How do I stop enabling?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
This sounds like an unbearable situation. I'd be tempted to leave or have her leave. You're losing sleep. Not good. It's stressing you out. Not good.
In the meantime, you're still in a relationship in which your needs are not being met. How much more of this can you take before you start doing unhealthy things yourself? Beware of the "double winner" thing. Many co-pendents become addicts themselves.
In the meantime, you're still in a relationship in which your needs are not being met. How much more of this can you take before you start doing unhealthy things yourself? Beware of the "double winner" thing. Many co-pendents become addicts themselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Well, as they say on TV "myth confirmed!" She woke up the next day with the only recollection being that she made me irritated and didn't know why. I tried explaining to her and of course I'm wrong that she places alcohol 1st on her priorities. Meanwhile she's feeling like crap on a stick, but still opening the bottle that will be her next foray into her addiction. But at least she thought about it first and acted a little hesitant but I didn't point out the hypocrisy at the time (nor would I -- at least not to belittle her). She asked me (before the other night) why I seem so distant, but doesn't seem willing to believe my answer that I don't want to be walking on eggshells not knowing which "her" I will be dealing with tonight. I'm supposedly the love of her life, but sometimes I think I'm just a placeholder.
To the previous questions, I do not have any regular or scheduled recovery or meetings/therapy sessions at all. I know I should but I have not yet checked with my insurance first to make sure I'm covered for it. And when things get angry between us, she's taken to going to the guest room herself. It doesn't happen often, and every time I say I will do so she either goes herself or tries to turn around and be conciliatory and "make things right".
To the previous questions, I do not have any regular or scheduled recovery or meetings/therapy sessions at all. I know I should but I have not yet checked with my insurance first to make sure I'm covered for it. And when things get angry between us, she's taken to going to the guest room herself. It doesn't happen often, and every time I say I will do so she either goes herself or tries to turn around and be conciliatory and "make things right".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you don't need her permission to making appointments for yourself. you don't even have to TELL her. your life seems to have become about how to placate and mollify this overgrown toddler and her tantrums.
what if you actually start treating her like the ADULT she is? speak to and tolerate being spoken to as you would any other adult.....with kindness or at least civility. assume she can handle her own problems....she talks about them enough, surely she can talk thru to the solutions. don't put up with being harangued, or chastised, or verbally beaten up. and if she gets mad....
SO WHAT!??? unless she is holding a nuclear bomb, you can move to a safe distance and not get any on you. EVERY time you give her an audience, EVERY time you let her go on and on, EVERY time you try to talk to her when she's drunk, you ENFORCE her role as Queen.
what if you actually start treating her like the ADULT she is? speak to and tolerate being spoken to as you would any other adult.....with kindness or at least civility. assume she can handle her own problems....she talks about them enough, surely she can talk thru to the solutions. don't put up with being harangued, or chastised, or verbally beaten up. and if she gets mad....
SO WHAT!??? unless she is holding a nuclear bomb, you can move to a safe distance and not get any on you. EVERY time you give her an audience, EVERY time you let her go on and on, EVERY time you try to talk to her when she's drunk, you ENFORCE her role as Queen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000 
You might have overlooked it but, where is she getting money for the alcohol?
Is she employed?
Is she employed?
LexieCat, I'm not a fan of the "higher power" method although I understand it works for lots of people. I've been checking out the section here on secular recovery I just haven't put much time into seeking something out for myself. I was also replying about therapy, which does cost money, and my insurance may cover. It's just a matter of putting in the time and finding something I can work with.
Anvilhead, I understand what you are saying. I have spent a lot of time trying to treat her as an equal and get stepped on for my efforts. I pointed out to her how many of our conversations are just her repeating herself to herself because I am not allowed to interject or change the subject and she doesn't believe me. This was one of the reasons I've thought about recording her, because I think I need her to understand why I feel how I do about her addiction. But as you and others keep pointing out, she's perfectly capable of reasoning this for herself and I should just take care of me
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I pointed out to her how many of our conversations are just her repeating herself to herself because I am not allowed to interject or change the subject and she doesn't believe me.
those are not conversations....those are the rants of a drunk.
telling her what you see or think or feel about this has NO effect on her. you must internalize the lesson here. you say you are not ALLOWED to speak.....yes you are, REGARDLESS of what she says.
you are not dealing with an "equal". you are dealing with an alcoholic whose brain does not work like yours.
those are not conversations....those are the rants of a drunk.
telling her what you see or think or feel about this has NO effect on her. you must internalize the lesson here. you say you are not ALLOWED to speak.....yes you are, REGARDLESS of what she says.
you are not dealing with an "equal". you are dealing with an alcoholic whose brain does not work like yours.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
M,
She does not have a problem with her drinking, you do. So it's not her problem, it's yours. What is your plan about your problem? Trying to have a logical conversation with an addict, is really not possible. You will just continue beating yourself up over it as nothing changes if nothing changes.
There is help out there for you my friend, if you want it, life will get better. No promises that she will. Sending hugs!!
She does not have a problem with her drinking, you do. So it's not her problem, it's yours. What is your plan about your problem? Trying to have a logical conversation with an addict, is really not possible. You will just continue beating yourself up over it as nothing changes if nothing changes.
There is help out there for you my friend, if you want it, life will get better. No promises that she will. Sending hugs!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
FYI, the "Higher Power" can be any power greater than yourself. I tend toward the agnostic, myself, and I know people who think about the power of the universe as their higher power. It's mostly about getting out of your own way. Dealing with alcoholism doesn't lend itself to analytic logic.
You might try it again with that mindset.
You might try it again with that mindset.
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