Alcoholic wife
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Alcoholic wife
Have any of you been able to forgive your spouse after they got black out drunk and had sex with another man?
She doesnt even remember the event
It happened last wed and she told me Saturday
Monday i woke up mad and told her to get out i couldnt do it
That night i left because she was drinking
I came home early the next day she was gone so i went to the nar and she was in the truck with a different guy (not same one)
She was still absolutely hammered
I check my bank account and she had paid for a hourly motel (sleazy palace inn)
Took her home and she passed out until 5 and woke up called crying etc
I told her we were done and she begged for help
I gave her a number for out of state rehab-she left the next morning for rehab in florida
We have been together since high school
We have 3 grown kids (youngest is 16)
Is it possible that she was just taken advantage by these men?
Is it possible she really didnt mean it?
Or am i just being taken advantage of by an alcoholic?
In my heart i want to forgive her as i do love her
But my mind is telling me to take my daughter and hit the road
Any suggestions to make me feel better?
I went to my 1st al anon meeting Thursday
I joind a mens group at church
But i am not able to completely open up in person which is why I am here
I actually posred originally on the alcoholism
She doesnt even remember the event
It happened last wed and she told me Saturday
Monday i woke up mad and told her to get out i couldnt do it
That night i left because she was drinking
I came home early the next day she was gone so i went to the nar and she was in the truck with a different guy (not same one)
She was still absolutely hammered
I check my bank account and she had paid for a hourly motel (sleazy palace inn)
Took her home and she passed out until 5 and woke up called crying etc
I told her we were done and she begged for help
I gave her a number for out of state rehab-she left the next morning for rehab in florida
We have been together since high school
We have 3 grown kids (youngest is 16)
Is it possible that she was just taken advantage by these men?
Is it possible she really didnt mean it?
Or am i just being taken advantage of by an alcoholic?
In my heart i want to forgive her as i do love her
But my mind is telling me to take my daughter and hit the road
Any suggestions to make me feel better?
I went to my 1st al anon meeting Thursday
I joind a mens group at church
But i am not able to completely open up in person which is why I am here
I actually posred originally on the alcoholism
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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To me being a drunk and being a cheater are two different issues. Drunks can just put the two things together easier than non-drunks. Cheating would most likely be a deal-breaker for me. It says tons about one's character and I would never be able to trust the person again. But that's just me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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if she was truly in a black out and could not remember, how could she then TELL you about the event? and then turns around and ends up in a truck with another guy? pays for a motel? i think it's a bigger problem....and i am very glad to hear she went to rehab......
perhaps she will sober up. at the very least you have some time to really think things thru.
for many cheating is a dealbreaker. she was with other men REPEATEDLY. you "know" of two..........i know there are people that TRY to forgive and never really do....and then are those that DO forgive. i'm not either of those, so i'm no help there.
think about what is best for YOU and for your daughter. she's 16, this is a very fragile time and her mom is NO role model.
good for you for going to alanon, joining a mens group. you are very proactive, and that is your best PLAN. i'm really sorry for all that brings you here.
perhaps she will sober up. at the very least you have some time to really think things thru.
for many cheating is a dealbreaker. she was with other men REPEATEDLY. you "know" of two..........i know there are people that TRY to forgive and never really do....and then are those that DO forgive. i'm not either of those, so i'm no help there.
think about what is best for YOU and for your daughter. she's 16, this is a very fragile time and her mom is NO role model.
good for you for going to alanon, joining a mens group. you are very proactive, and that is your best PLAN. i'm really sorry for all that brings you here.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Like i said
I want to forgive her
She is really not the type to do that (unless shes drunk)
I even asked her if she wanted a divorce
I feel like it was the alcohol to cause her to do it
She only rememmbers parts of the first guy and only remembered me seeing her in the morning with guy number 2
She was completely out of it
I wish i would have stayed that night at home or at least sicked up my pride and went to the bar with her to protect her-i regret that now
25yrs of marriage and she has always been loyal and faithful
2 times in one week
Hopefully rehab and conseling will bring me some closure or help me understand why this happened
I will some how hopefully figure a way to figure this out
It really bothers me as a man that men would do this to a woman that drunk.
as in has society has gone completely to hell in a hand basket?
I want to forgive her
She is really not the type to do that (unless shes drunk)
I even asked her if she wanted a divorce
I feel like it was the alcohol to cause her to do it
She only rememmbers parts of the first guy and only remembered me seeing her in the morning with guy number 2
She was completely out of it
I wish i would have stayed that night at home or at least sicked up my pride and went to the bar with her to protect her-i regret that now
25yrs of marriage and she has always been loyal and faithful
2 times in one week
Hopefully rehab and conseling will bring me some closure or help me understand why this happened
I will some how hopefully figure a way to figure this out
It really bothers me as a man that men would do this to a woman that drunk.
as in has society has gone completely to hell in a hand basket?
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She might have been raped. I can't say whether she was or was not aware of what was happening, or whether she consented (or was in any condition to consent).
A blackout doesn't mean she was unconscious AT THE TIME, nor does it mean she was incapable of consenting. OTOH, she might well have been intoxicated to that point. Not enough information to know.
Put aside for the moment whether she cheated or was assaulted. It doesn't sound like it's a great marriage, with her out bar-hopping and you worrying and wondering where she is and what she's doing. What would be the healthiest thing for YOU to do?
A blackout doesn't mean she was unconscious AT THE TIME, nor does it mean she was incapable of consenting. OTOH, she might well have been intoxicated to that point. Not enough information to know.
Put aside for the moment whether she cheated or was assaulted. It doesn't sound like it's a great marriage, with her out bar-hopping and you worrying and wondering where she is and what she's doing. What would be the healthiest thing for YOU to do?
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Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Mxdad2003 
I wish i would have stayed that night at home or at least sicked up my pride and went to the bar with her to protect her-i regret that now
25yrs of marriage and she has always been loyal and faithful
2 times in one week
It really bothers me as a man that men would do this to a woman that drunk ?
25yrs of marriage and she has always been loyal and faithful
2 times in one week
It really bothers me as a man that men would do this to a woman that drunk ?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mxdad.....the thing is...you don't have to make any major decision, right now.
She is in rehab...so. you have some time to start working on your own self.....that is important.....
When things get to this point, there has usually been a lot of damage to a relationship.....damage from the whole alcoholism/co-dependence dance....as well as any other dynamics that may be in the marriage aside from those issues.
I think she has to get sober and into the work of recovery and you need to do the same on the partner side of it.......
I think it might be wise to wait until you both are able to talk with each other with more clarity of mind.....especially since you have been together so lo ng and have children and you say you love her and want to forgive her.....
Perhaps, after she is sufficiently sober...you both can seek the help of a professional to explore your marriage and what you both might want......
I can imagine how stressful this is for you...and, I imagine that she will be filled with shame and guilt when/if she gets sober.....
I say...don't panic...and, give it some time.....
dandylion
She is in rehab...so. you have some time to start working on your own self.....that is important.....
When things get to this point, there has usually been a lot of damage to a relationship.....damage from the whole alcoholism/co-dependence dance....as well as any other dynamics that may be in the marriage aside from those issues.
I think she has to get sober and into the work of recovery and you need to do the same on the partner side of it.......
I think it might be wise to wait until you both are able to talk with each other with more clarity of mind.....especially since you have been together so lo ng and have children and you say you love her and want to forgive her.....
Perhaps, after she is sufficiently sober...you both can seek the help of a professional to explore your marriage and what you both might want......
I can imagine how stressful this is for you...and, I imagine that she will be filled with shame and guilt when/if she gets sober.....
I say...don't panic...and, give it some time.....
dandylion
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Is it possible she really didnt mean it?"
i posted in one of your other threads about being responsible for the death of another human.
i didnt wake up that morning and say," i think today ill get knee walkin drunk and kill someone."
no, i didnt mean it to happen.
HOWEVER
and this is a big HOWEVER
i had to take responsibility and accountability for me and my actions-
i was the one that drank myself to a point i had no control over what i was doing.
i have read you being in a church group. awesome!!!
so, you know what the bible says about forgiveness. heres one:
Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
why the 70 times 7?
because forgiveness is a process- it doesnt just happen the very first time we say or think it.
AND
that doesnt mean to keep being a doormat for someone elses unacceptable behavior.
i posted in one of your other threads about being responsible for the death of another human.
i didnt wake up that morning and say," i think today ill get knee walkin drunk and kill someone."
no, i didnt mean it to happen.
HOWEVER
and this is a big HOWEVER
i had to take responsibility and accountability for me and my actions-
i was the one that drank myself to a point i had no control over what i was doing.
i have read you being in a church group. awesome!!!
so, you know what the bible says about forgiveness. heres one:
Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
why the 70 times 7?
because forgiveness is a process- it doesnt just happen the very first time we say or think it.
AND
that doesnt mean to keep being a doormat for someone elses unacceptable behavior.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
My AH just came back from rehab. The stories in there from others that are drug and/or alcohol addicted have many stories of infidelities (whether their spouse knows about them or not). With drugs and alcohol, they can certainly make you hyper sexual and do things you wouldn't normally do. Although being drunk is no excuse to cheat. They say in rehab that most relationships will continue being troubled or inevitably end even if the spouse becomes sober because the hurt and pain (such as infidelity) is very difficult to move past and forgive/forget.
To me, infidelity is a deal breaker but there are many out there that have worked on their relationship with a lot of effort, counselling etc to get over the pain of infidelity.
To me, infidelity is a deal breaker but there are many out there that have worked on their relationship with a lot of effort, counselling etc to get over the pain of infidelity.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
For the record she never went out to a bar alone until last week when this happened
I was always with her so i am confident that she never cheated before these two events (clearly shes not good at it as she confessed the 1st one and i caught her the second time)
Her alcoholism just spun completely out of control after that man punched her in the face 3weeks ago-while she was on a girls night out-i dont know what happened that night that hapoened
But it was tramatic for her as her drinking increased significantly after that
I was always with her so i am confident that she never cheated before these two events (clearly shes not good at it as she confessed the 1st one and i caught her the second time)
Her alcoholism just spun completely out of control after that man punched her in the face 3weeks ago-while she was on a girls night out-i dont know what happened that night that hapoened
But it was tramatic for her as her drinking increased significantly after that
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Boy oh boy are you sure giving her a pass on taking ANY responsibility here. She doesn't need you to "protect" her from advances from other men. How do you know how faithful and loyal she's been if she's been caught twice in one week? Her going out by herself while being a married woman, getting rip-roaring drunk, looking for men to pay attention to her, and even PAYING for the sleazy rent by the hour room (ewwwww) doesn't sound all innocent to me. My husband would never want (or allow without throwing a fit) me to go out by myself drinking. More importantly, I would never EVER imagine myself wanting to do something like this unless the motives were sinister. Think about it.
She's an adult. Lots of women go to bars by themselves and don't end up in these situations.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I've been extremely drunk in my lifetime at bars, clubs, parties surrounded by guys. If I wanted sex, it took two to tango. If I didn't want sex, I would say "no". If the guy was insistent, there are a million possibilities a drunk girl can do to not wind up paying for a motel having sex with a stranger. Rape does happen but far less of a probability than two drunk horny people at the bar giving each other behavioural consent.
Motivation influences behaviour. If your wife truly didn't want sex at the time, she could have easily told the hotel clerk to call police or her husband because she is not going to pay for a motel room with some stranger. But no, this did not happen. Instead the hotel clerk asked for her name, ID and visa information and your wife signed off on the bill.
Motivation influences behaviour. If your wife truly didn't want sex at the time, she could have easily told the hotel clerk to call police or her husband because she is not going to pay for a motel room with some stranger. But no, this did not happen. Instead the hotel clerk asked for her name, ID and visa information and your wife signed off on the bill.
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Well this much i know
She comes home and touches a glass of wine or a beer-that will be all the proof i need to prove she doesnt want to stay married. At which point myself daughter and my paycheck are out the door.
Since we now know beyond a shadow of doubt what happens when she drinks.
I have discussed this with her parents-im willing to give it a chance but next time she is their problem.
My kids completely understand as well
I think God would give me a pass on this one
Im just sorry my daughter has had to witness this all happen but shes old enough to understand and has an issue with her moms drinking
God she is the same age as my wife when i met her and we started dating
Man my life sucks right now
She comes home and touches a glass of wine or a beer-that will be all the proof i need to prove she doesnt want to stay married. At which point myself daughter and my paycheck are out the door.
Since we now know beyond a shadow of doubt what happens when she drinks.
I have discussed this with her parents-im willing to give it a chance but next time she is their problem.
My kids completely understand as well
I think God would give me a pass on this one
Im just sorry my daughter has had to witness this all happen but shes old enough to understand and has an issue with her moms drinking
God she is the same age as my wife when i met her and we started dating
Man my life sucks right now
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Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
Well this much i know
She comes home and touches a glass of wine or a beer-that will be all the proof i need to prove she doesnt want to stay married. At which point myself daughter and my paycheck are out the door.
She comes home and touches a glass of wine or a beer-that will be all the proof i need to prove she doesnt want to stay married. At which point myself daughter and my paycheck are out the door.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. She is an alcoholic and will not change without acknowledging the issue and making changes.
Take your kids to a safe place and keep her out of your life.
She will not get better on her own.
Take your kids to a safe place and keep her out of your life.
She will not get better on her own.
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Mxdad.....There are many women in AA....truly in genuine recovery who can tell their stories of o verwhelming guilt and shame of what they have done while in their days of active drinking.....Working through their guilt and shame through the steps of AA.....
I think that having the boundaries you describe, is a good and loving approach to take. Perhaps, if she has given her permission, you could be involved in the family program..if the rehab offers one. That would be a good place to let her know the boundaries you have set for YOURSELF....while she is there to get support while facing this. I wouldn't wait till she gets home.
You are still reeling, I am sure. As I said before, you have some time to begin to help yourself through alanon, or alcoholism counselor, or any other means that you may choose...and to let your thoughts settle and gain more clarity......
Alateen would be good for your daughter....she needs help, as well.....
Remember, that even though she may be angry with her mother....she will not stop loving her mother, either.....
Please get help for your self and family...this is just too hard to walk alone.....
dandylion
I think that having the boundaries you describe, is a good and loving approach to take. Perhaps, if she has given her permission, you could be involved in the family program..if the rehab offers one. That would be a good place to let her know the boundaries you have set for YOURSELF....while she is there to get support while facing this. I wouldn't wait till she gets home.
You are still reeling, I am sure. As I said before, you have some time to begin to help yourself through alanon, or alcoholism counselor, or any other means that you may choose...and to let your thoughts settle and gain more clarity......
Alateen would be good for your daughter....she needs help, as well.....
Remember, that even though she may be angry with her mother....she will not stop loving her mother, either.....
Please get help for your self and family...this is just too hard to walk alone.....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Hope2014
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. She is an alcoholic and will not change without acknowledging the issue and making changes.
Take your kids to a safe place and keep her out of your life.
She will not get better on her own.
Take your kids to a safe place and keep her out of your life.
She will not get better on her own.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Originally Posted by Refiner
I understand the way you feel, but this isn't usually how it works with alcoholism. It just isn't that simple. If your wife was just a heavy drinker who sometimes had a "few too many", maybe. But she's exhibited some serious signs of troubling behavior. And your admission of accepting her story that some random guy punched her in the face 3 weeks ago giving her a black eye and you chalking it up to "oh well, she was just having a fun girls night out" should give you pause. You have a ****load of things to think about right now while she's off at rehab. I think setting some boundaries of what you will and what you will not accept in her behavior when she returns is a good start. Also, the fact that you said you'd take your paycheck with you if you left. Don't hold your breath on that one.
According to her she was there with other women for a conference (out of town)and some guy was groping a friend she was with while they were dancing.she went up and pushed him away and he got mad and punched her,her whole face was bruised
Part of me wonders if she wasnr raped that night as when she came home she was drinking with a vengence-which lead to how/why im here
Even if it wasnt rape it was still tramatic (imo) as i have never punched her and been her bf since she was 15
Btw her original story was they were horsing around and she fell-which i didnt believe that one bit
It took a week to get the story out about getting punched
The only reason she told me was because she told my adult daughter what happened the night it happened and she told me (my kids and i have become incredibly close even my adult daughter who we didnt get along all that great before she moved out and went to college
And i told her i knew she was lying and wouldnt take her home until she came clean
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Originally Posted by Refiner
I understand the way you feel, but this isn't usually how it works with alcoholism. It just isn't that simple. If your wife was just a heavy drinker who sometimes had a "few too many", maybe. But she's exhibited some serious signs of troubling behavior. And your admission of accepting her story that some random guy punched her in the face 3 weeks ago giving her a black eye and you chalking it up to "oh well, she was just having a fun girls night out" should give you pause. You have a ****load of things to think about right now while she's off at rehab. I think setting some boundaries of what you will and what you will not accept in her behavior when she returns is a good start. Also, the fact that you said you'd take your paycheck with you if you left. Don't hold your breath on that one.
She has a problem,cheated on me,hit me my daughter doesnt want to live with her so i should be able to file for an at fault divorce if she starts drinking again which would me id get child support and alimony would be out of the question
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