Penguin87

Hi, I joined here 2 nights ago and have spent hours since reading here.

Last week I finally got my head and heart around the fact that I was going to leave on Saturday, stay with my cousin, never return and go no contact...but then Friday night my eldest dog was showing signs of being unwell, Saturday morning she had full blown Kennel Cough and youngest dog was showing signs too. I won't leave my dogs with my A as although he's great with them, he's so forgetful he won't remember their meds and my first dog was put down due to complications in relation to Kennel Cough so it scares me. I now can't go to my cousins until they are better as he has dogs too as do all my friends who I could stay with. I feel so trapped.

I've been in tears a lot today as I just want out NOW and although I know I can make it through another 12 days (vets advise) I feel like I can't. It's night here now so day one is over but earlier I felt so sick, felt like I was going to collapse and I wanted to climb into bed and hide. It's taken me 6 years to finally get to this point of leaving and meaning it (first 4 years were great ish) and at the last post it feels like the door has slammed and locked.

A isn't violent, never has been, it's just all the emotional stuff, put downs, twisting things that leave me a bit of a wreck inside and he's been particularly bad the last 2 days. I get accused of checking up on him several times a day when I'm not. I know it's because he's hiding drink plus the fact I can smell it. Makes me sick that he's making out I'm the bad guy here when I'm simply pottering about my own home.

I go to Al Anon twice a week and have done for the last few months. A started AA around the same time but hadn't been for a few weeks now. Speaks volumes and is just one more reason I'm leaving.

When I do go I'm leaving a note but I know his latest excuse for drinking and his moods would be that he was recently threatened by 3 men with knives whilst out with the youngest dog. I know it was an awful experience for him and he's scared whenever he goes out but I've heard so many excuses and if sobriety really means that much to you, nothing would stop you.

Any tips or words of encouragement to help me get through this last 12 days would be great.

honeypig

I'm on my way out to work right now, Penguin, so don't have much time, but I just want to wish you strength and serenity while you wait for your houndie to recover. I'm a dog lover too, so I totally get the importance of your dogs to you. It was one of the reasons I worried about splitting w/XAH--wasn't sure my dogs, who are also old, could make it thru the length of a workday w/o being let outside. (XAH and I worked staggered hours, so while we were together, they typically weren't home alone more than 4-5 hours) I don't make enough money to pay a service to let them out and I don't have neighbors close enough to do it for me either.

Turned out that once XAH was gone, things were fine--I think the dogs were reacting to some degree to the discord in the household and once life settled down, so did they.

Anyway, gotta go, but I hope you keep coming back to read and post, and I wish for speedy healing for you and your dog friends!

FeelingGreat

This is so disappointing for you after making up your mind, but it's only 12 days (seems like a lifetime!). Mark it off on a calendar with a big cross.
In the meanwhile, detach, detach, detach. Just because he wants to put you down for his own reasons doesn't mean you have to buy into it. You have the option to just leave the room.
You know this will be over soon and you can post every day if you like. You'll get plenty of support here.

PhoenixJ

Thoughts and prayers to you. No advice- empathise heaps. Keep posting.

Penguin87

Honeypig, thank you for understanding my predicament and for taking time to write to me when you were busy. I can see that everyone here is truly altruistic. Thank you.

Penguin87

Thank you FG, I am mentally marking off the days with a cross in my head. 4 days down 8 to go. Im 1/3rd of the way there, which is good, although 8 still seems far off.

I think I detached a long time ago, not consciously, but I had to. He moans at me for it but Im so tired. Thanks again.

Penguin87

Thank you PhoenixJ, it's just lovely to know you care.

honeypig

Penguin, glad to see you back here posting. You're closer than you were 4 days ago!

How's your dog doing? How are you doing?

maia1234

P,
Congrats on making a decision that you needed to make in your life. It's great that you are attending open aa and alanon meeting. I look back at my "escape" and I dont think I could have done it, alone. In fact I know I couldn't.

Good for you for taking care of your pups. It's the best decision for them and that is truly your priority today. You have been with this man how long, and now you have only 10 more days.... the last year with my axh, I said the serenity prayer a million times a day and night. Two years out, I have maybe said it once or twice. I now thank God for all my blessings.

Keep the faith my friend. I agree about detaching as much as possible, say your sorry and don't engage with your addict. Your life will be so much more peaceful. Sending hugs to you that the next 10 days go by quickly.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

qtpi

I have been there! I planned my escape about 5 weeks in advance. we had planned a trip to see DD who lives 3000 miles away- I couldn't disappoint her- she had been so lonely since moving. Also I have two dogs- anyway, I just kept smiling and kept a secret to-do list. In my car I would listen to Wilson Phillips "Hold On for One More Day" which is about leaving domestic abuse. It was really really hard- I lost a lot of weight and slept very little. I did have a lot of support from friends. Just hold on-- you will get there and the dogs will be fine. My dogs actually seem happier and healthier since I left. Please let us know how you are doing!

Penguin87

So many thank you's to say. Thank you all. I thought I was being a drama queen being upset over my escape being delayed but now I know I'm not thanks to you all. This time next week I shall be at my cousins. It feels weird as although I have left so many times this is the first time I've known I'm going. Usually it's been on a whim when he's either behaved so badly or I have found his stash. This is how I know it's for real this time. I wake every morning in tears, not sure why, maybe it's guilt because I know what's coming and he doesn't, but I shouldn't feel guilty, he's had years to seek recovery and has chosen not to. I choose not to be part of that now as I need a life.

Thank you all for your well wishes for my dogs too. My eldest is doing great, she's 99% better so should be fine in a few days. Little one has been given the all clear, must be a tough little cookie. Middle one however has started coughing, I'm just hoping hoping hoping she doesn't get ill now.

Will check in as often as I can. I can't tell you how nice it is to log on and see all your words of support. Thank you.

honeypig

Penguin, you are NOT alone. Please always remember that. I think for a lot of us, one of the first things that helped us get moving was to know that we were NOT crazy and we were NOT exaggerating. We were living a really unacceptable life that we had gradually come to believe was "not that bad." For me, having a community of people who served as a reality check as well as a support group and cheerleading section made a huge difference. I hope it works that way for you too.

I'd love to hear more about your dogs; send me a PM if you have time.

qtpi

You are half way there! Hope your dogs are improving. I remember boatloads of guilt before I left - and the guilt shrunk to just a little bit as soon as I left. Of. course, I did not deserve to feel guilty at all and neither do you!

hopeful4

I'm so sorry about your doggies, and that you have to wait. Ugh.

Kennel Cough is a beast. My tiny pup had it when I got him, unbeknownst to me as it was in an incubation period. He had been vaccinated, but already had it.

Stay busy. That is my life saver through all things hard. I am a busy person by nature, but when I was living w/my XAH, I was hardly ever there, just so I could cope. It did not work long term, but you don't have long term!

Keep your eye on the prize. Huge hugs!

Penguin87

Thank you qtpi, I think as the day is approaching the more guilty I feel but perhaps that's mixed in with a bit of sadness too as at the end of the day I'm leaving someone I did love and have spent many years with.

The day I was initially going to go, before my dogs got ill I made the decision only a few days before, 12 days gives me more chance to think, imagine and get nervous. When I've gone before it's been sudden and unexpected and I've been p****d off. This time I'm not p****d off, had enough yes, but I'm picturing him walking through the door realising I've gone and how he will feel. That won't stop me though. He's not cared how I feel each and every time he's chosen a drink over me, which is daily.

Penguin87

Thank you hopeful. I'm sorry your pup suffered too, it's a big worry isn't it! I trust he is well today.

Unfortunately my departure day has been put back a day. My cousin has to go to Cornwall Thursday and Friday so won't be in to let me in. I've come this far I'm not going to get upset about it. I'm just glad I've got him to go to. The end is in sight. I've got through more days than I've got left...phew. The mountain is now a little hill so feels more manageable.

Trying to keep busy. It's a friends birthday on Thursday so I'm planning to meet her Wednesday night and see what else I can organise.

FeelingGreat

Hi Penguin, I'm glad you've come here to let off steam. The days are passing; won't be long.

Penguin87

I was hoping my next post was to say I've gone. I want to scream, cry and breakdown. This morning I took my dogs out for their morning walk and eldest one started poohing blood...no pooh just blood. Went to vets and she's been given more tablets. Could be the original tablets causing it, I hope so then it's nothing serious. I'm so worried about her though. I've got to take her back Monday which means I can't leave today. My cousin lives 150 miles away so I can't just nip back nor can I register with new vet quick enough. Am I ever going to be able to leave?

TobeC

One thing I've learned in my journey is no one controls your mind. You do. Emotions are just feelings that have been allowed to stick around too long. Feel the feels, acknowledge them and let them go. Focus on yourself. The alcoholic needs to focus on recognizing there's a problem and addressing it. You can not control anything other than yourself. Mindful meditation is a huge part of my recovery and I use it all the time. I recommend it. Learn to love yourself first and all will come into alignment again. If you can't love yourself, really loving someone else is nearly impossible and the next relationship you end up in will not be the best it could be. I know it's hard to see it right now but you will be okay.