Poppet35

I'm flailing today but I am trying to figure out the codependency thing I have going and the intermittent chicken has added another thing. Trouble with me is I keep obsessing about why she behaves how she behaves instead of looking inwards and figuring out myself.

SparkleKitty

And that's pretty much the essence of codependence -- feeling as though the validation of someone else is more valuable than belief in yourself.

And anyway, no matter how much you obsess? The "why" will always be that she is an active addict in denial of the depth of her own issues. And as hurtful as all of that feels, it truly has nothing to do with you. Taking someone else's addiction personally provides an illusion that one could control it, if only they found the magic words or behaviors that would make the addict change. But since it actually never had anything to do with you, there literally are no magic words, no magic actions. Her addictions and her issues are her own to fix. Instead, it looks like she's just indulging in whatever she can get her hands on to validate that she doesn't have to change.

Again, Poppet, it doesn't have anything to do with you.

Poppet35

It does feel like I have been left, somewhat discarded in favour of this friend. It has meant so much to me that you guys are trying to help and care for me, even though I know I'm coming across as a moth to a flame. My sister is on the end of the phone but I always feel so crap calling her and crying - i did today tho. My mum and dad are there for me too, altho currently abroad.

I just feel very lost, I know what my options are but I feel paralysed. I know deep down I should send her packing but then my heart kicks in and reminds me of loving things she's done. Or my brain whispers what if it's your fault and you can fix it. She thinks it's unfixxable, us that is. She's been telling me she wants it over for the past year and yet still I hang on.

You know I'm not as remotely as dappy or as stupid as I might sound, I'm actally rather bright but yOU wouldn't know it from my posts.

Poppet35

Thank you

KeyofC

Today, I stop drama in my life. I don't want it, need it, or thrive on it. That's the old me. I can't go there anymore. You are in a sea of it and I feel like the others...you have to take care of you and what you need and make yourself be the person you were meant to be, despite what your partner is doing. You do YOU. That's not ignoring the fact that she is being wrong. It's making yourself a priority in the right way. Stop chasing. Whether she comes back or not is beside the point. You are making yourself crazy here. Whether you can see what role you play in this right now or not doesn't matter. Take care of you.

Poppet35

That is what I am afraid of and also worried I'm barking up the wrong tree

KeyofC

Here's a thought: If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. BUT "do" take care of you.

KeyofC

Here's another thought...I can't get over the fact that the ex thing is going on. Who would ever think it's okay for your mate, partner, spouse, to go out with their ex for drinks, dinner, or a movie and think that is Okay??? Whether you're comfortable and confident...whether you're secure...whether you're trusting...it wouldn't matter. It would have nothing to do with jealousy or any of those words I just used. I don't think that's ever okay and certainly would open the door for more. She needs friends? Okay, great, get friends that aren't exes..for real. That's just me though.

Poppet35

The ex is just a friend. I believe her when she says they're just friends. I don't think it matters anymore now anyway.

I feel so much overwhelming sadness and loss. She says she doesn't want to leave but she's so unhappy and can see no other way. I'm unhappy. We make each other unhappy. She's been trying to leave for months and I've been stopping her and then failing to do "the big push" she talks about to fix us. I never totally understood what that meant but I tried to mend stuff.

Her issues with me go back years and because I was struggling back then I have big blanks in my memory. Not helpful. We've been doing the same dance for 5 years now.

I wish I could fix the gaping hole between us, I wish I could right all the wrong things I did, that I've said. She remembers them all and no amount of heartfelt apology changes things.

So today is another day, I'm very sleepy and very unsure of what the day will bring. I shall do what I need to do to stay well but I'm going to just have to go through this sadness aren't I. She does the sweetest things at times.

Ariesagain

What about a trial separation? You might both gain some clarity.

Poppet35

I wondered about that Ariesagain. She's so exhausted from this, from drinking, from smoking. She needs to sleep.
My kids are with their Dad for 2 weeks from Friday - I'm hoping we can do some proper quiet talking and come to a conclusion.
I mentioned did she need to go away and just sleep, and I said whilst boys were away she could sleep (she gets disturbed by the 3 of us moving around in the morning)
Trial separation - perhaps that is the key. Perhaps I should talk to her about that.
Thank you. When you're so enmeshed it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

CentralOhioDad

and I said whilst boys were away she could sleep (she gets disturbed by the 3 of us moving around in the morning)

It sounds like she is disturbed by everyone and everything, and even the children are drawn into this drama and chaos of tiptoeing around the queen B's moods. She is not the be all and end all in the universe - yet she has taken on that role, and it's being enabled.

Poppet35

Is that what I've been doing all these years? I always thought it fair enough not to disturb when she's worked late (she works in theatre) but tbh I always get a bit annoyed when I'm creeping around because she's sleeping booze off. I should be getting annoyed at myself tho for creeping around when it isn't necessary shouldn't I.

I keep reading that if I want to prevent the relationship ending I need to look at myself and change. I don't know where to start. Do I sit down and write down all my faults (as I see them) and all the times I've said and done things that have upset her? Is that how it works?

Her main complaint she says is that I don't love her or rather she doesn't feel love from me.

She's so tired all the time but I personally think that it is more than just tiredness, it's connected to drinking and smoking and not eating when she's down. Like today.

SparkleKitty

Poppet where are you reading that if you want to prevent the relationship ending that you need to change?

I hope that is not the message you are taking from the posts on this thread.

LexieCat

No, you do not START by looking at your faults. That is a Step 4, and you do it with a sponsor, who will guide you. It's not everything you've ever done that have upset her (EVERYTHING "upsets" her), it's actual things you have done that are, objectively speaking, wrong. It might include neglecting other people in your life due to your obsession with making her happy. But that's Step 4, and there are three previous Steps, and you would be well-advised not to try to do them on your own.

Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting and find a sponsor?

hopeful4

Oh Poppet, I wish you could understand. It's not you that needs fixing. You need love and caring, but not to focus on all of your faults to fix a relationship. You are who you are (a lovely, caring person), she is who she is. There is really no changing that.

She will likely never be happy until she takes a good long look at her own life. She is mean to you at times, and very manipulative. A deep down good person does not act that way.

Hugs friend. I will say it again, you deserve more.

LexieCat

Oh, and I missed that part. That you were trying to "prevent the relationship from ending"--I thought you were asking about how to HEAL yourself. And that might involve NOT preventing the relationship from ending.

Wouldn't you rather learn to be happy without her than learn to be miserable with her for the rest of your life?

Poppet35

Not getting it from this site, finding sites saying I need to look at my contribution to the breakdown of the relationship and make changes. Although the more I read the more confused I get. This is what one site says "Remember, your spouse is done talking. You have to start changing you. It’s time to take a personal inventory of your flaws."
And they say not to beg or chase but to be myself and get some respect - that makes sense, the more I seek to appease and pander and care the worse things seem to get.
I feel she's made her mind up but not all at the same time. She wants to re-hash everything.

SparkleKitty

Poppet are those sites geared toward relationships where addiction is involved? If not, please stop visiting them. They are only driving you further into shame and self-flagellation.

You cannot apply normal guidelines to relationships that are not normal.

LexieCat

A lot of those sites you are looking at do not involve people with alcoholic/addict partners. I'm not sure that's great advice even when you're NOT in that kind of relationship (changing to please someone else is not a good strategy unless the change is one that you want for yourself), but it's completely off-base when the other person isn't in his/her right mind.