Refiner

Hi, Board... I'm new to this and have questions and need support. A dear friend of mine has finally had it and he is leaving his alcoholic wife after MANY years of marriage. They are both in their 70's. She's never worked a day in her life. He worked very hard his whole life and has always provided a comfortable home for his family. At this point in time, none of their adult children will have anything to do with the mother. She threatens to destroy everything they own if he leaves her. Says she will commit suicide, too, but admits to her sister she does not have the guts to do it. After totaling their car a couple of weeks ago driving drunk and mowing down mailboxes, he finally had enough and went t a lawyer. She will be served papers tomorrow and will go absolutely crazy on him that he is divorcing her. But here's the kicker... she cannot take care of herself. She hasn't bathed in months, is too drunk and pilled out to even aim into the toilet, obviously. Won't smoke outside if the temperature is below 65 because it's "too cold for her" so closes herself in her closet and smokes. The house is filthy and trashed because of her (so they won't be able to sell it). The cops told her she was no longer allowed to drive (small town barney fife's that should have arrested her and taken her license away), I could go on and on. She won't know the first thing about paying a bill and will need to find something to rent on the cheap with the little he will be foreced by the courts to give her (pension). What do you think may happen?

suki44883

No way to tell what might happen. She might decide to get some help or she may actually try to kill herself, or she may just keep doing what she's doing and be found dead one day.

We cannot save them.

FireSprite

Who knows? It's extremely unlikely she'll find her rock bottom, at this age, after so many years of being enabled, simply because he has chosen to make a healthy decision for himself.

It certainly doesn't sound good for her at all. I would guess that she will batter the rest of those around her trying to bully or guilt them into helping her until she runs out of people to harrass or finds someone willing to put up with it. On the awfulizing side, it's not too far fetched to expect her to eventually end up homeless and even worse off than she is right now. How heartbreaking.

Refiner

Thanks, Suki. You are so right. She's been to rehab too many times to count over the past 10 years and leaves after a couple of days saying "it was stupid". And she's a naricissist on top of her alcoholism entitlement and likes herself too much to kill herself. I think it will be the third one.

Refiner

Thanks, FireSprite... that's the thing... she has already bullied and battered every friend and family member harrassing them that it's all their fault she's like the way she is and they've had enough. A stranger isn't going to step in and help, that's for sure. They need to probably change their phone numbers when this all goes down, that's for sure =:-0

hopeful4

Once she realizes they mean business, she will try to guilt and bully some more. They should be prepared to be rock solid on this. She will also most likely go through the "I am going to do better" phase when she realizes she is truly alone. It's a ploy to get them to stay.

It sounds more than likely she will try to drive and kill someone else or she will die due to catching the house on fire by smoking while passed out or of alcohol related illness.

That sounds very very grim but it is quite likely the reality. The thing is, it sounds like it is the reality no matter if he stays or if he goes, so why stay and punish himself for something he did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure?

I am sorry this sounds so very harsh, but alcoholism to that point is a death sentence for someone.

Bubovski

Acutely tricky at that age.
Depending on how long she has been that way, there could be some hope.
AA for example, I got back there having turned 70.
Is Alzheimers possibly a contributing factor?
The old chap certainly seems to need a break.

feeling-good

It doesn't sound like there will be a good outcome for the wife. I just wanted to say my thoughts and prayers are with you, your good friend and his wife. I truly hope some good things will happen as a result of this action. Main thing is to be there for your friend - listen, hug, be solid.

Refiner

Wow my original post that was ONE of the reasons I joined (along with my A sister who followed along shortly). So, 3 years later and somehow she's still alive. Her oldest daughter who is a Welfare Queen got her incapacitated Mom moved closer to her and is draining her bank account. The A got half of her successful husband's pension and she still has not bathed since the day of my first post. She has one tooth left in her head. This woman used to HAVE IT ALL. And now I'm hearing her addict daughter is preying on her and is giving her alcohol so she can drain her bank account. The other two family members don't want to "make waves". Isn't this elder abuse and is there an agency I can report it to?

LexieCat

It might or might not be a provable crime, but it sounds like she needs protection. You can contact the police and/or the adult protective services agency in your state. If you google it, with the state name, you should be able to find it.

Refiner

Thanks Lexie.

least

Yes, do report it. They'll make a home visit to assess the situation.

dandylion

Refiner.....I will chime in, here, to say that it might not be totally hopeless...depending on what type of actions are taken...

When I co-ordinated a program in Wash D.C.....in extremely difficult cases, I could get a patient admitted (against their will)....by contacting a judge, (directly, myself)....and two family members had to sign to allow this. They could be admitted for a max of thirty days at the mental instituation. This allowed time to get them stabilized---then, further plans were made, according to circumstance.
At her age, she might be placed in an assisted living situation, through the social workers....
I am very vague on this....but, I believe that in some states, there is a possibility for certain legal actions if she is a threat to her own self and others (a mentally compromised senior smoking in a closet !)....
Like Lexie said....calling on an agency ---adult protective services to evaluate the situation.
It sounds like the family has pretty much thrown up their hands, out of pure frustration. They may have lost all of their "fight"?

Refiner

Thanks Dandy. One problem is she can turn on "normal" in a heartbeat and refuses to be committed. But how in the world can someone who literally has not bathed in over 3 years and allows her teeth to rot out and live in a feces covered pigsty be considered normal!? SO frustrating! I guess she wasn't getting her booze fast enough bc Welfare Queen was fat and happy for awhile after getting 10k out of her so she found a liquor store who delivered and when they delivered and saw the shape of things they refused further service.

Forward12

I would for sure contact the local adult protective services. It sounds like she may have some serious mental issues on top of the alcoholism.

Refiner

Yes she does for sure.

schnappi99

Its a very sad, painful situation. I had occasion to help in the cleanup after a situation not too different, though it didn't involve alcohol to my knowledge. OTOH it was a 30+ year hoarder situation. The elderly lady wouldn't let anyone but her kids in the house- for good reason- they would ship her food via amazon (no grocery store in town and her car was not in reasonable condition) but she refused all offers to move her out to live with or near them... and so she stayed for decades until she passed away on her couch late January this year. A concerned neighbor called the fire co, they broke in and found her. The furnace was offline, toilet mostly clogged, no lights working in the bathroom, shower internal drain plug seized closed and dining room ceiling ruined from bathroom leaks thru the ceiling, kitchen sink rusted out and leaking everywhere. The son is an aquaintance of mine from childhood so I came in to fix the plumbing, electrical, get the place livable for the estate process. The path thru the clutter was heartbreaking- the only room in the house not full of it was the bathroom; dark, cold, smelly and mostly broken, and there were two impassable rooms. I still remember the smell. The thing that cuts me every time I think about it was the pair of drain clog remover snakes she bought, to try and get the tub draining.

The only good I can see in the situation was she got to die in her house of 50+ years, with her stuff- not forced into a hospital bed and compelled to be a patient- because that would be the only way to get her out of there. I saw the wedding and honeymoon pictures of her and her husband, it was their house and their life.

Not saying people should be abandoned, but sometimes I wonder who is getting what out of a forcible intervention by the well-meaning.