Alcoholic wife
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Alcoholics are mentally sick people. When my AH was actively drinking, any boundaries I've given was automatically perceived as a threat or ultimatum even if I would just calmly state my boundaries.
That is really a part of the sickness and insanity an alcoholic mind has. The person trying to separate the alcoholic and their booze is the bad guy, the insensitive guy, the cold-hearted guy.... They really can not perceive it from our points of view. It's like telling a color-blind person to pick out the green colours when they are color-blind to green.
When my AH went to rehab and really worked on himself and his sobriety is when he was finally able to see things from my point of view. That's when he understood my boundaries. He now understands that my boundaries are not attacks or ultimatums or a malicious act to tear him down
That is really a part of the sickness and insanity an alcoholic mind has. The person trying to separate the alcoholic and their booze is the bad guy, the insensitive guy, the cold-hearted guy.... They really can not perceive it from our points of view. It's like telling a color-blind person to pick out the green colours when they are color-blind to green.
When my AH went to rehab and really worked on himself and his sobriety is when he was finally able to see things from my point of view. That's when he understood my boundaries. He now understands that my boundaries are not attacks or ultimatums or a malicious act to tear him down
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Originally Posted by alcoholics wife 
Alcoholics are mentally sick people. When my AH was actively drinking, any boundaries I've given was automatically perceived as a threat or ultimatum even if I would just calmly state my boundaries.
That is really a part of the sickness and insanity an alcoholic mind has. The person trying to separate the alcoholic and their booze is the bad guy, the insensitive guy, the cold-hearted guy.... They really can not perceive it from our points of view. It's like telling a color-blind person to pick out the green colours when they are color-blind to green.
When my AH went to rehab and really worked on himself and his sobriety is when he was finally able to see things from my point of view. That's when he understood my boundaries. He now understands that my boundaries are not attacks or ultimatums or a malicious act to tear him down
That is really a part of the sickness and insanity an alcoholic mind has. The person trying to separate the alcoholic and their booze is the bad guy, the insensitive guy, the cold-hearted guy.... They really can not perceive it from our points of view. It's like telling a color-blind person to pick out the green colours when they are color-blind to green.
When my AH went to rehab and really worked on himself and his sobriety is when he was finally able to see things from my point of view. That's when he understood my boundaries. He now understands that my boundaries are not attacks or ultimatums or a malicious act to tear him down
Not her 1st day out of detox was prob not the best timing
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Boundaries are really for YOU. It's for you to get the closure you will need when you've finally had enough and leave. You can tell yourself that you set your boundaries and you did your part to make it as clear to her as you could. If she crosses your boundaries then you know what you have to do.
You can not control whether she listens, comprehends, and perceives your boundaries. Most likely an alcoholic will not.
Boundaries are for YOU to get the strength you need, not for her. She needs to find her own strength with her own inner battles to one day be able to comprehend the boundaries you had set. Hopefully she will get this clarity sooner rather than later.
You can not control whether she listens, comprehends, and perceives your boundaries. Most likely an alcoholic will not.
Boundaries are for YOU to get the strength you need, not for her. She needs to find her own strength with her own inner battles to one day be able to comprehend the boundaries you had set. Hopefully she will get this clarity sooner rather than later.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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When the bottom came for my wife, I was all into the ultimatums; "if you ever do this again.." sort of stuff. I wish I hadn't done it that way at that time because it puts up a wall which I would have preferred not to have made- over time the alanon work showed me more clearly how I needed to be setting a boundary and what the difference was. If it is perceived as an ultimatum, even if not meant that way, it could cause more harm than it helps. Personally I'd try to hold off on stating boundaries for a while- if she starts using again then its maybe time to act on them- I'm only suggesting to maybe hold off on verbalizing them until communication is in better shape- till her head is clearer, maybe yours too.
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Mxdad.....has rehab ever been discussed, for your wife?
Detox and rehab are not the same thing......
If she is willing and wants to go to a rehab....it could give her a foundation for jump starting her recovery journey. Plus it would give both of you more time for the dust to settle, so to speak.....
dandylion
Detox and rehab are not the same thing......
If she is willing and wants to go to a rehab....it could give her a foundation for jump starting her recovery journey. Plus it would give both of you more time for the dust to settle, so to speak.....
dandylion
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[QUOTE=dandylion;6076264]Mxdad.....has rehab ever been discussed, for your wife?
Detox and rehab are not the same thing......
If she is willing and wants to go to a rehab....it could give her a foundation for jump starting her recovery journey. Plus it would give both of you more time for the dust to settle, so to speak.....
dandylion[/QUOTshe is at in inpatient out of state that for 7 days dhe was at a detox facility and the next 2 weeks shes in rehab out of state
Detox and rehab are not the same thing......
If she is willing and wants to go to a rehab....it could give her a foundation for jump starting her recovery journey. Plus it would give both of you more time for the dust to settle, so to speak.....
dandylion[/QUOTshe is at in inpatient out of state that for 7 days dhe was at a detox facility and the next 2 weeks shes in rehab out of state
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
What is the best way to explain my boundries-,with out being perceived as an ultimatum?
I told her that i didnt want her to drink...she got kind of mad and said she didn't like being given an ultimatum...
You drink , i leave?
I told her that i didnt want her to drink...she got kind of mad and said she didn't like being given an ultimatum...
You drink , i leave?
Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
...I told her that i didnt want her to drink...she got kind of mad and said she didn't like being given an ultimatum...
This is a perfect example of a boundary......................:
Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
...You drink , i leave?
Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
What is the best way to explain my boundries-,with out being perceived as an ultimatum?...
(o:
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Mxdad......sorry, I didn't know she was going on to rehab......
It sounds like a good plan.....
dandylion
It sounds like a good plan.....
dandylion
I think the morning she woke up with a cop at her truck window with a strange man may have been rock bottom-as she is really not that type of person at all
Plus she doesnt like rehab and some of the women in there have been 3 or 4 times so i think that scared her a bit.
Or the fact that anything could have happened with that guy (as in death, kid napping,sex trade etc)
I think i will save the you drink i leave discussion for therapy or will ask how to present that topic at least
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