'm at an ultimatum from both at this point to choose, and I need help deciding from folks that can understand the pressure.
I really hope I get some honest feedback because I'm in a crazy bind and have to make a life-altering decision, and soon.
There's two women in my life, a child with both, and I've been given an ultimatum on who to be with. Unfortunately, it seems I'm forever burning a bridge with the other, regardless of who I choose.
Sarah is a beautiful, funny, incredibly loving woman who I have two children with. Only one child is biologically mine, but the other has known no one but me and loves me dearly, as I do her. Sarah is also, or used to be, a horrible alcoholic. We're talking police calls, state involvement with child placement, and me pulling the toddler out of the car she just drove up to me in when she's at five times the legal limit. Horrible things that I'll never forget. Unfortunately, I love her. I can't stop wanting to care for her. The fact another woman has come into play (while we weren't together) and is now having my child is tearing her apart and I hate to see it. Our case with the state is coming to and end and it seems Sarah has turned around completely. She's doing AA three times a week, all required urinalysis (2x random weekly), group therapy, etc. It's amazing, but I really wonder if it's here to stay. She's at just over 100 days. Her mother (who's seen her through a decade of alcoholism) says she's never seen Sarah like this before, so it makes me wonder if this is really "for real." The problem is that the state sees everything as progress and is moving (slowly, but almost unavoidably) towards giving her 100% custody of "her" child back and 50/50 of "our" child. I can't lose my kids. I love them so much. But, as Sarah has said during fiery arguments over whether we're getting back together, if she gets custody and we're not together then I won't see "her" child much anymore (even though Sarah admits I'm the child's Dad, regardless of paperwork) and only half the time with my own girl. What scares me is that she can go incredibly long periods of time sober before relapsing. She had over a year and half prior (never once drinking through pregnancy) before she relapsed five times over the next year, endangering the kids and draining her bank account three times and a portion of mine, repeatedly.
On the other hand is Jessica. I was with her many years ago and we rekindled as of late, culminating in an unexpected pregnancy. I fully trust her, her judgement, I know she'll take great care of the kids (all 3), she has a great job, she's doing very well for herself financially, has no addictions, etc. The only problem is that I don't connect the same emotionally and physically as I do with Sarah. Sarah is gorgeous, feminine, sweet... Jessica is great, but very emotionally cold (as I can be) and much more a tomboy. When we were together for about two years previously it really bugged me, but I feel like I'm just being shallow. I just worry that I won't be as attracted to her and that our relationship will suffer. I also worry that the way the case with Sarah is going such a way as to lose one of my kids and possibly half the time with another, both to a person who may not be recovered or who could relapse at any time and endanger them. Life would be so much easier with Jess. I've even been told the stress and everything that I've been going through lately has been affecting me at work, and I know Jess would take a lot of that pressure away. We'd do well financially, professionally, etc., but there's this nagging thought that I wouldn't be truly happy. I know relationships have to grow and sometimes, even in crazy situations such as arranged marriages, it can take a long time but still become the great thing that people strive for.
I need to know what people think of Sarah's recovery. People that have been there. I don't know if it's for real, but I'm scared of losing my kids back to her. I love her, and she loves me desperately, but I just don't know... I'm scared of committing to her, especially since she wants an engagement or something else to show her that I'm really in it for the long haul and supporting her. On the other hand I have someone that loves me and wants me to be there with her (even with all three kids) and life will be great with, but I wonder about our relationship.
I just don't know what to do, but I'm at an ultimatum from both at this point to choose, and I need help deciding from folks that can understand the pressure.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can't make life decisions like this based on a poll.
Sounds to me like you need to be working with a therapist on your own to figure out yourself and what you want in your life.
No one here has a crystal ball--heck, we try to figure out whether our own partners' recoveries are for real--couldn't presume to guess whether some stranger's is. All I know is that some people do recover and others don't. And it's not always possible to tell whether it is lasting or not. My first husband is still sober after 37 years. Second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I'm eight years sober and don't intend ever to drink again. I can be pretty certain of myself and of my first husband, but beyond that it's anyone's guess.
All of life entails risk. You will continue to have obligations toward, and rights, with respect to both of your children. I hope you have a good lawyer--whatever you do, you will need one.
Sounds to me like you need to be working with a therapist on your own to figure out yourself and what you want in your life.
No one here has a crystal ball--heck, we try to figure out whether our own partners' recoveries are for real--couldn't presume to guess whether some stranger's is. All I know is that some people do recover and others don't. And it's not always possible to tell whether it is lasting or not. My first husband is still sober after 37 years. Second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I'm eight years sober and don't intend ever to drink again. I can be pretty certain of myself and of my first husband, but beyond that it's anyone's guess.
All of life entails risk. You will continue to have obligations toward, and rights, with respect to both of your children. I hope you have a good lawyer--whatever you do, you will need one.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
OMG is this a joke? It all boils down to a type of Survey Monkey to decide all these people's futures? DUDE.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
You can't make life decisions like this based on a poll.
Sounds to me like you need to be working with a therapist on your own to figure out yourself and what you want in your life.
No one here has a crystal ball--heck, we try to figure out whether our own partners' recoveries are for real--couldn't presume to guess whether some stranger's is. All I know is that some people do recover and others don't. And it's not always possible to tell whether it is lasting or not. My first husband is still sober after 37 years. Second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I'm eight years sober and don't intend ever to drink again. I can be pretty certain of myself and of my first husband, but beyond that it's anyone's guess.
All of life entails risk. You will continue to have obligations toward, and rights, with respect to both of your children. I hope you have a good lawyer--whatever you do, you will need one.
Sounds to me like you need to be working with a therapist on your own to figure out yourself and what you want in your life.
No one here has a crystal ball--heck, we try to figure out whether our own partners' recoveries are for real--couldn't presume to guess whether some stranger's is. All I know is that some people do recover and others don't. And it's not always possible to tell whether it is lasting or not. My first husband is still sober after 37 years. Second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I'm eight years sober and don't intend ever to drink again. I can be pretty certain of myself and of my first husband, but beyond that it's anyone's guess.
All of life entails risk. You will continue to have obligations toward, and rights, with respect to both of your children. I hope you have a good lawyer--whatever you do, you will need one.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Kids and your own well-being should be your priority.
As to whether she will get better - she may or may not.
I was a little bit shocked with the poll too - I do get it somewhat, you seem like an anxious type that wants certainty. Unfortunately, there is very little certainty in this life, less so with addicts and alcoholics.
As to whether she will get better - she may or may not.
I was a little bit shocked with the poll too - I do get it somewhat, you seem like an anxious type that wants certainty. Unfortunately, there is very little certainty in this life, less so with addicts and alcoholics.
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Originally Posted by Nata1980
Kids and your own well-being should be your priority.
As to whether she will get better - she may or may not.
I was a little bit shocked with the poll too - I do get it somewhat, you seem like an anxious type that wants certainty. Unfortunately, there is very little certainty in this life, less so with addicts and alcoholics.
As to whether she will get better - she may or may not.
I was a little bit shocked with the poll too - I do get it somewhat, you seem like an anxious type that wants certainty. Unfortunately, there is very little certainty in this life, less so with addicts and alcoholics.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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The fact that you're willing to ask this question in a poll tells me that maybe what is really needed is a step back from both situations as much as possible for the time being so you can get some real perspective on this. There is no answer to your question of which one. There just isn't. Your confusion bears this out. Step back a bit for yourself and everyone else involved until things become a bit clearer to you...or them. Someone may wind up making the decision for you.
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Originally Posted by NewRomanMan
The fact that you're willing to ask this question in a poll tells me that maybe what is really needed is a step back from both situations as much as possible for the time being so you can get some real perspective on this. There is no answer to your question of which one. There just isn't. Your confusion bears this out. Step back a bit for yourself and everyone else involved until things become a bit clearer to you...or them. Someone may wind up making the decision for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I'm not sure any good or healthy decision has ever been made as a result of an ultimatum.
What you probably need is some time and distance from both of your..."options"...to figure yourself out, how you got here, and what is best for everyone moving forward. Yes, it is a very real possibility that you might lose both of them in the interim. That is a consequence of your choices thusfar, and it might be what is best for everyone. Certainly, everyone gets to decide that for themselves except the children, and it's possible that what is best for these children are the people who are willing to put their interest and their emotional health first. Unfortunately, in states of high drama such as this, people don't always really understand what that means.
No one here can give you odds on Sarah's recovery. And I very much doubt that anyone is going to offer an opinion on who to choose. The situation is extremely unhealthy for everyone and I hope that it resolves in the best interest of the kids.
What you probably need is some time and distance from both of your..."options"...to figure yourself out, how you got here, and what is best for everyone moving forward. Yes, it is a very real possibility that you might lose both of them in the interim. That is a consequence of your choices thusfar, and it might be what is best for everyone. Certainly, everyone gets to decide that for themselves except the children, and it's possible that what is best for these children are the people who are willing to put their interest and their emotional health first. Unfortunately, in states of high drama such as this, people don't always really understand what that means.
No one here can give you odds on Sarah's recovery. And I very much doubt that anyone is going to offer an opinion on who to choose. The situation is extremely unhealthy for everyone and I hope that it resolves in the best interest of the kids.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,793
J,
In my opinion, I think you need to take some breaths and breath. Being forced into a solution you are not ready to make at this time is not good. I live by an old AA slogan..... When in doubt..... Don't!!
This poll is like you asking us our opinion if you should divorce your addict or not. It is not our decision. You obviously are not ready to make this decision at this time, so I wouldn't. You might have to step back and lose both of them. I think that is a better solution then marring an addict who has been sober for 100 days or marrying "security" but aren't truly attracted to her.
It is quite odd how you posted this, but I get what you are saying. In my opinion I would seek out a therapist to get your head on straight. I would seek out an attorney to find out your legal rights and responsibilities. I would step away from these women who are demanding you to make a decision that you just can not make at this time.
I would work on being the best Dad to all of your children. That is the most important thing you should do. Don't let people force you into a solution that you could regret sooner then later. Things will follow in the order that God has planned for you. Slow down my friend, and breath.
In my opinion, I think you need to take some breaths and breath. Being forced into a solution you are not ready to make at this time is not good. I live by an old AA slogan..... When in doubt..... Don't!!
This poll is like you asking us our opinion if you should divorce your addict or not. It is not our decision. You obviously are not ready to make this decision at this time, so I wouldn't. You might have to step back and lose both of them. I think that is a better solution then marring an addict who has been sober for 100 days or marrying "security" but aren't truly attracted to her.
It is quite odd how you posted this, but I get what you are saying. In my opinion I would seek out a therapist to get your head on straight. I would seek out an attorney to find out your legal rights and responsibilities. I would step away from these women who are demanding you to make a decision that you just can not make at this time.
I would work on being the best Dad to all of your children. That is the most important thing you should do. Don't let people force you into a solution that you could regret sooner then later. Things will follow in the order that God has planned for you. Slow down my friend, and breath.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
J,
In my opinion, I think you need to take some breaths and breath. Being forced into a solution you are not ready to make at this time is not good. I live by an old AA slogan..... When in doubt..... Don't!!
This poll is like you asking us our opinion if you should divorce your addict or not. It is not our decision. You obviously are not ready to make this decision at this time, so I wouldn't. You might have to step back and lose both of them. I think that is a better solution then marring an addict who has been sober for 100 days or marrying "security" but aren't truly attracted to her.
It is quite odd how you posted this, but I get what you are saying. In my opinion I would seek out a therapist to get your head on straight. I would seek out an attorney to find out your legal rights and responsibilities. I would step away from these women who are demanding you to make a decision that you just can not make at this time.
I would work on being the best Dad to all of your children. That is the most important thing you should do. Don't let people force you into a solution that you could regret sooner then later. Things will follow in the order that God has planned for you. Slow down my friend, and breath.
In my opinion, I think you need to take some breaths and breath. Being forced into a solution you are not ready to make at this time is not good. I live by an old AA slogan..... When in doubt..... Don't!!
This poll is like you asking us our opinion if you should divorce your addict or not. It is not our decision. You obviously are not ready to make this decision at this time, so I wouldn't. You might have to step back and lose both of them. I think that is a better solution then marring an addict who has been sober for 100 days or marrying "security" but aren't truly attracted to her.
It is quite odd how you posted this, but I get what you are saying. In my opinion I would seek out a therapist to get your head on straight. I would seek out an attorney to find out your legal rights and responsibilities. I would step away from these women who are demanding you to make a decision that you just can not make at this time.
I would work on being the best Dad to all of your children. That is the most important thing you should do. Don't let people force you into a solution that you could regret sooner then later. Things will follow in the order that God has planned for you. Slow down my friend, and breath.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I'm not sure any good or healthy decision has ever been made as a result of an ultimatum.
What you probably need is some time and distance from both of your..."options"...to figure yourself out, how you got here, and what is best for everyone moving forward. Yes, it is a very real possibility that you might lose both of them in the interim. That is a consequence of your choices thusfar, and it might be what is best for everyone. Certainly, everyone gets to decide that for themselves except the children, and it's possible that what is best for these children are the people who are willing to put their interest and their emotional health first. Unfortunately, in states of high drama such as this, people don't always really understand what that means.
No one here can give you odds on Sarah's recovery. And I very much doubt that anyone is going to offer an opinion on who to choose. The situation is extremely unhealthy for everyone and I hope that it resolves in the best interest of the kids.
What you probably need is some time and distance from both of your..."options"...to figure yourself out, how you got here, and what is best for everyone moving forward. Yes, it is a very real possibility that you might lose both of them in the interim. That is a consequence of your choices thusfar, and it might be what is best for everyone. Certainly, everyone gets to decide that for themselves except the children, and it's possible that what is best for these children are the people who are willing to put their interest and their emotional health first. Unfortunately, in states of high drama such as this, people don't always really understand what that means.
No one here can give you odds on Sarah's recovery. And I very much doubt that anyone is going to offer an opinion on who to choose. The situation is extremely unhealthy for everyone and I hope that it resolves in the best interest of the kids.
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jm.....I concur with the idea of stepping back from the situation and work with a therapist until you get more clarity and arrive at some peace within yourself....
I think that a "forced" decision, in either direction will backfire on you, in the end.
Your first partner is only 100days into sobriety...and it will take about two years to see if genuine recovery is in the works...She needs that time to work on her recovery without the complication of a romantic relationship (no matter what she is saying or demanding)....
You aren't in love with the other one....sounds like she is more of a relationship of comfort...from what you write.
To back away form both relationships ..as far as commitment is concerned IS a decision. And, you could give both of them that answer. It would be your own boundary...for your own good...and for theirs.
I see that as a decision....(if you were to choose that option)....
It might be that neither would like that decision...but, you would have to man-up and accept that....
Now, one thing that doesn't need a decision, is that you will have to be the best father possible to your children...and, you will have to co-parent with their mothers! You will have to learn how to do that and get all the help you can with that kind of parenting.....
I am not telling you what to do...you will make your own decisions, in the end...
I am just sharing my thoughts on the subject with you.....
Sometimes, making a decision not to make a decision (immediately)...IS a decision......
I think that a "forced" decision, in either direction will backfire on you, in the end.
Your first partner is only 100days into sobriety...and it will take about two years to see if genuine recovery is in the works...She needs that time to work on her recovery without the complication of a romantic relationship (no matter what she is saying or demanding)....
You aren't in love with the other one....sounds like she is more of a relationship of comfort...from what you write.
To back away form both relationships ..as far as commitment is concerned IS a decision. And, you could give both of them that answer. It would be your own boundary...for your own good...and for theirs.
I see that as a decision....(if you were to choose that option)....
It might be that neither would like that decision...but, you would have to man-up and accept that....
Now, one thing that doesn't need a decision, is that you will have to be the best father possible to your children...and, you will have to co-parent with their mothers! You will have to learn how to do that and get all the help you can with that kind of parenting.....
I am not telling you what to do...you will make your own decisions, in the end...
I am just sharing my thoughts on the subject with you.....
Sometimes, making a decision not to make a decision (immediately)...IS a decision......
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i can't imagine logging in to an anonymous online forum to ask very serious questions about MY life and my CHILDREN's life and asking which woman should i choose? is this the Bachelor?
I've even been told the stress and everything that I've been going through lately has been affecting me at work, and I know Jess would take a lot of that pressure away.
as long as you look to someone else to "complete" you, you will always have empty places inside of you. instead of looking to your woman choices, look inside yourself and ask what YOU need to do for your children. what is best FOR THEM?
you do NOT have to choose between Woman A or Woman B. you can choose putting yourself first, and your children, and becoming strong and whole and the best parent possible.
I've even been told the stress and everything that I've been going through lately has been affecting me at work, and I know Jess would take a lot of that pressure away.
as long as you look to someone else to "complete" you, you will always have empty places inside of you. instead of looking to your woman choices, look inside yourself and ask what YOU need to do for your children. what is best FOR THEM?
you do NOT have to choose between Woman A or Woman B. you can choose putting yourself first, and your children, and becoming strong and whole and the best parent possible.
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If you are having such a hard time deciding between two women, you aren't ready for either relationship. The fair and honest thing to do would be to not make any decisions right now. It would be unfair to all concerned, especially your children.
You need time to get to know yourself and what you truly want. In the meantime, be the best father you can be and take care of yourself. The right person for you might not even be anyone you know at this point. There is no need to make any decisions right now.
You need time to get to know yourself and what you truly want. In the meantime, be the best father you can be and take care of yourself. The right person for you might not even be anyone you know at this point. There is no need to make any decisions right now.
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Thanks AnvilHeadII and Suki44883.
I had to write all of the initial post in a hurry while trying to leave work. My other responses were all via my phone, so hopefully now that I'm at home on the PC I can properly respond.
The reason I'm facing what is essentially an ultimatum from both women is that I've been back-and-forth, unable to choose between either, for some time now. Just when I think I've got it figured out and tell them my decision, I immediately flop and hurt someone. It hurts me, it hurts them, and I can understand why they're both demanding a final answer. It's a struggle between my heart (Sarah) and my brain (Jess).
My heart tells me that I don't want to break up the family (me + Sarah + 2x kids), however re-initiating a relationship with her and giving her greater access to the kids presents a safety concern if she were to relapse. If she doesn't, awesome, she'll be the best mom on Earth... but I've come home too many times to her passed out, kid(s) unattended, house a disaster... or the worst case, that I mentioned before, where she should have been in a coma due to her BAC but was driving with the kid in the car. I'm scared to all hell that it'll happen again. The court seems to be pushing towards her having custody, regardless, because of her great progress as of the last few months. I know that it'll just continue and that, if determined enough, she can easily do a year/two before another relapse -- enough time for the court to grant everything back to her. I also worry that I'll never trust her enough to have a real relationship. I'm in the military and have to deploy, travel for days to weeks, etc., and I can't have my head in the game if I'm worried about the safety of the kids.
Jess, on the other hand, has zero issues. She's amazingly responsible, will be a positive role model for the kids, has a great career, etc. I just worry that our relationship may not "click" as well, and, despite a great home for the kids, I may feel unfulfilled. I can't say that for sure, it's just a nagging feeling, as we haven't been together for a good number of years and our recent foray in a relationship has been short-lived. Even if it works out, I'm still afraid of losing custody of my kids, even though I'll have a new one to love on. If Sarah WERE to relapse, I'd have created a safe and caring home that they'd always be protected in, but I don't know if it'll happen.
The chaplain I talked to said it's not about choosing a path to make you happy -- happiness comes and goes, in all things -- but one that you can be content with. You'll ask yourself at a few days, a week, a month, three months, etc., if you made the right decision and you must always know the answer is yes, even if you're unhappy. I know that me and Jess together can accomplish a lot, from financials, to my degree, to anything. I've felt behind where I should be for many years (investments, career goals, etc.) and I know Jess will be a strong partner in all of that. On the other hand, Sarah has never had a real career and has struggled with alcoholism for over a decade. Sarah says she's ready for school, to get a degree and really accomplish something with her life, but between the alcoholism and the lack of any progress on that up to this point I have to wonder whether it'll really happen or if I'll just have to support her in everything, forever, and feel unfulfilled. Sarah is so incredibly loving, though, and it warms my heart to see her and the kids happy and together. [The kids also like Jess and she's good with them, they just don't know her as well, obviously.]
The reason I find it difficult to just "step back," as many say, is that I've been left with little choice but to pick a direction. I can understand the frustration of both women and it's my fault for not being able to make a decision and stick with it. If it not for the fact that I'm essentially burning a bridge, via either choice, I would simply hold off. It seems they're not giving me that option and so I need to absorb as many opposing ideas, lessons learned from your own folks' lives, etc., in order to help me make a decision.
I hope this helps give you a better sense of what I'm facing and how lost I am at coming to a decision.
I had to write all of the initial post in a hurry while trying to leave work. My other responses were all via my phone, so hopefully now that I'm at home on the PC I can properly respond.
The reason I'm facing what is essentially an ultimatum from both women is that I've been back-and-forth, unable to choose between either, for some time now. Just when I think I've got it figured out and tell them my decision, I immediately flop and hurt someone. It hurts me, it hurts them, and I can understand why they're both demanding a final answer. It's a struggle between my heart (Sarah) and my brain (Jess).
My heart tells me that I don't want to break up the family (me + Sarah + 2x kids), however re-initiating a relationship with her and giving her greater access to the kids presents a safety concern if she were to relapse. If she doesn't, awesome, she'll be the best mom on Earth... but I've come home too many times to her passed out, kid(s) unattended, house a disaster... or the worst case, that I mentioned before, where she should have been in a coma due to her BAC but was driving with the kid in the car. I'm scared to all hell that it'll happen again. The court seems to be pushing towards her having custody, regardless, because of her great progress as of the last few months. I know that it'll just continue and that, if determined enough, she can easily do a year/two before another relapse -- enough time for the court to grant everything back to her. I also worry that I'll never trust her enough to have a real relationship. I'm in the military and have to deploy, travel for days to weeks, etc., and I can't have my head in the game if I'm worried about the safety of the kids.
Jess, on the other hand, has zero issues. She's amazingly responsible, will be a positive role model for the kids, has a great career, etc. I just worry that our relationship may not "click" as well, and, despite a great home for the kids, I may feel unfulfilled. I can't say that for sure, it's just a nagging feeling, as we haven't been together for a good number of years and our recent foray in a relationship has been short-lived. Even if it works out, I'm still afraid of losing custody of my kids, even though I'll have a new one to love on. If Sarah WERE to relapse, I'd have created a safe and caring home that they'd always be protected in, but I don't know if it'll happen.
The chaplain I talked to said it's not about choosing a path to make you happy -- happiness comes and goes, in all things -- but one that you can be content with. You'll ask yourself at a few days, a week, a month, three months, etc., if you made the right decision and you must always know the answer is yes, even if you're unhappy. I know that me and Jess together can accomplish a lot, from financials, to my degree, to anything. I've felt behind where I should be for many years (investments, career goals, etc.) and I know Jess will be a strong partner in all of that. On the other hand, Sarah has never had a real career and has struggled with alcoholism for over a decade. Sarah says she's ready for school, to get a degree and really accomplish something with her life, but between the alcoholism and the lack of any progress on that up to this point I have to wonder whether it'll really happen or if I'll just have to support her in everything, forever, and feel unfulfilled. Sarah is so incredibly loving, though, and it warms my heart to see her and the kids happy and together. [The kids also like Jess and she's good with them, they just don't know her as well, obviously.]
The reason I find it difficult to just "step back," as many say, is that I've been left with little choice but to pick a direction. I can understand the frustration of both women and it's my fault for not being able to make a decision and stick with it. If it not for the fact that I'm essentially burning a bridge, via either choice, I would simply hold off. It seems they're not giving me that option and so I need to absorb as many opposing ideas, lessons learned from your own folks' lives, etc., in order to help me make a decision.
I hope this helps give you a better sense of what I'm facing and how lost I am at coming to a decision.
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