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Old 10-21-2001, 02:52 PM
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lady
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Post changes only with God's help

Dear al-anon friends- I have been blessed to have found alanon. For 17 years I struggled on my own with my husband's drinking. Three and 1/2 years ago I was told by a friend to attend al-anon because she saw how I was obcessed with my husband's drinking. I quickly learned that al-anon was for me and not for my husband! I realized immediately that I could no longer tell my husband what to do about his drinking (of course I'm good about telling him what he should do in other aspects of his life!).
I have now reached a point however, where I need to tell him how I feel about his drinking- this is different than telling him how much to drink. I have recently told him that I am going to al-anon- he was disturbed by this and wondered how much he could still drink per day and me not go to al-anon! Of course I told him al anon was for me and not him.
But lately I've really been hurt by watching him drink. I realize that it is his decision to continue drinking. I finally told him that his drinking is interferring with our relationship. Obviously he didn't agree. I know that I'm no angel in our relationship and that I must keep the focus on changing myself.
My prayer now is that I trust that the Lord will provide me with the strength I need to take one day at a time.
I'm married to an individual who does have a lot of compassion and is very athletic. We enjoy doing a lot of things together. Most aspects of our relationship are good. Al-anon has helped me become a better wife to him.
Thanks for letting me share. If anyone has comments, please do so!
 
Old 10-22-2001, 07:41 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Hi Lady and welcome to the forum!

Curiously, I was just commenting to Skeptical about her husbands fear of al-anon (and other self help avenues she might pursue) as well as the criticism I hear from Dino (the addict in my life) of nar-anon and all it's evil mind-controlling aspects. I giggled (I hope you don't mind) when I read your comment about your husband trying to bargain you out of going to meetings. How much could he reduce his drinking to a day to keep you from going? Poor guy. Tell him that anon groups and forums such as this are even for people whose loved ones USED to drink or use drugs.

Dino thinks that anon groups will warp your brain. I think dealing with him warped my brain. It's not surprising that you encounter a few obsessed or flakey people... they all had addicts in their life.

If your husband knows you are going to al-anon, he already knows his drinking bothers you. He probably even knows why, whether he is ready to admit it or not.

Keep doing what you're doing for YOU. I hope he finds the courage to join you.

Smoke
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Old 10-24-2001, 11:47 AM
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Laurie
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Lady,

How long have you been married? For 17 years? Was he drinking when you married or did he start shortly thereafter (the three years)? Has he, for the past 17 years, been drinking?

I feel kind of helpless. It seems like I don't really know your situation. But, it seems like it might really take him a while for him to get used to you going to Al-Anon.

I have been married for 15 years so our situations seem very similar. He has been drinking the entire time. I have just gotten tired of it.

I really want to work on my marriage but I can't make him stop. I will have to decide if I can live with his drinking.

I feel that my vows are for a lifetime, but how much do I suffer. I really think my husband is a wonderful man. I am luckily to have him. His drinking is getting to be too much.

Back to you! What do hope to gain by telling
him how you feel about his drinking?

Do you think you will blindside him?
 

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