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14 years sober - but still addicted

Old 10-30-2001, 06:01 AM
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goodsearch
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14 years sober - but still addicted

my husband has been sober for 14 years. he has been active in AA all that time, leading a Friday night meeting at a half-way house and serving on the board, etc. We have been married for 5 years.

i am apparently sicker than i thought i was. my husband's addiction to "alcohol substitutes" (like computer games and television sports) seems to be getting worse as he gets older and more isolated.

about two months ago he moved into the half-way house himself, ostensibly to supervise a construction project, and to get some "Peace and quiet". Away from my bitching. Away from the constant talking. Away from my need for attention and affection.

at first i took the blame. i DO talk a lot, and i'm not shy about letting him know that there are TWO of us in this relationship. i have bitched at him pretty bad about not spending time with me, to no avail. the more i ask for quality time, the more he retreats into his shell (computer games and other isolating activities).

this morning, ladies, i am ready to let him go and get on with my life. i have taken responsibility for my part in this "dry drunk" marriage, and now i am ready to move on and recover. i don't want to be this sick any more. i have to detach, walk away, leave him with his God, and re-connect with my own self-esteem.

thanks for letting me vent. now i've got to go find a job at the age of 55 after not working for more than 5 years. i think i'll have a pity party...

anybody wanna hire a legal secretary/bookkeeper in houston?
 
Old 10-30-2001, 06:11 AM
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Sigh, I fear this is going to be my fate as well. I am only 26 and I am employed (in fact, I am the breadwinner of our family) but I fear a dry drunk husband who cannot give me the relationship I need even if he sobers up. I wish you luck in your search for a new life. I must say, though, that as much as you want to have a pity party, I envy that your life is beginning fresh soon. I don't have any idea how long I will be with my husband questioning whether I should stay until I finally leave. I know its sounds pessimistic to assume it won't work out, but really, I do envy your position of having made your decision. Good luck!
 
Old 10-30-2001, 05:00 PM
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goodsearch welcome to the recovery forum. I applaud your efforts and suggest that you get in touch with a 12 Step program not unlike Al-Anon for your own recovery process. I just happen to have a legal secretary spot in Houston (smile).

Gibson Arnold & Associates
Houston, Texas
ph. 713-572-3000
fax.713-572-4664
[email protected]

I hope this helps you in some small way. I am praying for you and your family.

Just for Today---------I am Sober
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Old 10-30-2001, 05:17 PM
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thanks, pernell. my husband says i have a black belt in al-anon. i started a new meeting in our neighborhood about a year ago and was a GR for the first few months.

actually, it was al-anon that helped me to realize it was okay for me to ask for what i needed from the relationship, and that's what broke us up (according to jim). i got too demanding. he couldn't be so self-absorbed any more if we weren't BOTH concentrating on HIS needs. when i let go of my co-dependence and started to focus on my own "stuff", he decided he didn't need a wife after all.

as i said, i'll take responsibility for my half of the deal. i stood up and asked for attention- sometimes i demanded it. i wasn't a very nice person. but the other half of it is his. he just flat WON'T give me the attention and time he KNOWS i need.

so we are at a standoff.

anyway... you are in new jersey... how do you know this law firm in houston? and are you serious about them having a job opening?
 
Old 10-31-2001, 03:32 AM
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Goodsearch, now you want to know my secrets (smile). Let us start here, when alcoholics/addicts get sober, they should start a program of some kind and the significant other such as yourself should also work a program. The problem is there is something called "abstinence crisis" meaning although you did not approve of the addiction, you knew how to relate to one another. The crisis begins with sobriety because, the addict now has different interest and the support necessary for each of you is different. Recognizing this phenomenon and addressing it. Usually maintains the family structure and balance. I cannot make any suggestion because I do not know the exact nature or direction the crisis has taken. I can say, with the above information, it gives you a starting place. I speak from personal and professional experience.
About the job, sure I am in New Jersey but the Internet is the latest and the greatest invention. I am frequent visitor to: www.monster.com. Now you know my hard fought for and acquired secrets.


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