Alcoholic wife
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Originally Posted by cairn 
Sorry for your terrible anguish, must be rough. When i was carrousing the ex just considered me to be 'out on loan'.
Insatiable lusts for power, sex, money, prestige, domination, possession, control, dependence...boomerangs all...
Insatiable lusts for power, sex, money, prestige, domination, possession, control, dependence...boomerangs all...
Guess he/she didnt forgive since they're an ex
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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MxDad - First off so sorry to hear what you have had to endure, this is just a terrible situation and I know it hurts bad.
You came here, you joined support groups and you are talking to your kids about it. You are doing so many of the right things so good on you.
As for your AW, as others have said none of this was any fault of yours. Don't blame yourself for trying to control it, because it's what we all do at first. We think we can talk sense or reason when we see the abuse of alcohol happening in front of our eyes but when you come here, you realize that it's just static to them. My exgf similarly told me that if I didn't want her to drink at home, she would just go out more so she could drink in peace. You were trying to put out your boundaries and disengage yourself from her drinking, nothing wrong with that.
Was it her rock bottom? Time will tell. She seems to want to get help and that is reassuring to hear, and I hope it continues. You know in your heart how you want to proceed but it may take time to reconcile it in your head. When your thoughts are straight, think of the future and the different roads that you may go down, and if you will be at peace with your decision. I've sometimes found it helps to envision possible outcomes, the most likely from the least likely, and how I'd feel if each of them had come to pass. This may help you in the days and weeks ahead.
Come to us anytime, and I will advise you to definitely stand firm on your boundaries. I didn't for many years and it just prolonged getting me to the spot where we had to break up. I kept drawing new boundary lines time after time after the prior ones got violated, and it did nothing at all to fix anything. It just allowed things to get worse over time.
Take care of yourself, you sound like a great guy with a wonderful support system, heck even her parents supporting you hopefully shows that you have so many around that care about you and understand what this all means.
Let us know how you are doing.
You came here, you joined support groups and you are talking to your kids about it. You are doing so many of the right things so good on you.
As for your AW, as others have said none of this was any fault of yours. Don't blame yourself for trying to control it, because it's what we all do at first. We think we can talk sense or reason when we see the abuse of alcohol happening in front of our eyes but when you come here, you realize that it's just static to them. My exgf similarly told me that if I didn't want her to drink at home, she would just go out more so she could drink in peace. You were trying to put out your boundaries and disengage yourself from her drinking, nothing wrong with that.
Was it her rock bottom? Time will tell. She seems to want to get help and that is reassuring to hear, and I hope it continues. You know in your heart how you want to proceed but it may take time to reconcile it in your head. When your thoughts are straight, think of the future and the different roads that you may go down, and if you will be at peace with your decision. I've sometimes found it helps to envision possible outcomes, the most likely from the least likely, and how I'd feel if each of them had come to pass. This may help you in the days and weeks ahead.
Come to us anytime, and I will advise you to definitely stand firm on your boundaries. I didn't for many years and it just prolonged getting me to the spot where we had to break up. I kept drawing new boundary lines time after time after the prior ones got violated, and it did nothing at all to fix anything. It just allowed things to get worse over time.
Take care of yourself, you sound like a great guy with a wonderful support system, heck even her parents supporting you hopefully shows that you have so many around that care about you and understand what this all means.
Let us know how you are doing.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Wells
MxDad - First off so sorry to hear what you have had to endure, this is just a terrible situation and I know it hurts bad.
You came here, you joined support groups and you are talking to your kids about it. You are doing so many of the right things so good on you.
As for your AW, as others have said none of this was any fault of yours. Don't blame yourself for trying to control it, because it's what we all do at first. We think we can talk sense or reason when we see the abuse of alcohol happening in front of our eyes but when you come here, you realize that it's just static to them. My exgf similarly told me that if I didn't want her to drink at home, she would just go out more so she could drink in peace. You were trying to put out your boundaries and disengage yourself from her drinking, nothing wrong with that.
Was it her rock bottom? Time will tell. She seems to want to get help and that is reassuring to hear, and I hope it continues. You know in your heart how you want to proceed but it may take time to reconcile it in your head. When your thoughts are straight, think of the future and the different roads that you may go down, and if you will be at peace with your decision. I've sometimes found it helps to envision possible outcomes, the most likely from the least likely, and how I'd feel if each of them had come to pass. This may help you in the days and weeks ahead.
Come to us anytime, and I will advise you to definitely stand firm on your boundaries. I didn't for many years and it just prolonged getting me to the spot where we had to break up. I kept drawing new boundary lines time after time after the prior ones got violated, and it did nothing at all to fix anything. It just allowed things to get worse over time.
Take care of yourself, you sound like a great guy with a wonderful support system, heck even her parents supporting you hopefully shows that you have so many around that care about you and understand what this all means.
Let us know how you are doing.
You came here, you joined support groups and you are talking to your kids about it. You are doing so many of the right things so good on you.
As for your AW, as others have said none of this was any fault of yours. Don't blame yourself for trying to control it, because it's what we all do at first. We think we can talk sense or reason when we see the abuse of alcohol happening in front of our eyes but when you come here, you realize that it's just static to them. My exgf similarly told me that if I didn't want her to drink at home, she would just go out more so she could drink in peace. You were trying to put out your boundaries and disengage yourself from her drinking, nothing wrong with that.
Was it her rock bottom? Time will tell. She seems to want to get help and that is reassuring to hear, and I hope it continues. You know in your heart how you want to proceed but it may take time to reconcile it in your head. When your thoughts are straight, think of the future and the different roads that you may go down, and if you will be at peace with your decision. I've sometimes found it helps to envision possible outcomes, the most likely from the least likely, and how I'd feel if each of them had come to pass. This may help you in the days and weeks ahead.
Come to us anytime, and I will advise you to definitely stand firm on your boundaries. I didn't for many years and it just prolonged getting me to the spot where we had to break up. I kept drawing new boundary lines time after time after the prior ones got violated, and it did nothing at all to fix anything. It just allowed things to get worse over time.
Take care of yourself, you sound like a great guy with a wonderful support system, heck even her parents supporting you hopefully shows that you have so many around that care about you and understand what this all means.
Let us know how you are doing.
In my heart i want to forgive her-i know it was her fault for being thee,but on the other hand i know for fact she never would do what she did with out being plaster out of her mind.but having a hard time getting my brain to sync with my heart and faith.I think if would have been an actual affair where she knew the guys-this would be easier to just leave-but it was a drunk one night stand.it just happened twice in the same week.i have seen her blackout and not remember in the past but i was always there to have her back.not this time but she brought it on herself.i know these guys took advantage of her-without doubt-she was always uber turned on when drunk (to the point it was annoying-althought i enjoyed it to an extent at first-but then didnt enjoy sex with someone that was completely out of it because i felt i was taking advantage of her)
Still wonder though if shes just manipulating me-guess time will tell
I apologize for over sharing.
I do know it will not take much to force my hand when she gets home and leave-my tolerance for drunk people is zero and expect it will stay that way for a long while.i have even told my social drinking buddies I AM DONE WITH ALCOHOL period
My other concern is not bringing it up every time we argue-guess that will take time for actual forgiveness to actually occur-but shes nuts if she thinks i will never mention it.
Lol to think she stayed mad for years when she found a porm mag 10 years into our marriage and then she pulls this crap
I didnt even tell here family everything -how sad is that
Come on friday-get to go see guns and roses with my son and daughters and im ready-just hope they dont suck-too bad i have an extra ticket now
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Mxdad.....as I said in m y first p ost, to you......give this some time. Your emotions are still very stirred up.
She is away in rehab, for a while.....so this does give you time to attend to your self.....
Try to stay in the present......
(and you don't need to tell anyone else about the specific details...unless, you choose to do so in the presence of your personal counselor or a couples counselor (with her present)......
dandylion
She is away in rehab, for a while.....so this does give you time to attend to your self.....
Try to stay in the present......
(and you don't need to tell anyone else about the specific details...unless, you choose to do so in the presence of your personal counselor or a couples counselor (with her present)......
dandylion
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Posts: 76
Originally Posted by dandylion
Mxdad.....as I said in m y first p ost, to you......give this some time. Your emotions are still very stirred up.
She is away in rehab, for a while.....so this does give you time to attend to your self.....
Try to stay in the present......
(and you don't need to tell anyone else about the specific details...unless, you choose to do so in the presence of your personal counselor or a couples counselor (with her present)......
dandylion
She is away in rehab, for a while.....so this does give you time to attend to your self.....
Try to stay in the present......
(and you don't need to tell anyone else about the specific details...unless, you choose to do so in the presence of your personal counselor or a couples counselor (with her present)......
dandylion
I've come to the conclusionthat as long as she stays sober i feel like i can get through this.
As someone i know pointed out she is full of remose and regret and that i need to let go for my own sake.
Im beginning to feel a bit normal but still have occasional flare ps but they are becoming less frequent.
Its going to take time to trust shes not going to drink.i completely trust her when shes sober so i think i will be good as long as shes not drunk (praying that i dont have to cross that bridge)as that is a boundry that i have set for myself that i wont ignore if crossed.
I will not allow myself to go through this again,i will never again be ringside for this disaster-i will have to give up and watch and pray from afar.
I believe that she didnt want it or plan it or was an active participate -just wanted to drink in piece and was taking advantage of by men who didnt care about her or what they did (which ialmost feel sorry for them as well-that must be an empty life and what goes around comes around)
Yes i still blame her adiction and alcohol in general but now soundly believe that it was not done in malace-but it was a mistake-and nobody is perfect-myself included and everyone deserves a second chance at redemption
But i also have boundries in place to prevent myself from allowing this to happen again
My biggest question was i was not sure about black outs if that was real or just a made up excuse that alcoholics use to manipulate
But i now believe it is possible to be that drunk(i have called so many conselers and hotlines in the past week researching this subject) where you as a person cease to exist and just a body remains-almost like being possed by a demon (alcohol)
I realize that sounds corney but what im trying to say was the person that did what they did was not my wife if that makes sense at all
I know that being blackout drunk does not let her off scott free but she is totally embarrassed by going to rehab and a great deal of remorse and admitting she had an issue (she has always been the golden child in her families eyes and is not any more-well this is the first time we have ever asked for help anyway )must in turn swallow my own pride and get over it as well if i ever expect to get back to were we were 6 or 7 years ago
Man i can say this much-losing my dad at 7 ,best freind at 22(due to falling throough a window while drunk),my brother killing my mom and step dad 3 years ago was just prep for this-this has been the worst pain i have ever felt-i know its going to be a long road back but for the first time in weeks i think i might be able to do this and find the way to forgive
And this is the only place i have shared all the details outside of my house as my kids are old enough to figure out what happened but even they dont know everything.
I intend on spending the next 3 weeks working on yours truely so i can with out doubt be the best man and husband possible as i know i havent always been
Hell of a wake up call
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Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
My biggest question was i was not sure about black outs if that was real or just a made up excuse that alcoholics use to manipulate
But i now believe it is possible to be that drunk(i have called so many conselers and hotlines in the past week researching this subject) where you as a person cease to exist and just a body remains-almost like being possed by a demon (alcohol)
But i now believe it is possible to be that drunk(i have called so many conselers and hotlines in the past week researching this subject) where you as a person cease to exist and just a body remains-almost like being possed by a demon (alcohol)
Alcohol disrupts certain bio-chemical reactions in the hippocampus region of the brain, which is responsible for long-term memory. With a high enough alcohol concentration in the blood, the hippocampus is effectively unable to encode new memories into the brain. When this happens, the drinker has experienced a blackout - a period of time where they are cognitive of the world around them, but they will be unable to recall that period of time because their brain was unable to store new memories. This is why extremely drunk people tend to repeat themselves: they are cognitive of their surroundings and present company, but they simply don't remember that they already said something because the fact that they said it wasn't saved in memory. They aren't unaware of their surroundings, and their brain hasn't gone into auto-pilot mode, like a demon or zombie. Just certain parts that govern memory storage, inhibition, motor function and emotional regulation have been switched off or severely diminished.
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My AW has blacked out several times - and a few times it happened over the course of a conversation. One minute she's fine, 5 minutes later it's convoluted gibberish and the next morning she only remembers the first 10 minutes of a 30 minute 'conversation' (usually a rant of some sort).
Of course - it's never her fault!!! That's the kicker...
Of course - it's never her fault!!! That's the kicker...
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Originally Posted by Thomas45
That's not entirely accurate: the actual mechanism of how it works is like this.
Alcohol disrupts certain bio-chemical reactions in the hippocampus region of the brain, which is responsible for long-term memory. With a high enough alcohol concentration in the blood, the hippocampus is effectively unable to encode new memories into the brain. When this happens, the drinker has experienced a blackout - a period of time where they are cognitive of the world around them, but they will be unable to recall that period of time because their brain was unable to store new memories. This is why extremely drunk people tend to repeat themselves: they are cognitive of their surroundings and present company, but they simply don't remember that they already said something because the fact that they said it wasn't saved in memory. They aren't unaware of their surroundings, and their brain hasn't gone into auto-pilot mode, like a demon or zombie. Just certain parts that govern memory storage, inhibition, motor function and emotional regulation have been switched off or severely diminished.
Alcohol disrupts certain bio-chemical reactions in the hippocampus region of the brain, which is responsible for long-term memory. With a high enough alcohol concentration in the blood, the hippocampus is effectively unable to encode new memories into the brain. When this happens, the drinker has experienced a blackout - a period of time where they are cognitive of the world around them, but they will be unable to recall that period of time because their brain was unable to store new memories. This is why extremely drunk people tend to repeat themselves: they are cognitive of their surroundings and present company, but they simply don't remember that they already said something because the fact that they said it wasn't saved in memory. They aren't unaware of their surroundings, and their brain hasn't gone into auto-pilot mode, like a demon or zombie. Just certain parts that govern memory storage, inhibition, motor function and emotional regulation have been switched off or severely diminished.
It is completely out of character for her as a sober person.
If it wasnt for her sickness this never would have happened while sober.
Heck i dont know how many times she has talked to my 20yo daughter on the subject but i know more than once
.
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.i know these guys took advantage of her-without doubt-she was always uber turned on when drunk (to the point it was annoying-althought i enjoyed it to an extent at first-but then didnt enjoy sex with someone that was completely out of it because i felt i was taking advantage of her)
I believe that she didnt want it or plan it or was an active participate -just wanted to drink in piece and was taking advantage of by men who didnt care about her or what they did (which ialmost feel sorry for them as well-that must be an empty life and what goes around comes around)
You know nothing about these men, nothing about their motivations, nothing other than what your wife shared and what you saw. Going to a motel and securing a room kinda dashes your theory that she was "just taken advantage of". You have deemed these men to be borderline rapists IMO. While it is true that someone could take advantage of a drunk person in many ways, I don't hear that your wife was carried out of the bar by one of these men. You sound to point blame and responsibility to them above her own.......well, if she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing, how do you know they weren't so drunk to know what THEY were doing? You have also determined them to have an empty life - you don't know squat about them, or what their lives are. There are many a person who pick up people and have sex with them which isn't a one sentence description of their entire lives.
I can believe that as your wife's alcoholism has progressed she has mentally deteriorated into depression. What she did was very risky - and there may be more to that and how she feels about herself - worthlessness - than anything else. When people feel worthless and have little to no self esteem, they can venture into destructive, risky, and dangerous situations.
I do hope that your wife has had tests for STD. That is a necessity for both of you in moving forward to repair this.
I believe that she didnt want it or plan it or was an active participate -just wanted to drink in piece and was taking advantage of by men who didnt care about her or what they did (which ialmost feel sorry for them as well-that must be an empty life and what goes around comes around)
You know nothing about these men, nothing about their motivations, nothing other than what your wife shared and what you saw. Going to a motel and securing a room kinda dashes your theory that she was "just taken advantage of". You have deemed these men to be borderline rapists IMO. While it is true that someone could take advantage of a drunk person in many ways, I don't hear that your wife was carried out of the bar by one of these men. You sound to point blame and responsibility to them above her own.......well, if she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing, how do you know they weren't so drunk to know what THEY were doing? You have also determined them to have an empty life - you don't know squat about them, or what their lives are. There are many a person who pick up people and have sex with them which isn't a one sentence description of their entire lives.
I can believe that as your wife's alcoholism has progressed she has mentally deteriorated into depression. What she did was very risky - and there may be more to that and how she feels about herself - worthlessness - than anything else. When people feel worthless and have little to no self esteem, they can venture into destructive, risky, and dangerous situations.
I do hope that your wife has had tests for STD. That is a necessity for both of you in moving forward to repair this.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
.i know these guys took advantage of her-without doubt-she was always uber turned on when drunk (to the point it was annoying-althought i enjoyed it to an extent at first-but then didnt enjoy sex with someone that was completely out of it because i felt i was taking advantage of her)
I believe that she didnt want it or plan it or was an active participate -just wanted to drink in piece and was taking advantage of by men who didnt care about her or what they did (which ialmost feel sorry for them as well-that must be an empty life and what goes around comes around)
You know nothing about these men, nothing about their motivations, nothing other than what your wife shared and what you saw. Going to a motel and securing a room kinda dashes your theory that she was "just taken advantage of". You have deemed these men to be borderline rapists IMO. While it is true that someone could take advantage of a drunk person in many ways, I don't hear that your wife was carried out of the bar by one of these men. You sound to point blame and responsibility to them above her own.......well, if she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing, how do you know they weren't so drunk to know what THEY were doing? You have also determined them to have an empty life - you don't know squat about them, or what their lives are. There are many a person who pick up people and have sex with them which isn't a one sentence description of their entire lives.
I can believe that as your wife's alcoholism has progressed she has mentally deteriorated into depression. What she did was very risky - and there may be more to that and how she feels about herself - worthlessness - than anything else. When people feel worthless and have little to no self esteem, they can venture into destructive, risky, and dangerous situations.
I do hope that your wife has had tests for STD. That is a necessity for both of you in moving forward to repair this.
I believe that she didnt want it or plan it or was an active participate -just wanted to drink in piece and was taking advantage of by men who didnt care about her or what they did (which ialmost feel sorry for them as well-that must be an empty life and what goes around comes around)
You know nothing about these men, nothing about their motivations, nothing other than what your wife shared and what you saw. Going to a motel and securing a room kinda dashes your theory that she was "just taken advantage of". You have deemed these men to be borderline rapists IMO. While it is true that someone could take advantage of a drunk person in many ways, I don't hear that your wife was carried out of the bar by one of these men. You sound to point blame and responsibility to them above her own.......well, if she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing, how do you know they weren't so drunk to know what THEY were doing? You have also determined them to have an empty life - you don't know squat about them, or what their lives are. There are many a person who pick up people and have sex with them which isn't a one sentence description of their entire lives.
I can believe that as your wife's alcoholism has progressed she has mentally deteriorated into depression. What she did was very risky - and there may be more to that and how she feels about herself - worthlessness - than anything else. When people feel worthless and have little to no self esteem, they can venture into destructive, risky, and dangerous situations.
I do hope that your wife has had tests for STD. That is a necessity for both of you in moving forward to repair this.
I tracked down guy one by phone (its a local bar i and used to be a regular)
According to him he admitted that my wife was completely out of it-even admittrd throwing her in the shower so she could stand up and he could get her to bed and that she passes out
I also know that hes ip there all the time (not sure about any more) but he was quite remorseful and apologetic (which i dont think he was very sincere
Guy 2 all i know is he is not the same guy
But she already went to be tested which im sure was fun explaining what she did and why she did it
But she also has to go back becauseit can take a month before the test can pick up certain things
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Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
Well actually when i first found out i went full on detective mode
I tracked down guy one by phone (its a local bar i and used to be a regular)
According to him he admitted that my wife was completely out of it-even admittrd throwing her in the shower so she could stand up and he could get her to bed and that she passes out
I also know that hes ip there all the time (not sure about any more) but he was quite remorseful and apologetic (which i dont think he was very sincere
Guy 2 all i know is he is not the same guy
But she already went to be tested which im sure was fun explaining what she did and why she did it
But she also has to go back becauseit can take a month before the test can pick up certain things
I tracked down guy one by phone (its a local bar i and used to be a regular)
According to him he admitted that my wife was completely out of it-even admittrd throwing her in the shower so she could stand up and he could get her to bed and that she passes out
I also know that hes ip there all the time (not sure about any more) but he was quite remorseful and apologetic (which i dont think he was very sincere
Guy 2 all i know is he is not the same guy
But she already went to be tested which im sure was fun explaining what she did and why she did it
But she also has to go back becauseit can take a month before the test can pick up certain things
The only reason she wasnt arrested was because i showed up as she was still plastered. He was sober but strangely enough didnt want to talk to me,but the police did run his name
But im not persuing it as i dont feel that would help my situation and regret tracking down the 1st guy
Guess its best to let it go-prison sucks
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All the best MX. I'm glad you think your marriage is worth saving, and are going to do your best. All will be revealed when your wife comes back from rehab, but you are doing the hard yards for your own welfare and I'm sure it will pay off whatever happens.
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Mxdad.....I am in the medical profession and just want you to k now that we are not in the judgement game...we actually don't care to know the details of "what a person did and why they did it". Our job and concern is to help the person and to take care of them. We respect them and do not judge them.
We are all capable of making mistakes and bad judgements....but, we are not our mistakes....none of us.
dandylion
We are all capable of making mistakes and bad judgements....but, we are not our mistakes....none of us.
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Mxdad.....I am in the medical profession and just want you to k now that we are not in the judgement game...we actually don't care to know the details of "what a person did and why they did it". Our job and concern is to help the person and to take care of them. We respect them and do not judge them.
We are all capable of making mistakes and bad judgements....but, we are not our mistakes....none of us.
dandylion
We are all capable of making mistakes and bad judgements....but, we are not our mistakes....none of us.
dandylion
Is it that shes just an addict only or more?
Like i said earlier for some odd reason i wanted to know why/how etc
I am getting past that slowly (yes it still nags at me -a little less each day)
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Forgiveness is healing for us when we are able to give it, so I hope she continues on her path of recovery which will make the path of forgiveness easier for you to take.
I have wrestled a lot with "the person they become" over the years when they drink. I got to the point I could actually almost physically see the switch flip from the sober person to the drunk person. The drunk person was like a second personality, who was louder, more obnoxious, more aggressive, etc. I seem to recall at times being told that the second personality was the "real her" and that she was suppressing herself when she was not drinking. So she was claiming her drunk self was her actual personality, where she could say and do everything she wanted to and felt, and when she was sober, she was unable to express or do the things she wanted to do. In other words, the person I loved, I was being told that was actually not the "real her".
Whether or not that's all drunkspeak or whatever we call it, I don't know. I understand of course the benefits of alcohol for people who use it moderately to loosen up a bit in a social situation, unwind after a tough day, etc, though to me that is a different outcome than the outcome of a split personality that appears after drink #x is consumed.
One of the fundamental differences between a normal drinker and a problem drinker may be the personality switch that takes places when that "switch" flips. Normal drinkers don't have a switch that flips. This of course aside from the obvious one of being able to actually refuse a drink or make the decision to stop or switch to water (even if there's more alcohol at arm's length). Probably 2 of the big differences I'd say in my years though. Ability to control/stop/say no and no "flip of the personality switch".
Sounds to me like she had that switch flip, so the key conversation I would probably want to have clarity on was to make sure there were not any underlying issues in her life that led that split personality version of her to take those actions. You may have already talked about it, but I think it would be a good conversation to have in a sober, quiet moment.
I have wrestled a lot with "the person they become" over the years when they drink. I got to the point I could actually almost physically see the switch flip from the sober person to the drunk person. The drunk person was like a second personality, who was louder, more obnoxious, more aggressive, etc. I seem to recall at times being told that the second personality was the "real her" and that she was suppressing herself when she was not drinking. So she was claiming her drunk self was her actual personality, where she could say and do everything she wanted to and felt, and when she was sober, she was unable to express or do the things she wanted to do. In other words, the person I loved, I was being told that was actually not the "real her".
Whether or not that's all drunkspeak or whatever we call it, I don't know. I understand of course the benefits of alcohol for people who use it moderately to loosen up a bit in a social situation, unwind after a tough day, etc, though to me that is a different outcome than the outcome of a split personality that appears after drink #x is consumed.
One of the fundamental differences between a normal drinker and a problem drinker may be the personality switch that takes places when that "switch" flips. Normal drinkers don't have a switch that flips. This of course aside from the obvious one of being able to actually refuse a drink or make the decision to stop or switch to water (even if there's more alcohol at arm's length). Probably 2 of the big differences I'd say in my years though. Ability to control/stop/say no and no "flip of the personality switch".
Sounds to me like she had that switch flip, so the key conversation I would probably want to have clarity on was to make sure there were not any underlying issues in her life that led that split personality version of her to take those actions. You may have already talked about it, but I think it would be a good conversation to have in a sober, quiet moment.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Nothing wrong with setting the boundaries for what you are willing to live with or not......
dandylion
dandylion
I told her that i didnt want her to drink and that i wasnt going to do it again and she got kind of mad and said she didn't like being given an ultimatum
How should i put it ?
Or just keep it that simple
You drink , i leave?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
What is the best way to explain my boundries-,with out being perceived as an ultimatum?
I told her that i didnt want her to drink and that i wasnt going to do it again and she got kind of mad and said she didn't like being given an ultimatum
How should i put it ?
Or just keep it that simple
You drink , i leave?
I told her that i didnt want her to drink and that i wasnt going to do it again and she got kind of mad and said she didn't like being given an ultimatum
How should i put it ?
Or just keep it that simple
You drink , i leave?
Ultimatums are trying to control another person's actions, while boundaries is just stating what one is willing to accept from others.
'I will not live in a house where someone is drinking, therefore you will not drink in our house.' ----- Ultimatum
'I will not live in a house where someone is drinking, therefore if you drink in our house, I will leave.' ----- Boundary
(o:
P.S. You don't even have to explain a boundary; they're just for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah, you told her your boundary, and she turned it into an ultimatum.
You do not have any control over how she perceives what you need to do to protect yourself.
Were you telling her that you won't do it again because you really won't, or because you are hoping that will affect her enough to not do it again? Either way, and even if it is a little of both, are you prepared to stick to that?
IMO, if she is serious about getting better AT ALL, "getting kind of mad" at what you said probably wouldn't be her reaction.
If someone who cheated while drunk wanted to get better and change themselves, I would think humility and a willingness to do whatever it takes (let alone the obvious in quitting drinking) would be her immediate reaction.
What is the best way to explain my boundries-,with out being perceived as an ultimatum?
Were you telling her that you won't do it again because you really won't, or because you are hoping that will affect her enough to not do it again? Either way, and even if it is a little of both, are you prepared to stick to that?
IMO, if she is serious about getting better AT ALL, "getting kind of mad" at what you said probably wouldn't be her reaction.
If someone who cheated while drunk wanted to get better and change themselves, I would think humility and a willingness to do whatever it takes (let alone the obvious in quitting drinking) would be her immediate reaction.
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