healthyagain

Ever since I left my AH, it is like the whole new world opened for me. And it is great most of the time, but it is also learning how to live again. Another issue is that I come from a totally different culture, so I'm still learning how things are done here.

There is something I've noticed that kinda bothers me. It might sound funny, but I hate being called "hon." I can tolerate it when it is an older person, or when it is said jokingly among friends, but there is something that really triggers me.

Now I come from a culture that has two forms of the pronoun you. It is kinda like in German language. "du" is you, but so is "Sie," capitalized. When you talk to someone unknown, you will use the capital form, out of respect. I think that language creates an automatic boundary and there is respectful atmosphere when people are interacting.

So, for almost 30 years, I had lived in this culture of "formalities," and then I start being called hon, in a small Midwestern town, and I have these ladies, being all worried about me, as if I am some little kid, and asking questions that I do not find appropriate. And all I hear is in my head is "boundaries, boundaries, boundaries," and then I wonder, are they crossing them? Is this "normal"? Am I being too sensitive?

Or, another example: I am chatting to a person that I could describe as a friendly acquaintance, and I say that I would like to move to another town. Her first reaction is, "But it is so expensive! So what degree do you have? And driving there is much worse." My inner reaction to this is, "Hey, this is not exactly what you should say. And how do you know how much I earn?" My first gut feeling is that she was inappropriate. But I do not know, I always think it is me who cannot read the social cues anymore.

Nata1980

I could have written that - same situation, just in the South - where it is much worse. You get used to it, and after a while you will go visit Germany and freak them out with saying hi to everyone, and smiling all the time. Happened to me

We were just discussing the pronoun thing with my friends mom (also from Europe) - she felt like people disrespected her by not addressing her by name - just "hon" or "m'am". Cultural difference.

One of the biggest cultural shocks was a woman telling me about her closeted gay ex husband - and I did not even introduce myself to her. Or people talking about their medical conditions. Or divorce. People I work still don't know about mine. I am comfortable with people being overly familiar, but I don't feel like I have to match level of familiarity, thus maintaining my boundaries

healthyagain

See, I am thinking really hard now, the only times I could call someone honey is a child up to 6-7 years old, or a lover. And "hon" would be only for a child.

LexieCat

I think it's really just a matter of culture-shock when you move to a new place. I went through some of that when I moved from Colorado to New Jersey. I'm accustomed to it now, and really, it's just a manner of speaking and relating to people. People might find YOU to be "cold" or "stuck up" because of the way you are accustomed to speaking.

You don't have to go all-out to be just like them, but maybe dropping a bit of your accustomed formality, and learning to smile and engage with people, even when they address you in ways you find off-putting, will go a long way toward making them warm up to you.

I'd note that it's a totally different thing when people treat you in a different, or demeaning, way based upon your sex or race or age. But if the waitress or clerk calls EVERYBODY "hon" (which is likely), it's just something you have to get used to if you want to be comfortable.

BTW, an old friend of mine told me he learned long ago to call ALL women "hon"--it avoided the awkwardness of accidentally using the wrong name! (He was something of a ladies' man--and the way he said it, it didn't come off as offensive.)

Refiner

The "hon" thing... ick! I hate it too, and even have someone in the company I work in who is YOUNGER than me call me "hon"... SOOOO unprofessional (and inappropriate in a corporate atmosphere). But in an environment that's not business, but friendly, it's just a way some folks from the south or even midwest sometimes like to talk. Don't take it personally and try to let it ride. As for the other woman harking on how expensive it is, how much worse the drive is, and asking your degree... YIKES! That was very inappropriate and something we may say here is "diarrhea of the mouth" LOL.

firebolt

Ha - I live in Montana.

I am called: Darlin, Sugar, Good Lookin, Sweetie, etc etc by strangers - men and women.

I could argue that it's seriously inappropriate - really, it is a little invasive and at times gives me the feeling that I was just patronizingly pat on the head. But, it isn't going to change anything, and it is not intended to make me feel bad.

Plus - I do it back now

I'm on the uphill side of 40, and was changing off a flat tire in my driveway a month or so ago. Nothing like waking up to a flat when you are trying to get on the road for girls weekend to put you in a 'mood.'

A late 60 something man who walks my neighborhood often saw me (sitting on the ground sweating and reefing on my lug nuts) and informed me that " Sweet Pea, you should have your boyfriend or your mechanic do that like I do when my car needs work."

I replied: "Punkin, I'm the mechanic in my house and for most of my friends and family as well, and I'm happy to come over and fix your car too when I'm done."

I get it - the inappropriate questions and nudges as to how our lives should go are irritating, but we don't have to answer the questions or take the advice. I think now that I'm so conscientious of how pushy I am to others, I am definitely more sensitive to how pushy they are to me!

LexieCat

Love it!

healthyagain

Thanks! I can understand and accept it when it is part of a culture. And, yes, I am absolutely positive that to some people I look like Spock. LOL I also lowered my "tolerance threshold" significantly and always tell myself, "no, she did not mean that. Just take it eeeeeasy."

But this particular lady, who is much older, I do not know. I just had this feeling in my stomach. I'll tolerate, but be cautious.

dandylion

My attitude is----call me anything, as long as you call me to dinner on time......

dandylion

FireSprite

This sort of stuff can get to me depending on the person & their tone. A little 90-yr old lady calling me "Hon" vs. a male colleague close to my age are 2 totally different scenarios. Goes for all versions of this - sweetie, honey, sugar, etc. (and I hear them alllllll down here in the South)

Just so long as they don't "Bless my heart".... which is basically the passive-aggressive southern version of calling me a dumbass.

This is AWESOME!

healthyagain

She did say "bless your heart" once !!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I'll have to tell her to "Live long and prosper."

FireSprite

YES, perfect response!!!

You know, if she talks to everyone this way then it's just HER way of communicating. Right or wrong, it's not up to me to try to dictate her communication style but I can sit on the other side of the room & limit our interactions if I find her "way" to be triggering.

So yeah, kinda about boundaries in the sense of realizing that it's up to me to remove myself from the situation & not try to dictate other's behaviors.

CentralOhioDad

Just so long as they don't "Bless my heart".... which is basically the passive-aggressive southern version of calling me a dumbass.

Really?!?!? Is THAT what it means??? ;-)

Yes, I've used that on people as well, and meant it such as that. :-)

COD

LexieCat

Hm, I've generally heard "bless your heart" as an expression of sympathy, or gratitude. "Hey, I picked up your newspaper while I was coming in." "Well, bless your heart!" "I've had a horrible cold all week." "Aw, bless your heart!"

I can certainly imagine its being used as a euphemism for "dumbass" but I think you do have to consider the context.

dandylion

I was born and raised in the South. Appalachian Mountains, to be exact.
We were taught to be polite and friendly to strangers...and, above all...to be respectful of our elders.

to be honest....I am a little saddened to hear so many people being disparaging of my people.......

dandylion

Eauchiche

I am uber-picky right now about being around people with poor/no boundaries.
The "hon" thing doesn't bother me, as I come from a culture where it is always a term of endearment.

I also recently went no-contact with my family of origin because they do not respect my boundaries.

ResignedToWait

Relevant Youtube link for Bless Your Heart Stand up comedy ...not too funny, but gives the general gist of Bless your heart in the south. =)

healthyagain

Awww, I'm sorry dandylion.

I strongly believe that the "culture shock" is, among other things, having your boundaries crossed by people who have no bad intentions at all. My experience is purely midwestern. People are in general extremely polite and pleasant. And I love love the old people.

However, I still have to digest the word "hon." But as long as no one says "bye Felicia," I guess I'll be ok. Or gives me the finger. I think that language is rather internationally universal.

FireSprite

The South contains incredible charm & respect too dandy - it's all relative to where you are, like anywhere. RAH's uncle was a pure Southern Gentleman.

Here's another one RTW that's a bit closer to *my* experiences with this phrase:

dandylion

Thanks, Firesprite!!!

dandylion