How do I stop enabling?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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How do I stop enabling?
I've read up a bit on enabling an addict and I started realizing that even though I made my stand about not buying my AW alcohol a few years ago, nor taking her to the store so she can do it herself when she's been drinking, I am still an enabler of sorts. I know this because when I wake up in the middle of the night and find her passed out on the floor in the kitchen, I help her get to bed. Or if she breaks something, I usually have to clean it up in the moment or I'll end up cleaning it up the next day anyway -- not to mention whether or not our pets should be walking through the debris.
I tell myself it's for my own sake in the morning when I get up so I don't have to trip over her and/or her mess, but in the back of my mind I know I'm just keeping her from realizing how bad she got that night. She's told me not to worry so much when she doesn't make it to bed, but I have a hard time with that. Especially if she passes out on the back patio instead of inside the house. Because as much as it pains me to see her like this, I would probably never forgive myself if I let her freeze to death because of my inaction. I don't know how to stop doing what I consider the right thing...
I tell myself it's for my own sake in the morning when I get up so I don't have to trip over her and/or her mess, but in the back of my mind I know I'm just keeping her from realizing how bad she got that night. She's told me not to worry so much when she doesn't make it to bed, but I have a hard time with that. Especially if she passes out on the back patio instead of inside the house. Because as much as it pains me to see her like this, I would probably never forgive myself if I let her freeze to death because of my inaction. I don't know how to stop doing what I consider the right thing...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I know that with my ex, things reached a point where he needed full time caretaking in order to continue drinking. As long as I stayed where I was, I was enabling just by being there, trying to live some semblance of a normal life and somewhat protecting myself, my kids and the pets from the fallout of his drinking behavior.
I had to leave in order to stop enabling. I know it's not that easy, and I understand all the fear and guilt involved in such a decision. I thought he would literally die without me there to take care of him. And he might have, if he hadn't found a series of new enablers. Not the ending I was hoping for, but at least I was no longer making myself a slave to his choices.
I had to leave in order to stop enabling. I know it's not that easy, and I understand all the fear and guilt involved in such a decision. I thought he would literally die without me there to take care of him. And he might have, if he hadn't found a series of new enablers. Not the ending I was hoping for, but at least I was no longer making myself a slave to his choices.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
This article that appeared on SR was very helpful to me....
Acceptance vs. Enabling: The Difference Between a Caring Habit and a Destructive Pattern
Acceptance vs. Enabling: The Difference Between a Caring Habit and a Destructive Pattern
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Good on ya for not buying alcoholic for her nor driving her to buy it.
You pose a good question as far as how much can you, yourself live in the mess she makes. Argh. I will let others chime in here.
You pose a good question as far as how much can you, yourself live in the mess she makes. Argh. I will let others chime in here.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
This is what happens, I believe, to many people in relationships
with active alcoholics
Learned Helplessness ? Out of the FOG
with active alcoholics
Learned Helplessness ? Out of the FOG
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
What abou you Mr. Mystery? You matter too. With all certainty, I can say you were not put on this earth to clean up messes after an adult woman who is choosing to drink herself silly night after night.
I must agree with ladyscribber, living in guilt and fear is not an acceptable standard of life for you, you certainly are worthy of more. That is something only you can decide.
I can assure you there are million of people on this planet who do not
Pass out on the floor or outside, everynight. I am sorry that this is where you are today. I wish you peace and clarity as you search for answers
I must agree with ladyscribber, living in guilt and fear is not an acceptable standard of life for you, you certainly are worthy of more. That is something only you can decide.
I can assure you there are million of people on this planet who do not
Pass out on the floor or outside, everynight. I am sorry that this is where you are today. I wish you peace and clarity as you search for answers
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MrMystery.....my comments are of a more practical bent. I will tell you what I have learned from prior discussions of your same question, here on SR.
When it comes to a decision involving life and limb....I don't believe that it is moral to ignore life saving actions...on the behalf of anybody. We don't let people die from freezing, or starvation or dehydration, etc.
Personally, I wouldn't leave someone in an unsafe place....where physical harm or death could, likely, result.
In the same vein, anything that would harm yourself or others, I believe is over the line.
for example, the pets shouldn't have to walk through vomit or excrement....neither should young children.
I can remember one wife, with children, asked if she should pay the utilities if he becomes irresponsible in doing it (he had, traditionally, covered the utilities).
The answer was: " By all means, pay the utilities! Don't do harm to yourself and the children by doing without electricity and water."
These are things that I have heard about enabling....
In most situations, leave them where they pass out, and, maybe, place a blanket over them....
don't lie for them....don't call in to work for them. don't make excuses for them.
Don't buy liquor for them.
(on the other hand, don't let they die from delirium tremens).
don't bail them out of jail...don't pay for their DUI..
Don't do things for them that they can and should do for themselves....
In general, don't make it more comfortable for them to drink or avoid pulling their own weight.
don't tolerate their abuse of yourself or children and pets...
It is impossible to make it black and white, as, obviously, many situations can be scenario dependent.
These are daily decisions that you will learn to make for yourself..using your own judgement.
It can be difficult and confusing to halt habits that have been in place for some time....(and they might not like the changes, either!)....
I think it is progress if you are aware that you may have contributed by enabling her......
When it comes to a decision involving life and limb....I don't believe that it is moral to ignore life saving actions...on the behalf of anybody. We don't let people die from freezing, or starvation or dehydration, etc.
Personally, I wouldn't leave someone in an unsafe place....where physical harm or death could, likely, result.
In the same vein, anything that would harm yourself or others, I believe is over the line.
for example, the pets shouldn't have to walk through vomit or excrement....neither should young children.
I can remember one wife, with children, asked if she should pay the utilities if he becomes irresponsible in doing it (he had, traditionally, covered the utilities).
The answer was: " By all means, pay the utilities! Don't do harm to yourself and the children by doing without electricity and water."
These are things that I have heard about enabling....
In most situations, leave them where they pass out, and, maybe, place a blanket over them....
don't lie for them....don't call in to work for them. don't make excuses for them.
Don't buy liquor for them.
(on the other hand, don't let they die from delirium tremens).
don't bail them out of jail...don't pay for their DUI..
Don't do things for them that they can and should do for themselves....
In general, don't make it more comfortable for them to drink or avoid pulling their own weight.
don't tolerate their abuse of yourself or children and pets...
It is impossible to make it black and white, as, obviously, many situations can be scenario dependent.
These are daily decisions that you will learn to make for yourself..using your own judgement.
It can be difficult and confusing to halt habits that have been in place for some time....(and they might not like the changes, either!)....
I think it is progress if you are aware that you may have contributed by enabling her......
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
How do we stop enabling.... I think being aware of the actions that are enabling is a huge step. I went around on autopilot for so long that I wasn't even aware of how much energy I spent on cleaning up his messes, so to speak. (Physical messes, issues with his work, etc.) Trying to tackle everything at once would have been overwhelming, so it helped to start with One-Thing-I-Will-No-Longer-Do. Once I felt like I had a decent handle on that thing, I'd try another.
FWIW, I agree with Dandylion. I think there's a difference between enabling behaviors and stuff that should just be done. Not leaving her to freeze to death and making sure your pets are safe are two of those. If the debris your AW ends up making will injure your pets, and she's in no condition to take care of it, I'd be inclined to clean it up, for your pets' sake - not hers. With the passing out outside, I think it's enough to make sure they're warm and safe, rather than making sure they're all comfy and tucked into bed.
It's not necessarily everything that you have to completely stop - right now - or else. After all, it took us a while to learn these behaviors that enable our loved ones, it's going to take time to unlearn them.
FWIW, I agree with Dandylion. I think there's a difference between enabling behaviors and stuff that should just be done. Not leaving her to freeze to death and making sure your pets are safe are two of those. If the debris your AW ends up making will injure your pets, and she's in no condition to take care of it, I'd be inclined to clean it up, for your pets' sake - not hers. With the passing out outside, I think it's enough to make sure they're warm and safe, rather than making sure they're all comfy and tucked into bed.
It's not necessarily everything that you have to completely stop - right now - or else. After all, it took us a while to learn these behaviors that enable our loved ones, it's going to take time to unlearn them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
I had to leave in order to stop enabling. I know it's not that easy, and I understand all the fear and guilt involved in such a decision. I thought he would literally die without me there to take care of him. And he might have, if he hadn't found a series of new enablers. Not the ending I was hoping for, but at least I was no longer making myself a slave to his choices.
Originally Posted by marie1960
I can assure you there are million of people on this planet who do not
Pass out on the floor or outside, everynight. I am sorry that this is where you are today. I wish you peace and clarity as you search for answers
Pass out on the floor or outside, everynight. I am sorry that this is where you are today. I wish you peace and clarity as you search for answers
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
How do we stop enabling.... I think being aware of the actions that are enabling is a huge step. I went around on autopilot for so long that I wasn't even aware of how much energy I spent on cleaning up his messes, so to speak. (Physical messes, issues with his work, etc.) Trying to tackle everything at once would have been overwhelming, so it helped to start with One-Thing-I-Will-No-Longer-Do. Once I felt like I had a decent handle on that thing, I'd try another.
Still, it's hard for me to sleep knowing that she's passed out on the floor (or just somewhere other than her spot in the bed). I mean, literally I can't sleep once I realize (a) what time it is and (b) she's not there and the house is quiet. I figure since I won't be able to sleep I might as well put her to bed and not sleep with a clear conscience that she's not hurt or worse. I know this is the hardest part of one-thing-I-will-no-longer-do but I'm hoping to get better at it...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah - I agree you can't leave someone to freeze to death. You could put a blanket on her, and a mustache drawn with a sharpie seems like an acceptable pat on your own back for your efforts 
In all seriousness - how much of your life do you want to spend making sure she doesn't kill herself in during a blind drunk episode? Cause it's only going to get worse, and it's going to happen anyway unless she wants to change.
Sending you some peace and clarity. We've been there, it's painful.
In all seriousness - how much of your life do you want to spend making sure she doesn't kill herself in during a blind drunk episode? Cause it's only going to get worse, and it's going to happen anyway unless she wants to change.
Sending you some peace and clarity. We've been there, it's painful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
So last night AW woke me up at 1:30am yelling for me because she found herself passed out on the floor and wanted me to help her to bed. I tried ignoring her but she kept getting louder and louder. I helped her to bed as usual but she kept mumbling to herself about how she hates me interspersed with requests for sex (which I turned down). Just as I was starting to drift off again she'd try engaging me in conversation and I'd get irritated with her. Lots of stuff about how she's tired of "being a good girl all the time" and other self-pitying things I could barely understand.
Anyway, I made her cry because I told her that I love her tremendously but I'm tired of being her second priority all the time. Will she get the message? She was in a state in which she does not always remember the next day what we said so I won't know until later whether she understands what I told her. I don't think it's still yet enough for her to *want* to stop drinking, but I also know that's not my decision to make for her either....
Anyway, I made her cry because I told her that I love her tremendously but I'm tired of being her second priority all the time. Will she get the message? She was in a state in which she does not always remember the next day what we said so I won't know until later whether she understands what I told her. I don't think it's still yet enough for her to *want* to stop drinking, but I also know that's not my decision to make for her either....
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
How does she get her alcohol?
Where does the money come from?
My heart goes out to you!!
Have you ever been able to sit down and have a conversation about getting help or did I miss that from your post?
Where does the money come from?
My heart goes out to you!!
Have you ever been able to sit down and have a conversation about getting help or did I miss that from your post?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mr. Mystery.....I learned, a long time ago, the hard way---that anything said to a drunk person is pretty much a waste of time.....
I, also, do not take anything that they say at face value, either...as they are not in a normal state of mind.
I would not expect what you said to her to have any impact on her drinking. It might **** her off (if she even remembered it), though.
I would suggest that, if she keeps you awake at night...to go sleep in the guest room, or on the couch.....If she doesn't like that...it is a natural consequence of her drunkenness keeping you awake....
I, also, do not take anything that they say at face value, either...as they are not in a normal state of mind.
I would not expect what you said to her to have any impact on her drinking. It might **** her off (if she even remembered it), though.
I would suggest that, if she keeps you awake at night...to go sleep in the guest room, or on the couch.....If she doesn't like that...it is a natural consequence of her drunkenness keeping you awake....
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
prayers to all for so many reasons.. for we are who we are.. and the people in our families are all tied to us one way or the other.. how do you just stop .. I don't know.. just know when my Pop passed away.. my Mom has had a better life.. misses him.. but not a lot of the rest of that life.. its so hard kids and beans. and sad. hugs prayers and love..
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
trust me, she didn't GET IT. nothing you have said, could say or will say is going to make her GET IT. especially when **** ass drunk.
for her it's just same ole same ole. get drunk, get stupid, roll around and be as annoying as humanly possible. lather rinse repeat.
this is your life too. ALL this falderal and pure nonsense is due to HER drinking and YOU not accepting that that is what she does. you enable by not seeing.
for her it's just same ole same ole. get drunk, get stupid, roll around and be as annoying as humanly possible. lather rinse repeat.
this is your life too. ALL this falderal and pure nonsense is due to HER drinking and YOU not accepting that that is what she does. you enable by not seeing.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, she doesn't know what she said, doesn't know what you said. Doesn't care, means nothing to her.
Depending on where you live (you could be breaking the law if your state doesn't permit it), you might try video recording her when she is like this. Let her see what you do. How she looks, how she behaves. Don't show it to anyone else (unless you need it for court, and don't do it without legal advice), just show it to her. When she's SOBER.
It MIGHT be upsetting enough to get her to realize how awful this is. I wouldn't count on her being so upset about what it's doing to YOU, but lots of drunks really have no idea how ugly they are when they drink. It might make some impression on her, if only for the sake of her own vanity.
Just a thought, but as I said, check your legal right to do it, first.
Depending on where you live (you could be breaking the law if your state doesn't permit it), you might try video recording her when she is like this. Let her see what you do. How she looks, how she behaves. Don't show it to anyone else (unless you need it for court, and don't do it without legal advice), just show it to her. When she's SOBER.
It MIGHT be upsetting enough to get her to realize how awful this is. I wouldn't count on her being so upset about what it's doing to YOU, but lots of drunks really have no idea how ugly they are when they drink. It might make some impression on her, if only for the sake of her own vanity.
Just a thought, but as I said, check your legal right to do it, first.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by LexieCat
you might try video recording her when she is like this. Let her see what you do. How she looks, how she behaves. Don't show it to anyone else ... just show it to her. When she's SOBER.
It MIGHT be upsetting enough to get her to realize how awful this is. I wouldn't count on her being so upset about what it's doing to YOU, but lots of drunks really have no idea how ugly they are when they drink. It might make some impression on her, if only for the sake of her own vanity.
Just a thought, but as I said, check your legal right to do it, first.
It MIGHT be upsetting enough to get her to realize how awful this is. I wouldn't count on her being so upset about what it's doing to YOU, but lots of drunks really have no idea how ugly they are when they drink. It might make some impression on her, if only for the sake of her own vanity.
Just a thought, but as I said, check your legal right to do it, first.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Mr M, removing yourself from her vicinity would possibly the most calming action for you. No ultimatums or 'proving' anything.
Think about whether it's possible to do within the confines of your house - like a spare bedroom with a lock and a telly so you can leave her to it.
Think about whether it's possible to do within the confines of your house - like a spare bedroom with a lock and a telly so you can leave her to it.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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M,
Not fun living with an addict. I never engaged with axh when drunk. (Later in years) Someone said to me she speaks one language and you speak another. You don't understand her she doesn't understand you. So don't waste your time. Apologize if she is pissed about something and go back to bed. I eventually started leaving the home in the middle of the night because he wouldn't leave me alone and wanted to fight. I slept in my car about a half a dozen times just to get away from him.
What are you doing for your recovery program? Are you hitting any meetings or a therapist? They do help, I went to 4 meetings a week towards the end of my marriage. It helped a ton.
Not fun living with an addict. I never engaged with axh when drunk. (Later in years) Someone said to me she speaks one language and you speak another. You don't understand her she doesn't understand you. So don't waste your time. Apologize if she is pissed about something and go back to bed. I eventually started leaving the home in the middle of the night because he wouldn't leave me alone and wanted to fight. I slept in my car about a half a dozen times just to get away from him.
What are you doing for your recovery program? Are you hitting any meetings or a therapist? They do help, I went to 4 meetings a week towards the end of my marriage. It helped a ton.
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